Inheritance

[Sadaughter]

Wise MNetters, please share your wisdom.

I am one of 6 children. I have 4 DB and 1 DS. My DM is in her 80s. DF died 20 years ago.

Our family business was left to my DB (Say DB1) during my DFs lifetime, with the proviso that he provide for my parents (unsure of details). A second, smaller part of this business was left in DMs name that DB1 paid her ‘rent’ as her income, perhaps above ‘market rate’. He certainly had the view that he was purchasing the second part, IYKWIM.

Anyway. At the time I protested to both parents that this distribution of assets was unfair. However they proceeded.

Around 7 years ago, DB1 persuaded my mother to 'sign over' the second business. After paying 'rent' for years he may have felt entitled to it. Anyway, he gave my mother a 6 figure sum for this business. He also at the same time sold the first business for a high 7 figure sum.

He now has a lifestyle where he can pursue his hobbies and not work.

My mother distributed the money she received from DB1 mainly among my brothers. DS and I each received 10,000, whereas DB2,3&4 received multiples of that.

DB1, not being confined geographically, by the 'family business' now travels a lot, and has a GF several hours drive away.

My frustration and anger is that my mother has treated her DDs so poorly. I have discussed it many times with her, but her belief was that men should provide for their wives.

I am also a little angry with my DBs for pocketing this inheritance.

Additionally, DM will expect DS & I to wait on our DBs at family meals. She will comment in amazement when my DH or BiL do the dishes or change a nappy.

DM now has some cognitive detereoration. I won't say dementia. But I truly didn't know how extreme her views were, and I think they have become exaggerated with age. But much of this dates back to her in her full health.

The problem is DM is starting to have care needs. I have made it clear to my family that I have NO responsibility to her care needs. I used to drive her to appointments but everytime I hear that she has given yet more money to my DBs, I care for her a little less. DB1 does most of her driving in the last year. DB1 accepts her 'care' responsibility - he has engaged an AuPair, not to do any work but to be a 'live in' presence. This is probably what DM needs but she says she doesn't like the girl, and is willing to spend more time with her DDs instead!!

I am not having this for 1 second!

The expectation on me is to visit my mother weekly. TBH I actually find this hard. I found out yesterday that she has in the last 2 years given DB2,3,&4 tens of thousands of €, whereas she has given DS and I nothing.

It is not just the money. I don't need any of her money. It is her attitude and the secrecy.

Plus when I visit, she constantly finds fault, feeds my children loads of sweets. She will tell DS and I to do the chores and wait on the other guests. It is just a PITA .

I would also add that none of the DB are poor, whereas DBiL has been out of work in the last few years (He is now working but on a temporary contract).

I am disgusted and brokenhearted at how my mother has treated me, and I don't know how to respond.

BTW DB1 is planning to go away for Christmas. DM is planning to go to my DS. I am angry on her behalf.

Any thoughts?

WWYD?

This might be better in aibu!

If this were my mum I'd've cut ties long ago. She clearly has preference for the sons. You and your sis should tell her to get lost and spend Christmas with a family member she's bankrolled!

Cut ties OP. Get some proper therapeutic support if that would help you and you feel you need it. X

I would cut visits down to birthdays, once over the Christmas season, and once maybe at Easter.

It's up to your sister to stick up for herself so if she hasn't got the backbone to say "no" to having your mum at Christmas that's her lookout.

Your brothers can step up and 'earn' all that money they've been gifted to the detriment of you and your sister.

MadnessInTheMethod Or whichever religious/cultural holidays the OPs family celebrate? I agree though. You and your sis have been treated like second class citizens and still expected to act as skivies. I'd be redirecting any requests for help to 'ask your DS he's apparently more valued'. Horrid situation.

Thank you for your replies.
I do feel it's a first world problem- 'I inherited so much less than my brothers' when a person reading it might struggle to feed their family, and could only dream of inheriting anything.

I have gone to counselling over this. I just find it so hard to move on/away. Plus I heard over the weekend that she had given a cheque to a brother who previously had denied it. (I asked).
I thought she had decided to give money to DB 2 &3. I didn't like it but was appeased that DB4, I thought, was treated the same as the DDs. Seems he fibbed. She gave him a cheque for 30K, (which he never cashed, as it happened).
I'm afraid this brought it up again for me.

