Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Elderly parents

Mum just moved into a care home - top tips from those of you who know?

45 replies

loveyouradvice · 19/09/2019 11:47

Hi

My Mum has just moved into a care home, and is in early stages dementia.

I'd love advice from all of you who have been through this - what do you wish you had done? What was important that you are really glad you did?

Both advice about Mum and making her feel happy there and about working with the care home team would be really appreciated

OP posts:
Letsnotargue · 20/09/2019 22:43

See if the home has people that visit to do hair, nails etc. My grandma always looked lovely when I saw her - hair permed, nails painted. She was never vain, but it just made her look like her, and I’m sure that must have been reassuring for her. As said upthread, physical contact can be limited so a head or hand massage as they go can be lovely.

campion · 20/09/2019 23:19

JJSS123 my nephews took their babies,her gt grandchildren who were born 2 months apart,to see my mum in her care home a couple of weeks before she died (as it turned out). She absolutely loved it despite not really understanding who they were. She always loved babies and so do lots of people! I'd say go for it,as long as you can organise it with the staff first.

OP ... my tips would include not having anything made of wool as it gets wrecked in the industrial washing machines.Comfy clothes in soft fabrics,easy to put on are best -M&S do some good ones not too costly. Speak to the care assistants who will advise you about clothes eg sizes for different types of garments,something I'd never thought of.
I ended up sewing Cash's name tapes into all her clothes as everything else peeled off or faded quickly.
I also made a booklet about her with photos about her life and interests, and the staff said how helpful it had been. She was very badly affected by a series of strokes so was unrecognisable from the person she had been.

A lot of the tips / advice here is really good. My mum had aromatherapy hand massages and loved them too.
Make her room 'homely' and personal as much as you and she can. I put up some fairy lights for Christmas and they never came down-they were a comfort, I think.

It's not great emotionally, I know, but a good home will always make you feel welcome at any time of day and will do their very best to look after your mum both physically and emotionally.

SunshineAngel · 20/09/2019 23:44

My great auntie was confused towards the end of her life (due to an infection rather than dementia, but same symptoms) and we just went with whatever she said. If she didn't know who we were, we talked about whatever she could talk about.

She kept worrying that she hadn't locked the back door, so I continuously said I would check (I went into the bathroom, stayed for a second, then came back), and sometimes she would say "oh I forgot there's no door in there is there" and she would laugh. But most of the time, thinking I'd checked made her calm down.

It's difficult, but just go with the flow and try not to get frustrated (because goodness knows it is sometimes).

jackparlabane · 21/09/2019 09:16

We have a white board and pens, which rellie is sometimes using and sometimes hurling in frustration. Not enough coordination for a tablet or decent handwriting, so lack of coordination for speech is a bummer.

Head massage is going down well at least. When I gave birth, one perk was I got DP to massage my head for hours on end. Rellie says it's the only perk of being an inmate...

Abraid2 · 21/09/2019 11:49

We found bringing our dog in really cheered up my dad and other people would be interested in her too.

MotherofTerriers · 21/09/2019 11:55

I found lots of short visits easier than one long one. Time it so you can leave as she goes for lunch, tea etc. Find a local tea shop where you can take her for a little trip out. Label photos. Take little treats in - my mum liked to have a bowl of apples, and some crisps and biscuits. I had a board for her wall with criss cross ribbon to tuck photos, postcards etc behind without needing drawing pins. Label clothes and don't send anything that needs delicate washing.

WillLokireturn · 22/09/2019 04:12

Super tips already 🥰 Visit regularly if you can, try to make the odd visit in office hours so you can meet manager. Introduce yourself. Skype them or email.them if you are further afield and listen to the advice on here. Make your mum/dad known and talk to them. Personalise their room. Give them lists of mum/dad's likes and dislikes and history of who they are. They will try to gauge that but it's easier if you do so. But the best tip ever is to visit and be available on mobile for times if need, and in regular contact.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/09/2019 08:27

Depending on capacity ... Dad likes to talk, so not much time for listening. I often leave him with a letter when I go, giving all the family news. He does read them, as he refers to them later.

