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Elderly parents
Original poster

I feel really guilty

27 replies

FeelingSickk · 13/02/2020 22:08

DM has been very ill with heart and lungs problems for the last 3 years. She's had several operations and each time we thought she was getting better she deteriorated. It's been exhausting.

She was very ill recently and we thought we'd lose her. We said all our good byes and I started mentally preparing myself for the loss. I was really sad, but started to see some upsides - she'll finally be in peace, no more pain, she'll not have to go through anymore etc... And I selfishly also started to think 'ill get my life back', 'no more worrying', 'no more caring', 'no more emotional abuse' (when not v ill she has been v abusive throughout my life).

Miraculously she pulled through what we thought was the end and is now making good progress and possibly likely to live even another 20 years.

I saw her in hospital today and was feeding her soup when I started to feel sick. I just wanted to get the hell out. I started to have thoughts like 'why couldn't you just have died' and 'i wish you were dead'. It scared me and I can't believe I felt like that. She is so frail and vulnerable and I was so nasty to have those thoughts. I should be happy she's making remarkable progress, and I am. But in the hospital I just felt angry and actually sad she was alive :(

Please tell me this has happened to you(?)

I hate myself.

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 13/02/2020 22:16

Not exactly the same but I understand the conflicted feelings you are experiencing.

Whatever her faults my mum has always been very loving and I am glad I still have her but there are days when I struggle so much with the role of carer. Then I try to remember how I felt sitting in the relatives room expecting them to come and tell me she had died.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/02/2020 09:55

I posted a response to this, but it's vanished! So here goes again:

My Dad is lovely, and tries so hard to be a nuisance. But part of me was hoping it'd soon be over - it's the relentlessness of it, not even being able to relax in front of the TV because you're always listening for the phone call.

Now it's easier as he's in a home, but there's still so much to do, and I find myself almost wishing that his mental state would decline so that we no longer have to involve him in decisions.

So no, you are not alone, and you have nothing to feel guitly about.

And I wonder whether the intensity of your feelings is partly the result of being on the end of the abuse?

Original poster
FeelingSickk · 14/02/2020 14:42

Thank you meredintof...

OP posts:
nearlynermal · 14/02/2020 15:01

I totally get this, OP. Don't feel guilty. I've devoutly wished a quick and peaceful end for both my parents, for different reasons. Mum was scared and in pain, and Dad potentially faces many years of mental decline, with very poor quality of life. There are lots of reasons to feel that way, and it's not that you don't love them.

AutumnRose1 · 14/02/2020 15:09

Oh you poor soul, I really feel for you

It is relentlessness and tbh I felt it when my dad had what was considered a short period of severe problems with cancer (he died about 3 weeks after I stopped being able to cope, my normally low blood pressure was through the roof).

It’s partly that it’s genuinely not right for someone to live suffering that way as well.

I have been hating myself recently too. My parents had so many health problems from when I was a teen, I thought they’d both be gone by the time I was 40. So it’s partly that I just never expected to deal with this.

What is the plan going forward and what kind of care does your mum have? Can things be sorted for you to do a minimum?

You do find a lot of people express relief when a parent is gone. In my 20s I found those chats shocking but not now!

pollyhemlock · 14/02/2020 18:55

My situation is not quite the same butI know where you’re coming from OP. DM, 96, has lived with us for 17 mostly very happy years. Last two years she has started to decline and this has accelerated last two months. She is very frail physically, increasingly confused, doubly incontinent, and for last week couldn’t get out of bed and I was struggling to keep her clean. On Wednesday we moved her to a lovely care home, probably permanently. Visited today- floods of tears, says she no longer belongs anywhere etc. But we can’t cope any more with her at home. Am I ever going to stop feeling guilty?

UYScuti · 16/02/2020 12:04

Anyone would feel the same in your shoes OP

Orangeblossom78 · 29/02/2020 21:21

there is a good site online you would find helpful Out of the FOG. Kind thoughts Flowers

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/03/2020 11:52

polly You've done more than most people. Keep reminding yourself (and her, in due course) that the home are keeping her well and making her comfortable where you couldn't. Frailty and double incontinence needs two people to deal with and 24 hour care (since leaving her a whole night without a change of pads is not an option) - no daughter, however dedicated, can manage that. And frailty means that she'll be less able to move herself, move around during the day, turn over in bed at night, which in turn can lead to skin breakdown and pressure sores, something else which is very hard to manage at home. So no need to feel guilty at finding her the care she needs. Whereas keeping her at home with overwhelming needs which couldn't be managed by one person would have been to fail to safeguard her.

