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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Mum has moved in

35 replies

Endlessguilt07 · 12/10/2018 21:15

I have no one to talk to and I’m afraid if I do I will be judged.

My step father passed away end of 2017. Him and my mother lived across from my DH the kids and I. After his passing it became clear my mother and him had been in severe financial difficulties and the upshot is their house was in major negative equity. My mother due to health issues is unable to work...she is 63 and therefore has had to apply for benefits which does not allow her to keep the house which is now being repossessed. My husband and I were unable to help financially which caused me extreme guilt.
My husband was then offered a job in England we lived in Scotland. As I am an only child and we have no dealings with other relatives I had to ask my mum if she wanted to move with us. She loves her gran kids so said yes. My husband went to his new job early and me, her and the kids lived together in Scotland for four months. It was horrific we clashed and fought and she had said when we came to England she would see about maybe a council house for her.
Needless to say that was 9 months ago and we are living together in England now.
She is very good she makes the dinners, washes the clothes etc she also watches the kids as my husband and I work full time.

What’s the problem I hear you ask....well I hate living with her my husband and I have no privacy, she does not want to make any friends rarely leaves the house and moans about everything constantly.
She moans about what I buy, challenging me about my finances, interfering with the children, moans if I’m on my phone. Wants to talk about things all the time.katie price, the royal family, strictly come dancing the list is endless.
I just want to enjoy me and my families new life without feeling guilty constantly. I also feel sometimes I don’t like her. I feel horrific and can see no way out.
I can’t ask her to move out as she is dependent on me emotionally and financially and it would really hurt her. Sometimes I want to stand and scream

OP posts:

Original poster

Endlessguilt07 · 13/10/2018 12:22

Thank you so much this has helped me put things into perspective. I would never do this to my children. She lives in our house completely free we take no money due to her situation so her having the kids for a little after school is fine. Thanks for everyone’s guidance

OP posts:

roisinagusniamh · 15/11/2018 18:42

How are you getting on now OP?
Have things improved?

Original poster

Endlessguilt07 · 15/11/2018 18:56

Sadly I’m still in the same position and still tearing my hair out

OP posts:

GummyGoddess · 15/11/2018 19:52

Have you come up with the start of a plan? Do you really want to be divorced and living with her in a smaller house?

Original poster

Endlessguilt07 · 15/11/2018 20:08

That is my worst case, I don’t know how to approach the subject without hurting her

OP posts:

GummyGoddess · 15/11/2018 20:31

Ok, well unfortunately you can't do that. It is not possible so you can ignore that idea. You need to approach it in a way that will cause the least amount of hurt as you won't be able to do it painlessly.

I know that sounds harsh but you are doing what I do, you're putting off the task by trying to do the impossible because you know it will be unpleasant.

Does she have any income at all? Is it possible to move somewhere with an annexe/convert a garage/loft conversion/one of those structures in the garden with a bathroom and kitchenette?

She needs to give you privacy and you need to tell her this as she clearly won't just start giving you some now after all this time. She also needs to get out of the house and make some friends as she must be lonely and bored sitting around at home on her own. Do you think she's depressed and could you get her to the GP?

She's just under 3 years older than my DM and mine has got a new boyfriend, is moving house, running her own business and my youngest brother is only 15! 63 is not old.

Original poster

Endlessguilt07 · 15/11/2018 21:10

She has an extremely small income however, I believe she would get assistance with a house/flat. Our home doesnt have any spare room sadly to accommodate external accommodation. She has suffered from depression in and off for as long as I can remember. At this point in her life she is unable to cope and feels sorry for herself and the hand life has dealt her. I on the other hand continue to be angry, resentful and majorly guilty that I can’t cope. I sometimes feel like I hate her which is So harsh of me. She has absolutely no one but me but it’s a big burden to bear

OP posts:

crumble82 · 15/11/2018 21:35

I think you’re in to damage control now. You can keep her living with you and destroy your relationship or you can ask her to move out, offer to help her get in her feet etc, accept that she will be hurt but ultimately it will be better for your relationship.

roisinagusniamh · 15/11/2018 23:54

Have you talked to her about how difficult it is for you ? It can be done gently . But surely, she must realise that the situation is far from ideal for all concerned.
She would be happier if she were less of a burden.

thighofrelief · 17/11/2018 19:30

OP you can make her "homeless at home" which means you write a letter for her to give to the council for housing. With her health conditions, aged 55+, and "homeless" she should have priority housing. There is usually something called local assistance scheme run by councils which provides new white goods. There will probably be a furniture scheme locally for furniture. You can also check for any grants she could apply for on Turn2Us. It sounds like you will have to do the leg work though. Homeless at home does work, i did it with my eldest dc when i couldn't stand living with him any more.

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