my elderly parent

[MrsChristmas123]

My widowed mother is nearly 93 and lives on her own over the road from me. I have always looked out for since my father passed away 5 years ago. In the last 3 years mum started showing signs of dementia and was officially diagnosed in May 2016 and since then she has got steadily worse.
In 2016 my brother retired (he lives 100 miles) and became more involved with running of mum's bungalow and I dealt with the day to day stuff and still does so.

We both have a financial LPA but my brother handles mum's finances.

I live on my own and started running a very successful business in early 2017 which takes up all of my time and pays my bills. I work every evening, most days and often weekends.

I have often spoken to my brother about persuading mum to accept outside and we have spoken to her jointly but the answer is always no. My brother supports that and says that we can't do anything until she collapses.

It has been a very trying 4 years for me as I have been the first port of call if anything goes wrong but now I just don't have the time to help mum.

Things have sort of fallen into a pattern over the years in that since 2016, my brother drives over (emphasising how hard the journey is every time he comes) clears up mum's bungalow, clears 3 months worth of rubbish. He's very good and does all the practical stuff. We go out for meal and then he's gone for another 3 months. During that time mum spends every day and night on her own and sees no one.

Over the years I have had lots of conversations with mum's GP but we are limited because mum refuses help. I have also spoken to social care who did make a visit a few years ago and mum sent them away, she was furious with me.

My brother refuses to do anything that will upset mum and will not go behind her back.

This year I have seen a few things that has made me realise that mum's quality of life is not as good as it should be. She's frail, not eating properly, she has glaucoma, unsteady on her feet and I have seen food stains on her clothes and nightwear. She has asked if she can move in with me but as I sometimes work from home its not viable.

It seems that its down to me to get some sort of outside help. When we had a family meeting a couple of months ago mum was very rude to me so I just walked out. I have made it clear that I cannot help but my brother and mother just can't seem to accept that and phone me to help out.

I spoke to a friend of mine recently who had gone through the same thing with her parent and advised me to contact social care.

Is this the way forward for me?

Welcome to the board MrsChristmas. It's a club that few would want to be a member of, but there are some very supportive and knowledgable people on here who can offer advice and wise words. Have some from me.

Does your brother have any other suggestions as to how this is going to work out given that your mum needs more care, and you are unable to give it?

Hello Notaflyingmonkey
Thank you for making contact with me.
No, my brother does not have any suggestions. I have emailed him several times saying that my business takes up most of my time, that I have no help running my own home and not ask me to help but he just ignores me.
My brother says that its mums choice to live as she does (I have pointed out the stains on her clothes, poor hygiene) and that there is nothing we can do until 'the wheels fall off', meaning she collapses. I have pointed out the rugs in mum's home are dangerous but he just says its what she wants.

I feel very lonely and isolated as I don't have a partner to help me (my brother has) and I have no support. I do worry about mum but, for self-preservation I just can't involved with her care. Although I have been very supportive over the past few years.

My brother will not support anything such as attendence allowance forms because we'd have to put alzheimers on the form he is all for just turning up every few months for a couple of hours and then leaving. The rest of the time mum is left to her own devices.

We have both sat with mum saying we are worried about her but she says she doesn't want anyone coming to her house and my brother just accepts it.

I know it would cause a real rukkus if I did contact social care and (if she even allows them into her property) arranged for an assessment. I would not get my brother support in this and I would be doing it alone.

What would you do?

I'm desperate to help mum out of this hole she's dug herself into and I feel incredibly guilty that I can't help her due to my work commitments.

Have you checked out this thread?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3186530-caring-for-elderly-relatives-pop-in-for-support-a-hand-hold-advice-whatever-you-need

It's a hard one, and many of us have been/are in similar situations. I think that hard as it is, you need to decide where you are drawing a line. If your mum and brother are resisting help with her care, then maybe you need to go along with that for now?

It took my mum to have a stroke before my things came together for our family, as I was seen to be overreacting/interfering before that. In all of this, you also need to look after your own health and wellbeing, and career.

Hi Mrs c. Great advice from nota and do come and join the longer thread- lots of wisdom and gin to be had.
Also, have a look at the FOG website about fear, obligation and guilt.
If she wont access help there is little you can do except research what help is out there for when the inevitable happens. Another tip- my dm responds well to authority.... men in uniform... could you arrange a visit from the fire brigade under the guise of safety chec’ for the elderlies? Might help with the rugs and give her a distraction😂😂.

Would mum agree to speak to her g.p. again or her dementia nurse, people often listen more to h.c.p. than family, she may also benefit from a capacity assessment and a memory test which they can do. Ideally she will agree to one of your having p.o.a, for her health and welfare but she needs mental capacity to do this. It's so difficult if she has capacity and is just refusing help, does she have anything at home like a call alarm, any mobility equipment, it's a great idea about the fire brigade coming to do a home check.

Hello Nota, the sandwich and holey,

Thank you, thank you so much for sparing the time to offer your advice. You have no idea how it helps to talk to someone.

I did go the dementia part of mumsnet and that helped alot, thank you.

Ive also joined the fog website which was so helpful around setting boundaries which I have not done up to now so thank you Sandwich.

