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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum will hardly ever phone

43 replies

bradshawcrr · 21/01/2018 00:21

I live away from home [1.45 flight away] in the middle of Nowheresville. My mother will rarely keep in touch. Does not do txt or email [elderly] - fine. But will hardly ever phone. Every excuse under the sun, but basically believes as she is mum I should be the one to always call. No amount of saying that I would love to get a call from her seems to make the smallest impact. Basically her premise is that she is mum, elderly and therefore I should be the one to call her. Heavy subtex/guilt trip is her age - 84, could die [age again], and therefore I should always be one to call her. Does anyone else have this one sided relationship?. She is the same toward my older sister [eldest of us 3 girls] middle sister is golden child. I feel so lonely living away and would love a call, but no, always have to be the one who makes call rather than receives call.

OP posts:
citybzg · 21/01/2018 00:29

She is 84. Get over yourself and care a bit.

So what if she wants you to be the one to call? Is it too much trouble?

saladdays66 · 21/01/2018 00:36

If she has always thought this way, don’t expect her to change now, unfortunately. People seem to get more selfish and self-absorbed as they get older, sadly.

Don’t blame you for wanting to feel that your mum still wants to talk to you... but if she’s always been like this, don’t expect too much. Does she ring anyone?

citybzg · 21/01/2018 00:44

People seem to get more selfish and self-absorbed as they get older, sadly.

Sometimes they lose confidence and don't want to seem like a bother to anyone.

What they need is to know that this is not the case.

Original poster
bradshawcrr · 21/01/2018 00:50

Posted a reply to saladdaysa66 but cant see it on screen. Sorry, new to this. Joined today!

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 21/01/2018 00:53

Take control and call her.

I used to dread my mother's 'phone calls until I took it upon myself to call her.

Made a huge difference as I was no longer on the defensive.

Original poster
bradshawcrr · 21/01/2018 00:56

ok that one worked so will try again!! :)
Saladdays66. Mum's main contact is middle sister who she visits pretty much every week. I take on board what first two responses said. I really do. Just would love a call!
Citybz - I have said to mum, how does it make you feel when I call you? She said I feel good. My response was yes, and that is how I would feel if you called me. Have told her umpteen times that my life is bog standard, home more often not and it would be great to hear from her NOT a bother, but nothing.
Anyway, have had a vent. Will stop the pity party I was having for myself and call her today. It's a shame though how relationships go because now I when call I feel increasingly that the joy is not there but feels like a duty call instead. Thanks guys.

OP posts:
GrockleBocs · 21/01/2018 00:57

I usually phone my mum because she knows I'm dealing with the children/work/life and she's available to take my call whereas I'm usually running around. It's practical for us.

citybzg · 21/01/2018 00:58

- citybzg I have said to mum, how does it make you feel when I call you? She said I feel good. My response was yes, and that is how I would feel if you called me.

She is 84. Don't make it about you.

Original poster
bradshawcrr · 21/01/2018 00:59

Thanks for response Gingernaut. Glad it is working for you.

OP posts:
Christmascardqueen · 21/01/2018 01:10

My mom 85 doesn’t have a long distance phone plan. Could her reluctance be financial?
Does she have difficulty remembering the numbers and is covering up?

Original poster
bradshawcrr · 21/01/2018 01:18

Hi Christmascardqueen - love your username :) No to both your questions - thankfully. I guess I really have to take to heart what saladdays66 said. That this is mum at 86, she is not going to change now, so I need to get over myself and keep making those calls.
Thank you for your response.

OP posts:
Christmascardqueen · 21/01/2018 01:22

i call every sunday (bar a few occasions; if i'm on holiday, or if I've needed to call mid week).

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 21/01/2018 01:28

My DM is 82. I’ve lived away for over half my life. I could count on one hand the number of times she has called me and when she has, I dread it as it’s usually bad news. As others have said, she has a valid point. Try to make a regular slot at least a couple of times a week and phone her. You can’t change how she feels so why get so upset?

