Feeling overwhelmed

[Lou898]

Just need some advice....my father passed away in January and my mother (81) is not coping well with the loss. I work full time and I have dealt with all the affairs of my dad, financial as well as a lot of the funeral arrangements. I have 2 children to look after although they are older youngest 15. Mum is not well, in quite a lot of pain daily and not sleeping. Mum says she’s lonely but not for other people just for my dad. I go over every Saturday, staying most of the day, do some cleaning, sort letters and post and hospital appointments etc. She was driving but 2 weeks ago I went out with her and felt she was no longer fit to drive, she resisted but then had a little incident (nearly went into a wall) and has now accepted she shouldn’t drive but now feels she has lost her little bit of independence, worries how she’ll get to appointments etc. I haven’t said anything to her but I’m struggling ( currently crying whilst writing this) I’m trying to stay strong for her but I miss my dad too and feel I haven’t had chance to grieve properly myself. I want to be there for my mum but finding it really hard. She natters about little things which I know aren’t helped by lack of sleep and I also think that’s why she finds coping difficult both with life and the pain.
Mum had an exploratory operation planned for today which was to investigate the pain she was in. All transport arrangements made, arrived at 7am at hospital and was sent home as they think she “may”have a UTI and possible swelling of kidney so don’t want to do investigation. We’ve waited months for this and her hopes were pinned on this to try and get to the bottom of it. Pain she’s in is made worse by stress so this hasn’t helped.
She has always been absolutely adamant she will not go in a home (altho she understands I couldn’t look after her at my house) and I don’t think she’s at that stage yet. However tonight she’s said she is finding things hard and wants some respite care...for someone to look after her full time for a short period. My question is where do I start to find something like this.. I’m exhausted with it all.
Sorry for the long post.

firstly, I really hear you. my dad died in October and mum was similar.

in terms of the practicalities, if she can pay for respite care, what does she want - does she want a home or live in? If a home, just ring round your local ones. My experience is that many have no online presence so I had to ask neighbours etc

it sounds like she might be hugely distressed and incorrectly perceiving that she can't cope? Our situation was different because i took redundancy before dad got sick and so was able to spend days a time with mum.

does she want a short term period of someone doing everything for her to help her get back on her feet?

if you are needing the local authority help for that, it will be more complicated, because Adult Social Services will assess her on the basis of needs.

i must try and go back to sleep but will check back later. I get the sense from your post that you are struggling with the utter misery of your mum's pain and that is so hard, I really understand it.

Thank you so much for your reply...so needed someone to just acknowledge and understand how I’m feeling. Just typing it all last night helped a bit too.
I think too much has happened recently and she just feels she can’t cope but I think she’s doing well all things considered. I went over tonight and she says she just thinks she needs someone to help her for a bit till she gets back on her feet. I was looking through discharge papers and they say Urgent note to gp...investigate re depression. Now I wonder if I’m missing something.
I broke down at work today...only one colleague I think knew and talked to me for a bit which helped. This was triggered by something mum said when I phoned. I’d been over at the weekend with my youngest son and she asked if I’d moved any photos in the bedroom my mum and dad shared (she doesn’t sleep in there anymore) I had been in and had seen a photo on my dad’s pillow and some silk flowers and a little teddy but had thought mum had done it. It now appears my youngest had done it and now I feel bad that I’d not realised how much it had affected him but don’t feel like I can emotionally support him too at the moment. Feeling like a bad mum 😢

You are not a bad mum, you are dealing with so much tough stuff right now.

I had to call an ambulance once not long after dad died, because mum has a heart condition and she collapsed. Luckily it was Xmas Eve so they came quickly! They spent lots of time with her and it was considered that it was the strain that caused the collapse. That was with me doing all practical stuff - bar cleaning - mum has a cleaner once a week now because dad did most of it.

So, I can imagine that she feels she needs practical daily help, is it care or is it a home help type situation? Can her friends do any kind of rota, that’s how we managed when I wasn’t there.

Re the depression, the ambulance people made an urgent referral to her GP, who wanted to give her an antidepressant but alas, she didn’t agree. I think it’s a norm now to offer them in bereavement cases like this. I’m already on them and my GP upped the dose.

