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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dm cant entertain self

37 replies

bellalou1234 · 01/06/2019 10:40

Hello,
I dont know how to stop this. My dm is 71 very active, likes to go out, socialise holidays ect. However i am her main source of these activities which i find draining. This week i have four days of work as i work long shift hours, she phoned on my first day of stating we need to go abroad, when i said no i have a partner and other commitments, she says i have no life in.
Shell ring up on my days off and say where are we going today, then if we dont do anything im boring, other people go places ect...
Im so annoyed all i want to do today is have a day in potterting around and shes guilted me into spending the day with her.
I know i need to be firm but its so hard and i so guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellalou1234 · 01/06/2019 10:41

No life in me, that mean to say

OP posts:
frustratedashell · 01/06/2019 10:43

Does she not have any friends or go to clubs etc? You need to be firm I'm afraid. Boundaries! Good luck !

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 01/06/2019 10:44

Thank you for replying.yes she has loads of friends but none who are really close, ill try again with clubs ect.

OP posts:
MrHaroldFry · 01/06/2019 10:47

Nope! She is healthy and active and you have a job and work long shifts.
You need to set boundaries and not feel the 'FOG -Fear Obligation Guilt' that comes from some relationships.
It's difficult, the guilt can be overwhelming but you need to stand firm and break this cycle She will be annoyed, and may shout little at you, but, you have to hold firm.
I say all this from a similar situation.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/06/2019 10:17

She's at a good age for making new friends - there are lots of people in their 60s and 70s looking for people to do activities with. No need to feel you're abandoning her to loneliness.

thesandwich · 02/06/2019 21:10

Boundaries, boundaries. Decide what you want to do and stick to it.
She is young enough to make friends. FOG as others have said.

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 03/06/2019 09:34

Has anyone got any ideas for where she can meet new friends or clubs. There doesnt seem to be much around here. Shes so bitter and negative. I really need to break this cycle of every day off well do something.

OP posts:
Heratnumber7 · 03/06/2019 09:38

WI, Trefoil or Townswomen's' Guild would all be good places to start.

Or my DM met loads of new friends via U3A when my DF died. U3A offers something for just about everything. It's a fantastic organisation.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/06/2019 09:41

Is there a university of third age (U3A) near you? They meet in our community centre where I live. They run different events for all different interests.

We also have a community transport bus which organises various trips every month.

Does she have any interests/hobbies? There are usually gardening/walking/photography clubs around. The WI?

meercat23 · 03/06/2019 09:44

I strongly second the suggestions for U3A. Lots of people who are on their own, looking to be involved in new activities and interests. Everyone is really friendly and there are so many different interest groups there are bound to be some that she will like whether it is theatre trips, local visits, arts and crafts, walking or even just meeting up somewhere.

BiddyPop · 03/06/2019 09:49

Can you tell her in advance that you have a few hard days of work ahead and have plans of your own for the 2 days after that (boring things - dentist, dr, getting mending sorted, restock cupboards, and maybe a therapy appointment or Physio ) - you just need to catch up on all these, your life and house are suffering because you haven’t got to them recently, and they need to be done. DP is grumpy that things are sliding, and so are you getting depressed at the state of things. But on the 3rd day, you’ve arranged tickets for local plant fair/NT place she likes/visit to place she enjoys or lunch in a favorite restaurant...that you’ll be looking forward to catching up.

And while you are sorry you can’t see her for these few days longer than normal, it HAS to happen, but you are looking forward to hearing the news of her adventures in the meantime. Isn’t there an interesting WI talk or library event or (whatever local thing you think she’d be interested in) on X day that she would enjoy.

Would pre-planning, and having worked out how to say it in advance, be helpful? Just tos tart loosening the ties and making her aware that you also have things you must do? And slowly start to introduce the notion of things you WANT to do but can’t because of her - Bon Jovi concert, trip longer than she can manage or with too many steps, visit a place she has no interest in, play or film that she would hate...and that you are also entitled to enjoy your life.