Hopefully, she'll settle. She'll probably always grumble about the home, but you'll be able to see that she's clean, she's eating, and she's got a good relationship with the staff, and you'll be able to shed the unjustified guilt.

FleeFleeMyPretties · 01/03/2020 12:35

If it make you feel better I certainly have "complex" feelings about the fact my Dad, who I don't have a close relationship with, is still going, and my Mum, who I did, died last year.
As long as overall our behaviour is OK - I mean not even perfect or great but just reasonably ok overall - I really wouldn't worry about it.

Parsley65 · 01/03/2020 13:29

I'll join.
My Df is 92 and frail.
He has changed from being a lovely, kind Dad to a person I barely recognise and it's exhausting.
I have begun to dread visiting him because it's all about him, how he feels, how bored he is, how ill he is, complaining and moaning.
It's enough to try the patience of a saint - and I am certainly not one of those!
So sending strength and empathy to all who have black thoughts and dark clouds hanging over them Thanks

flamingnoravera · 03/03/2020 20:17

I totally get how you are feeling. And it's ok to have those thoughts. I've had similar and i have long since feeling guilty about them,

MintyCedric · 04/04/2020 10:56

I've certainly experienced the same and feel horrible about it but...

You know how people say that teenagers are bloody hard work so that when they leave home it makes it slightly easier?

I wonder if it's the same with elderly parents?

People live until such advanced ages now that I'm not sure anyone can prepare for what comes with that...illness, frailty, mental decline, loss of quality of life.

We wouldn't be hjmannif we didn't struggle with all that and trying to support someone who is going through it.

NeedToKnow101 · 04/04/2020 11:19

Yes I felt similar when my mum was old and frail last year. When she died I felt relief, both for myself and for her.
I am so glad she didn't live until Coronavirus, as it would have been so confusing.
My melodramatic sibling tried to make me feel guilty because i didn't have the 'left at any cost' attitude that he had, but my close friends understand and have had the same feelings themselves.
Oh and the whole experience spurred me on to complete an Advanced Directive declining treatment to myself in similar circumstances.

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/04/2020 08:58

it's all about him, how he feels, how bored he is, how ill he is, complaining and moaning. People change when they have too much time to think about themselves. I'm currently obsessing about a black eye I woke up with on Friday, with no hint of an injury to cause it, ... and my right foot swelling up ... come on over, and I could tell you all about it Grin

I used to get frustrated with my Dad because he would say "how's the family" but not stop talking enough to listen to the answers ... as if asking questions was simply a way to keep me there longer. I realised he was doing plenty of listening - the radio was on all day - but had no chance to talk. So I started sending him long emails with all the family news, and although he still wouldn't listen, he started talking more about the family and less about himself.

Just found out that our local Council has stopped all funerals, no-one allowed at all to cremations. So not only do I face not seeing my father at all before he dies, I won't be able to carry out his funeral wishes, and I don't even know if I'll be able to get his ashes and carry out his wishes to have them put with his wife.

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/04/2020 09:00

Sorry, that was a bit of a me-me-me contribution.

AutumnRose1 · 05/04/2020 19:52

Mere sorry about your injury

Re cremations, they have to do them? It’s the service they can’t do.

The crem stored dad’s ashes for up to 6 months, I think some places do it for up to a year.

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/04/2020 10:08

Re cremations, they have to do them? It’s the service they can’t do. Yeah, that's right. And I suppose we could have a memorial service in a year's time and carry out his funeral wishes then. It just seems all rubbish. And I'm worried that since we're not in normal times, they'll decide they can no longer let relatives have ashes.

sorry about your injury Thanks. But it wasn't an injury! Just a spontaneous black eye, with no sign of injury. I wouldn't be worrying if I had an injury to explain it.

AutumnRose1 · 06/04/2020 11:21

Mere, if anything, I’d have thought you would be more likely to be asked to take ashes early.

Re your injury

You could have been sleepwalking? Especially with all the strain at the mo.

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/04/2020 09:19

autumn If I'd had an injury, it would have hurt! This is a completely pain-free black eye.

Agreed they won't want to hold on to ashes, I was more worried that they'd simply dispose of them.

AutumnRose1 · 07/04/2020 12:15

Mere, I realise you might not want to go to a doc at the moment, but I think it’s probably a good idea, even if just a video call.

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/04/2020 09:48

Autumn I was going to see if it cleared up, and then go if it recurred. Or next week if it wasn't showing any signs of recurring.

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/04/2020 09:49

Thanks for caring

AutumnRose1 · 08/04/2020 11:24

Mere Flowers

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/04/2020 08:58

Autumn It's cleared up! It's not there this morning Smile

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