As for you, are you okay with how much you are doing? I do understand about not having time to grieve, I used to stay for days in a row, come back home - about 90 mins away - and cry for ages. Then I’d have to “reset” to go back within a couple of days.

Another friend who lost her dad in a similar set up to mine, told me very bluntly “if you lose the competent parent, it can be worse than losing them both in an accident or something”. Is that your situation? Mum never even paid bills. So there was a lot of stress apart from the bereavement.

I will be a cliche and say it gets better with time, but it also needed very clear boundaries and honesty with me and mum.

So I’m wondering, can your practical tasks on a Saturday be outsourced? Can a kindly friend or neighbor do things like laundry? That will relieve you a bit.

Has she done anything ordinary? The first day mum agreed to go to the tea shop for a bit of a cake, that was a good start.

Yes I can relate to quite a few things you’ve said.
Mum is 81 and unfortunately many of her friends are of a similar age or already caring for partners or relatives so would be difficult to ask them, although some have helped where they can albeit quite limited.
I always thought mum would cope much better than dad if one went first so I think that has been quite a shock as she appears to be crumbling before my eyes. We’ve decided to go out on Saturday for something to eat and to get her eyes tested so I’ll see how that goes. I encouraged her to go with a neighbour to a local coffee morning 2 weeks ago but she said she hated it as they were all old people 🙄😂 and no one spoke to her other than the lady who went with her. I will try to get her to try again and be more forward in speaking to people herself....not something she has previously lacked. I do get her to do things before I get there on a Saturday...like I’ll say put the washing on so it’ll be ready to hang out/put in dryer when I get there and she does. She appears to keep house reasonably tidy, so as I say she’s doing ok. I did think she was a little vacant tonight at times and struggled to think of what she wanted to say but this could be related to medication or UTI (if she has one). The pain meds she is on are actually a form of antidepressants as they are supposed to help with nerve pain so no sure what gp will do about the referral for depression. Think if the pain was relieved and she could get a good nights sleep she would cope better. She says she just feels so tired all the time.
Sorry for the long post....I really appreciate your response. Thank you

Hallo Lou 898
You are doing really well caring for your kids, working full time and looking after your Mum when you are also grieving for your Dad. Don't be hard on yourself, if you are getting up every day and coping then you're a star.

I'm not certain if you have spoken to her GP yet about the referral for depression? I was surprised how involved and helpful the GP was when my Mum died and I was trying to sort out care for my Dad in his own home. Mum was the competent one, Dad had dementia. So I would say have a talk with her GP about how she is not coping well, they and the practice nurses should at least be able to tell you about the forms of respite available in your area. I also found social services very helpful not just in organising care but also in suggesting social activities and clubs for Dad.

I do know how you feel and how overwhelming it all is. Have you got someone you can really talk to and let off steam with? Would your work give you some compassionate leave? Even a week to take a breath, deal with your Mum and do some self care? Failing that you can always rant here. It has helped me on several occasions.

tbh it sounds like your mum is actually doing quite well in a way, so physically she can do things, but she's been pole-axed by what happened?

the sheer misery and unhappiness of it all is a terrible thing. I actually had to say to mum to try and keep it from me, and get a counsellor if she needed to say it to someone, because I can't hear it, it's too horrendous, and frankly I think it's unfair to take on someone else's pain.

re her meds, is it amitryptaline (sp) that will be at a painkilling dose, it won't be like taking an antidepressant. Certainly I've had times where I've taken that with my regular meds because of a pain problem.

in terms of looking after you, I mostly struggled because what I needed was time alone and I couldn't get it! but eventually, tbh, I lost it a bit with mum and I found that was quite helpful actually because she realised I was about to crack under pressure.

I'm quite impressed your mum went to a coffee morning with strangers. People suggested it to us but neither of us thought it a good idea. What has been helpful has been finding good books and TV for mum - I appreciate that's quite a mission with a fussy person but she's really got some distraction from things she wouldn't even have known were on if I hadn't told her. Seems a bit random, but very true.

Is your mum religious at all? My mum is now reading a lot of stuff about god which seems to help. She's interested in all religions.

