Inheritance

[Sadaughter]

Wise MNetters, please share your wisdom.

I am one of 6 children. I have 4 DB and 1 DS. My DM is in her 80s. DF died 20 years ago.

Our family business was left to my DB (Say DB1) during my DFs lifetime, with the proviso that he provide for my parents (unsure of details). A second, smaller part of this business was left in DMs name that DB1 paid her ‘rent’ as her income, perhaps above ‘market rate’. He certainly had the view that he was purchasing the second part, IYKWIM.

Anyway. At the time I protested to both parents that this distribution of assets was unfair. However they proceeded.

Around 7 years ago, DB1 persuaded my mother to 'sign over' the second business. After paying 'rent' for years he may have felt entitled to it. Anyway, he gave my mother a 6 figure sum for this business. He also at the same time sold the first business for a high 7 figure sum.

He now has a lifestyle where he can pursue his hobbies and not work.

My mother distributed the money she received from DB1 mainly among my brothers. DS and I each received 10,000, whereas DB2,3&4 received multiples of that.

DB1, not being confined geographically, by the 'family business' now travels a lot, and has a GF several hours drive away.

My frustration and anger is that my mother has treated her DDs so poorly. I have discussed it many times with her, but her belief was that men should provide for their wives.

I am also a little angry with my DBs for pocketing this inheritance.

Additionally, DM will expect DS & I to wait on our DBs at family meals. She will comment in amazement when my DH or BiL do the dishes or change a nappy.

DM now has some cognitive detereoration. I won't say dementia. But I truly didn't know how extreme her views were, and I think they have become exaggerated with age. But much of this dates back to her in her full health.

The problem is DM is starting to have care needs. I have made it clear to my family that I have NO responsibility to her care needs. I used to drive her to appointments but everytime I hear that she has given yet more money to my DBs, I care for her a little less. DB1 does most of her driving in the last year. DB1 accepts her 'care' responsibility - he has engaged an AuPair, not to do any work but to be a 'live in' presence. This is probably what DM needs but she says she doesn't like the girl, and is willing to spend more time with her DDs instead!!

I am not having this for 1 second!

The expectation on me is to visit my mother weekly. TBH I actually find this hard. I found out yesterday that she has in the last 2 years given DB2,3,&4 tens of thousands of €, whereas she has given DS and I nothing.

It is not just the money. I don't need any of her money. It is her attitude and the secrecy.

Plus when I visit, she constantly finds fault, feeds my children loads of sweets. She will tell DS and I to do the chores and wait on the other guests. It is just a PITA .

I would also add that none of the DB are poor, whereas DBiL has been out of work in the last few years (He is now working but on a temporary contract).

I am disgusted and brokenhearted at how my mother has treated me, and I don't know how to respond.

BTW DB1 is planning to go away for Christmas. DM is planning to go to my DS. I am angry on her behalf.

Any thoughts?

WWYD?

I posted in case I lost it!!

@0thers1de0fthew0rld yep. Less contact is the plan.

@BigSexyCrimeUnit thank you for the advice, and the smile you gave me.

@GrumpyHoonMain may I ask what is your culture? PM me if you like. I've told her to discuss stuff recently with my brother (re the AuPair). I know she feels her DDs are letting her down.

@Bahhhhhumbug I think this was over a year ago so the cheque is obsolete. But @MrsTerryPratchett has it right.

I'm glad I had it right because I felt a bit bad about speaking 'for' you. But I see that the money is just a signpost for all the other unfairness. The lack of love, care, attention, praise, time and on top of all that, being expected to do the care work. All the expectations, none of the perks.

And your DB can make his own bloody bed!

I'm going out for the day tomorrow, shopping and visiting, with DS (so need to get off to bed!). She received a 'phone call this evening asking her to bring DM with us. This would have totally changed the day - there would have been no wandering around the shops etc. Anyway she refused!!! Our excuse was that we were taking the bus. This is new territory for both of us, but especially for her.

Ah l see re the cheque, l thought it more recent and yes l know it would t make things right but just thought your db4 sounds the less grabby as he didn't cash it and agrees it's all unfair lm guessing as he wanted to hide the fact he got it from you iyswim.
I just thought as MrsTerryPratchett pointed out it would make you feel at least one brother had your back.
Also do you think it is a generational 'Victorian' thing as it definitely was in my family rather than personal against the girls per se? Your mother certainly holds very old fashioned views about gils/women's place in society. I'm just wondering if that would help you not to take it personally. Your other brothers should've had your back though imo.

Hi OP

I am in a similar situation , nowhere near the amounts but a lifetime of secret financial gifts , house deposits , debt payoffs etc given to a select few ( there are 7 siblings). The same amount ( ie 50 pounds ) given to each at Christmas so parents can claim that they are scrupulously fair .
As for the previous poster who said you were obsessed with money- what bullshit. That’s the first thing that was thrown in my face when I pointed out unfairness. Very easy to say isn’t it ? And usually said by those who have no experience of this situation . Money is important - it makes lives easier. But it is the making of a difference that really does the damage .

