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Elderly parents
Original poster

WWYD - Going away before the funeral

49 replies

Topsy44 · 07/10/2019 20:26

My lovely Dad sadly died at the weekend. I have a holiday booked with my 7 year old dd going away next Thursday. I think the funeral won't be until we get back - we are sorting it out tomorrow.

I am in a dilemma about whether to cancel the holiday? My Mum has said she can't advise me but she would miss me going away at this time. I do have a brother that could be with her and he said he wouldn't judge me if I chose to go but he doesn't live nearby. We were going to go away in the summer but because my Dad went into intensive care we couldn't go.

I know my Dd will be v disappointed if we can't go but I'm also worried about my Mum. What would you do? I will definitely be back for the funeral but feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 07/10/2019 21:15

Personally, I would cancel. When my dad died I wanted to be with my mum and 4 siblings. He died on a Saturday and, due to various delays, the funeral wasn't until 10 days later.

We all stayed near home (well our childhood home) during this time. Reminiscening, looking over old photos, listening to his favourite music, choosing songs and words for the service, helping with food/shopping, arrangements, paperwork and visitors.

Sorry for your loss.

Skinnydogfatcat1 · 07/10/2019 21:19

Cancel, you need to support your mum and you will need them.
So sorry for your loss.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/10/2019 21:21

I would cancel too. I know it is hard to think straight, and part of you may want to pretend it hasn’t happened, but I think you should be with your Mum now.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is.
Flowers

ncbaaybeee · 07/10/2019 21:25

If your mum had say ' go away and enjoy yourself, it's what your dad would have wanted' then I would go. But sounds like she wants and needs you. So I'd cancel and stay. There will be other holidays.

SallyWD · 07/10/2019 21:27

I would cancel. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

Outsomnia · 07/10/2019 21:29

How long will it take until the funeral happens? I am guessing two to three weeks or so?

Everyone's lives have to go on after a death, whether it is to go back to work or whatever, that is the reality. It takes weeks.

Could you take mum with you, or would she go with you?

Personally I would go away myself and hope that Brother will be there for Mum. Otherwise, given the amount of time it takes to arrange a funeral here, you may as well go. Nothing to be achieved by staying really.

Your Mum will appreciate you being with her when the fuss dies down after the funeral. I know this. It is then she will need you. Go my love and light a candle somewhere, if that's your thing for your dear Dad.

Sorry for your loss.

chinam · 07/10/2019 21:35

I'd cancel. Hopefully you can rebook for another time. Sorry for your loss.

greenlynx · 07/10/2019 21:36

I would cancel too. Your Mum will need you and I don’t think you would be able to enjoy this holiday as usual anyway. Your DD will be ok.
Very sorry for your loss.

RoomR0613 · 07/10/2019 21:38

Could your mum go with you?

ClumpingKate · 07/10/2019 21:48

Definitely cancel.
There will be other holidays.
This is not an appropriate time. Your mum needs you.
You will also find there is more than you expected to organising a funeral. It's not just booking it with the Funeral Director. There is music, the service, catering, order of service and plenty of other paperwork that will need planning / dealing with in the next couple of weeks.
Perhaps once the funeral is over you and your DD could take your mum away for a few days?

Fortysix · 07/10/2019 21:51

Dad died after catastrophic fall and our major special once in a decade family holiday to San Fran was six days later. DM was in a secure mhu with broken wrist . We still went.
We needed the holiday. Dad knew were looking forward to it. Was quite sad at times though... But it was correct decision for us. Really sorry you are in this situation.

mama3bear · 07/10/2019 21:52

Sorry for your lossThanks
I'd definitely cancel. Your mum needs you and I'm sure your dd will understand in the circumstances.
There was so much to do for my Dads funeral last year and I wouldn't of wanted to leave it all to my mum to deal with

lozster · 07/10/2019 22:06

It’s down to how you feel but personally I would go unless you are highly concerned about your mum’s welfare. When my MIL died it took weeks to get a funeral slot. You may be able to make all the arrangements before you go away. You were there for your dad when he was alive and that’s the important bit to my way of thinking.

