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Elderly parents
Original poster

Just sat here crying

55 replies

Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 19:40

Ahhh. Messaged mum to see how she was as I do morning and night. This is the response I got. I can’t cope with it anymore. Nothing I do is enough.
She won’t do anything - anything to help herself and everything as an only child is left to me.
Let’s just say I belong on the stately homes thread. My relationship with her is utterly toxic but she is sick so I am doing my best to look after her whilst raising 2 kids and working full time. She lives 65mile round trip which I do twice a week. She had said she was moving beside us but had now decided not to. Has told social service she no longer needs help so that has been revoked. She is housebound without me. I can’t cope anymore! I’m about to crack. She is only 63 but a lot of complex issues that are just too much for me to cope with alone but she refuses all other help.
Text tonight to see she was ok to get “have just sat here and cried all day” you and me both! Not wanting to drip feed and massive back story of her shocking treatment towards me but doesn’t even matter anymore.

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Nicolamarlow1 · 04/10/2019 19:49

Does she have any friends nearby who might visit her? If you live approximately 32 miles away, she surely can't expect you to visit any more than you already do. Did she give any reason for saying that she doesn't need help from SS? Are her problems mental or physical? In either case, she sounds depressed. Can you persuade her to get a doctor's appointment?

BooseysMom · 04/10/2019 19:52

Hi, i get this. I'm sorry that i have no real advice but wanted to offer a supportive hug. It's amazing what you're doing, esp all alone, and this sort of care goes mostly unrecognised. My DM passed away 3 yrs ago and i'm left looking after DF who lives nearby. Sometimes the things he says about my DH and DS make me feel like pushing him down the stairs! He can be toxic. But all i can do is keep reminding myself he's 82 and lonely with just his cat for company.
It's so hard and i just wanted to say well done for what you're doing Flowers but make sure you look after yourself xx

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 20:13

Thank you folks. It’s such a hard situation mostly of her own doing. However we lost my dad last year which is why I have stepped in to help as much as I can. She had alienated all my fathers family and her best friend of 40 years walked away 18
Months ago due to the way my mum was treating her.
Basically long story short classic narcissist. No not many friends but has decided to live where she is because she couldn’t leave her friends. Not 1 friends she can call in when she needs a pint of milk though. I am dangled in a string constantly. She is 64 not
Old and completely forgets I am grieving too. She had serious health issues that are bad enough but invents more and more on top in line of cancer, brain tumour etc none of which have been true. I do think she is deeply depressed but apparently in her world depression does not exist. It’s just an excuse. No matter how much I give whatever I do it’s not enough. However often she stays here or sees the kids (and ignores them) it’s not enough. I’m in my mid 40’s now too I just can’t take all the
Emotional blackmail

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Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 20:16

As for as she got allocated help 15hrs. Week - enough to take her shopping and help round house. She can manage her own personal care. She didn’t like anyone that was sent anyone we hires lasted a week at most before she told them to leave. Last week I was expected to facilitate 4 hospital apps within school pick up town 40 miles away from home? She refuses to do the hospital transport and always cancels app until I can take her and then I panic as she goes on how worried she is about her symptoms and she feels like she is dying

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dementedma · 04/10/2019 20:26

That sounds tough. 64 is not old. I know several 64 year olds still working full time. I care for my mother like you but she is 84, not 64. I really feel for you but your mum is using you and needs to do more for herself

mendokusai · 04/10/2019 20:36

oh god she sounds like mine, I'm so stressed with that and work and retraining outside work hours that my hair is falling out. No advice but it's completely crap

Hiphopopotamous · 04/10/2019 20:43

She's only young. She could live another 30 years! Your own mental health is more important than trying to please her. She has options for care if she stops turning them away, she can take in an online shop and get taxis. You need to put yourself and your family first for once.

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 20:43

Jeez my hair is falling out too! I’m massive clumps in the shower every time I wash it.

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AutumnRose1 · 04/10/2019 20:45

Goodness, she's young.

Does she have mental capacity?

It's not your fault she refuses other help. I think be kind to yourself and refuse to enable her. Honestly, there's a risk she'll live longer than you. The stress of elderly parents who are nice is bad enough!