Thank you for your reply grace212.
Actually I’ve checked tonight and she’s no longer on Amitriptyline she’s now on Gabapentin which is not used to treat depressed anyway so I got that one wrong.
I know deep down that I should tell mum how I’m feeling but she seems so fragile at the moment I don’t want to upset her. She has mentioned today about getting a gardener and cleaner so maybe that’ll help take the pressure off both of us a bit.
The doctor has phoned and she has an appointment tomorrow and I’ve done her a list of questions as I’m unable to go with her. I said just take it and give it to the doctor. Give permission to call me if they need to.
Mum does go to church...this is where most of her friends originate from. Dad was always a church goer but mum more so in the last 15 years. I’ve encouraged her to keep going, which she was reluctant to at first as it upset her and still does at times cos she associates it with my dad. She’s also now not driving so has to rely on lifts now which she doesn’t really like but doesn’t want to have to get taxis which might not turn up leaving her stressed. It’s all sooooo complicated.
I know things will hopefully get better and I’m feeling a bit better today....clearly ha£ a bit of a melt down day over last couple of days.

It’s helped being able to vent on here and getting responses to 8 thank you all for that x

Don't have time to post much now, but am dealing with similar!
Depending on where you are, Age UK are well worth a look. Some areas offer a reasonably priced home help service. Can help with shopping, cleaning, gardening etc.
Care homes are very expensive and unless you can't live independently may not be the best solution.
Look into sheltered accommodation if Mum is still fairly able.
It's really hard work and overwhelming to suddenly be caring) supporting a parent and trying to grieve for a list one.

Hi op, so sorry you're going through this. It is so very difficult. I'm loosely in a sort of similar situation in that my father in law died very suddenly last year. He looked after my mother in law - she had a stroke years ago that made her a little unpredictable...

My in-laws had modest savings so we currently have a live in carer. It is eye watering my expensive and rivals a nursing homes fees.

Sounds like your mum is doing pretty well and can be left to her own devices on the whole. If so perhaps consider a home help type of thing. You'll be looking at £20-40per hour, but it will help the pressure. If your mum has more than £23k savings I wouldn't bother contacting social services as in my experience (I won't go into it here they've been as much use as a chocolate teapot). Alternatively perhaps get a cleaner in or look into a companion?

Silver line is a great but often overlooked charity for lonely elderly people.

Above all don't forget yourself. Best wishes

Lou, I ended up losing it at my mum and telling her how I felt that way - though tbh it might have been good because she might not have heard what I was saying if I had said it calmly.

you are obviously at an earlier stage in this than I am, and I think a lot of stuff, mum didn't really hear at the beginning because of the shock.

so don't be afraid to say how you feel, but be aware you might have to repeat yourself.

good that she is looking at a cleaner and gardener.

£20-40 per hour for a home help?! I seem to be in the wrong job.

£20-£40 is a bit steep. Age UK in Shropshire were charging £15 per hour.
Home care in West Yorkshire cost us just under £16 per hour. Cleaner £12 per hour.

@Beamur agreed but I was referring to what we've had to pay.

testing I thought you paid for a live-in carer rather than a home help?

OP I just thought, re your mum's comment that the people at the social event were old....I know my mum likes it when my friends drop round occasionally (with me). She just prefers talking to younger people. So if anyone can do that from your circle, it might help.

I know what a strain it is though, constantly trying to figure out what will help in this situation so I would understand if you don't feel like doing more of it.

@Grace212 I said we currently have live in care. we started with carers going in 4x per day for circa 9 months - arranged by social services but funded by my in-laws. Like I said, I've only referenced what we've experienced. I know how much was paid as I hold power of attorney and had to liaise with social services in the end and arrange for the invoices to be paid. Because it was arranged by social services we paid a "reduced" rate of £23.50ph (laughable), the paperwork received from the care company confirmed we would have paid almost double that had we not been under social services umbrella so to speak. I'm pleased other areas are much cheaper, but sadly that hasn't been our experience.

After my father in law died suddenly it became very obvious that would not be sufficient.

testing so the general care rate is that much?

sorry to harp on but I am so confused. We are in London and that still seems really high.

