Help. MiL shoplifting

[Tinlegs]

MiL is fiercely independent, has money, lives alone about 4 hours from us, very mobile, 86 years old.

Her only "weakness" is depression (medicated) and an absolute fear of paper / bureaucracy/ admin tasks. So we do all that. She also gets very worked up about guests (taking days to prepare and making herself ill with worrying) so we have "banned" visitors to the house and help her to organise meeting friends in tea shops, hotels etc.

She knows loads of people and is out most days. She even "cares" for a younger and less mobile neighbour who she has been visiting in hospital about 12 mikes away. She still drives but the bus is free so she uses that mostly.

She had a visit from the police. She has been twice seen on CCTV in a shop in the hospital town stealing - a purse and a scarf. She was too distraught to talk to the police who called adult SS (she has no dealing with them but assume it was to get someone on her side) as she refused to allow us to be called.

She finally told DH today. We have called the police for a chat and await that. We can get her legal help and may phone the shop and pay.

She also searched the house and can't find the items, which is weird.

Is this a sign of something. Age? Two siblings died of dementia at about her age (very late onset) but depression?

We can solve practical stuff but this is going to hugely knock her confidence. We have long term plans to move her near us but she will lose all her clubs and social life so she is not keen until absolutely necessary.

She is distraught. Not sleeping, eating.

Ideas?

Sorry, forgot to say, she is Long since widowed and DH is her only surviving child. We get on pretty well, see her fairly regularly. Our children are her only grandchildren and are mid / late teens.

Hi OP, it could be dementia, but there are other things it could be too. She sounds very anxious and if she's not sleeping that's also going to have an impact on her cognitive function. Will she go to her GP? Maybe you or your dh could go with her?

Also going to bump this thread, as hopefully someone more helpful than me will have some advice.

Also for you and her.

Was it definitely her? Did she give them away as gifts perhaps?

You could arrange to Skype her? Maybe regularly at a certain time every day do she's got something to look forward to. It might cheer her up?

Thanks. Sadly, in addition to her fear of bureaucracy she lives in the 1970s in terms of technology. She won't phone, but will be phoned. No IT at all (not even a cash point card. She cashes a cheque at the bank).

DH phones twice a week at fixed times which she prefers. GP is a good call. Not sure if they will talk to us on the phone but can call them. She likes the GP but it is now a huge practice and she prefers seeing a named one.

Reading it all, she is clearly struggling emotionally. We will get her up to stay for a week or so which usually lets her recover as she likes to "work" when at home. Blooming work ethic means she is constantly doing "jobs" but will relax when here.

What will the police do? We can pay for items / apologise etc. We are in Scotland if that makes a difference, legally.

Gifts is a possibility. One of her "jobs" is clearing out decades of carefully preserved clothes.

It may be a mistake but she drives to this town so we assume they saw her car afterwards. It is unlikely they knew her in the shop (big town) and she doesn't have a card so never buys with one that will leave a trail.

Do people think this is likely to be something she has done before? She is ridiculously moral but we did all get small, expensive items for Christmas this year. Usually we either get very old 2nd hand stuff (often a way of getting rid of stuff) and then cash.

Makes me question everything.

Also, although "moral" I did fall out with her once when she scooped dozens of salt, sugar, ketchup packets into her handbag in a Tesco cafe. This was years ago. Does that indicate a life of crime?

Sounds to me like a trip to the GP is in order. You describe her already having depression and having some very limiting anxiety problems - these could be due to anxiety or early signs of cognitive decline.

This was all before the entirely out of character shoplifting.

For example the struggling with planning - dealing with paperwork, having guests, could be a sign of frontotemporal dementia. This can also cause personality change and lead to behaviours like shoplifting. Memory loss happens much later.

So there are potential medical causes.

Definitely a trip to GP, she needs to see a specialist to rule out neurological causes.

Even something as apparently innocuous as a uti can trigger confusion and heightened anxiety.

My mil has done this and im completely disgusting by it. She first done it when in a wheelchair after being ill and apparently forgot shed sat these expensive boots in her lap. Then she was laughing telling us. I was speachless. Since then she has taken an eyebrow or lip pencil and a moisturiser she told my dh.