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 20:48

She does have health issues which mean she has not worked in 10 years now so she is older than her time and admirably cared for my father in his last 10 years. She has a stroke in the last mont of my father’s life awful for us all but she has come through it. She just isolated everyone from her life to the point she has perhaps 2 friends who
Visit ever 3-4 months but she couldn’t possibly move to where we live to be closer as they wouldn’t visit it’s too far every 3 months as oppose to me
Travelling 60odd miles minimum
Twice a week.

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Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 20:49

You know I keep thinking that. There is only 20 years between us. I could be 70 and her 90 and she always says if I ever put her in a home I am dead to her.

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AutumnRose1 · 04/10/2019 20:51

OP what's the worst that can happen if you are "dead to her"?

31133004Taff · 04/10/2019 21:02

I assumed your Mum was in her 80s. I have a similar relationship with my Mum, who is in her 80s, and this month have decided to walk away following a particularly vitriolic and completely unreasonable rant from her. I realise we are responsible for our own lives, right up to the end. I ‘am dead’ to my Mum but that is indicative of how dysfunctional our relationship was. I feel a sense of relief. My Mum could have a life different to that which has chosen for herself. It’s not up to me to make a happier life happen for her as it is not for anyone to do likewise for me. I feel quite liberated. Take care.

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 21:07

Taff - I applaud you. Be happy

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RiftGibbon · 04/10/2019 21:14

Has her behaviour become worse after having had a stroke?
As others have already said, you are doing as much as you can do. I think you just have to be straight with her and tell her that if she won't make use of the care package that she had, she will have to make her own arrangements.

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 21:16

Just re read today’s message “have been very tearful today am just sat here crying but i will be ok. Please give the kids my love I forget what they look like . (She seen them at weekend and is seeing the again Sunday?

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MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 04/10/2019 21:19

You know you need to rid yourself of the guilt and leave her to it. You know that. I wish you all the strength in the world in finding a way to do it. Flowers

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 21:21

Nope no worse since strike just a different dynamic as my father died in the middle of it all so a huge change all round whe things settled. Her one true friend walked away also so I have nobody to rely on now and mum seems to take pleasure in seeing me struggle with things with her now that she uses to do for dad day in day out. However I stepped back then also as I was overrun and she denied social work help and took the cash to pay someone herself but never dis but complained constantly she got no help but pocketed £380 a month for
A helper for dad. My sympathy stopped

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thesandwich · 04/10/2019 21:27

She sounds awful. Could you contact carers association or age uk for support for you?
You cannot sustain this. But need help to change it. Please seek help.

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 21:27

WhAt is different is her mobility. Can’t leave house without help (but refuses her 15hr a week from social work or private hire) refuses to use a walking aid or mobility scooter also

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Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 21:30

She is awful. I’m sorry to say it but she is. If I wrote the home back story I would be here all day but it doesn’t even matter now. I am meant to go away on Thursday for 10 days Oct hols with my kids which is why she is ramping up now

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Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 21:30

Doesn’t matter who o contact she won’t accept help from anyone other than me

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AutumnRose1 · 04/10/2019 21:33

Well that's her choice OP.

She can manage around the house, I think you're saying she has full capacity, she knows full well she's spoiling your life. She's hoping you'll cancel your holiday? Have you done that before?

TigerDroveAgain · 04/10/2019 21:38
Flowers

This is so tough for you. I’m also an only child, and your mum sounds very like my fairly recently deceased mother - but as with other posters, my mum was in her late 80s. Yours is virtually a contemporary of mine!

It’s hard but I think you will have to walk away from her. She CAN have support, but chooses to manipulate you ( that nonsense about forgetting what her grandchildren look like). Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Your no 1 priority should be you. This could go on for 25 years: that’s untenable - in fact 25 more days is too much.

I know the hard way that the more you give the worse it gets. I didn’t go NC but I did distance myself, and refused to take on things that weren’t feasible. It was tough but given the time again, I’d be tougher

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 04/10/2019 21:40

She has full mental capacity just not the best mobilty due to stroke and has another serious health condition that sees her in hospital 3 times a week.

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