I know it’s hatdx thought Wine

Original poster
bradshawcrr · 21/01/2018 02:00

Thank you so much for your response Everyonetalkaboutpopmusic. The call will happen today! :)

OP posts:
LionsTigersBeers · 21/01/2018 06:28

Hi OP. My Mother (only 65 or so) is exactly the same. Funnily enough I remember her complaining about her own Mother never calling her and she (my Mum) getting angry that she always had to call her Mother Confused

If I don't make the call, we can literally go months without speaking. She's the same with my sisters too. Really bothers me - it feels like she doesn't want to speak to me/hear our news.

boilingstormyseas · 21/01/2018 08:57

You could be describing my mother. I call her regularly (and have always done) but she never, ever calls me (or my siblings) unless it's our birthday. It would have been really nice if she had made some effort. I have put this to her on a number of occasions but she's ignored it and nothing has changed. Makes the relationship rather one-sided and quite frankly sometimes a bit of a duty - which is really sad.

KeepCalm · 21/01/2018 10:09

Just call. Life's too short for that nonsense.

oldguygirl · 29/01/2018 08:10

I don’t even get a call on my birthday. I don’t actually think that age comes into it- relationships should be equal. They are the parent and should WANT to talk to you. Makes you feel rubbish and unwanted

Lottapianos · 29/01/2018 08:16

'They are the parent and should WANT to talk to you. Makes you feel rubbish and unwanted'

I agree. My parents and in laws are the same - never phone or visit us, it's always down to us to keep in contact. It certainly doesn't make for an equal relationship

I understand your frustration OP. I feel the same. Sadly, she's highly unlikely to change at this stage, so I think you need to manage the situation as best you can. Taking control is a good plan

mrsmuddlepies · 29/01/2018 08:43

I think most parents are terrified of being a burden. Just do some research on here and read about the posters who complain about their mothers ringing at in opportune times. I rang my elderly mother every day at the same time. She looked forward to the phone call although, when I was busy, the regularity drove me mad. I never let her know that though. She told everyone that her daughter phoned every day, regular as clock work. It made her feel cared about. It made me feel better about living a distance away.
We only ever talked about the weather etc, but it was contact.

oldguygirl · 29/01/2018 10:32

Do you not think that calling on the same day/time puts pressure and expectation on you and when life becomes busy- like myself I have a young child and a full time job- it ends up with the parent believing you don’t care and you feeling guilty. Don’t set yourself up to fail- if you do set a regular period to call because you have to (note the have to- why should it feel like an obligation) then manage that- change the day time and set boundaries- tell them when you can’t do it. Otherwise it just ends up being a chore.

italiancortado · 29/01/2018 10:44

They are the parent and should WANT to talk to you. Makes you feel rubbish and unwanted'

Yeah, well the parent in question here is 84. Eighty fucking four. I think that's past the point where her DC should be making it all about them and feeling unwanted fgs. It's probable (as has been mentioned many times) that the parent doesn't want to be a burden. Elderly people often stay in the background and be some very lonely as a result of them or wanting to 'bother' people.

Sometimes you need to grow the fuck up and phone your parents.

ggirl · 29/01/2018 11:16

My parents in their 80's live in another country and as they've aged I've noticed they call less and less. We keep in touch as I call and my father at 86 has mastered whatsapp Smile.

My mother's hearing has deteriorated a lot in recent years and she finds it difficult on the phone and when we do talk she doesn't talk for long. She's getting a hearing aid next month so hopefully that may help.

eddiemairswife · 29/01/2018 11:30

I tend not to call my children in case they are at work or driving, but I do text, email, Skype.

user1474652148 · 29/01/2018 11:41

I totally understand why it upsets you op. You have told her you would love for her to call and she doesn’t.

I sense an underlying resentment on her part, perhaps that you moved away? Don’t visit every week like she expected you to? It is rarely about the phone call but more to the point the lack of equality or care you feel in the relationship.

Some of the posts are strange on here. