Parents moving back somewhere I worry is dangerous

[Nonky]

Hello I’m not sure what to do (if anything) so thought I’d ask here as I always get great advice!
I have never really got on with my mum (long story) but have always looked after her and my father and been supportive. Recently Dad nearly died. Again, a long story but he is now on the mend. It is going to be a life long condition he has to live with and my mum has also been ill resulting in her being unable to drive.

Whilst my father was in hospital for 9 weeks she was unable to do a thing. Partly due to living in the middle of nowhere, 2 hours from where me and my sister live. She couldn’t even walk to a shop or postbox it’s so remote. I went on leave for 2 months to do everything for her including visiting my father with her (a four hour round trip from home) in hospital every single day.

I have begged them to reconsider living there. Whilst Dad was ill they said they realised they couldn’t carry on the way they were. I did all my fathers consultant meetings, was officially next of kin and my mum just froze.

Now he is on the mend and will hopefully be able to drive in the next few months they’ve decided now to stay where they are! I’ve tried and tried (and cried and shouted and everything else in between) to get them to see if my father has to have another hospital stay (which is quite likely) she is again in the middle of nowhere.

I put my life and my families live on hold for two months and I’m pleased I did this (even though my mum has shown no gratitude and just says she didn’t ask me to help!) but I cannot do this again.

I’ve explained this and they’ve both just said they will deal with it at the time. I have stressed to them that if they make this decision they are putting both their lives at risk and whoever is left at home will be stuck. They don’t seem to care. On one hand I understand but on the other hand I think they are being very selfish as who is going to help them out when things go wrong again?

Any advice? Reading this back I don’t think there is really. It doesn’t help that I have other elderly relatives phoning me to say they can’t believe how I haven’t moved closer to them (er... jobs, kids, mortgage etc), why I haven’t given up my job to help them more (again mortgage!) and how if it was their daughter they know their daughter would not let them live so dangerously!

Thank you. I just know if it came between leaving my husband to die alone in a hospital or spend £100 on taxis to visit and be with him (if I was very well off like they are) then I know which option i would choose.

They don’t ask for Help. But they leave things until it’s such a mess that my dad nearly died (sorry I can’t go into too much detail as I’ve already said more than I probably should) and then who wouldn’t rush over to help their father out at that point.

This is what I’m worried will happen again. I at least thought if they were nearer (than a 4 hour commute from me) then if it did happen And it was critical once again for a couple of months I wouldn’t have to lose my job/abandon my family for quite the same amount of time through all the Driving.

I don’t think there’s an answer to any of this really. I have backed off but having awful nightmares about phones ringing with awful news (this Is how I found out dad was so bad)

If they say they can cope, it's time to take them at their word. Let them cope.

Be warned: This is a hardball strategy and it won't be easy for you. But you can't carry on like you are and this is the only way things will change. It's not your responsibility to make sure your mother visits your father. Be kind to yourself

I would put it all in a letter - your feelings and concerns - and then leave it at that.

Sometimes seeing things in black and white gives people the kick up the arse they need.

Thank you. I do need to be kinder! Because I have actually ‘neglected’ my husband and kids recently which is not what I ever thought I would do as they are my world.

I’ve written it down, emailed, phoned and spoken face to face and it’s made no difference. I guess they now need to just move on with their lives whilst I move on with mine. I’m tired of feeling like the parent here!

Kinder to myself i mean!!!

Yes. Exactly that.

Example - Relative needs to go to hospital for appointment, will be unable to drive back to house due to treatment. They have the means to pay for taxi. No other friends or relatives to ask for a lift. So the only alternative is for me to drive 100s of miles there and back and stay overnight. I'm happy to do it this time, because it's on my off shift days. The cost of me travelling there and back is several times the cost of a taxi ! I don't want to say no. Nobody lives forever... What would you do ?

Drive there and back cos I’d feel to guilty? 😂

The only other tactic that might be worth trying is if their GP suggested a move/ adaptations they may accept it.
I've seen several friends whose parents have ignored them only to act several months later on the advice of figure of authority "the doctor told me I should x,y,z"