Shes 72, plenty of money..defo no dementia she is on anti depressants too She said it was exciting and she got a think out it she isnt ashamed as she told my husband quite happily almost boasting.

Its confusing. We are in scotland too. I reckon she may get a fine and a warning for first offence. Doubt shes been living her whole life doing it though.

I defo think your mil needs to see her gp though about possible dementia just to rule it out.

Today DH is going to phone her and begin trying to get her to the Doctor. Unfortunately, he can't go and see her in the next couple of days - work commitments, long awaited overseas guests plus DD is in the middle of exams (Scottish A Level equivalents). We are going to get her up for a few days next week, if she will come. She has been persuaded to go out for a walk. Her over-riding concern seems to be the loss of her respectability - as if she has "thief" tattooed on her head. He feels (and he knows her best) that slowly starting to do the things she does every week will help her recognise that the world has not come to an end.

We do have concerns about her shopping etc - more to do with her confidence than her light fingers. But we can sort things and DH grew up and went to University where she lives - we have dozens of people who can help her, if needed.

Obviously, in an emergency he will be straight down there.

Hopefully, the GP will be helpful.

Has she admitted to stealing the items? Does she recall doing it at all?

She has no memory of stealing them - keeps a diary though (and has a fairly regular routine) so we can see if she was in the town then - but she goes there fairly regularly. She can't find the items in the house.

But, when interviewed she was convinced they were telling the truth and hysterical (apparently - this happened on Saturday and she only confessed to DH last night) so much so that they went to try and find her neighbour (also elderly) to calm her down.

We have called the police but Police Scotland are a disgrace and left her no number, no details so it is now being tracked for DH via the police call handling place. Hopefully, they will give us some information and we will then get a solicitor involved for the "crime." If the evidence is there we will let the solicitor handle it and offer to pay for the items.

But, short term she needs to be calm again and begin re-entering normal life (sleeping, eating something, going for a walk). The shock has been the worst of it for her. DH was hugely sympathetic on the phone - she has a fear (generational) of men being "stern and unforgiving" but DH is lovely, soft and easygoing, something her anxiety seems to have allowed her to forget. She was very grateful that he was so lovely - who wouldn't be?

Have you spoken to neighbour or adult social care to verify her account of what happened? All seems strange that no contact info was left or followed up.

Neighbour is very elderly and didn't answer the door (or may have been out). She is the one MiL has been visiting in hospital so could well have been in bed / asleep etc. No phone number for her without going through MiL (we only know her first name) and MiL's over-riding concern is for her reputation.

Police mentioned Adult Social Services but no one has actually been round. We have had dealings with them before (MiL's husband who died a few years ago) so they should have contact details for us on file. She refused to allow the Police to call them but we don't know if they did or not. Just that it was mentioned

it is all very muddled as she was hysterical on the phone last night. DH is trying to speak to her this morning so will update.

Thanks so much everyone.

She has agreed to go to the Doctor - which is a big result. Thanks to those who suggested dementia (or similar) and, whatever the reason, her "breakdown" over the weekend is not the sign of someone in the best of health. I suppose also, her behaviour over recent years (seen through fresh eyes on here) is a kind of deterioration.

Op, not to worry you. But are you sure it was definitely the police who came to the house and not someone to scam her and have her go search for the items whilst they looked through her drawers for jewellery or cash etc?

Pretty sure. But we await a call back from Police Scotland and she was certain. But, scammers are everywhere so will check, thanks.

Would also be concerned that the 'police' were not actually police at all.

There was a police car, DH checked today. Even more anxiety from MiL about who saw it outside the house.

How worrying for you all, did the police call you back?

Not yet. But Police Scotland are notoriously terrible. We will chase them today but wanted to give it a few days to allow them time to find the paperwork under the empty pizza boxes and ashtrays.

My mum did this. She was stealing chickens from Tesco. Every week she would put a chicken in a carrier bag and hang it from her arm, do the rest of her shopping, then leave with the chicken without paying for it.

She got caught . It took ages for her to tell us and she was devastated. She had to go to court.

My mum did it because she didn't have much money (no excuse, I know). OP, you said your MIL has money, but IME as a lot of people get older, they get meaner and don't want to spend money. Some have even died from hypothermia because they don't want to spend money on heating even though they can afford it. Could this be the case with your MIL?