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Elderly parents
Original poster

Heartbroken

35 replies

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 21:21

Hi. I'm posting as I am struggling to cope. My poor DD died nearly 5 yrs ago due to dementia and 1 yr after that DM had to start dialysis for kidney failure and now is in hospital due to confusion. Her moods and behaviour has changed. There is talk of dementia. I am moving in with her now but I have a DH and DD. DH is understanding and DD happy to come and go. But I worry if I can cope with caring for Mum. I still have to work too. There will be carers twice a day. Mum is a hoarder, so have been tidying and cleaning. She was losing important stuff but she'll kill me.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 28/01/2020 21:22

I am so sorry.

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 21:22

I will not put her in a home. I am an only child. I hope my marriage can survive this and my DD will be ok x

OP posts:
finkploydthethird · 28/01/2020 21:23

I am so sorry. I have a mother with dementia and it's tough, as you well know. Sorry that you are going through this again.

Honeyroar · 28/01/2020 21:25

Just sending you a cyber hug. You sound like a wonderful daughter.

You know if you’re struggling to cope it’s not a bad thing to look for a care home. My MIL with dementia has absolutely thrived in hers, whereas looking after her was killing us prior to that.

SonEtLumiere · 28/01/2020 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpecLosers · 28/01/2020 21:30

Dear love, sometimes you have to be practical. Care homes are not the worst thing in the round.

But if you don't want to have her care looked after professionally, well there is really no point in asking us for help. You know what is necessary here. And Mum would probably thrive in a professionally caring environment, I know mine did!

I tried to look after Mum for four years + FT work and all the rest of it, but no one gained. It was a nightmare.

So it is your marriage and your DD. Which is more important for you?

Sorry if that sounds offensive, but it is meant well.

But only you alone can make the decision. I think, despite your cries of NEVER re the care home, it might just have to happen at some point. Or you just suffer on and be a statistic.

Knittedfairies · 28/01/2020 21:39

I agree with SpecLosers. Perhaps you could research local care homes to see if any would be a good fit for your mother; you might need some respite care at some point any way.

cptartapp · 28/01/2020 21:43

You, your DH, marriage and DD come first. Always. I hope no-ones ever suggested different.

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 22:07

The reason I say never a care home is because I have extensive knowledge of all the local ones. My DD went in 3 of them. None were good. All were negligent. One abusively man handled and force fed a patient in front of my eyes. One just sat all the patients in front of a TV and didn't engage with them. The last home he was at didn't check his swallow, which proved fatal. Funnily enough, after that, there is no way in hell my Mum is going in one. I will get her a 24hr live in carer when needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 22:10

No one has ever suggested my DD, DH and marriage don't come first. However, in addition to them, my DM also comes first. DH understands that and is very encouraging and supportive. DM also understands that and has never expected or requested that I go and live with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 22:12

Also I don't believe Mum has long left. She is increasingly frail and surviving on dialysis.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 28/01/2020 22:13

Could she live with you instead? Given it could be some time before she needs the 24 carers it could prove detrimental to your own family if you move out to live with her.

NecklessMumster · 28/01/2020 22:14

Sometimes a live in carer package isn't much more expensive than a care home, depends if the carer can sleep at night or if waking nights are needed as well

ineedaholidaynow · 28/01/2020 22:18

If you are working will your DM be ok on her own when you are at work?

How old is your daughter?

If you end up totally worn out you are not going to be any use to anyone. Look after yourself OP. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Louise91417 · 28/01/2020 22:25

If your dh and dd are supportive you do whatever is in your heart..if you feel this is what you have to do then go for it. It is at times like this when families pull together and yours have shown their support which must be some comfort to you. At this time you mum comes first.. but please be sure and look after yourself and if you need to reconsider the arrangement do so...bless you..you obviously love you dm very much..i very much believe that when we are lucky enough to have good parents who cared for us for most of our lives it isnt much to give a little back to them..Flowers

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 28/01/2020 22:25

I don't know if DM will be ok when I'm at work. I am contemplating taking leave. Unfortunately my home isn't suitable for us all to stay in, due to there being stairs etc. My DD is 8.

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Pinkarsedfly · 28/01/2020 22:28

Please don’t leave your 8 year old daughter.

Aurorie11 · 28/01/2020 22:31

I’m going to sound harsh, and for context I have a DM with dementia, and kids of 11 and 9, my DM is in a home as our primary responsibility is to our children and not to mess up their wellbeing; with the best will in the world you can’t look after your Mum and your daughter, but IMO your daughter comes first

PermanentTemporary · 28/01/2020 22:34

Oh goodness. What a huge amount to take on - the care of your mother which sounds like an unknown quantity, sorting out the house so that she can actually get home, being apart from your dh and dd.

Agreed if you feel you must do this, I've no doubt it's the best possible thing for your mum. But please don't rule anything out yet.

Will she get transport to dialysis? How often - 3 x a week? That's quite a big chunk of the week if so.

Agree that you need to think about respite - you are going to get exhausted. Is there money for periods of live in care while you have a break in your own home?

Have you applied for benefits? I'd talk to the local carers group about benefits advisors.

I hope things work out as well as they can.

cptartapp · 29/01/2020 06:57

Can you afford a 24 hour live in carer. Have you considered all the legal hoops to jump through. If it were that simple, care homes wouldn't be as full as they are. I say this kindly as a nurse of thirty years, I think your somewhat naive about the practicalities of your plan.
I would never let my adult DC with families of their own do this. Is she happy for you to leave your DH and DD? I find that mystifying.

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 29/01/2020 07:25

My DH and DC are going to move in too. However, first I need to see how Mum is at home and there are some issues I need to sort at her house. I would never just leave my daughter, until she can move in she will stay with me some nights and with her Dad the others. We have explained the situation to her and that she must tell us if it's all too much. For those of you suggesting I should just put Mum in one of the awful care homes in my locality (which I have observed first hand are abusive and negligent) I say this....my Mum gave me my life, I owe to her to be there for her as much as possible. When the time comes that she needs 24hr care, I will organise that for her by way of a live in carer. I know it will be difficult etc etc, but I am not going to just leave my Mum as she goes through the most terrifying stage of her life.

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Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 29/01/2020 07:30

Also thank you PermanentTemporary, I will contact the local carers group today. Mum gets transport to and from dialysis, which gives me a bit of a break during the week.

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Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 29/01/2020 07:32

I know no one takes the decision to put their parent in a care home lightly. I know that sometimes it is the only option. But my experiences with my Dad and care homes have meant I will never put Mum through the same.

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BonnesVacances · 29/01/2020 07:56

My DGM went into a home after struggling for years with dementia. It took years off her and having proper round the clock care really improved her condition.

Have a look at homes further afield if the local ones aren't any good. It's better for your DM long term that she gets settled and feels comfortable in a home, before her dementia gets too bad and you have to move her anyway. If you leave it too long, the home will be unfamiliar to her every day.

If you live in Dorset, I can recommend a fantastic one. My DGM thought she was on a cruise when she moved there! Grin

BonnesVacances · 29/01/2020 08:00

Seeing how happy my DGM is in her care home, chatting to the other residents her age and eating in the dining room together, it makes me think it must be quite lonely for old people who stay at home with a live-in carer. Horses for courses, I suppose.