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Elderly parents

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Original poster

WWYD - Going away before the funeral

49 replies

Topsy44 · 07/10/2019 20:26

My lovely Dad sadly died at the weekend. I have a holiday booked with my 7 year old dd going away next Thursday. I think the funeral won't be until we get back - we are sorting it out tomorrow.

I am in a dilemma about whether to cancel the holiday? My Mum has said she can't advise me but she would miss me going away at this time. I do have a brother that could be with her and he said he wouldn't judge me if I chose to go but he doesn't live nearby. We were going to go away in the summer but because my Dad went into intensive care we couldn't go.

I know my Dd will be v disappointed if we can't go but I'm also worried about my Mum. What would you do? I will definitely be back for the funeral but feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:

longtompot · 08/10/2019 12:12

If you can find out when your mum is going to the funeral directors to organise everything, would you be able to go away for a few days after this, not the whole time booked? That way you've helped, plus managed to get a few days to possibly grieve in your own time, your dd gets a bit of one to one time, plus you'd be back to support your mum before the funeral, and maybe book something else for next year? I think at 7 she is old enough to understand why this is important.

Passthebubbly · 08/10/2019 15:25

Oh I’m so sorry you have lost your dad. Mine died last year and can only give you the perspective of the person staying put.
My step brother went on holiday (knowing dad was dying) just to the Lake District I will add to visit in-laws 🤯. Dad passed whilst he was gone then we had to delay the funeral until he was back from the lakes. It was infuriating not to mention I had to arrange the entire funeral myself with him sending the odd email. Anyway that is my gripe but if mum is saying she wants you here I would stay. I doubt you would enjoy a holiday at this time anyway. I would re book for few weeks after funeral x

Original poster

Topsy44 · 08/10/2019 17:54

We are due to go on holiday abroad. I went to the funeral directors today with my Mum and we have booked the funeral for the end of October which would mean if we were to go away I would have 3 days with my Mum when we got back before the funeral.

I am now leaning to going on the holiday. My brother has said he will be with my Mum if I go away and my Mum has said today that she thinks I should go. As a pp has said I do think my Dad would be saying don't be so daft and go. My brother and I are trying to do all the funeral arrangements etc and I think if we can get the bulk of it done before I go and my Mum is ok with it then I will probably go.

OP posts:

lozster · 08/10/2019 22:24

Topsy I have logged in just for you to say ‘go gO GO’. Just do it. Who knows what the next thing might be that stops you going on holiday?

OhTheRoses · 08/10/2019 22:33

I can't believe you are asking. Your mother needs you and is probably putting on a brave face. Your daughter needs to learn about doing the right thing.

lozster · 09/10/2019 12:48

@ohtheroses the OP’s mother is 82. After this life event there is likely to be another and another. She is that age. What would you have the OP do? Give up her life? You are entitled to your own opinion but saying ‘I can’t believe you are asking’ and you’re daughter needs to learn about doing the right thing’ sounds sanctimonious to me.

Samosaurus · 09/10/2019 12:53

If your mother has specifically asked you to stay then from her point of view it would be pretty unforgivable if you chose to go. Your dd’s disappointment about not going on holiday shouldn’t even be a consideration. Surely having just lost her grandfather she will understand. So sorry for your loss, Dad’s are irreplaceable.

Fortysix · 09/10/2019 12:57

Agree wholeheartedly with lozster. We don't know the back story. When I went on holiday six days after my poor DF died there had been a frantic catalogue of back and forward trips spanning most of the weekends for the last 9 months and ten weeks of almost daily hospital visits while juggling work. It's not about 'holiday ' time it can be about stepping away and regrouping and finding a quiet haven just to breathe and think straight.

OhTheRoses · 09/10/2019 12:58

Lozster. My mother and MIL are 83. I have reflected in relation to my relationship with my mother and my daughter. As a daughter I would cancel and be there for my elderly mother. As a mother I wpuld want my dd to go on holiday however hard it was for me. However, I think in my heart of hearts I would hope my daughter would cancel without asking me and I'd be relieved she chose to be around.

Family is family and mine cared for me and what goes around comes around.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/10/2019 12:58

As a pp has said I do think my Dad would be saying don't be so daft and go.

But with very great respect it's not what your Dad would say that counts. Your mum is the one having to cope with this, and it's a very stressful time. Everything will calm down after the funeral. I would think that would be the better time to go.