OP I hope you are feeling less overwhelmed

@Grace212 unfortunately it is pretty representative of the area of Hampshire my Mother in law is. I did look around independently and was quoted similar near her. I agree it's steep though and I'm in London too. I think the difficulty is when going through a company there is always a big uplift for their profit. Problem is unless you know people you don't really have any other option than going through a company.

Op www.homecare.co.uk was quite helpful - it has lots of companies / agencies with reviews. Also you can usually also verify people via the cqc website. Don't take social services advice as gospel - of the two live in care companies they recommended to me both had terrible government ratings on the cqc website.

I’m thankful for all the replies and advice. I’m feeling less emotional having vented and received acceptance and found that this appears to be quite a normal reaction ....ie I’m not overreacting. So thank you for making me feel “normal” and not a failure.

I felt exactly the same OP, I thought I’d failed. I had a couple of friends warn me that some people would act as though I hadn’t been bereaved and expect me only to look after mum, that definitely happened with her friends.

I also thought “how can I love my mum and find looking after her such a problem”. I also had to deal with the chaos of paper mountains dad left and the fact that mum had never even paid a bill herself. I said on here that I felt I’d been lumbered with the child I never wanted to have.

He died in October. Things are much better now, I think I hit crisis around March or April? Now I look back, I see it was a lot to cope with but at the time I thought I’d failed somehow. Now I’ve admitted to friends that dealing with my mother is actually much harder than losing my dad. I can now say that without guilt!

That said, I realise you might well be hit harder than I was. Dad was ill for ages so there was a lot of anticipatory grief. Also my worst bereavements were friends in their 20s, so in a bizarre way, as my best mate said, I was quite well prepared!

I really hope that things get better for you, I’ll keep the thread in watch

Thanks @Grace212 you’ve been a big help. The timings are very similar for when I have hit this point to when you hit yours. Like you say the mountain of paperwork even though my dad was quite organised was hard enough without everything else. I’m slowly plodding through it. Mum just leaves all letters for me so that’s constant too. Feeling more positive though but I’ve started to dread the weekend which is not how I should be feeling.

I actually find it good to have tasks to do at mum's. in the beginning, we did used to watch films and stuff but I realised later on, she was just in complete shock and doing whatever I suggested.

now I find having tasks to do saves a lot of potentially depressing conversation. I try and get her out in the garden as much as possible as she likes telling me about plants - I don't have a garden so happy to work on hers as it's a nice activity for me.

maybe you can find some tasks like that?

anything she takes an interest in, I nod along and take an interest. I have a passionate hatred of supermarkets and some days she would struggle to go alone, but I just go because it helps her.

obviously you will know what your boundaries are.

Some suggestions

Apply for a bus pass for your DM & get timetable & number for local taxi company if she is not driving

Possibly sell the car, use money for taxis
SORN the car
Get money back for tax & insurance

Get a local cleaner/handy man who is recommended by local friends. Someone who will have a chat while they are there each time they go

Private carers are expensive, ring round for prices, per half or full hour

Respite, why not book your DM into a local hotel full board. No worry about cooking

You could get the post redirected to you via Royal Mail, there is a one off charge

Some pharmacies offer free delivery of regular medicine. Fill out form at pharmacy, order over phone

If she has a spare room, she could get a younger lodger to stay in the house. Obviously you would need to get the lodger.
Or a foreign student

If she is lonely, does she have a pet

I'm going to add that it is relatively early days & your DM & yourself will take time to adjust

Your DM us fortunate to have family to provide support, especially if you live fairly locally

I would encourage your DM to continue with church & if possible some other social clubs, perhaps clubs that serve meals

Good luck

Sorry this is so hard.

My Mum's cleaner has turned out to be a life line for her. She has a young Romanian cleaner, they chat all the time. My mum still cooks every day from scratch but can't open jars/cut veg so she saves all that up and the cleaner does it.

Equally cleaner's husband has done random odd jobs around the house of the sort she would normally have just got my dad to do.

Church is another great support - they usually have very organised lift systems for older people as well, plus church lunches. There may be things she didn't go to with your dad as well.