Separate elderly parents.

[Orangeblossom78]

I have elderly parents who are divorced and live apart, one in the middle of no-where. Neither keen to engage with any support. Both late 70s and with health problems. Anyone else in this position? It is tricky as it would be easier f they would support each other a little - they are still in touch and amicable, friends even. They have little other contact with others apart from each other and neither have moved on from years ago. Sometimes, still expect us to all meet up together. It's a difficult situation all round.

The only real positive is they like in Scotland and the social care is free.

When you say "health problems", are they experiencing problems with coping with everyday life, or have they merely acquired the cocktail of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, underactive thyroid, arthritis, osteoporosis, developing cataracts etc that means a high proportion of 70+s are taking about 6 different medications each day?

As someone rapidly approaching 70 with friends from 60 to 90, I can understand the unwillingness to engage with support - it curtails your autonomy, and seems like an admission your life is over: from now on you will be waiting for the end.

But I think most of us on this board have also struggled with the frustration of a loved (or unloved) elder increasingly unable to cope but refusing to accept outside help. There isn't a lot you can do except protect your own life (don't be forced into become the carer) and wait for them to decide that accepting outside help is an improvement on their current state.

Thanks, yes I try and do that. And on your question, both really. Mum's main one is osteoarthritis. and dad atrial fibrillation. However dad used to run marathons and GP thinks the AF stems from that. So it is not always due to lazing around etc.

Neither keen to engage with any support.

They'll come to a stage when they will probably have to engage with support. They cannot expect you to care for them, even if they were still together. All you can do is encourage them to visit gp to keep on top of medical issues, find out what services they'd be entitled to relating to their medical issues. You can find out what social activities are in their area - be it bingo, card games, active retired groups etc and pass on the information. It's up to them to choose whether to push themselves a bit in order to get out and about with other people. If they choose not to then don't feel guilty about it. You need to live your own life and that doesn't necessarily include being there to physically look after them as their health declines.

What sort of support do you think they need and are you sure they need it? I ask because I was initially convinced that my 81 year old mum couldn’t cope with daily tasks after dad died. But she can.

Some of it is partly my shock at her appearance- I don’t mean that in nasty way - and my perception of what’s acceptable. To her, it’s normal, desirable even, to go up and down stairs sideways with a laundry basket.

Oh yes, and my mother did very small batches of washing every day ... turned out she couldn't manage to unload a full lid so it it daily instead.

Have you had a look at the elderly parents thread. Very lovey supportive and knowledgable people over there.

What i am struggling with really is my brother and SIL. Brother had been taking time off work to take dad to appointments etc, tidy up his flat (however I called dad last week and he was well aware he had his volunteering at a certain time so needed to go...

Anyway they are making me feel guilty that I am standing back and seem to be making a big fuss of them.

I find it difficult as they parentified me as the oldest daughter growing up, asking me to make decisions for them etc, so I have stood well back (going NC with mum after years of difficulties)

Now I'm getting all these stories about how sad it is, they are alone (they divorced acrimoniously due to a silly fling and involved me then)

Anyway, it is hard but I feel they are actually enabling them to stay as they are and not accept other support. I guess I maybe just need to continue with my approach and not get drawn into it.

I got told off anyway at dad went into hospital and they sent him home. That seems to be my fault now and they are rushing around. Not easy.

"I guess I maybe just need to continue with my approach and not get drawn into it."

this is a tough one. On the one hand, I completely see why you are pissed off and why you don't want to get involved.

on the other hand, your siblings might not realise it and just want more help.

I agree that they are probably enabling your parents more, and they will get fussier about accepting outside help.

so I guess there's 2 options - one is carry on as you are, the other is have a very frank conversation with your siblings.

Maybe even show them this board. There's plenty of evidence of parents wanting to use their DC to do things that they could get carers in to do.

Involving them in their divorce is horrendous; they are lucky you didn't go NC for that.

I did end up going NC with my mother actually but that is another story (but does involve the way she slagged dad off all the time as well)

Anyway, now i am struggling as I wanted to help by getting them Attendance allowance (they both have health stuff) but my brother is saying, once they had a tax credits overpayment (not the parents) and he doesn't wan them to have to ay it back and stuff. But it isn't like that.

But instead he is going up there to tidy up and stuff...it feels like banging my head off a wall. i have tried to explain they won;t have to pay it back, they just may not get it but it is worth trying to make sure they have everything they are eligible for.

And of course due to needing stuff like printouts from the docs etc, dads bank details, NI number etc brother is in a better place to access that stuff, unless I try and ask dad over the phone but his hearing is going so that won't work. So frustrating. Age UK said the DWP can get people to go out and do the assessment for them if they are housebound but they need to ask themselves and be housebound.

parents wanting to use their DC to do things that they could get carers in to do

Yes I mean my dad did turn away carers in the past...but in my case it also seems my brother is taking over and doing stuff too, without being asked? But that's his choice I suppose. he's taking tine off work to go with him to the doctors this week, but he was going to an appt last week himself and told me he needed to go to be there by ten, so I don't see the need for that? (but I don;t want to say that of course). I wonder if brother maybe has some issues from the way we were treated as children (parentified basically) as he seems to be overly responsible for it all.

this is pretty much why you need a meeting with your siblings

if one of them wants to be in charge, or if they don't want your opinion, they should tell you.

