Has anyone experienced this from an elderly parent?

[exiledfromcornwall]

Hi, I have been lurking here for a while and have decided to join the fray, as you all sound lovely and reading about what you are going through puts my own problems into perspective.

My 91-year-old mother, having been widowed for the third time, has been in a care home for nearly a year. When she first went in I thought I would be able to relax a bit and enjoy my retirement (I am 62 and my DH is almost 67). However, that is not proving to be the case. My main bone of contention is that every time we have the temerity to go away on a little break or a holiday she seems to have a bad day right before we are due to go, and then I go away feeling anxious and guilty.

The worst of all was right before our latest holiday. We were going to Wales for a week, and we were literally finishing our packing and getting ready to leave. It was 8.30 in the morning and there was a phone call from the home. My mother was refusing all food, drink and medicine and had left a note instructing that she should not be woken up for anything. The carer who phoned wondered was there anything I could think of that may have triggered this. I mentioned our holiday, and the carer immediately suggested that might have something to do with it. I then phoned my stepsister, and her response was “Go on your holiday, it’s just a protest”. So we went, but needless to say it got the holiday off to a really bad start. When we arrived at our first destination I switched my mobile on and there was a voicemail from my mother. She was up, showered and dressed, was really sorry to have worried me and that the home called me. However, by then the damage had been done.

I’m just interested to know, has anyone else experienced this sort of behaviour on the part of an elderly parent? It’s like I am being punished for wanting to live my life, and it aggrieves me to think that at our age we don’t know how much longer we have before one of us starts having problems.

BTW she has not been diagnosed with dementia, she generally has all her marbles, so I can't put her behaviour down to that.

Thanks for listening.

My grandmother always seemed to ‘take a fall’ the night before we went away on holiday when I was a child.

Very common and I've worked in elderly care. Manipulation of family members when they're trying to have a break happened a lot. She is being cared for by staff.

I don’t always know if it’s on purpose - but it’s very distressing.

My father would equally have a fall directly before he knew my mum was due out to an important event. I don’t think it was necessarily a conscious decision to be instructive but I do think sub consciously it came about through anxiety.

• obstructive

Could you not tell her about holidays?

My dad used to do this to my mum. He knew what a worrier she was. As soon as she went he was absolutely fine.

Yes my mum knows somebody this happened to. They stopped telling her mum when they were going away, my grandma is 97.5 and not too bad so far though. It's definitely a thing for some people

I think it's like the hysterical toddler being dropped off at daycare. All tears and snotters. 2 minutes later when you've left, they're fine and elbow deep in the sandpit.

I would keep the holiday quiet from her. How often do you visit her? Is your stepsister her daughter too? If so, when you do go away, ensure the home phone her up rather than you. Do NOT feel guilty!

Don't tell her that your going on holiday.

It's very typical behaviour I'm afraid but if she's in a home & being well cared for, she's fine

This is common. Someone I worked with had a family member who would do this without fail. They stopped telling her when they were going away, it was the only thing they could do otherwise she invariably found a way to stop them going.
Your step sister is right too and you need to give yourself permission to ignore it without feeling guilty.

My Mil would become ill when we were due to go away for the weekend or on our annual family UK holiday. We found out that she was deliberatly taking senacot and had packets hidden about the house.
She also pretended to be an alcoholic and called the Dr out, who then phoned us. She was extremely angry that we dared to have days out and refused all help from anyone else. She was very fit and capable of looking after herself, but when her husband died expected her son (my dh) to be her replacement slave.
Unfortunately she had been waited on hand and foot by fil and I suspect she had attempted to train my dh from childhood to step into fils shoes. We had a dreadful few years of manipulation and games from her.

My gran was like this with my mum. Whenever mum was going away, gran would have a 'funny turn' and she's be guilt-tripped into staying home. The only solution we found, as a family, was not to tell gran that mum was going away and to make an excuse as to why she wasn't visiting. So mum could then have a relaxing week away with friends, and gran would be under the impression she was busy at work thus unable to call round.

