Feeling overwhelmed

[Lou898]

Just need some advice....my father passed away in January and my mother (81) is not coping well with the loss. I work full time and I have dealt with all the affairs of my dad, financial as well as a lot of the funeral arrangements. I have 2 children to look after although they are older youngest 15. Mum is not well, in quite a lot of pain daily and not sleeping. Mum says she’s lonely but not for other people just for my dad. I go over every Saturday, staying most of the day, do some cleaning, sort letters and post and hospital appointments etc. She was driving but 2 weeks ago I went out with her and felt she was no longer fit to drive, she resisted but then had a little incident (nearly went into a wall) and has now accepted she shouldn’t drive but now feels she has lost her little bit of independence, worries how she’ll get to appointments etc. I haven’t said anything to her but I’m struggling ( currently crying whilst writing this) I’m trying to stay strong for her but I miss my dad too and feel I haven’t had chance to grieve properly myself. I want to be there for my mum but finding it really hard. She natters about little things which I know aren’t helped by lack of sleep and I also think that’s why she finds coping difficult both with life and the pain.
Mum had an exploratory operation planned for today which was to investigate the pain she was in. All transport arrangements made, arrived at 7am at hospital and was sent home as they think she “may”have a UTI and possible swelling of kidney so don’t want to do investigation. We’ve waited months for this and her hopes were pinned on this to try and get to the bottom of it. Pain she’s in is made worse by stress so this hasn’t helped.
She has always been absolutely adamant she will not go in a home (altho she understands I couldn’t look after her at my house) and I don’t think she’s at that stage yet. However tonight she’s said she is finding things hard and wants some respite care...for someone to look after her full time for a short period. My question is where do I start to find something like this.. I’m exhausted with it all.
Sorry for the long post.

OP hope your weekend has been okay.

Anna how often does your DM cleaner come? My mum has a cleaner once a week.

I think she comes more often than once a week. My DM basically does her cooking and anything that falls on the floor, stays on the floor until the cleaner arrives so she doesn't have to try to bend and clean it up.

She has a whole community around her now that seem to know each other via elderly clients - a handyman who more or less just does jobs for elderly people, a mobile hairdresser, the Readibus and the people she knows from the Readibus. She also knits and that is a great way to meet people too. And then if she is missing for a day, all those people ask after her and so on.

One thing my DM has had to learn, is that you do have to put up with things not being exactly how you would like them. She wants to socialise, she wants to have friends - so she ignores the fact that every older person she meets wants to talk about their illnesses/tell her Brexit is wonderful/moan about the NHS when she has strongly opposite opinions. She focusses on the good and what they have in common - OP your DM may well have to do the same when going to coffee mornings, it's like being back at school again I think!

Anna every older person she meets wants to talk about their illnesses/tell her Brexit is wonderful/moan about the NHS when she has strongly opposite opinions

she should have been mates with my late dad - he complained about this too! Frankly it's good he's been spared the problems of old age and was still zipping about energetically before falling ill.

One reason I haven't encouraged mum to go out and meet new people is I think it's quite a horrible exercise to go through at any age.

I think it would be nice if mum had her cleaner in more than once a week but there's no need really. She's 80 and can still pick things up from the floor no trouble, which is good of course!

Went over Sat and took her to get her eyes tested as she’d been complaining she couldn’t see to read. She needs new glasses so hopefully one thing resolved. I did unfortunately have a disagreement with her as a result of the visit as she admitted to him she’d been out in the car again and had had a near miss. He said she had good vision and she tried to say afterwards that she had no reason not to drive as doctor had said she was fit too. I tried to reason with her that just because she can see and is physically ok does not mean she is fit to drive. She said that with her illness and losing my dad ...if she couldn’t drive it’d be the end of the world as she’d be housebound. She tried to make out that those who can’t drive that she knows are able to walk at least ( she struggles to walk more than probably 250 yards). I said she could try getting a bus but she wasn’t keen. I said we’d both get on a bus next Saturday and go somewhere - . haven’t been on a bus for about 10 years myself lol.
She is currently stating all sorts of ridiculous things like I can’t sit on a bus ( her condition means sitting is uncomfortable) but she can sit in a car?? but I’ll bite my tongue so as not to fall out.
I get that not driving feels like a loss but it isn’t the end of the world.

Older drivers self certify every few years
If she is fit enough to drive, it must be a case that she has lost a little bit of confidence when driving now
There are people of 100 who are still driving
She probably doesn't want to loose her indepependance

There are almost no people of 100 still with licences. This came out when the Duke of Edinburgh had his crash.

I bet your DM hasn't told the doctor about her near misses.

She may well not have a medical condition that means she can't drive - the DVLA produces a list - but given her problems driving + age + medication she might want to reflect on her safety driving and how she would feel if she were responsible for an accident (the phrase the DVLA gave me in these circumstances)

I get that not driving feels like a loss but it isn’t the end of the world. Unless you're in London, it can be the end of your world as you know it. I live on the edge of big city; I can get the bus into the city centre reasonably easily, but that's it. If you can't walk a mile reasonably briskly, and are relying on buses all the way, the changes may mean either that you have to allow 2-3hrs each way, or, worst case, that you cannot go at all. Not arguing a case for driving when unsafe, but please don't underestimate the effect.

Someone up-thread said don't bother with social services - despite my father being self-funding, I've found them quite useful, both in providing information and in sorting things out (eg providing carers) at a time when I had my hands full with other things.

It might also be worth downloading the Attendance Allowance form and seeing if she'd be eligible for that. It's not means tested, and it provides a little bit of money, so that your mum might feel able to accept help to make her life easier, rather than only help that she absolutely needs (an elder's view of what they need tends to be a lot narrower than what their family think they need).

Lou,

did you mean that there was a second incident of her having a near miss or was she telling the optician about the one you saw?

my mum had a tiny bump reversing out of a car park space, about 3 months after dad died. I went into a complete flap and said she should stop driving, she said I was being unfair due to her age. I realised afterwards she was probably right.

what kind of area does she have to get to? Are cabs feasible?

Im sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. Sending hugs.