Mum just moved into a care home - top tips from those of you who know?

[loveyouradvice]

Hi

My Mum has just moved into a care home, and is in early stages dementia.

I'd love advice from all of you who have been through this - what do you wish you had done? What was important that you are really glad you did?

Both advice about Mum and making her feel happy there and about working with the care home team would be really appreciated

Labelled family photos or photos of places that matter to her so staff can talk about them with her can be very helpful. Copies not originals which may get lost.

My mum had very short term memory. When we left after a visit she would ask to come with us. So instead of saying goodbye we would pretend we were getting her something from the kitchen.

It would be quite an elaborate charade and it has to be something they can still relate to. I would say , “Shall we have a cup of tea mum? What about some cake what would you like? She always said ‘you choose’. That meant I could leaver her without her realising as she had no idea I had been there the minute I left.

Always go with what they say and don’t contradict them. My mum thought I was her twin sister and she would ask where Mum was.

We were lucky with my Mum’s home. The Manager had his desk in the main room where the residents spent their day. Don’t be afraid to ask the staff anything.

Clearly label all her clothes and photograph them and write a description. Unfortunately even the nicest care homes wash everything together and you're likely to see someone else wearing her favourite jumper.

As well as the photos, buy her toiletries from her favourite perfume range if she has one. Her smelling right will help ease her distress.

I would also make a ring binder with favourite photos etc in with labels. Then you and the staff can turn the pages with her.

A simplified 'This is your Life' basically

Social worker here!
Lots of pictures to put around her room - make it feel more homely and gives a talking point for visitors.
Also a photo album with labelled pictures.
Some care homes allow own duvet covers which works really well but not all will.
Again if they will allow it having some of their own furniture is nice like their favourite chair or what have you.

Oh, and old photographs - really nice to look back on and her longer term memories are likely to be better.

An ‘about me’ - the Alzheimer’s society has one - things like where she grew up, what she did for a living, hobbies and interests - the care home should do this but the more thorough the better as it really helps everyone get to know her - I’ve often used this when people are much further with their dementia as well - for example I have some clients in care homes who are retired nurses who ‘help’ the other nurses/carers, or have other roles in the home - it really helps with care planning.

Get a power of attorney or whatever the English equivalent is so that you can make decisions about her welfare. If it’s not too late to do that with her dementia now.

Be in visiting a lot so the staff know you are likely to be in at any moment.

Watch what they do with the other people. That’s how they treat your mum when you’re not there. Do they spend time feeding them and being patient or are they fed up and angry and rushing about.

I don’t know what the professional body that inspects care homes is, ofsted or something? Check their latest report and see if it’s good and what they have done to address any issues raised.

Make sure they know to contact you about anything and your numbers are up to date.

See what their record of escapees is like. Put an ‘in case of emergency’ card in her handbag so if she does escape thinking she’ll just nip to the shops and gets lost the police can phone you. (It’s only happened once to someone I knew so pretty rare I think).

Yes to photo album, also pictures of places she worked etc. Always nice to bring the book out to chat. We always took a little something with us, sweets, maybe a new pair of socks/slippers. DM always thought I was her younger sister...like previous people have said just go a long with what they say. Photo by her bed of family

Definitely labelled photos as per PP.

Learn the homes daily/weekly routine. Whilst you can visit anytime, there might be better times, i.e. too early and they'll still be busy getting everyone up and dressed. Or she might like the Wednesday morning singing activity and not want to miss that.

Find out who to tell if you're taking her out/bringing her back. And see if the kitchen like advance notice if you don't want a meal.

Most homes serve main meal at lunchtime so if you take her out at lunch make sure she's had a meal not just a sandwich.

Make sure clothing is easy to put on/take off.

Take time to introduce yourself to the carers so they know who you are and will let you know how your Mum has been.

