Understandable but unreasonable

[picklesdragonisawelshdragon]

I'm really struggling.

DM has always been difficult, but DF reigned her in a bit till he died three years ago.

If I explained, I'd be here for four pages and you'd end up as stressed as me, just reading it!

Basically, this week she's being particularly hard work. It's the anniversary of DF's funeral, and she's having a cataract op. So I understand she's very stressed. But she's also completely unreasonable!

I said I'd go down to see her this weekend- it's a 3 hour drive. I planned to go down Friday morning. She's assumed I'll drive down Thursday daytime. I agreed to go down Thursday, leaving after traffic so arriving 8.30pm. She says that's too late she'll be in bed.

In trying to untangle all this, she's accused me of gaslighting her. I get the guilt trip -'no one loves me, I've lost the only person who ever put me first'.

She guilt tripped me into going on holiday with her, which she is paying for, and now says she's thinking of changing her mind. Well fine, but I've spent £500 on the deposit, insurance, travel to the airport etc.

We invite her to come on holiday with us, but she never wants to do what we do.

She's driving me potty!

So understandable - vulnerable, elderly, widowed etc
But unreasonable.

How do I handle it? Any ideas?

Aside from everything else, why on earth does she go to bed at 8.30pm?

Do you have siblings, or is it just you shouldering the burden?

Sorry, but it's not understandable unless you factor in that your DM is manipulative and actually quite nasty.

Aside from everything else, why on earth does she go to bed at 8.30pm?

My granddad is always in bed by 9pm latest and he's only 67. Retired. But he gets up very early.

How have you spent money on a holiday deposit when you say she's paying for it? If she was to pay it then tell her she still owes you that money. Why on earth would you want to go on holiday with her in the first place? You need to stand up for yourself a bit more. You tell her you are travelling on Friday - why then do you even engage in conversation about Thursday. Simply say no, I'm coming on Friday, no negotiation. If she kicks off then tell her you are not allowing her to manipulate you and you are no longer coming. Don't be a soft touch. You need to take over the reigns and do as your father did - reign her in.

Oh gosh! I'm taken aback.

Well, she says that because it's her cataract op day, so she might be tired, so 8.30. She doesn't sleep well, so is usually up quite late.

I've written an email (not sent yet) but I have a feeling you'll tell me I'm being a doormat!

Dad didn't rein her in so much as spoil her rotten so she had fewer opportunities to complain!

The problem is she's extremely difficult and unreasonable but she doesn't know that. She can't understand why people find her difficult and I've never managed to explain it. She's basically a bit of a narc, she genuinely can't understand other people's priorities matter.

I can only do a short reply at the moment but there’s nothing understandable about this.

Just wanted to ask, was she like this before he died? That would give a different slant to it.

Yes Autumn. Always.

I'd love to hear what you think when you have more time.

If you have a key surely you can let yourself in? If not tell her you’ll see her Friday.
A cataract is a very minor op, she’ll be ok until the next day.
She sounds incredibly self centred, either stand up to her or step back, she will drain the life from you.
What age is she?

Show us your email 😁 if you give her an inch she takes a mile doesn’t she? How old is she? Any dementia?

What on earth is understandable about her behaviour? She's running rings round you and probably did with your DF who did her bidding all their married life for the sake of some peace by the sound of it.

I agree with Drum that you need to stand up for yourself. If driving on the Thursday doesn't suit you, then TELL her when you will be coming and stick to your plans.

If you don't want to go on holiday with her, then don't. She will never "understand" that other people see her as difficult because such people never do.

Best to decide how much you want to engage with her behaviour, and refuse to overstep the boundaries. If she tries the guilt tripping, then just don't respond. Find some favourite MN phrases and keep repeating them. "That doesn't work for me/us". "I'm sorry you feel that way". etc.

She will only drive you potty if you let her. Being an elderly widow isn't a free pass to make your life a misery.

You are going to think I'm so wet.... she's 84. She's been 'highly strung' her whole life. I've 'managed' her for years, more so since dad's illness and death. I've been able to be kind and avoid major rows, while maintaining boundaries.
She can not regulate her emotions.

"Hi,
I thought I’d email- I know when you are angry and upset I never manage to explain myself very well. I’m sorry I’ve made you upset- this was always going to be a difficult week, and I’ve made it worse.

I intended to come on Friday so that I had time to do all the usual things- washing, packing, sorting the fridge- without getting stressed and rushed. This week I need to go to the pool, and had intended to go to a support group. I’ve cancelled the group which buys me a bit of time so I’ll be able to come down Thursday eveningg_ and do the car mot in the morning. I’ll watch the traffic patterns today and tomorrow to see how early I can head off. Hopefully you’ll be up, if not perhaps I can let myself in.

I’d never want you to be upset- apart from anything else, I get stressed and anxious too which doesn’t help either of us!"

See you soon!

Email is too nice, you’re all apologetic and accommodating, firmness is needed.

Take off the first couple of lines? Start with 'I intended...'?

What would happen if you just said: I've got commitments here. I can come Thursday evening or Friday morning, which suits you better?

Unfortunately it never starts from that point, partly because she talks relentlessly and you can't get a word in and make proper plans.

Over the years I've hypothesised attachment disorder (I'm a foster carer), ASD (I was a SENCO, and DH's family has a lot of suspected ASD), bipolar (she's like a cat on hot tiles until she collapses with exhaustion).

I've come to the conclusion it's probably a narcissistic personality disorder.

Of course, it's not her that's the problem, it's everyone else!

Whatever it is, she's 84 and not going to change. It's just about peaceably co existing without drama!

I think your email is far too apologetic. I would stick to facts.
e.g. I am sorry you are feeling stressed because of the operation ..
I would like to help as much as I can.
I am able to rearrange to come down on Thursday evening but it will be after 8pm or if you prefer I will come down on Friday morning.

I’d be short n sweet,
I’ll be at yours Thursday evening, I’ll let myself in.
😉

Hi mum
I know this week isnt easy for you or for any of us. I miss Dad. I know how much you do too. I'll be coming down on Friday morning, there's a lot going on at my end so I can't make Thursday evening. You get yourself into bed early and I'll let myself in. Shall I bring something nice to eat for post surgery? Love from daughter.....
Hugs OP

Is this how sensible people talk to each other? I've grown up in FOG.

I suppose I'm in the habit of trying to soften her up a bit.

Oh pickles. I'm sorry, try sending it and see. In fact, try just sending it and then ignore any protestations. Your mum is fine my lovely. Go down on Friday regardless...

Thank you all so much. I've realised that my attempts to soothe her and make her manageable are basically narcissistic supply. I'll have a rethink.

I may still choose to feed the beast on occasion, but only as a behavioural strategy to manage a situation. Like giving your child an iPad to play on when you're waiting at the doctors!

I’d reply and say you can either arrive after she is in bed on Thursday and spend all of Friday together, otherwise you will travel down on Friday as planned.

Victims aren't always nice people.

Just cos a human's old and wobbly doesn't mean they're not horrible.

Treat them as you would anyone else impossible and unpleasant, or try to, because we all know that's impossible. But perservere. She'll smarten up in no time.

OP

I thought you might say it was just after your dad died but it sounds like she’s a narcissist generally. I’m on the position that dad did everything for mum and she’s got a learn now he’s gone, but I’m afraid I can’t help because your situation sounds different.

You are being far too nice to her though. Why all the explanations in the email? You dont have to apologise for having a life.