If you feel you can get everything in place before you go, and if you're sure she will be supported then that might be different. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable with it but you know your own family.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/10/2019 13:01

As a daughter I would cancel and be there for my elderly mother. As a mother I wpuld want my dd to go on holiday however hard it was for me. However, I think in my heart of hearts I would hope my daughter would cancel without asking me and I'd be relieved she chose to be around.

I also agree with this ^

theoriginalmadambee · 09/10/2019 13:17

Do what you would want your dd to do for you.

lozster · 09/10/2019 13:18

The OP said in her opening post that she already cancelled her holiday once in the summer. She also said her brother is there for her mum. When a relative is that age the likelihood is that the next ten years will be punctuated by episodes where her support is needed. There is no one ‘right thing’ to do. It’s not like she’s booking the holiday knowing her dad is dead to take advantage of compassionate leave or something. I’m depressed at the level of judgement on here and slightly envious of the OP whose circumstances facilitated the family massing for the period between the death and funeral to reminisce on the departed.

OhTheRoses · 09/10/2019 16:59

Lozster I have bden with my dh for 30 years, when I am 82 I'll have been with him for 53 years. I cannot think of anything more devastating, albeit part of the cycle of life, happening than that. I suspect very much I would want my daughter's support at that time and she would want mine having lost her father.

I think mothers and daughters have a unique bond. What is it they say "a son is your son until he finds him a wife, a daughter's your daughter for the rest of your life"

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/10/2019 17:25

The OP has also said her DB doesn't live nearby. Unless he is going to take time off work and stay with his DM he might not be able to spend as much time with her as she needs.

Pandaintheporridge · 09/10/2019 18:44

Yeah a lot of people say a lot of shit. Ohtheroses you are generally a very sensible poster but I can't believe you are trotting our that phrase.

lozster · 09/10/2019 21:07

Geez - I cant believe what I’m reading - a son is a son? You’ve got to be be kidding me right? And presumably that son can’t take time off work to comfort his mum but the OP obviously can and miss her holiday to boot? If that works for you fine, but the judgement on here is unbelievable.

Original poster

Topsy44 · 10/10/2019 16:31

Thank you for all the replies. I had another chat with my Mum today and she has actually told me to go. Between my brother and I we have organised pretty much everything for the funeral so everything is in place. My brother will be taking time off work to be with my Mum when I am not there and I will be calling my Mum every day when I am on holiday.

Lozter and Fortysix - thank you so much, you really seem to get it and are on the same page as me.

As a bit of a back story, the reason why we didn't go away in the Summer is because my Dad had gone into intensive care and my brother had a 2 week holiday booked. I told my brother to go and myself and my DD went back and forth to the hospital with my Mum throughout the Summer.

If my Mum was saying to me 'please don't go' there would be no question that I would stay but I can see that with my brother's support she will be ok and tbh in the weeks and months to come it will be me that will be seeing my Mum and supporting her the most. I am widowed myself so I know that the time after the funeral and beyond is just as important.

I am also surprised about some of the judgement on here. Funnily enough, in person, everyone has told me to go.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 10/10/2019 17:42

Good, I’m glad you’re going. As I said earlier on, I went on holiday between my dad dying and his funeral. It was definitely the right thing to do.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/10/2019 19:06

OP, I reread the thread and I didn't find any judgement at all. You posted your question and people gave you honest replies, some of which suggested you should cancel the holiday, which is clearly not what you wanted to hear.

I'm glad you have been able to make arrangements that allow your DM to be supported and for you to have your holiday.

Original poster

Topsy44 · 10/10/2019 19:10

Thank you PotteringAlong. It does feel the right thing to do now after talking it through.

OP posts:

BubblesBuddy · 14/10/2019 09:43

Also, I’m sure your mum has friends. Tee them up to visit her.

Between death and funeral is limbo time. When my Dad died, all you do is food shop, eat and clear up. Life tends to go into a trance. I took Mum out to buy an outfit to wear. We were able to laugh and joke but my sisters could have done the same thing without me there had I gone away. In real life, I wouldn’t have been judged.

HuggedTree · 19/10/2019 12:54

I came on to say of course you go! And the update you giving up a holiday to look confirms that. Why should you be the one to look after your mum and not your brother? You’ve helped with the funeral arrangements. During the first week there is more people around so your mum will need you more long term.

Have a good holiday with your daughter

clutchingon · 21/10/2019 10:34

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum (84) last month. I could not have gone away in the intervening period. Arranging funerals and phoning service providers really takes it out of you. I think you need to be there for your mum. Insurance should cover you.

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