A home I worked at had pictures of the residents when they were young, which was really nice because it reminded everyone they were not ‘just old people’. Also this being 20 years ago they were all of the war generation who had done some amazing things so we all knew their back stories - these were people who had advanced dementia and mostly couldn’t talk any more. So share information about your mum as a person, so they can chat to her about her life and interests.
Talk to the staff as much as possible, I’m sure I don’t need to say, be respectful of them and their experience. I’ve seen residents ‘moved on’ from care homes where the family or resident was very resistant to working with the home - it’s framed as them being unable to new the residents needs, which is true but could sometimes be fixed with willingness and good communication.
From a practical point of view. Label everything, make sure the office has money for her to be booked in to the mobile hairdresser. Get her multiples of things like dressing gowns that at home you might only need one of. Get her a few of her own nice duvet sets for her room. Don’t try and keep hold of everything and fit it into her room. Choose a few of her nice things to make it homely not cluttered.

Laminate everything.Drinks (and worse) can be spilled.

My Dad is happier with a map of where his room is, with toilets, dining room, front door, TV room etc marked. Apparently he carries it with him when he goes walking.

Make sure staff know the more improbable things your elder has done in their life - you don't want everything they say to be taken as nonsense when they may really have abseiled down Malham Cove, advised the Prime Minister, or been trapped in a cave.

Don’t expect the laundry to be done with any finesse - when you are buying her clothes, forget proper woolly jumpers as they will just get shrunk.

My grandmother got a lot out of a simple music machine and a tape of her favourite songs.

Carry a laundry marker with you so you can re-label clothes as the labels fade.

A "dementia clock" is handy - my Dad is much happier knowing what day it is, even though it seems beyond him, even with a calendar, to work out what might be happening that day.

Perhaps make sure she has plenty of toiletries, soap, shower gel, handcream. Depending on her capability does she still have any hobbies that she can continue? Some of my resident's love to read, be it a magazine or a book, would she be interested in crosswords or wordsearches? There are endless hours of sitting around and the carers will be spending all of their time doing the basics. hopefully they will have an activity coordinator. Try and get her to take part in things within the home. Good luck as it will all be so unfamiliar to her.

Nothing to add but this made me tear up a bit. I know Mumsnet gets a bashing but this wonderful & really helpful advice is what make this community so strong. Love the idea of labelling the photographs - wish II'd thought of that when my granny was in a home.

Dont sweat the small stuff. Someone mentioned above seeing your mum in someon else's cardigan. Although this isnt great what really matters is that your mum is wearing an outfit ie clothes that match and look nice together.

Slightly contradictory to the above however is look for signs of them encouraging residents to have agency over their lives and to make decisions about things. So if your mum chooses to wear spotty skirt and strips on top then thats ok. Even though my dad is pretty much non verbal they always ask him about what he wants for dinner.

And lastly, dont visit every day. Thats an unrealistic expectation to place on yourself.

Great thread, thank you all. Any tips for an elder relative in a care home who cannot communicate well but does not have any dementia?

I am thinking of getting my father a white board. He doesn’t have dementia but is in a nursing home. When he doesn’t have his hearing aids in he misses a lot.

Along with photos, music from their youth and if you have the means a weekly, bi-weekly massage, reflexology session something with physical contact.

Physical contact is often rare and is very soothing.

@jackparlabane sorry if this is daft, but what about pointing cards?

All the above also I got my dad a nice new fluffy hoody and took it to the school outfitters to get his name embroidered on the chest. Meant he didn’t loose it if he left it around and everyone new his name and that felt really friendly

@Helenluvsrob what a fantastic idea!

@jackparlabane a white board might work well?
Also A4 laminated pictures of things that aid your conversation.
What is the barrier that makes communication difficult?

A relative lost her wedding ring in the home she lived in. Massive sentimental value to her daughter, but it’s easy about to imagine how it happened. Consider how you’d feel with anything similar.

Sorry to jump on. I have a young baby few months old and I’ve always thought about taking her to see the people at the home near me. I’ve always thought babies bring such joy to the elderly. Is this a ridiculous idea and not ideal or would it be a nice idea? Sorry OP please tell me to remove this If not appropriate just seems the best people to ask x