DM has been very ill with heart and lungs problems for the last 3 years. She's had several operations and each time we thought she was getting better she deteriorated. It's been exhausting.
She was very ill recently and we thought we'd lose her. We said all our good byes and I started mentally preparing myself for the loss. I was really sad, but started to see some upsides - she'll finally be in peace, no more pain, she'll not have to go through anymore etc... And I selfishly also started to think 'ill get my life back', 'no more worrying', 'no more caring', 'no more emotional abuse' (when not v ill she has been v abusive throughout my life).
Miraculously she pulled through what we thought was the end and is now making good progress and possibly likely to live even another 20 years.
I saw her in hospital today and was feeding her soup when I started to feel sick. I just wanted to get the hell out. I started to have thoughts like 'why couldn't you just have died' and 'i wish you were dead'. It scared me and I can't believe I felt like that. She is so frail and vulnerable and I was so nasty to have those thoughts. I should be happy she's making remarkable progress, and I am. But in the hospital I just felt angry and actually sad she was alive :(
Please tell me this has happened to you(?)
I hate myself.