Understandable but unreasonable

[picklesdragonisawelshdragon]

I'm really struggling.

DM has always been difficult, but DF reigned her in a bit till he died three years ago.

If I explained, I'd be here for four pages and you'd end up as stressed as me, just reading it!

Basically, this week she's being particularly hard work. It's the anniversary of DF's funeral, and she's having a cataract op. So I understand she's very stressed. But she's also completely unreasonable!

I said I'd go down to see her this weekend- it's a 3 hour drive. I planned to go down Friday morning. She's assumed I'll drive down Thursday daytime. I agreed to go down Thursday, leaving after traffic so arriving 8.30pm. She says that's too late she'll be in bed.

In trying to untangle all this, she's accused me of gaslighting her. I get the guilt trip -'no one loves me, I've lost the only person who ever put me first'.

She guilt tripped me into going on holiday with her, which she is paying for, and now says she's thinking of changing her mind. Well fine, but I've spent £500 on the deposit, insurance, travel to the airport etc.

We invite her to come on holiday with us, but she never wants to do what we do.

She's driving me potty!

So understandable - vulnerable, elderly, widowed etc
But unreasonable.

How do I handle it? Any ideas?

Is she worried about the cataract op? My dad was absolutely terrified - he was then amazed at how smooth and easy it actually was, but it was good that someone was with him to help administer eye drops etc, and he had a patch over one eye so needed watching while he adjusted to only seeing through one eye.

So I would have gone Thursday rather than Friday on this occasion, but obviously there's a lot of unreasonable stuff going on, as everyone has said, which is your real problem. And I do realise the trap of saying 'oh well this is a special occasion, I really need to do what she asks this time', because that then becomes the norm and it's easy to lose sight of what is and isn't reasonable.

Does she have any support locally? sorry if I missed that.

As Thursday is the actual day of the oersted n, I think that wanting someone there when you come home (and perhapd to bring you home after the procedure) is reasonable.

The snag for you is that it has come on the back of a whole history of things that are unreasonable.

I would be looking at other issues to start putting in place new boundaries.

Does she email? Because setting things out on paper can help - it gives clarity about what you both understand from a conversation (and proof, if needed, about what was agreed). This should certainly happen before you spend money based in what you think are her wishes.

One other angle you need to be sure of - is her hearing OK? If there is hearing loss, especially early on when people might not quite realise/admit what's up, then misunderstandings and hurt feelings abound, even between normally kind people

My sister is taking her to and from the operation, and possible for a little outing depending on the timing and how she responds to the anaesthetic etc. I'll get there about 8.30pm, traffic permitting.

She's arranged for me to take her car in for an mot on Friday. She tends to assume that things are only inconvenient or expensive when she has to do them. So she'll get my sister leave work and collect her from the station, rather than taking a taxi, to save £15. She has a lot of money.

Anyway. I feel much better today, I haven't sent an email, I'll just rock up at 8.30pm. If I can't get in I'll go to my sister or aunt!

OP, your first email shows that, unpleasant as her behaviour to you is, you have compassion for her. Glad you didn't sent the email! Best not to apologise for things that aren't your fault, even to keep the peace - OK if they're tiny things (sorry I nearly bumped into you) not big things. You didn't upset her, she chose to react that way.

Long experience with elders and DC has taught me it's much easier to say "No" if I don't give a specific reason. People greet reasons as problems to be solved "You're washing your hair? Couldn't you do that the night before? Well, couldn't you wash it at my house?" "I'm sorry I have a commitment that I can't get out of" works well for almost anything including "I promised myself I would relax in front of the fire with a bottle of wine and a good book".

Also remember "I'm sorry, I've been drinking - you'll need to get a taxi". DC probably think I was near alcoholic

I recently took a friend for a cataract removal, there’s no anaesthetic, it’s an awake procedure, in/out in an hour and a shield over the eye, can’t drive but other than that very very minor procedure.

I think you need to be far more "take it or leave it" with her.

"I can come Thursday arriving 8.30pm onwards or not at all, which would you prefer"

Always give her options that you are happy with either outcome - just like a toddler...

She rang last night to say she'd got a neighbour to take her car in for the mot so I should come Friday, and not to come at all if I don't want to.

I don't feel any relief- in fact I feel quite sick.
She's tied herself up in knots about moving, got auctioneers and valuers in, but nothing she has is of value.

On the phone she complains that no one will help her move (though we've all tried). I go down to help and she won't let me. Argh!

Take a breath and see this is a positive; she’s more than able of managing herself, don’t fall for the guilt tripping.

Seriously, take her at her word and don't go!

She will bad mouth and complain no matter what 🤷🏽‍♀️

Well here I am. It's not been too bad, apart from how everyone she knows, 'literally every single one' goes on holiday with family several times a year.
I've managed to get fed this time (it's been a problem in the past).

"That's nice for them, not my cup of tea"

She sounds so like my mum. She and dad live just round the corner but dad's quite incapacitated after a bad fall last year and she is such hard work.

I also get all the emotional blackmail and have no siblings to take the pressure off. It sucks.

Hope you're back home now and enjoying a chill out and a or whatever's your preference.

Hang on pickles, she doesn't feed you?

She's funny about food. I always pack nuts etc to tide me over just in case. Sometimes she's particularly bad and actively disapproves of me eating (do you want to be fat?). Other times she just secret eats herself and so fails to realise anyone else needs to be fed. It will be approaching lunch time and she'll have 'only just had a big bowl of porridge'. She has very unreliable cupboards.

Actually it's in lots of areas, she's a bit of a hoarder, but it's as though everything is rationed and too precious to share. She offered my kids a briefcase/laptop bag from her collection, but as they picked she said 'oh no, not that one' removed the decent ones from the pile, and left the ones with broken straps/zips etc.

You have to accept and be grateful for everything she offers, otherwise you 'clearly aren't hard up'. She wanted me to ask if anyone wanted a ring binder. I said they wouldn't want it, as it was probably 40 years old, and they are about £1 in shops. She used that as an excuse not to offer anything else as they 'clearly aren't hard up'.

She's very well off.