Parents moving back somewhere I worry is dangerous

[Nonky]

Hello I’m not sure what to do (if anything) so thought I’d ask here as I always get great advice!
I have never really got on with my mum (long story) but have always looked after her and my father and been supportive. Recently Dad nearly died. Again, a long story but he is now on the mend. It is going to be a life long condition he has to live with and my mum has also been ill resulting in her being unable to drive.

Whilst my father was in hospital for 9 weeks she was unable to do a thing. Partly due to living in the middle of nowhere, 2 hours from where me and my sister live. She couldn’t even walk to a shop or postbox it’s so remote. I went on leave for 2 months to do everything for her including visiting my father with her (a four hour round trip from home) in hospital every single day.

I have begged them to reconsider living there. Whilst Dad was ill they said they realised they couldn’t carry on the way they were. I did all my fathers consultant meetings, was officially next of kin and my mum just froze.

Now he is on the mend and will hopefully be able to drive in the next few months they’ve decided now to stay where they are! I’ve tried and tried (and cried and shouted and everything else in between) to get them to see if my father has to have another hospital stay (which is quite likely) she is again in the middle of nowhere.

I put my life and my families live on hold for two months and I’m pleased I did this (even though my mum has shown no gratitude and just says she didn’t ask me to help!) but I cannot do this again.

I’ve explained this and they’ve both just said they will deal with it at the time. I have stressed to them that if they make this decision they are putting both their lives at risk and whoever is left at home will be stuck. They don’t seem to care. On one hand I understand but on the other hand I think they are being very selfish as who is going to help them out when things go wrong again?

Any advice? Reading this back I don’t think there is really. It doesn’t help that I have other elderly relatives phoning me to say they can’t believe how I haven’t moved closer to them (er... jobs, kids, mortgage etc), why I haven’t given up my job to help them more (again mortgage!) and how if it was their daughter they know their daughter would not let them live so dangerously!

Good for you, Nonky.

When my parents moved the ground rules of our relationship changed. They absolutely put themselves first. They disregarded all rational argument. All the frailties my DSis and I predicted did come true. But it was their decision to make. Grieving for them began then and there.
Spare yourself a whole lot of pain by just accepting their decision quickly. It's easier all round.
One last piece of advice, somehow before things between you and your parents get strained any further, make sure your sister or you have PoA for them. Mine did not allow us PoA and it went spectacularly badly. I have been doing my mum's annual Guardianship financial submission today and it brings all the rubbish stuff right back.

@Fortysix

I think a lot of people would simply walk away in your situation.

what happens when people don't have PofA and don't have anyone to look after that aspect for them, I wonder.

I would like to live in the middle of nowhere, I do understand that, but I don't have children to burden with the results if I choose to do it.

@Grace212 SW would bring you under their wing and act on your behalf.

For OP the crushing disregard and disrespect from her parents is a cruel blow immediately after she’s shown huge compassion& care by reprioritising her affairs for a lengthy period. My DF in particular never recognised or acknowledged risk. OP’s parents in just a few sentences worth of description sound like they would be on exactly the same page. I think probably 50% of population might share these traits...

Just let them call you when they need you.

Fortysix - your description of how I feel is so just spot on. It is crushing. Thank you for the advice. I do actually have a very busy few months ahead trying to catch up on everything that got shelved before Christmas so I don’t even have to make up being busy!

Ladyandgent - unfortunately that is the problem. I am unable to just jump when they call and they need to know that

Write a few replies down if they ask for stuff and practice saying them.

Dad's in hospital again I need to visit him - 'oh no! Have you got a taxi number?'

there's no food in the house 'oh mum! how are you going to manage?'

PatPhoenix - thanks for the replies and I don’t mean to try and find a negative but the problem I have is if I didn’t pick my mother up and take her to the hospital she just wouldn’t go. Despite being perfectly capable of getting a taxi. It would mean possibly my dad dying alone.