I am a nurse and have worked in nursing homes, and have seem for myself how some elderly people emotionally manipulate their families.

In future I wouldn't tell her about your trips then you could have a cold or an upset tummy that week to explain why your not visiting.

My grandmother is in a care home. It's a very nice one and the staff are extremely good. In spite of this she guilts my mum into travelling 2hours each way to her 2 or 3 times a week. My mum Is exhausted from it and has now stopped telling her when she goes on holiday, as she really needs the break. She simply calls her a couple of times each day and makes up a reason she can't visit that week / those days. It can include.. building work in the house, car has broken down, extra work etc. And it has worked so far. My mum will try and line up other visitors for the the days she can't go if possible.. me or cousins, old friends and even old colleagues have gone.

Ohhhhhh yes we had twenty years of it. Falls , not allowing carers in. Pretending she didn’t know anyone. And always the day or so before we went away.

Yes, all the time with my MIL. Holidays, weekends away, whenever we are visiting any other family members (we could be using that time visiting her), things like birthdays/anniversaries, when we have people to stay (this is the most recent one as she would rather we made the 5 hour round trip to collect her and bring her to stay than have anyone else come and see us), or actually when we have a weekend of "sorting the house"/DIY as this could wait in her view and we could be visiting her.

It usually starts with crying or screaming phone calls, then calls from a carer or someone else she has managed to guilt trip into going round.. anything from she needs a drink/has no food (this is never the case, there are things in place to make sure she has everything she needs and she lives in assisted living) to the more extreme of falls or not taking her medication.

We have found knowledge is power for her - try not to give ANYTHING away about anything you are doing that doesn't involve her and she tends to be fine. Seems a bit mean but it's exhausting and really does interfere in everything I otherwise.

Wow, I am overwhelmed by the number of responses and the level of support, thank you so much everyone.

Soontobe60 In answer to your question, I visit on average about every 8 weeks. I live over 4 hours’ drive away if I go with in the car with DH, more if I go on the train on my own – I don’t drive. The stepsister I phoned lives in another part of the country again, and she did agree to be the POC in my absence, but that didn’t stop my mother from leaving voicemails on my mobile. For the record, I am an only child, but due to the multiple marriages I have several stepsiblings. My mother has two stepdaughters, a step granddaughter and a nephew all living in the same town as the home, so all visit her regularly.

Next time we go away I will try the non-disclosure approach, will be interesting to see how that works out. Thanks again all!

My mil experienced this with her own mother. She ended up very controlled by her.

You have rights. You have a life which matters too.

I'm afraid there are other good reasons for not telling your parent you are going away, especially later down the line. It may be the time they choose to slip away.

It is the equivalent of being with your parent and then leaving the room. You return and that's when they departed. For some, death is a private thing and the happy stereotype of having the family all around when it happens is not the desirable outcome.

I'm not altogether sure you should tell the care home when you're going away either, if my experience of them is anything to go by. They should be able to contact you via the mobile even if you're out of the country.

However, see if you can get another family member to visit and keep an eye, and also do that even when you are not out of the country.

Yes, unfortunately it is very common. My friend is going through this with her own parents, but they are at home (both in their 90s).
If she mentions going away, they always have a fall, problem, illness.
Without fail.
But she can be at work for weeks on end and nothing happens.
Only on holidays...
OP, your mother is in a safe place. Why pay so much for a care home that can't deal with her?
Enjoy your holiday, you deserve a life for yourself.

If you only see her every 8 weeks there is no reason why you can't go away for a holiday. Just don't tell her. She can leave voicemails on your phone if she likes - and you can ring her back if you want to. She doesn't need to know where you are when you call her.

I know where you're coming from - my mother was in a home for her last years and she acted the same. Ironically, her mother also did the same thing , so Mum had experience in this , yet there she was doing the same old thing.

Enjoy your life and don't let yourself be ruled by a petulant parent !

FIL did this to MIL before she left for a holiday. Falling every hour or so.

You need a special strategy, how to deal with a 90 year old toddler!