Helping 81 year old Mum living solo to eat more - some dementia and not hungry!

[loveyouradvice]

Hi ... this is my first time of posting on this board.... though I'm a habitue of other parts!

My lovely 81 year old Mum who is fiercely independent is getting rather forgetful, early stages of dementia and has lost 3 stone in just a few months. At last, she is letting us help her have all the regular tests - no major cancer, but does have diverticulitis. More tests to come

Meanwhile the challenge is encouraging her to eat stuff - if I ring at 4pm she will quite happily tell me that she's eaten half a banana and a digestive, has a full fridge and isn't very hungry. She does have problems with vomitting and diarrhoea which I guess is the diverticulitis, though we're not sure how much - each time it happens she exclaims "this is very unlike me"

At the moment one of her three children (including me) is seeing her once or twice a week, when she happily eats a reasonable though small meal. Clearly not enough but a start and for various reasons it's unlikely that between us we can manage more than twice a week - and she would certainly refuse to live with any of us!

Any ideas? I suspect Im not the only person to have this problem!

Interesting idea...I'll investigate. I didn't mention that she is pretty antisocial ... definitely an introvert and scared of people, though seems to be softening with age which is delightful.

She is managing to get to M&S or Sainsbury's to buy ready meals - but then forgets to eat them: we're regularly emptying the fridge of what would have been rather delicious and nutritious food that she has chosen!

One thing that does work a bit is having it by her bed - I think this is one reason why the digestives get eaten! Sadly she is not into nuts but I'm trying to think of other relatively easy to eat and durable foods that could just sit there in a pot... well sit and then hopefully get eaten!

We had a similar issue with my 87 year old father. Having meals on wheels has helped enormously. There is a choice of lunches and deserts (select in advance). Df happily eats the lunches that are put in front of him and has regained much of the weight that he lost.

Oh wow - Meals on wheels - don't you love them! I agree - being put in front of her is key... will find out if there is one near us. I'd forgotten about them - but how? Given my mum and aunt both volunteered for them while I was growing up...

In my ( limited) experience, the ‘forgetting to eat’ situation can deteriorate very quickly.

In view of that, I would tend to recommend looking around now for help with care, or a potential care home, in case you are caught on the hop one day in an unexpected emergency (and you can’t step in with 24 hour care.)

In the meantime I think Wiltshire farm foods offer food delivery services - the food will still have to be put in the oven and cooked though (as you’ve found, sadly it can fall down at that point).

Again from experience, if she is vomiting or similar, check any medications and dosages. Our relative was overdosing in error because she was forgetting which day it was. We didn’t realise, and the doctor didn’t spot it, and kept offering indigestion medicine.

It’s a tough situation OP, much sympathy.

Great tip on checking the meds - I hadn't thought of that ... I'm still on the journey from thinking of her as our very independent mum to someone far more vulnerable....

And thank you re encouraging us to get a move on - it does feelsimportant given how much weight she has lost... I'm searching web now for local carers/organisations ... and thinking of two or three local people I can talk to

JUST WONDERING - whether anyone has developed a good system of elderly parent ticking off or recording when/when they've eaten ... or even just us ringing in and telling us... or internet. She was amazing with email but it was down for a while so not so sure now! She is not yet demented but equally can't really see why it matters!

I found the meals from 'Cook' very good with my late husband...he couldn't eat much due to his cancer and surgery and was quite erratic with when he would eat.

As they were in the freezer...and many could be cooked in either oven or microwave from frozen there was very little wasted and could be ready to eat quite quickly. We also found the children's portion meals quite useful as smaller portions. Have a look on their website...they were efficient and delivery guy very helpful.

What about supplying her with some nice (calorific) drinks. Something like Dunn's River Nourishment which comes in a can (banana, strawberry, vanilla or chocolate).

Worth getting a social services assessment who may be able to point you in the direction of care support- age uk etc. And local meals on wheels or equivalent. A carer at lunchtime might help to make sure she eats. Introducing carers earlier rather op than later is a really good plan.

Can't for a Meals on Wheels for West London... very strange.... Agree introducing a carer soon, even someone just coming in once or twice a day is a good idea... And I think once we have a full diagnosis (still not quite there) we'll be able to plan more clearly.

Find not for!

Hello there... when I was younger I became the main carer for my grandmother in a similar situation.
Food needs to be really tasty and possibly sweeter than she used to like and try to get things that have a lot of calories in a small amount, so full fat yoghurt with honey and chopped nuts, dried apricots/ raisins can be put in a bowl with a fruit bowl in a strategic position where she will likely see it and think time for a snack.
Crackers with ham/tinned mackerel/smoked salmon with cream cheese. Easy to eat in small amounts but nutritionally dense.
With diverticulitis it could be irritated by refined carbohydrates. So avoid white bread, rice etc
Age concern website has suggestions for food ideas I think.
Contact social services older care team for her area they can arrange occupational health to do an assessment of adaptations and aids needed to maintain independence and may provide a carer to come once a day to provide a meal and check she is eating. Good luck there is support out there.

When my grandmother had dementia my mum used to buy her Complan.

Food bring easy to eat can make a big difference. My grandad struggled with "proper" meals but would happily eat scrambled eggs with toast cut up or eaten by hand.

Packaging gets harder to open - even if it's just taking off the lid from a yogurt. Will she eat fruit? If she eats biscuits then try getting the meal replacement ones - bŕevita or similar.

This isn't an answer but it might help a bit. Good luck.

I would definitely recommend getting some Complan shakes in for her.

Try Age Concern / Connects- they may offer meals on wheels types service. Also try the royal voluntary service. Social service referral seems like it's needed too. Agree with pp notes / whiteboard sadly won't help but a small notebook for you & your siblings to use to communicate who has done what & what meals/ shopping has been provided. The GP should be able to prescribe milkshake type drinks that are packed full of goodness to boast her up. Good luck OP.

TBH it sounds like she has reached the need for round the clock care. Can she move in with one of you so that you can be around to give her meals at the right times? Sound like she shouldn't really be on her own. It's a rotten time, I really hope you get round the issues

Huge thanks all - getting some Dunns River and Belvita as a start...and encouraging my dear sibs to be a bit more proactive....

Good friend flagged up like all of you to get going and not meander as could deteriorate rapidly.... at mo, Mum is very content and gently pootling and independent enough to go out occasionally to local M&S or Sainsbury's but usually just spends day in her flat pottering around and watching lots of telly....

I definitely agree with the poster who suggested nourishment and nutriment meal replacement drinks. The are much nicer than the ensure energy drinks that people get prescribed. When I came back from Mexico with dengue fever my mum bought them for me as I had completely lost my appetite and lost a lot of weight.
Also it's good if she has a bottle of water to sip from throughout the day with the fruit bowl.

Dehydration cam make a big difference. If you can get her to drink she may then start to eat more.

What about buying her high cal foods. Also meal replacement milkshakes that you can get from the doctor. They are called Ensure or Fortsips.

Maybe she is intending to have a proper meal but when it comes to tea time she just doesn't feel like eating or she is struggling with the process of making herself something but doesn't want to admit it.

You could try having de shelled boiled eggs, cut up cheese and cut up fruit/veggies, sausage rolls and quiches ready to go and maybe some bars of chocolate.

Does she have to walk to the table with a plate?

It's difficult to know when to step in and when not to. A lot of older people don't want to ask for help and don't want to be a bother.

Other good suggestions above, but Diolyte if she has diarrohea.

Forticreme can be prescribed - it's not cheap however. It's a high vitamin yoghurt.