How awful that sounds to you, that is really their choice. If she would rather let your dad die alone than call a taxi then that says enough about her. She doesn't want to make an effort.

It sounds like they are very ungrateful. In this case though it gives you a complete out for future help, if family phone to ask why you aren’t helping you can say that your mum and dad would rather be independent and don’t want your help. If your dad is in hospital you can visit once a week and your mum can visit as she chooses.

Yes you are absolutely right. My dad knows all this and is still choosing to live there. It’s their problem. (Though I still fee guilty but I’m working on that 😂)

As a district nurse I saw many many elderly people who refused to plan for the future and accept their physical and mental decline, and lived in unkempt and dangerous situations, falling about all over the place and in and out of A&E like a revolving door. Everyone is entitled to make choices, even unwise ones, as long as they don't impact on others. Presumably they've "worked and saved hard all their lives", well now is the time to spend it. Taxis, cleaners, carers, gardeners etc etc. And if they choose not to utilise these without guilt (many don't and expect family), then you make your choices too to step back, without guilt. You are not there to be their runaround.
PIL (despite hundreds of thousands in the bank) refuse to consider home adaptations now they are struggling. But I guarantee they will be straight in the phone to DH when one falls down the stairs. Utterly selfish.

Re the not booking a taxi business, can you set them up with an account with a local to them taxi firm, so you can sort the taxi from home for them if necessary?
Also can you look at sorting a regular couple of hours mid-week helper in terms of cleaner, or housekeeper or gardener or odd job person. Could ask for recommendations locally via Facebook, there may be some very good firms around who can provide someone to pop in and doo all the hoovering, clean the loos and help with any day to day tasks.

I do remember when my mum told me that my uncle was in hospital and my aunt was taking two buses each way to visit him every day (mid 70s, chronic illness, not wealthy but decent pensions, own home etc and a long way from struggling; only family in close reach a son with a brain tumour unable to drive). I said 'why on earth doesn't she take a taxi' and my mum reacted as if I'd suggested she take up a bit of light prostitution. I mean, obviously being careful with money is a good thing but there is a time to save and a time to spend.

Ariela - thanks. Yes this is all things I’ve suggested and I’ve found about for them but my mum says no and actually wouldn’t even open the front door to them if I organised it myself. Thanks everyone I think actually this is showing what a deep rooted difficult woman my mother is! I’ve tried to be understanding but her behaviour has always been like this and it got even worse with dad ill. I honestly believe if I hadn’t driven my mum to to hospital (as I say, a 4 hour round trip whereas I could’ve got to the hospital and back just myself in 3) she would have stayed at home and refused to see my dad coming up with every excuse under the sun. It’s that part that’s hurtful now that she seems to have convinced him again (I’ve tried telling him what she was like and he did believe me to start with) that she did it all and they really don’t need my help. I have no other option than to leave them to it. He knows that if he’s left with her unable to drive and she freaks out at calling an ambulance/tells him to stop moaning and put up with the pain (which she did last time until I intervened) that he could die. It’s so upsetting he’s been given a second chance at life and still choosing this way to live

nonky If they're in their 70s, I can understand why they don't want to buy into an elderly lifestyle. I'm nearly 70, DH is over 70. We'd dearly love to live in the middle of nowhere - couldn't do it when we we working or had young children. Now stuck here because we love the house so much, but if our DC start badgering us to downsize.... ;-)

It sounds that financially they're OK, they can afford to take taxis - even a 30min taxi to a hospital would be achievable. Your mother could be just as stuck in a town with postboxes and pavements if she couldn't get to a bus stop. Make sure they can use a contactless card, then the need for cash is less, suggest they get a small safe, then not so much of a worry to keep a stash of cash in the house. If she can't manage chip and pin, could she go back to using a signature for a card? - the facility is still available, although not all shops staff are trained to understand it's acceptable.