BiddyPop · 03/06/2019 09:50

That last paragraph is more the slow gentle discussions over time to make her see and help you pull back, not part of the initial “can’t do for a good few days” plan.

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 03/06/2019 10:02

Thanks biddypop. Normally shell offer to tag alone to my jobs, shopping, ect.. shes really fit, not into crafts or libraries, her cup of tea is more sitting in a wine bar, or walking..
Shed love nothing more than i few days away.. anywhere, last month we went to spain, with my dd, she said i wasnt enthusiastic so spoilt it. Shes openly said shes using me as shes no one else to go out with.

As i get my days off together, i am boring as we never go anywhere, and its always 'we', which is annoying as i have my dp.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 03/06/2019 10:06

Would she go on holiday with people she didn’t know? SAGA and other holiday companies that specialise in solo travelling (but not designed for singles to meet up with someone)

Toddlerteaplease · 03/06/2019 10:15

I'm 37 and would love to join U3A. The stuff that my mum and dad do with them is exactly the things I also love doing. But I'm too young! Sad

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 03/06/2019 10:18

Ha ha me too toddlerteaplease!

thegreatcrestednewt · 03/06/2019 10:18

She doesn't sound very nice and I agree with other posters that you need to distance yourself. She may find problems with finding anything to suit her if she's bitter and negative, but that's her look-out.

If she actually said to you 'shes using me as shes no one else to go out with' then I'd be very firm, tell her how much she hurt you, and go very LC until she was kinder. But you are going to need to stand up to her and be firm.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/06/2019 10:19

As she says she is using you OP I would start getting tough with her, and tell her she needs to sort out her own activities etc

Missingstreetlife · 03/06/2019 10:24

Book a time to see her at your convenience, then you say I'll see you whenever it is. Just don't budge. Work out what you want to do and stick to it

Hecateh · 03/06/2019 10:41

If anyone else was doing this it would be rude, disrespectful and selfish. Is it really any different because she is your mum.

You don't have to think of places she could go or anything else as she is quite capable of doing it for herself.

She doesn't want to do it for herself because 'why should she?'. She has plenty to do ... with you and unless until you stop being there for her she has no need to move out of her comfort zone.

You can't change her behaviour, you can only change yours.

RosaWaiting · 03/06/2019 12:06

tbh this doesn't sound like it's anything to do with her being elderly

it sounds like she wants you to be company in the things she enjoys doing and then criticises you for not having the same interests

you need to put your foot down. Think of her as a mate who calls up and whines that she wants you to think of something to do that she enjoys etc etc. She needs to find friends she has things in common with, not bother you all the time.

Whosorrynow · 03/06/2019 12:29

You have made a rod for your own back, you have made yourself her go to person, step back and leave her to organise her own life

Heratnumber7 · 03/06/2019 18:04

The local U3A has a walking club. Like a few of us have said U3A has something for everyone. It isn't just for unfit old fogeys.

BiddyPop · 04/06/2019 11:04

I think you need to get her to understand that you are not responsible for her happiness, and that you have your own responsibilities at home. As well as the right to enjoy activities and outings that you actually WANT to go to, with the people you want to go with (like DP or other friends).

Start to set boundaries around the days that you are available for her, and the days that you are not. Which are not JUST the days that you are at work, but days that you are doing other things as well (and that may include just hanging out at home, reading a book - it is YOUR time to decide how you want to use it).

She is being rude and disrespectful, so call her out on that. She doesn't have a right to your time. She doesn't have a right to use you as she has no one else. You went with her to Spain, but that still wasn't good enough. So what IS good enough? And how does YOUR HAPPINESS come into HER PLANS?

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/06/2019 09:24

Like a few of us have said U3A has something for everyone. And despite the name standing for "University of the 3rd Age", it is not university level, far from it.

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