Remember you're their one defence against a hostile world, so make sure they know you're on their side. Disagreeing with them won't change their mind, so find ways always to agree.

loveyouradvice · 25/09/2019 22:32

Oh wow.... what wonderful wonderful advice on so many levels... and I hadn't even thought of reflexology which is something she used to love treating herself to!

And yes to babies - who can resist one? And what a lovey hijack of a Mumsnet thread. I have a small dog who they are encouraging me to bring in once Mums settled a bit as so many of the residents like dogs.

OP posts:
loveyouradvice · 25/09/2019 22:33

I just want to say THANK YOU a million times over ... this thread made me feel quite tearful....

OP posts:
theoriginalmadambee · 25/09/2019 23:48

@loveyouradvice
One final piece of advice. Take care of yourself, having old and frail relatives is far from easy. The better you feel, the more you will be in a position to help.

NewspaperTaxis · 30/09/2019 12:39

Some good things here. Name tags you'll have done already, but you can get some nice Copperplated fonts from the school outfitters to make it seem more individual. Don't bother so much with nice woollen clothes because I'm not sure you should have them there - they just get put in the wash first time round even if not soiled and then shrink. If you do have wool garments there, name them and hide them away in the room, taking them out for a nippy day out, only making sure to take them off your parent and re-hide them when you leave. Care homes are not cold.

Label things like the lovely counterpain - they can go missing in the first week, in fact any thieves around and they hit in the first week it seems.

Get a spy camera for the room, but don't install it. You can go to spycameracctv.com as I did. Get a pinhole one with night vision. Bad things tend to happen at night.
Figure out how the spy camera works at home, have a bit of fun with it. You need a micro card and a computer to download the app. Their customer helpline is excellent.

Why get one only to not install it? Well, if you have suspicions here's the thing: you needed that spy camera yesterday. It's later than you think and like another person's receding hairline, if you've just noticed it chances are it's been going on for longer than you know. You simply do not have time to research spy cameras on Amazon, and they are never it seems sold in any shops at all. You don't have time to read the poor reviews and order it in and then try to figure out how it works. This can take all of two weeks by which time it may well be too late.

It is also surprisingly hard to hide a pinhole spy camera. In a box of tissues? Not really, it can get moved by the cleaner, or dislodged. In a box of matches? No - because why do you need matches in a care home? You need to place it in an immovable object in which you can make a small hole. Not easy. A spy camera clock is all very well but if they know the type, it can be recognised, plus many parents obv will not be reading a clock if they have extreme dementia.

So get one but don't install it yet. Why? Because in doing so you cross a line - you admit you don't trust the staff. It's stressful. You then feel obliged to check the footage every day or so. For what may be years. it wears you down. There's every chance the staff will find it and think ill of you, when it may all be unnecessary. The longer you have it installed, the more likely this may happen. Some may cover the lens when they are with your parent. That happened to us.

I'll point out however that spy cameras do not really recall neglect in the form of dehyration. You can't exactly record nothing happening.

If the camera is found, you will be seen as a potential whistleblower. The care home managers won't like it, and may call in Social Services to quiz you on it - that happened at my parent's last care home in the Royal Borough of Kingston. If you did not know to get LPA in Health and Welfare they may spin you the line that you need their permission to install the camera - probably rubbish but Social Services do as they please.

And that's the other crucial bit of advice already given on this thread. Get LPA in Health and Welfare while you can, if you still can. Without it, you will not even be allowed to see your parent's medical notes, but any Tom, Dick and Mieka at the care home can see them. They can also use the notes to bitch about you at leisure to 'tip off' other staff about you, it's a sort of sewing circle thing where they can get their revenge - you sort of dimly become aware that something is up, but only find out when your parent has died. Because the State makes a big thing of keeping your parent's medical file from you while they are alive. They didn't know to get LPA so screw them, the thinking goes.

helpfulperson · 02/10/2019 21:48

Some great advice here.

Be prepared to be flexible about what is best for your relative which may be different from what common sense or instinct would tell you. For example - generally the advice is to give people a change of scene, take them out for coffee or a run in the car etc but leaving the safe and secure surroundings of the care home that he recognised used to freak my Dad out.