Sorry my last sentence wasn’t clear . I meant by treating siblings differently ( and in my case keeping it secret) parents destroy trust between children and parents and between siblings

the thing is, I doubt your mother is going to change now, certainly not in the direction you would like.
you seem to have the view, as do others on here,
that you mother has to earn your regard by behaving correctly.
how many of us could pass that test. truly.
that is a point of view. it is not mine. be careful you do not become obsessed by it all.
try to take your husband's advice, else you might alienate his affection and regard.
since you don't need the money, what does it really matter.
seems like youd rather be right than loving. that's up to you. seems a waste to me. life is brief. cant you forget about money. I don't mean to upbraid you, I just feel you are making your life narrow and bitter and less enjoyable with the position you have taken. you seem to have backed yourself in to a corner.

a mother is precious, unique, often taken for granted, until its too. what about trying to just accept and love her as she is. she is not perfect. are you.

who knows what your children will have to say about you when they are grown up. if only mummy wasn't so obsessed about granny's money.
and it is her money after all. she could give it to the gardener if she wants to. is this what is really most important to you. life is not fair. im not saying she always treated you absolutely equally, but she is human. we all make different mistakes. does that make us unlovable, acceptable to our nearest and dearest. sounds very harsh.

OP Hope you had pleasant day out with your sister.

@Fedupfiona
it is the making of a difference that really does the damage Exactly.

DH has pointed out to me that I DID inherit some money (deposit on my first house) and he's right. When my father was alive I really had no complaint. Even willing the business to my DB - the onus was put on him to fund my DParents retirement, which could have been many years and Nursing Homes eventually. No one could have predicted. DB ran the business well and is willing to fund DM care needs.

Since the business is now gone, and that was linked to DM and DBs homes (all sold now) my DB built a new house with an annexe for DM. But as my DM is becoming increasingly needy, DB is away more. She is lonely and vulnerable now.

Anyhows, I was very stressed last week as there were family meetings and much talk about her care. I also learned that her gifting is only to her sons. (this coupled with her sexist behaviour, breaks my heart). The conclusion of the talks is that DB1 will fund care needs, he just wants us to visit DM weekly.(there's a bit more but that is the main gist).

Sometimes the inside of my head feels like a ping pong ball is bouncing away in there - and that was how it was last week. I needed an outside perspective. I'm much more resigned and calm now. I haven't an exact plan going forward but your understanding, and all of your answers saying IANBU are very helpful. Thank you, for the therapy.

@Fortysix we did.
Laughter IS the best medicine.

Hi OP

I may be wrong but do you feel unwilling to visit your mother now that you are clearer about her behaviour ? I know that’s how I felt .
I also felt ( and hid) rage at attempts by the beneficiaries of preferential treatment to suddenly treat the situation as ‘all in this together’ ‘ everyone has to do their bit’
Oh, so NOW we are equal are we
Ugh

@Fedupfiona
There was a comment upthread about going from the back leg to the front leg.
There was an incident a few years back, where DM totally ignored my view. The next time the same situation occurred, I quickly left. The third time it happened, she sorted it, my way. Children make a rapid exit more difficult, but I'm determined not to put up with abuse. So, it might be withdrawing from conversation, if it is impossible to actually leave. But it will be withdrawal.

I am unwilling to visit. But feel obliged to. I don't want to talk about her will, or her affairs. Trouble is, I think on some level she wants my approval. She draws down these matters. 'DS should be happy with what she got.' 'We paid for her house' - actually DSis just cleared her mortgage this year.
DBs look on her casual sexism, as harmless eccentricity. I don't think they even saw it as wrong until they married. I'd say they wonder how a person, (me), that they would perceive as successful in life, takes any notice . But DM is unrelenting - e.g. she may in a group conversation, tell me or DS to 'get up and make coffee, for the boys'. Answers like
'I don't want coffee' or 'they can help themselves' will not stop her. She will keep going on and on about it - really in my case until it becomes a row.

DB1 said to me recently, 'DM has 6 children'. My friend pointed out, 'pity she hasn't 6 businesses' Irony is, even if she had 6, DSis and I would never see it.

As I explain this I feel that sad knot in my stomach.

Sad daughter

It’s no consolation but I feel almost exactly as you do.

I wish I had an answer . I know I disguise how I feel and keep my distance emotionally and ‘talk about the weather’. I have been through anger and sadness. Now I’m just numb.
Families can be rubbish can’t they .

It occurs to me that your mother may be aware of her poor treatment of you at some level and seeking approval is her way of trying to convince herself and you that everything is fine.

q

OP what was your mother's relationship with her parents like? My grandmother is a very sexist woman. She pampers my male cousins and forgives their bad behaviour (verbal abuse and physically threatening behaviour) but if I shout she tells them to get away from me because I'm a "bad influence".

They receive all sorts of gifts from her that include new cars, cash and mobile phones. My sisters and I do receive things but nothing like what my male cousins receive. I don't want the things I would just like for us to all be treated in the same way. She is now afraid of one of my male cousins because we fell out after he tried to assault me while pregnant. She has not been to meet my baby because she says she is afraid of him finding out. I am angry at her and have very little sympathy because I feel the way she treated them has made them this way.

I think she has internalised a lot of things about women being inferior and less important than men from growing up in a sexist culture. Instead of standing up for herself and others she decided to ally with the more powerful side instead. It's very sad.