Thank you for the advice that DS has to fight her own battles. I am protective of her. She has a need to be needed, that all of my family take advantage of. But I can't create her boundaries for her.

I'd be afraid to put this in AIBU. I've cried many tears over this. Plus it's too easy to say NC. (Though in my heart....)

DM has complained to me that I think it a compliment to look after her, and that I feel that those that got the money should do it. I replied that she couldn't expect people to be nice to her, if she wasn't very nice to them. But there is no pleasure in winning an argument with a slightly confused 84yo.

I think this is a serious problem which would affect anyone's mental health and in your shoes I would also have cried many tears. I'm so glad you have had some counselling. If you are able, I would also be prepared to have counselling sessions regularly as it's not a trivial matter.
Being drip fed morsels of subsequent inequalities and activity must be really painful. Realistically you need to change the way you communicate with your mother ( and brothers) and try to move from being their dumping ground. You have get off the back foot and be on the front foot.

If you don't want to cut ties perhaps consider going very low contact - only see her during holidays? I can see why you would feel so hurt. It's not about the money but it's being treated differently just because you're a daughter not a son. I would also refuse to care for her. Let your brothers step up. Are you still in therapy?

If you want to be told you aren't unreasonable for refusing to care for her: YOU ARE NOT UNREASONABLE TO REFUSE TO CARE FOR HER. You sound as though you are quite conflicted and feeling a bit guilty about it.

Talk to your sister and tell her that she needn't feel guilty either, but ultimately it is her choice. Tell her that you will back her up if she says no, but equally if she agrees to have your DM for Christmas then you need to accept that and not try to make her change her mind.

There's no point arguing with your DM about it. Just tell your DBs that you are not providing the care. Then when your DM asks you, you can just say "DB1 needs to do that. I've already told him that I can't."

Thank you for reading my tale of woe. I'm reading and rereading every reply.
My DH is supportive, but I think he doesn't understand why I cannot 'move on'. His advice is similar to yours - duty visits but emotional distance. He sees my DMs objectionable behaviour, but puts it down to age, and doesn't really understand why I'm so hurt. He doesn't want it to blight mine and our lives. And I get that.

I knew I would get wisdom here. Thank you.

OP I get this.

My mum and dad arent as wealthy as your mum and dad appear to be. Its much smaller amounts.

But dbro (and now his wife) have been supported by my parents his whole life. Even when he moved into his own home, mum paid his legal bills. It's always been the same. Things that seem pretty to most really hurt.

For example during dbro GCSE exams, mum got up every morning and made him a big breakfast, to help him concentrate in exams. She didnt even both getting our of bed when did mine. Hee response was 'well it's not as exciting when it's the second time'. That summed up my life. Things just werent as interesting, when it came to me.

Dbro and his wife wanted one of them to be a sahp. They decides it would dbro. Mum and dad pay for all sorts. Even gave them a car. Their front door broke. Mum and dad paid 1k for the front door sil wanted. Mum would only ever have my kids if I was doing overtime at work. But has bros kids so they can go away for the weekend, sil can get beauty treatments, dbro can go our with his mates etc.

I was a single parent who fled an abusive marriage. They didnt even help me move into my new house. They felt the abuse wasnt that bad. Never offered ri help practically or financially.

I finally cut them off. I had to. Its painful and I get so sad about it. But looking back I can see the abuse from being young. Being the black sheep and less that dbro.

I had to accept that I wasnt going to ever get the parents I wanted and they wouldnt change. It's so hard. But I had to move on. I am not saying you have to go NC to move on. I know its hard, bit your dh is right. Letting it blight your life isnt going to make it better. Ita only going to spoil your life with him.

i think you have to think really hard how you might feel when you can no longer say anything to your mama.
will you think something like, oh well, she had a good long life, comfortable circumstances, and now I'm free of all the drama etc.
or will you feel very sad at the lost opportunity to be in loving relationship. I may not have expressed this well.
your M is in her 80s, already shewing signs of cognitive decline; if that progresses she may not be able to communicate or recognise people eventually. how would you feel then. will you feel regret.
for your own peace of mind, is there any way you can put aside all this wrangling over money, favouritism/ sexism etc.
her views may be sexist, but they are her views, what she grew up with. would you feel the same if she voted a different way from you.
as to the money, you admit that you do not actually need it. let it go.
love her for who she is. surely you have some fond memories, from childhood. accentuate the positive. be the bigger person.
I would give anything to do one thing, say one word, to my parents.

