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Elderly parents
Original poster

sad about my elderly relative

28 replies

Ohshitwhatnext · 18/11/2018 15:02

They are very vulnerable and living a long way from any family so there is little I can do but I've found out today that they are being taken advantage of by a care worker who has been very good at covering their tracks.
A complaint has gone in but I'm so upset, all I want to do is cry at the thought of them being alone and vulnerable and some bastard taking advantage of them.

OP posts:
buttybuttybutthole · 18/11/2018 15:06

That's very sad for your relative.

Can you do something to help them or are you just wanting sympathy?
Sorry if this seems harsh but
I'm saying this because I care for an elderly relative and it grates on me that I do the work and other relatives sit around saying how upset they are in order to get sympathy from their friends.

HoleyCoMoley · 18/11/2018 15:07

How horrible, has it been reported to adult social services safeguarding team and the police. You must be so upset, people can be so cruel and it's terrible when it's someone who is supposed to be caring. I hope this gets sorted out quickly and your relatice receives the care they deserve.Flowers

Original poster
Ohshitwhatnext · 18/11/2018 15:08

Yes. It sounds harsh. I don't know what to do to help. I've put the complaint in and am waiting for a reply but what else can I do?

Forget I asked. I can see why you are pissed off but yes, I had hoped for some sympathy in a fucking hard situation.

OP posts:
butterflywings37 · 18/11/2018 15:11

Are you part of the care providers? If not could you start to see them more often to monitor care if not help out?

Not meaning to sound harsh but why do you want sympathy when it's your relative who has been taken advantage of?

HildegardCrowe · 18/11/2018 15:18

How far away from your relative are you OP?

Original poster
Ohshitwhatnext · 18/11/2018 16:03

3000 miles.
@butterflywings37 wouldn't you feel shit when it was a relative that you cared about immensely?
@holeycomoley yes, it's been reported to both.

OP posts:
butterflywings37 · 18/11/2018 16:08

Oh definitely, I'd feel awful for my
Poor relative but I wouldn't expect sympathy for myself from strangers on the internet.

It's awful that this has happened to your relative, but that is who the sympathy should be for.

Original poster
Ohshitwhatnext · 18/11/2018 16:21

FIne. I'll fuck off then.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 18/11/2018 16:30

Butterfly, remind me why you've bother to post?
And why you are a member of MN whose main ethos is to be a forum to help and support others in a similar situation to yourself?
Or are you extra pissed off at the world today?
You're clearly running low on empathy at the moment.

mineofuselessinformation · 18/11/2018 16:31

Ohshit, that sounds horrible. I think you've done the right thing in complaining - don't be fobbed off.

Windgate · 18/11/2018 16:57

Ohshit it's incredibly difficult when you live a long way from your vulnerable relatives. It's all very well for others to judge but life is what it is and we don't all live near our relatives.
I'm only 40 minutes from my DM but my sibling and I have to use paid carers to supplement the care we give. We both have jobs and families as well.
I'm glad you've reported the carer. Hope your relative is okay.

butterflywings37 · 18/11/2018 17:50

I have lots of empathy for those who need it, but having nursed my own elderly relative through years of ill health and disability resulting from their health. Watching them die slowly in front of me, whilst somehow keeping a job and family going ( barely) because their care and wellbeing was vital to me. Which is why I don't quite understand how someone can come on a site like this saying they want sympathy for themselves not the elderly relative who has been taken advantage of.

Windgate · 18/11/2018 18:45

butterfly like you I have and am going through hell. I can still find empathy for others.

adayatthebeach · 18/11/2018 18:49

OP emotions matter and people she has the right to have them.

Original poster
Ohshitwhatnext · 18/11/2018 20:57

I have lots of empathy for those who need it, but having nursed my own elderly relative through years of ill health and disability resulting from their health. Watching them die slowly in front of me,

You can go through hell like that (such as being begged to euthanize a person) and still need sympathy yourself when dealing with it all.

I suppose you think that people who have a DP or DC who is seriously ill, or who is in prison or has lost their job don't deserve any sympathy because they aren't the person is happening to?

OP posts:
UptownFlunk · 19/11/2018 03:54

@butterflywings37 I have little empathy for people who stealth boast about how selfless they are for caring for a relative on a thread where someone else has posted for support. Deeply unpleasant behaviour.

picklepost · 19/11/2018 04:00

Good grief butterfly, you're not the sympathy police, you don't get to decide who "deserves" to be heard and who doesn't.

Sorry OP for what you're going through and for the very unpleasant comments posted by butterfly.

avamiah · 19/11/2018 04:18

picklepost,
You the hell are you to criticise another person (butterfly ) about what their feelings are and what they want to post .?

avamiah · 19/11/2018 04:19

Who

butterflywings37 · 19/11/2018 07:21

What stealth boast? It was an explanation of my experiences in response to another post as to why I didn't understand why the OP Was asking for sympathy for themselves rather than the relative, as in my situation ( which I outlined) I would never have expected sympathy for myself.

How dare you state that me explaining where my feelings come from my experience with my loved is a boast or unpleasant!

Original poster
Ohshitwhatnext · 19/11/2018 07:25

Not meaning to sound harsh but why do you want sympathy when it's your relative who has been taken advantage of?

Butterfly - the above was your post. It's fine to state where you are coming from but it's not fine to post things like this which are basically accusing the person of not being entitled to sympathy.

My relative, who is a very special person to me, has plenty of sympathy - though they are completely unaware of it - but I was struggling with it and don't have any support.

OP posts:
anniehm · 19/11/2018 08:03

Unfortunately even if you have a good team you need to monitor carers carefully - and with agencies it's even harder with staff turnover. Dgm is now in a nursing home but juggling carers from afar was really hard, also really annoying that I was doing it when two of her dc's live near her (apparently their lives are more important than their dm's). I reported two people for substandard care and using abusive language - it's far too common (they employ anyone who comes through their door, do desperate for staff are they)

MrBirlingsAwfulWife · 19/11/2018 08:10

Ohshitwhatnext I understand completely.
Flowers ignore the self righteous criticism

CartwheelCath · 19/11/2018 08:18

What an awful and difficult situation. I hope you can get the carer issue resolved OP. Makes me so angry that people can take advantage of vulnerable people. Disgusting!!

I don't get where some mumsnetters come from? There isn't a limit on sympathy. It's a shit situation all round. You don't need to limit the sympathy to one area of the problem. Its awful what has happend to the elderly relative and the impact on the OP who is several thousands of miles away obviously feeling fraught and shit about it and limited in what they can do care wise themselves.

picklepost · 19/11/2018 08:19

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