That's a great idea about the fire brigade which I'll am happy to try, I will try anything.

This saga with my mum and brother has been going on for years now and I can't break the cycle..it's almost like my brother and mum are singing from the same hymn sheet.

Mum did go to her GP years ago and she was referred to a mental health team where she had an MRI scan and did the mental health test. She was diagnosed with mild dementia in 2016.

Nothing I say or do does not seem to make any difference. My role is basically to step in and help as and when needed. I got so fed up this year (the straw that broke the camel's back) was, when mum's fridge packed up due to (yet another) power cut in her bungalow, it was suggested that I help my brother lug mum's old fridge into the back of his car so he could take it to the dump! I'm nearly 63 and 4 11 tall.

It was at this point that I wrote a long email to my brother saying that i'd had enough and that I would not be answering the phone or the door to mum anymore. Brutal I know. He responded by saying that he would come to see mum and me in a couple of months to broach the subject of mum having help (care).

During that time I spoke to mum's GP and social care. Social care need to hear from mum's GP so I spoke to GP who told me that a diagnosis of alzheimers was enough to trigger social care response. Mum has not been to see her GP since 2016 and dislikes her Dr intensely.

Mum is having no contact with anyone from her medical practice. The only person that mum sees is her eye consultant for her glaucoma which my brother has taken over organising. Mum refuses to go in an ambulance to her appointments we have to arrange a taxi.

When we met mum a month ago my brother broached a form of home help but this was meant with a blank no. It became a bit heated at that point when mum became very rude to me. She seems to have forgotten all that I have done for her in the past (the dementia).

I pointed out that both my brother and me had been good kids and were doing our best to help at which point my brother turned on me too telling me that I wasn't helping.

I was so upset that I walked out and have not been back to mum's house since, that was 6 weeks ago.

In the last couple of weeks I've had a call from my brother asking me to supervise mum's visit to hospital and various calls from mum which I have ignored.

It seems mum's power has gone off and has been like this for 3 days. I think it's been fixed as her lights were working last night. She came to see me last week but couldn't remember why she came and seemed very confused.

It didn't get as far as talking about alarms at our last meeting and I know she'd refuse mobility equipment as that would be acceptance that she is not capable! I cannot see mum accepting any sort of assessment or memory test again. She is extremely suspicious of me and my motives.

It would be so much easier if my brother was on side but he refuses to do anything against mum's wishes. Mum is not a maleable person and refuses anything and everything.

I doubt if mum has capacity as she finds it hard to make decisions and her memory is shot to pieces.

It's difficult now that I have removed myself from the whole thing because I've had enough.

I know this sounds horrible but the reason I am so desperate is because I'm next door and in the line of fire so that if anything goes wrong its me that gets the phone calls, the knock at the back door, the terrible, terrible feelings of guilt, its hell. I just want someone to take the problem out of my face. I have considered moving but I can't afford and it would affect my business so I wouldn't be able to pay my bills.

I live alone there is no-one to help me. Mum even get's neighbours to call round to see if I'm there to help her!

This is an awful situation where mum is refusing help and turns to me when things go wrong because she has always done that. She does not think how it affects me. She is a frightened old lady. Now I'm not answering the phone or the door and I have to watch mum go back to her bungalow where the electrics are not working, she has no hot water, no fresh food...

I have told my brother over and over again how it gets me down but he says there is nothing we can do until there is a crisis and, in the meantime, he's told me not to answer the phone or the door.

It's terrible and I really wish I could move away from it all.

The electrics not working, no hot water, no fresh food, forgetful and being confused, that is a crisis. If she does not have capacity which her g.p. or dementia nurse will test then someone may be able to make decisions around her day to day care if she continues to refuse help. She sounds vulnerable and at risk of self neglect or harm, do you know if she is still under the care of the m.h. team, if so they can offer advice. I would call her g.p. again and say what you've told us, hand it back to them to deal with, it's so hard to see our parents like this and emotionally draining.

As your dm hates her doctor maybe the practice nurse could go and see her, would you feel comfortable arranging that at a time when you could also be there, if am gets angry then just keep quiet, let the nurse do her best to see mum's behaviour.

Hi Holey

Thank you for your help.

I am quite happy to speak to Mum's GP again (although its hard to get a telephone appointment) although I do feel that she has heard the story so many times from me! The Dr has talked about using a District Matron (?) and I have always baulked in the past as I have not wanted to risk mum's wrath.
I can arrange to be at mum's bungalow anytime during the day (just to need to rejig my diary) and more than happy to be with anyone that is prepared to take a 93 year old on..and I'm not joking.

However, I am a bit concerned where I stand legally (again I have to think of my brother's views in this). If mum refuses to let me or the nurse and/or social care can I use the key that I have to gain entry without mum's permission? This would be on the strength around mum's capacity and if I did this what would be the repercussions, if any.

I am resolved to do whatever is necessary, even if mum never forgives me. This can't go on.

I am also going to contact social care tomorrow morning..do you think I should do that or wait to speak to the medical practice?