I get you OP. It is about being treated less well than your siblings. It isn't specifically the amount of money, it is the fact that she thinks she can treat the 'boys' generously, but then expect 'the girls' to look after her.
I wold continue to make it clear that you wouldn't be getting involved in any care. I would say to your sister that, whereas obviously it was up to her, I would encourage her not to either. I would be really clear to all my brothers how completely unfair both your parents have been with their wealth and ask them how it would make them feel (are they even aware everyone hasn't been treated the same?).
I would then visit occasionally, but NOT be 'available' for caring role which your brothers need to step up to.

You are completely obsessed with money. I am of the believer your mum looked after you when you needed it so you should play a part in her care. Doesnt have to be a major one. It is gutting your mum has lavished only her sons but you know what you rightly had no control over that decision. I try and remind myself comparison is the thief of joy and you sound seriously bitter. Get over it and dont take it out on an elderly parent . Make allowances and move on

I completely get you OP. I have seen families torn apart over this kind of thing and so have my parents insofar as they have made a point of telling us on numerous occasions that everything has been left equally between all of us.

I think I would have to take a step back tbh. She cannot expect to be looked after by you and your sis after her treatment of the two of you. .

something else occurs to me.
I know you don't like to say it's dementia, but older people often go backwards in their inner selves, so views and norms that were current in her youth, eg gender roles, may seem to have become more extreme recently.
that could be another warning. try not to judge; try to accept her love.
we all take our parents for granted, and that childish dependence that sees them as omnipotent and omniscient lingers deep down. perhaps that's why sibling rivalry can be so sore, it goes right back.
well, older people often go right back, in their minds and feelings.
do we love our children because they are admirable, fair, good; or do we love them, fundamentally, simply because they are.
though we'd like them to grow into decent people, that's not why we love them. a baby has no moral attributes, some are not even cute, but parents love their child just because they exist. any judgments are secondary.
try to value and accept your mother despite her failings, because she loved you, bore you, cared for you, and you will never have another mother. no one is perfect.
supposing in 40 years time your children are exasperated at your antiquated ideas. your insistence on keeping surreptitiously a banned gas boiler in your cellar. you stubbornly refuse to get rid of it and install the approved windmill in your front garden. you irrationally say that you don't like it, it looks ugly, spoils the garden, doesn't warm the house properly... your grown up children are fending off the govt inspectors, fearing you will be made an example of, and worst of all wasting money with old-fashioned boiler, burning money= their inheritance. you say, please dears just come and see me, I miss you. not until you come to your senses, they say. you are sad. they are indignant. you are lonely, long for them, love them, cant understand their anger.
just a thought.
good luck.

OP I think you need to have your mother's mental capacity assessed and also see a solicitor. If she has dementia, giving large sums of money away would not be appropriate (neither would accepting them). Does a family member have power of attorney? I think her financial management is questionable and your brother's acceptance of such large sums of money should be investigated. Good luck.

You are completely obsessed with money.

That's so unfair. Her family has treated the children wildly different. Could have been care, or time or, in this case, money. Whatever the item that's withheld is, becomes important. It isn't OP that's obsessed with money, it's her parents.

It's shitty. And sexist.

At 80 your DM is not going to change her attitude

It's not inheritance, that is when someone has passed away

You have a choice, you don't have to visit every week, perhaps every fortnight or month ?

I agree things seem unfair

Ignore ignorant people who try and guilt you with nonsense about their own dead parents, or the fact your mother gave birth to you so you owe her a massive debt. They are spouting utter bollocks. Not all parents love their children equally or even (shock/horror) at all. Neither are they owed anything for caring for you as children. Having children is a selfish action, people don’t have children benevolently for the children’s sake they have them for their OWN needs and reasons. It’s not a quid pro quo situation.

