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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum has moved in

35 replies

Endlessguilt07 · 12/10/2018 21:15

I have no one to talk to and I’m afraid if I do I will be judged.

My step father passed away end of 2017. Him and my mother lived across from my DH the kids and I. After his passing it became clear my mother and him had been in severe financial difficulties and the upshot is their house was in major negative equity. My mother due to health issues is unable to work...she is 63 and therefore has had to apply for benefits which does not allow her to keep the house which is now being repossessed. My husband and I were unable to help financially which caused me extreme guilt.
My husband was then offered a job in England we lived in Scotland. As I am an only child and we have no dealings with other relatives I had to ask my mum if she wanted to move with us. She loves her gran kids so said yes. My husband went to his new job early and me, her and the kids lived together in Scotland for four months. It was horrific we clashed and fought and she had said when we came to England she would see about maybe a council house for her.
Needless to say that was 9 months ago and we are living together in England now.
She is very good she makes the dinners, washes the clothes etc she also watches the kids as my husband and I work full time.

What’s the problem I hear you ask....well I hate living with her my husband and I have no privacy, she does not want to make any friends rarely leaves the house and moans about everything constantly.
She moans about what I buy, challenging me about my finances, interfering with the children, moans if I’m on my phone. Wants to talk about things all the time.katie price, the royal family, strictly come dancing the list is endless.
I just want to enjoy me and my families new life without feeling guilty constantly. I also feel sometimes I don’t like her. I feel horrific and can see no way out.
I can’t ask her to move out as she is dependent on me emotionally and financially and it would really hurt her. Sometimes I want to stand and scream

OP posts:
anniehm · 12/10/2018 22:06

It's really hard to share a home - it's hard enough with dp's! I think you need to have a good chat - be honest with her and say you do like having her in your lives and you appreciate everything she does but you need space with your dh, privacy. Suggest that her going to a club or activity of some description one evening a week would be helpful, and also use her presence to allow you to go out in the evening, turn the negative into a positive. If she brings up moving out suggest you look at places together, but there's rush - you need her to get it right. Best of luck

Original poster
Endlessguilt07 · 12/10/2018 22:28

Thank you for responding, going to attempt to chat to her but they become heated quite quickly. I will need to pick my time x

OP posts:
hendricksy · 12/10/2018 22:44

I wouldn't have her with you , I don't intend on having my mum unless in an annexe . Can she go on the housing list ?

Original poster
Endlessguilt07 · 12/10/2018 23:26

I’m scared to ask her she’s still really upset about my step dad plus I would need to fund her furniture etc..

OP posts:
fabulousathome · 12/10/2018 23:59

Could you move house to one with an annex or an insulated garden structure? Maybe to go a cheaper area?

Annandale · 13/10/2018 00:06

There's no way to do this without being brave and talking to her, probably multiple times.

Would your dh join the conversation?

Annandale · 13/10/2018 00:08

Furniture is the least of your worries tbh. You need to be clear about what you want - a plan and a timescale to live separately. She is undoubtedly scared and that makes things harder but the first step is to talk to her.

tinstar · 13/10/2018 00:28

What health issues does she have that she can't work but can cook, wash, child mind etc?

hendricksy · 13/10/2018 07:10

You can get furniture from charities . She is 63 and may live another 40 odd years . Honestly you have to stand up for yourself and work this out .

costacoffeecup · 13/10/2018 07:34

What does your husband make of it?

AJPTaylor · 13/10/2018 07:37

You need to address this step by step and be firm.
Tell her that it is not working and you need explore alternatived. Ignore hysterics.
Find out what she wants. Stay in England? Move back to Scotland?
Find out what benefits and housing she can get and work out a budget.
Start looking for housing for her.
Think about the following.
She is 62 and got herself into this mess without your help. She is 3 years from retirement so should get a state pension then. She can get a forecast now cos it might be worth paying some voluntary contributions if she is a few years short.
Work out how much it will cost you to get her out. Factor in deposit on new place. Discuss it properly with your dh. Including the cost of childcare. You both need to be on the same page.

Original poster
Endlessguilt07 · 13/10/2018 07:39

Thanks guys she has two types of arthritis and has bad flare ups so some days it can be quite hard for her to move etc.. I know it can’t go on as it’s beginning to affect me. I currently live in my room I feel like a teenager I also feel so bad cause she’s so lonely. The thought of having to live like this for maybe another 40 years makes me scared. I just want to enjoy my life and for her to have a fulfilled remaining life but not living with me but close so I can help her

OP posts:
Original poster
Endlessguilt07 · 13/10/2018 07:40

No he doesn’t want to get involved plus when he’s not working he spends most of the time out the house so I can tell it’s affecting him

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 13/10/2018 07:50

Then unfortunately you’ll need to speak to him too. He needs to man up and work with you to find the best solution for his family.

stellabird · 13/10/2018 08:01

If you didn't exist, she'd have to work things out for herself. She isn't all that old - and from the sounds of it she is still in good health so why isn't she working ? I have arthritis too but it doesn't stop me from working . I suspect that she is taking advantage of your kind nature. She got herself into financial strife and now expects you to give her a home for the rest of her life.