You will well understand why we talk about the need for "teflon shoulders". Give yourself inner strength by remembering your arguments - you can't afford to lose business for a second time; you've exhausted the "bank of goodwill" of friends looking after DC, they don't want you to help and are adamant that they can cope by themselves. (Remind your relatives that your parents are of an age where many people are looking after their 90-100 year old parents.)

I think you have had the correct advice so far- leave them to it. Your mum doesn't want you to organize a bank card, or a taxi service, or any of your suggestions. She actively ignores/rejects them. That's up to her. If she's able to use a telephone, she can arrange these things herself.

Next time, if there is a next time, go to the hospital yourself. Your mum will either get a taxi or she won't. You could offer to take her once a week and taxi the rest, if she doesn't that's up to her, it's her husband and it's her choice.

I know it's incredibly hard and I completely get why you feel upset, they are very ungrateful and unwilling to engage in reality- but you can't drag them there and you don't want to risk your own business/mental health/family happiness trying to do so.

I agree with someone who suggested the broken record technique- they need to go somewhere, 'oh, have you got a taxi number?' They may actually find more services if you leave them to it- like sometimes prescriptions can be delivered, shopping can be delivered etc.

Protect your own wellbeing as they are not able to prioritize you.

I've been in a similar situation, so you have my sympathy. You have been kind to help for a long time. I don't understand why some people are reluctant to pay or take taxis. You can get pharmacy to deliver prescriptions this helps. It sounds like they may need to keep some cash at home, if they don't like using cards. Is there a community bus that takes people to shops and hospital ?

Yes but they won’t go on it! Sorry to hear you have had similar problems x

It's very frustrating !

But what incentive do they have to change at present? They play helpless, you rush over, drive 4 hours a day for two weeks and do everything for them. There is no reason for them to change.

Next time, if there is a next time, just decide what you can offer and offer just that. I'd personally offer two trips a week of a 4 hour drive to hospital, and the rest of the time your mum could get the bus/taxi or just not go. Perhaps she wasn't that fussed about daily visiting.

Decide what you can live with and then do that. They will manage just fine once you stop doing everything for them. They can easily be like other people and get online shopping, use the bus, use a taxi or have prescriptions delivered, but they don't need to at present, do they?

Yes they do as nether can drive at the moment. My mum can never and my dad may possibly. We don’t know yet. It was 4 hours a day for two months not two weeks which I think is what has exhausted me. Im following all the advice so far thank you and stepping right back xxxx hopefully they will see what they need to do. I guess I’m just a little hurt that I’ve done so much and we’ve been through so much recently that they still won’t change things to make life easier for ALL of us x

Your spot on. She wasn’t really fussed at all about visiting her critically ill husband and that’s what I’ve found hard.. And that’s where I felt the guilt and stepped up myself and took her with me each time

Step back, let go of the guilt. They have the right to live on their own terms, and you helping every step of the way is not a good thing.
Not for you or them. Accept their wishes without fussing that you’d do it differently if you were them. Stop riding to the rescue.

If my post sounded harsh, I didn't mean it like that. You sound like a truly lovely daughter- but you've given a lot, probably too much and now is the time to step back and let them find their way. They will, or they will require an assessment for help. It is not sustainable for you to do daily care and trips to the hospital.

I don't understand why some people are reluctant to pay or take taxis. Because a) anyone over about 65 is of a generation where, outside London at least, taxis were a luxury. I don't think I'd been in a taxi before I had to take them for work, and I found it really strange the way my teenage children would hop into them after a late night out. And the thought of spending over £100 a week to visit my husband in hospital ...!

I guess I’m just a little hurt that I’ve done so much and we’ve been through so much recently that they still won’t change things to make life easier for ALL of us From their point of view, they'll know how much they've slowed down, and possibly don't realise quite how hard it is for you, And since they're not asking for the help... It's thoughtlessness, not deliberate not caring, try and look at it this way, as it may feel less hurtful.