Mum will hardly ever phone

[bradshawcrr]

I live away from home [1.45 flight away] in the middle of Nowheresville. My mother will rarely keep in touch. Does not do txt or email [elderly] - fine. But will hardly ever phone. Every excuse under the sun, but basically believes as she is mum I should be the one to always call. No amount of saying that I would love to get a call from her seems to make the smallest impact. Basically her premise is that she is mum, elderly and therefore I should be the one to call her. Heavy subtex/guilt trip is her age - 84, could die [age again], and therefore I should always be one to call her. Does anyone else have this one sided relationship?. She is the same toward my older sister [eldest of us 3 girls] middle sister is golden child. I feel so lonely living away and would love a call, but no, always have to be the one who makes call rather than receives call.

Her age has very little to do with it.

I disagree. As people get older they often lose confidence. They get slower, mentally as well as physically and they are aware that they are not as able as they used to be. His leads to them withdrawing somewhat in order to not come across as needy or a burden. Age is indeed a massive factor.

'I sense an underlying resentment on her part, perhaps that you moved away?'

That's definitely the case with my parents and in laws. Can you relate to this OP?

Wow italiancortado don’t think anyone asked for that response . Think it’s you who needs to grow up

I agree - it was a very rude post, Italian. No need for it

Eh? Sorry what?

I do think people who sit back and make it all about them need to grow up. That's not rude. It's a fact. I am surprised at the amount of people who clearly have no understanding of what's it's like to grow old.

My Nan always used to remind us all that "a telephone is a two way instrument" . However as a former telephonist she had no problems making calls and was a regular on radio phone ins. Some elderly people feel like they are disturbing you by telephoning and sometimes may find using the phone difficult. I would just bite the bullet and give your mum a ring. I would give anything for one more call to my mum who is deceased.

Yes all this is true but some people are selfish and like others to do the running. They are skilled at inducing guilt.

The people who are like that are usually the same throughout their lives - it doesn't start mid-80s.

If someone never calls you then it's very hard not to think they don't care whether they speak to you or not. If you then feel your mum doesn't care whether she speaks to you or not, that is something to be sad about. I've no idea why there's so much hostility on here towards the OP.

It's not 'making it all about you' to want your parent to pick up the phone occasionally, especially if you have asked them to do so. A relationship is supposed to work both ways. The OP is allowed to have needs even if she is an adult, and telling her to 'grow up' was rude and unnecessary

I agree Italiancortado. I volunteer with a group of elderly people. They are so reluctant to be a burden and also increasingly worried about using a phone. To the person who said it has nothing to do with age, I suggest you look at statistics on hearing loss in old age.
Some posters can only see things from their own perspective. Empathy goes a long way with the elderly.

My mum wouldn’t call me because she remembered how busy she was with young children. She loved to chat though, but didn’t want to 'get in the way' or inconvenience me at all. She didn’t much like calling anybody come to think of it, but was always ready to talk when someone rang her. Perhaps your mum is the same..

Rather think the swearing was unnecessary too.! However we are digressing from the OP’s post. It is not unreasonable to want your own mother to call you however old you both are. As said above some people are narcissistic and want to punish you- maybe the fact that the OP has moved away is underlying in this. My advice as I have said before is not to feel guilty- call on a regular basis but no more. Set boundaries and alway tell her if she wants to talk to you
More then she needs to call you.

A relationship is supposed to work both ways.

Indeed. But that doesn't necessarily mean equal in all that we do.

My parents looked after me when I needed them. Now they need me, I'm there. The scales have altered. I liked the bit in the middle where I was an adult and they were fully independent, but now we are leaning heavily to me looking out for them, just as they once did for me.

Sorry but some people are full of self pity and can't see past themselves.

'My parents looked after me when I needed them. '

Well lucky you. Not everyone has that experience with their parents. As a previous poster said, behaviours like this don't usually come out of nowhere in old age. I'm guessing that there is a back story here for OP - she seems very hurt by her mother's lack of initiation of contact. That doesn't sound like a relationship that was merrily rolling along until just now. Telling OP to 'grow up' was hardly useful advice

Oh for god sake. Yes every parent/child relationship is not the same. I get that. But talking generally, and certainly not even to the OP when the 'grow up' comment was made, people who sit back and say they feel unwanted etc rather then pick up the phone do need grow up. Pride is not much use when your mum is dead.

Elderly people absolutely deserve consideration.

I understand why you feel sad about it. My parents phone me every week and I Skype my student son every week. I have never really thought about how much love and care it shows, but I've always thought it important.

She sounds set in her ways with this though and you probably can't change it. Maybe she focuses on what she thinks "should" happen. Maybe she knows you are busier than she is and doesn't want to choose the time. Maybe she likes to talk, but doesn't like the phone (lots of people are like this - so they find it easier to answer a call than to make themself pick up the phone and dial). Maybe it's a power thing.

But whatever, it's not going to change and if you are stubborn about it you will probably come to regret it in years to come.

And don't forget that lots of older people (me included) didn't grow up with a phone in the home, and don't feel the need to be constantly in touch.

Gosh, I think quite a few people are being a bit unnecessary here....

Italian is right - older people get hard of hearing, lose (a lot of) confidence, are unsure about 'best' times to ring, don't want to annoy loved ones, and sometimes don't know what to say - especially if they're immobile or at home most of the time. I've seen this with my father.

A little bit of compassion and understanding is required when the parent no longer acts like a parent but does / can become a bit needy and unsure. She's 84! Come on people....

Well I'm done banging my head against the wall. You don't get it Italian, at all.

OP, I hope it's been useful that some people on here have shown empathy for how you feel