You need to bite the bullet and speak very firmly to her about what she sees for herself in the future. And then you need to tell her what you want for yourself. Take her along to apply for a council house, instead of letting her decide what she is going to do - she obviously isn't going to take any responsibility for herself unless you force her to.

It might get uncomfortable for a few days or weeks, but you have to be strong - think of the future and keep your needs in mind. Stop thinking you have to solve all her problems for her - you don't . Good luck !

bellalou1234 · 13/10/2018 08:11

Could she rent privately? I know my mum's friend does and housing benefit pay most of rent.

RandomMess · 13/10/2018 08:19

I think you need to tell her bluntly that it is having a huge impact on your marriage. You need to set her up in a one bed rental and she'll have to claim benefits.

bellinisurge · 13/10/2018 08:20

She is still only young. She is suffering from depression. This is not a normal approach for a still relatively young woman.
I'm about 10 years younger than her and the thought of settling into my dotage in 10 years fills me with horror. And I have MS. My in-laws are just a bit older than your Mum , with all sorts of aches and pains (including arthritis).
I expect to still be working at this age, frankly.
I'm not saying this isn't a bumpy stage nor that there is a magic wand to sort this, particularly when money is tight. However, she is not elderly and she needs to accept that.
All I can suggest is that she is gently encouraged to take up some activities that don't involve childcare and housework. Even if that means you and your family need to adjust in part your childcare arrangements .
I really sympathise. It is ghastly with no one to talk to about this.

FishesThatFly · 13/10/2018 08:27

I can't see her getting accommodation from the council as she isn't in a place that is overcrowded and she hasn't lived in the country or area for very long. Some counties have a minimum that you have to live with in the area for before you can apply.

Do that leaves with private renting. Again that has difficulties as lot's of LL won't take benefits.

Does she claim PIP?

Original poster
Endlessguilt07 · 13/10/2018 08:29

No one else she will talk to I’m her sounding board for everything. I feel she thinks it’s the least I can do for her, I want her to still enjoy her life and atm she’s not

OP posts:
Original poster
Endlessguilt07 · 13/10/2018 08:41

Think she only gets job seekers I think and has to supply a sick line. She’s been waiting about 5 months for pip assessment

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 13/10/2018 08:43

First you need to stop feeling guilty. I think if you did a poll here not many of us would have our mothers live with us. There is a reason we all live separately!! It doesn't work in most cases.
I think getting a house with a granny flat..own kitchen..would be great. Could she start getting involved in a church or some charity work? Remember she needs ye so will have to listen to your suggestions about needing more privacy. You don't need to feel guilty about that as its a basic need. Are you paying her for childcare. Maybe she could live nearby but come every day to work for ye but have some privacy in the evening.
But, believe me, there are very few people here who could say "l would do that no bother"

SuburbanRhonda · 13/10/2018 08:44

OP, it sounds hard.

But you’ve all adopted a fatalistic approach to the situation and until you see this as a situation that needs to change, nothing will.

You are not responsible for your still-young mum. You need to insist your DH supports you. Write down everything you need to say to your mum - including how you will continue to see her after she moves - and apply the same “can-do” spirit that helped you move from Scotland to England. You can do it!

Fairylea · 13/10/2018 09:02

I was in this exact position ten years ago. I mean exact...!

I asked my mum to move out. She didn’t speak to any of us for about 6 months - apart from the occasional phone call crying down the phone telling us we had ruined her life. Hmm I would invite her round for dinner being nice and she would turn up, start crying dramatically and then flounce off. It was so difficult. I literally felt torn in two emotionally and really felt she was having a nervous breakdown but I knew long term things couldn’t go on.

Financially it has been hard. I feel bad she hasn’t got much money and do help her out from time to time - like your mum she hasn’t worked for many, many years due to health issues. As she has got older these have got worse - she is now able to claim attendance allowance at the higher rate which has helped.

I don’t regret asking her to leave. She was destroying my life as a mum and a wife. It was dreadful. We actually have been able to repair our relationship in recent years and now meet once a week and it’s been much better as we have boundaries we didn’t have before.

You are not responsible for your mothers happiness.

tinstar · 13/10/2018 09:13

I'm surprised you posted this in elderly parents. I expected your mum to be in her 80s!

I'm only a few years younger than your dm (working full time with arthritis too) and I wouldn't dream of treating any of my dcs the way she has you. She needs to work out a way to live independently and stop using you as a crutch. "The least you can do for her"? Emotional blackmail - don't give into it!