Your brother does not have welfare p.o.a. he cant tell you what to do. I understand you feeling anxious but she is still your mum and you are acting in her best interests. I would contact adult social services safeguarding team for their advice, I can't see any issue with you going to her property with a nurse, probably a senior nurse in the community, to do a welfare check.having someone else there is support for you too. She's 93, what's the worse she can do, shout, ignore you, tell you off. It is for her benefit, age UK are also a very good resource for help.

Brilliant advice from holey. This is a crisis.please contact social care tomorrow. Good luck.🌺🌺

Hi there Holey, Sandwich and Nota

I just wanted to say a big 'thank you' for taking time out of your valuable Sundays to help me with my mum.

I made contact with social care today and they are going to make this a safeguarding issue - although that was not the expression they used. social care were excellent, they listened to everything I said, called back when promised and have followed through. The only fly in the ointment is that if they deem mum has capacity then there is nothing they can do and, as you know, it's a lifestyle choice. If that is the end result then that's my relationship with my mother probably ruined forever. It's a risk I'll have to take and, at least I've done it in mum's best interests.

I'm now on tenterhooks waiting for the s**t to hit the fan.

Thanks once again and, if you are interested, I keep you updated.

What a great update, hopefully a positive step in the right direction. Safeguarding teams have to take your concerns seriously, at least now the pressure is off and your mum is in the system, if it all kicks off then at least it will be witnessed, documented and if she doesn't have capacity then they will get more involved. If she does have capacity then again at least everyone is aware of the situation. Who is doing the shopping, housework, laundry at the moment. I don't understand your brothers reluctance to apply for attendance allowance just because of a diagnosis, that is what it is for and if she does get help it can go towards the costs. One thing that might help would be a key safe, if anything were to happen or she refuses to let anyone in if there's a problem they can gain access, you could have it on her house or yours, you can buy them easily and often social services will arrange it for you and the keycode can be logged with g.p. the emergency services and social services. I would like to know how you get on so do keep us posted.

Hi Holey

The keysafe is a great idea and I will that into action this week. I'll probably put it on the side of my house as I don't think mum would let me do that, she'd think I'd gone mad.

Oh, the attendance allowances! That has been a saga in itself. Everything with my mum and brother is like walking through treacle. The EU runs faster.

I explored the AA forms and even got a member from mum's GP practice to come and help fill the forms in for me. However, there was an issue with Alzheimer's diagnosis being put on the form and mum having to sign to agree to the forms. As I am on the LPA form it was agreed with this person that I could sign on Mum's behalf. Great, I thought. Mum's in the system and getting some money to help her bungalow maintenance.

I then spoke to my brother (who run's mum's finances) and explained what I intended to do and could I give mum's bank details to this person who was helping me so that it could be paid into mum's account. Can you believe it, my brother would not give mum's bank details unless he'd cleared it with mum first as he did not want to go behind her back. We both knew she would not agree to the payment and would ask questions - he basically frightened me into to telling the person not to go ahead with the forms.

Throughout all of this not only have I had to battle with my mother I have had to cope with my brother intransigence...

Perhaps you can understand my frustration, especially when it's been me that has coped on my own with mum for several years before my brother retired.

Why do people have to be so bloody awkward, everything you try to do is for her benefit.

Mrs c well done on the progress made. Great call re keysafe- a godsend. And make sur3 emergency services have your brothers details. It. An be so hard dealing with family conflict- you have dealt with the safety as far as you can. Choose your battles and live your life. And vent, rant and ask away- some wis3 folk around dealing with s*&£# siblings too!

Just to let you know that a social worker is going to visit mum this Wednesday. I emphasised that we want mum to stay where she is but just to accept some sort of help, care and protection.The social worker was lovely and I think she will do her very best to persuade mum and perhaps make her see sense.

It would be lovely to visit mum when she is clean, well fed, happy, relaxed and content. Perhaps that's too much to ask.

The situation with mum cannot go on and I try not to think about what will happen if the social worker cannot work some magic.

If it continues as it did before with mum turning up on my doorstep wanting bread and milk, help because she's locked herself out, or the electrics are not working, or she's lost her purse...I will seriously consider moving away.

Good luck with the meeting, keep cool and calm but make sure mum and s,w know that you will not be available, as sandwich said ask your brother to be first contact and responder. I once woke up to 11 missed overnight messages to help a relative, no one asked me if I would be a responder.

Hope Wednesday goes well and you and your mum get some support.

Hope it went well today

Hi there Holey

I am a teacher so I was at class today when the social worker was due to visit mum this morning. I got call from her saying that there was an emergency and it has postponed to next monday morning.

I asked the social worker is it better that I be there (I have asked to be anonymous as I live next door) and the social said it was up to me. I teach virtually full time now so it's hard for me to find time, especially on Mondays.

I called the social worker back after my class and I was able to tell her a few more things about mum such as the rugs, that I havn't brought food for mum for 6 weeks, about the power cut....

Anyway, she's going Monday and will keep me posted.

My worse fear is that the social worker won't be able to get mum to listen and the door will be slammed in the SW face! The SW sounded pretty confident that she could herself over the doorstep. She sounded very experienced and could identify the signs of dementia.

Thank you for remembering and I will let you know Holey.