JaceLancs · 02/10/2019 22:42

Sort out LPOA
Label everything
Make signs and laminate ( I did X prefers to be called Y and needs to have his glasses on and heating aids in)
Photos and favourite objects
DF has a variety of soft blankets
I asked permission to hang pictures of favourite places on wall
Photo books easy to do online
We did DF favourite things, DF favourite places, DF favourite people etc
Document with staff what they like eg DF prefers tea 2 sugars, loves fruit, etc

JaceLancs · 02/10/2019 22:44

Hearing not heating! DF does not have dementia but is mainly non verbal and limited cognition since stroke

KitchenDancefloor · 02/10/2019 23:16

Yes, yes to the PP who mentioned being kind to yourself. The move to the care home can evoke so many emotions.

For me I felt grateful, relived, guilty, worried, calm, nostalgic, regretful ... etc

Find someone that you can offload on after a visit if you need.

Accept that sometimes they won't want to see you for long or at all if they are busy with the life of the home, either actual activities, or with my mum the gossip and intrigue that she dreams up! It can be gutting if you have had a long journey but it's just one small thing in the many shitty effects of dementia.

Another other practical thing that contradicts some earlier PPs is don't worry too much if you can't personalise their room. My mum moves and loses everything so all of her toiletries, scarves, trinkets, etc have to be kept on a high shelf away from her and the other residents. It's not as things would be if she was well and at home, but it's just the way it needs to be at this stage in her life.

Oh and it's nice to come in ready with something to say/do/eat.
My mum often greets me with a quizzical 'what are you doing here?' As she tries to place who I am.
I am ready to say that I'm there to do her nails/bring her chocolate/take her for a walk. She always accepts that and it saves the awkward conversation of explaining that I'm her daughter.

Good luck with it all.

Going into a care home has been absolutely the right thing for my mum and I know she is safe and happy. I'm so grateful for the wonderful staff who make her feel loved.

roisinagusniamh · 29/10/2019 11:34

Great thread , thank you.
My mum has just gone into a Home. She had dementia.
I am very relieved that my siblings have finally agreed to this.
I live abroad and teach so am restricted to term time breaks for visits.
I am still trying to work out whether it's best to have short and frequent visits or to go less often and stay longer.
Any advice please?

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/10/2019 11:46

roisin It depends on so many things. How bad is her dementia? Does she still recognise you? Does she remember what happened yesterday? What do you mean by "long" or "short" visits? Who else is visiting, for how long and how often?

The main purpose of visits, sadly, is to keep an eye on how things are going with the home, and to iron out any difficulties. She may enjoy the visits, but as time goes on she will be less able to remember the visit or how long ago it was, so a two day gap will feel as long as a two month gap. If she is still "with it" you may find she is fully occupied with the minutiae of every day living - the next meal, or tea and cake, and finds you are "getting in the way" or "stopping her doing what she needs to do" - my father has a long precise routine about preparing his bed for bedtime, and strong views about where exactly all his bits and pieces are to be placed. He complains that he would like to go to the lounge and watch the weather forecast but he just hasn't had time.

landoflostcontent · 29/10/2019 11:57

I agree with so many of these posts, shorter visits, clothes labelled, and I wish we had either had mother's wedding ring altered or kept it safe as it got lost. She didn't seem to notice which was the main thing. Best to be flexible, not everyone experiences the same. We were told to take loads of photos in and we tried to talk to her about them but she really didn't like it and would hide the photos in her room. I think on some level it reminded her that she had forgotten who we were and who she was Sad

helloswellow · 29/10/2019 12:09

Just before my nan moved into the care home we took lots of photographs and videos of her at home, especially with the great grandchildren. We carried on doing it while she was in the care home, up until a few days before she passed away. While it's sad to see her decline, I never have to worry about forgetting her voice or trying to explain to my son who she was.

On a more practical note, get to know your activities co-ordinator! The one at our care home struggled because she had 42 residents and only one or two families who wanted to be involved. She was responsible for reminiscence sessions, religious sessions, beauty sessions like organising haircuts and manicures, trips out, fundraising and more.So maybe a cheat sheet for her of significant events, people who might visit, how she likes her hair, if she likes a brandy before bed, any religious affiliations including where she used to whorsip. If you can, try get involved even if it's just offering to help out on a trip if they offer them. I firmly believe activities are what turn good care into great care.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page