I rarely mention it here but I do have a sibling. If they tried to interfere with any arrangements for my mother - and father as was - I'd be furious. But they are low contact for various reasons and while I respect their reasons, they also respect that I am in charge.

so if that's what your siblings want to you do, then I'd go for that.

also re Attendance Allowance, I'd be wary in case your brother knows of other reasons why your parents might not want the DWP looking at them, so to speak.

there are no other reasons parents would be hiding from DWP. they are divorced live separately one in sheltered and one in small rented house, both on state pension / pension credit. Have no assets / savings..

but even so AA is not means tested anyway is it? I think they are just a bit wary / hesitant. I know he said they got legal aid to cover the costs of setting up P oA, and the actual P oA was free as well due to their reduced circumstances.

And they definitely have the health problems, I sent with dad when he had a cardioversion for example (where they stop and start the heart). which is for his heart condition. Also it is not a condition where they can e.g. do an op to help it. I guess I will just use a 'wait and see' approach.

the warden at dads accommodation said she could help with forms also and theres a drop in CAB in his village so there are other options.

re your brother taking time off to take your dad to the doc

I do that for my mum. Not quite sure what the issue is there?

My mum also has a heart condition that's hard to control but tbh there's not anything that can be done about that.

AA isn't means tested, it's what you said your brother said about an overpayment of something else made me wonder if they were wary about something.

Well I think he could manage going to the docs himself, he was able to get to his other appt on time last week. But it is kind of him to do so I suppose.

OK no the overpayment was not my parents but my brother's family (child tax credit) they paid it back - overpayments are easy to get with tax credits and common, it is not an issue. Nothing to do with the parents.

My mum can go to the doc on her own too

we just both find it nicer to go together. (I mean for her!) It means I can pick up any important comments that she might miss etc. She's 81.

I'd be at work worrying about it if I didn't go with her. I have altered how I work so I can help her more - do longer shifts on certain days. I do use up annual leave helping her.

If your brother wants to do that, I think that's fine. Do you feel it increases the expectation on you? That would be another reason for a sibling meeting I think.

He has taken a lot of time off work already - I understand it is nice to go etc but he has a young family also. Oh I'm not sure. Thanks for listening.

I think what I will do from now on is just speak to dad and see how he is / what he wants to do and help with it, and not discuss everything with my brother. It should be dad who decides anyway what he wants to do, not brother anyway.

I understand it is nice to go etc but he has a young family also In the long run it is easier if family know what the doctor has actually said rather than getting a perhaps inaccurate version from the elder. Even when young and in full possession of your faculties it is easy to forget details or be selective in your listening.

Just been thinking through things as been feeling guilty recently. I actually live in a different country, well UK still but other end, my parents live In a place where social care is free and I think, easier to access that some parts of the UK. there is good sheltered housing available also and they get alerts when it comes up regularly

My dad - refused carers, now brother is helping him

My mum- refuses any help at all even though her rented home is isolated, however has been offered sheltered accommodation and things like support services nearby, refuses to access any of them.

Neither will move on from the divorce and remain in touch albeit angrily while refusing to help each other. Which makes it even worse.

I am now trying myself up in knots to help them, I don't see it will help.They are eligible to lots of support e.g. pension credit, and the like. They save it up. It is kind of selfish not to access support in a way when it is available. I see it a lot on here, now I have started looking.

They parentified me and my brother growing up. (treated us as their parents / carers) so much so they tried to get me to leave university as a teenager to look after them when their marriage broke down. I escaped that then and I'm not letting them use the 'elderly' card to lure me back

Sorry if that sounds selfish.

OP it doesn't sound selfish at all

if you don't want to be involved with their care though, the main thing is to be clear about that and not criticise what anyone else does.

That's why I said about a sibling meeting. If you feel they are putting pressure on you, you need to say so. Similarly, if they feel you are providing input that's no good, they need to feel free to say so.

when people are refusing help to the detriment of their children, they are being very selfish indeed.

Thanks. Good plan about speaking to my sibling. They are pretty sensible to be honest and I know they understand. They are closer and might feel the pressure more, but being male they sometimes seem to expect less. Not sure why. as the eldest daughter, they both seem to want me to look after them.

OP, is it your parents wanting more of your help - while you live very far away?

so not sibling pressure?

I'm currently on the rough end of having offered too much help and now trying to get out of it - so all I can say is, be careful.

Also, it used to really freak me out seeing mum's health - well tbh it still does. But now I realise, from this helpful board, that there are so many people who are slowly shuffling down stairs with their laundry basket, tired after a wee stroll round the garden....it doesn't make it any less depressing but it does make me realise that she can "manage" on her own.

Both really.

Yes I know what you mean. I learnt from it growing up and moved far away partly due to it. Now they are getting older my brother and his wife are hinting a bit about stuff...NC with mum anyway bit dad quite lonely / needy

Neither have moved on from the divorce either would have been better if they had really, but anyway, their business not mine!

I am not going to be 'guilted' by my SIL (who does not have such a relationship with her parents) or brother, or parents (all seems a lot at times!) however what I have just decided is to act at a distance e.g. signpost to agencies for support such as Age UK, local council etc

In fact just been struggling with trying to do an AA form online for dad...rang the local council and they will go out and do it all at home..
quick call to his GP and note in system saying next time in they will give him a printout for the former visit.

So, I can stay away from the contact, but do a couple things like this if really needed from a distance, as I have the internet etc.

That will be my limit I think. Focus on the response which is where the control lies.

And if bro/SIL do say anything I can say, well they have the choice. They do know about services available as Age UK sent them a pack. Makes it a bit easier.