Outsomnia · 07/10/2019 22:06

My OH relatives in Ireland organise a funeral and all the trimmings within a couple of days. Maybe many in UK think that is awful, but it is not. Believe me.

There is a wake (before the funeral) where people gather at the deceased's home and eat and drink (tea mostly ha ha) honestly it is a pre departure gathering. Lovely.

Then a day or two later following the death there is a funeral and then another gathering afterwards. I think it is amazing.

Then people can take a couple of days off work mostly covered by paid bereavement leave, and then get back.

The system in England mostly, is so drawn out isnt' it? Life has to continue in the meantime, and then grieve all over again at the time of the funeral.

Imagine having to back to work for three weeks having lost someone you love. I think it is cruel in a lot of ways, but I do understand that it is down to lack of Crem slots in most cases.

Sympathies to all who have lost loved ones. I am one of them.

PotteringAlong · 07/10/2019 22:09

I went on holiday between my dad dying and his funeral... He’d have gone nuts if I’d cancelled it Smile It was only for 4 days, but we still went.

I’m really sorry Flowers

lozster · 07/10/2019 22:16

Also, on a practical note, and perhaps inconsequential to you but you may lose money even if you have insurance. My SIL was due to go on holiday the day before my MIL died. My MIL was highly unusual in that she had refused to see a dr in 40 years. The insurance had my SIL contact the GP to verify that there was no known condition prior to death. Only when this was done, months later, did they pay out.

Obviously this isn’t going to be quite the same holiday you expected but if you do cancel only do it because it feels right to you not through a misplaced sense of propriety.

Gingerkittykat · 07/10/2019 22:27

How long is the holiday for?

Original poster
Topsy44 · 07/10/2019 22:33

Thank you for your replies. I was leaning towards the cancelling but spoke to a friend this evening who said I should go so got v confused! I do think deep down cancelling is the right thing to do. My Mum is 82 and wouldn't want to come away with us so I think I probably will cancel and rebook for some time next year.

OP posts:
VanillaSugarr · 07/10/2019 22:39

My MiL’s funeral is this week. It is about 3 weeks between her passing and the funeral. TBH, her passing seems ages ago. DH has been busy with the admin (his DF passed away a few years ago so all the bureaucracy has fallen to him) and clearing the house. I think that if we had booked a holiday then we probably would have gone anyway.

I think it all depends on your own mother and whether she finds the whole bereavement overwhelming.

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

VanillaSugarr · 07/10/2019 22:40

Ah, just seen your update. Yes, 82 is quite a vulnerable age.

Rachelover60 · 07/10/2019 22:54

I'm so sorry about your dad. Your 7 year old may be a bit disappointed about not going away but you will go away at a later time and she is not too young to understand that. Her grandma needs you around at the moment.

All the very best to you all.

ChicCroissant · 07/10/2019 22:55

Sorry for your loss, OP. How long is the holiday for? I can see that your 7 year old probably won't understand why her holiday is being cancelled again.

Pandaintheporridge · 07/10/2019 23:00

Wait till you've seen the funeral director and know where you stand re the funeral. Is it a local holiday that you could still go on, but maybe shorten? Or something abroad with flights? I think the fact that you have already cancelled it once before affects my feeling on this. Many people aren't able to be with their remaining parent anyway during this time due to work/other family/distance.

JoanieCash · 07/10/2019 23:11

Don’t be harsh on yourself. Wait until you have a date before cancelling. It can be weeks, and the distraction of a holiday good for you. It’s going to depend on your mum’s support network and who else can be with her etc.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/10/2019 10:56

I'm sorry, but from the way you describe your circumstances I would cancel too. It's clear your DM needs you there.

Your DD will be disappointed but you can claim on your insurance and reschedule at a better time. How you explain it to her will be a good exercise in understanding loss and grieving.

So very sorry for your loss Thanks

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