Heartbroken

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hi. I'm posting as I am struggling to cope. My poor DD died nearly 5 yrs ago due to dementia and 1 yr after that DM had to start dialysis for kidney failure and now is in hospital due to confusion. Her moods and behaviour has changed. There is talk of dementia. I am moving in with her now but I have a DH and DD. DH is understanding and DD happy to come and go. But I worry if I can cope with caring for Mum. I still have to work too. There will be carers twice a day. Mum is a hoarder, so have been tidying and cleaning. She was losing important stuff but she'll kill me.

We have explained the situation to her and that she must tell us if it's all too much. Is that for your daughter or DM? If it is your DD what would be your plan if she does say it's all too much and she wants to be back at home?

I think you are putting an unrealistic amount of stress on yourself and your family. I’m sorry you har had such bad experiences with your Dad, it must have been terrible, but that doesn’t represent every care home. As the dementia develops you will start having to deal with double incontinents, lifting your Mum physically. Sadly she may become abusive and violent, or start hallucinating. If you continue down this road you will just become a carer to her, if you pass that onto someone professional you can still be her daughter. As for your 8 year old you will miss out on her precious childhood. What would you expect your daughter to do if she was faced with the same dilemma one day with you,? I don’t mean to be harsh, but I think when people point blank refuse to consider a care home ever they put unrealistic pressure on themselves and others.

Can your DM afford a live in carer? Legally they'll be entitled to breaks etc, and there's an increased charge for 'waking' cover. You effectively become an employer with all the legalities that entails. Not as straightforward as it seems.
People choose to have DC. It doesn't mean those DC 'owe' them anything. I still can't believe she will actually let your family go through such indefinite upheaval. She's really going to let you take time off work etc. Unbelievable really.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

depends if the carer can sleep at night or if waking nights are needed as well Hasn't that changed with the recent ruling that overnight carers must be paid at least minimum wage regardless?

If you don't have an adequate home in the locality, is a home further away an option?

still can't believe she will actually let your family go through such indefinite upheaval. She's really going to let you take time off work etc. Unbelievable really. If she has dementia, you can't assume she's thinking through the implications of this. You cannot put the blame on her.

Care homes are a bit like football teams. They can be on good form and perform really well then in a matter of months go off the boil. They depend on the teamwork of the staff and good leadership. Just because one was really awful five years ago does not mean that it is still as dreadful. Having had a parent in various care homes and institutions for five years, I've seen it first hand. They can go up as well as down.
Not easy for you all but keep an open mind.

Is your mother's house close to yours? Would your DD staying there some nights and at home others not affect school/activities/friendship groups? Will she have a room and bed to call her own at your mum's? I don't want to sound negative but have you sounded out all the practicalities? If you stop work will there be enough money from your DH to run the family home and also your part of the set up at your mum's and is he happy to be a sole wage earner?

When my DF was really poorly and there were discussions whether he should go home or into a home, it was decided that a home would be better as my elderly DM would not have been able to look after him. My DM felt very guilty but I remember a nurse saying to her that if DF came home my DM would be his carer, if he went into a home he would have carers and my DM would still be his wife. Unfortunately he died before they arranged a place for him.

DH's elderly gran was also convinced that she would never go in a home, she could be looked after by carers and her children who lived reasonably nearby. MIL took the brunt of this caring. The caring was daily but not 24/7. But it got to the point when the gran was unable to look after herself in the periods on her own and ended up going to hospital numerous times after falls etc. She went into a home for respite whilst it was decided where the best place for her was. She loved the home as she had company and they had social events which she took part in. She wished she hadn't been so stubborn staying at home so long. Also gave MIL respite and she could visit her mum without having to do personal care and sorting out the house, so she could have quality time with her in her last few weeks.

I wouldn't write off homes. I am really sorry you had a horrible time with your DF but there must be some decent homes somewhere.

FIL recently went into a care home and while it is a 3 hour round journey for non driving MIL to visit him now she says she would rather he stayed there where he is well looked and happy than a nearer one which is not so good. MIL tried looking after FIL who is immobile and had continence issues and it was taking its toil on her. Now in the care home his diabetes is under control and he has regained so mobility and seems better in himself. In OP situation I would look at care homes further afield but reasonable to travel to 2-3 times a week for visits. I think taking on the care of your DM would really affect your marriage and family life

But my experiences with my Dad and care homes have meant I will never put Mum through the same. You have a lot of people answering you on this thread who've also had experience of care homes, and their experiences are very different. Remember you've been unlucky - you know three care homes and they've all been bad. But that doesn't mean to say they're all bad.