Your mother has made her bed and it just happens to be with your brothers. Let them all lie in it and enjoy your own life without any guilt.

This boy preference when it comes to inheritance and money is quite conmon in my culture, but then the duty of care is on the boy’s wife not the daughter. If you want to break away do it and make sure your mum knows why.

Thanks you for *not^ posting in AIBU!

Lots of food for thought. I'll reread and reply later. I'm using you guys as therapists. I have all of the feelings mentioned, love, guilt sadness, joy, regret. And some not mentioned. Anger. Even rage.

In the last few years I had developed a problem with alcohol. Not falling down stuff, just too much wine in the evenings. I managed to quit alcohol completely 2 years ago. As a result, my emotional mindset is calmer. I do want to process all of this while my mother is still alive. I also don't want this toxicity to destroy my relationship with my whole family.

Sounds like very ictorian values your parents have/had. That is leave everything to eldest boy, then other boys then girls have to depend on kindness of brothers to look after them.
My parents left e erytbing to our eldest DB on this proviso, but he being a very kind soul lm pretty sure would've shared some with us. We. never found out as sadly he predeceased our parents.
But l do think it's a generational thing that still lingers in some families with very elderly parents still with us as that was the norm for a large chunk of their childhood and life.
You say one DB (4?) hasn't cashed a 30k cheque so would he consider doing so and dividing it between you and sister? To even things out a little?

You say one DB (4?) hasn't cashed a 30k cheque so would he consider doing so and dividing it between you and sister? To even things out a little?

The issue with this, and I do think it would make OP feel better about her DB, is that it doesn't address the issue. OP doesn't need the money. Getting some of the money now just looks like scraps from the important people's tables. Because unlike PP said, she's not obsessed with money, she's rightly angry about the whole situation. I think if all the DBs from the beginning had shared fairly and said, "bless, she's old-fashioned, here's your share" every time, at least there wouldn't have been all this lying, unfairness and sense of loss. But a few grand now that she has to ask for isn't going to solve this.

Sorry OP, it's shitty. My parents have their issues but they are scrupulously fair with money.

@drankthekoolaid we are working on this. DSis and I are really together in this.

@OVienna I have had therapy. I stopped recently. Today I'm using you guys - because I really struggle to see what 'normal' is. I am the rebel in my family. My mother still talks about the massive row she had with me 35 years ago because I refused to make my brother's bed - he was watching tv at the time. It went on for 20-30 minutes!! I should do that for my brother.

@MadnessInMethod definitely less visits. And shorter. Currently 3-4 hours, about 3 times per month. So most weeks.

@Fortysix thank you for your understanding. NC is not the choice I want right now, but yes to getting off the back foot.

@Lentilbug I'm in MN therapy today. But I still have my councillor's number and will go back to her if I'm feeling overwhelmed.

@TeaForTara thank you for the YANBU. it helps me dispel any guilt - and DM is vigorous at spreading it.

@Anotherlongdrive I have similar stories. They are so hurtful. I hope you are in a better place now with your children. I hope we both find contentment.

@alexdgr8 I have read your posts several times. I am brokenhearted that I do not have a loving relationship with my mother. I could fill a page with stories of how my mother has hurt me - like when I had my first child after 3 years of IVF, she did not visit until he was a month old. And only then because I cried on the 'phone and pleaded with her to come and see us. I am grieving this loss. But I am finally accepting it. I guess the money lays it out in clear and measurable terms.
I have fond memories of family life - like days at the seaside. But no, I really don't think I have many personal fond memories. Funny that.

You make an interesting point regarding the unconditional love a mother has for a baby. I see that between my mother and my brothers, e,g,, She will praise them at length when they are not around. She does not do that for her DDs.
You do not seem to get that it is not my mother's general decline that is my problem.

@BackforGood thank you. This is my plan.

@Radyward I am hurt and angry. I am trying (and failing?) to not be bitter.

@cstaff thank you

@S0upertrooper I am confident her mental capacity would meet that threshold. She is VERY sharp in ways. She might repeat herself, and forget amounts, but she is determined in her behaviour and will not be swayed.

@MrsTerryPratchett Thank you