Separate elderly parents.

[Orangeblossom78]

I have elderly parents who are divorced and live apart, one in the middle of no-where. Neither keen to engage with any support. Both late 70s and with health problems. Anyone else in this position? It is tricky as it would be easier f they would support each other a little - they are still in touch and amicable, friends even. They have little other contact with others apart from each other and neither have moved on from years ago. Sometimes, still expect us to all meet up together. It's a difficult situation all round.

The only real positive is they like in Scotland and the social care is free.

Orange That all sounds very sensible. Well done for coming ot a conclusion.

Attendance allowance is not means tested. I applied for my mum and as far as I remember it was paid to her by cheque. She at that time got her pension paid by cheque. The amount was also backdated to the date of application. The only stipulation is that they are informed when the person in receipt of AA lets them know if admitted to hospital for a stay or maybe respite in a nursing home. They are entitled to I think 8 weeks a year for situations like this. But as long as you inform them of any stays they will work out if any payments are not due.

My dad was entitled to AA but my mum didn't want to apply. With hindsight I wished I had just went ahead and done it.

AA is normally paid direct into a bank account. If you're entirely self funding, you can still get it if you're in a care home. But if the Council pays any part of the care home costs you can't get it.

It’s very difficult and I sympathise. DHs parents are struggling a lot, we live overseas and SIL is doing everything your brother is: going to appointments, cleaning and laundry etc etc. She is doing it because frankly she’s not willing to say no and her dad “doesn’t want strangers in the house”...

What exactly is the issue with your DB / SIL? Do they expect you to do more and are being passive aggressive with you about it? What do they say? You can’t exactly be hands on when you are miles away. We’ve adopted a similar role as you - DH does the research, phones up councils, social work, support agencies etc and reports back to his sister and parents. He also goes back for 5-7 days each year, tune that is dedicated to sorting things out for his mum (who is genuinely in need of care).

Maybe it will be enough to - as you say - set your boundaries clearly and stick to them.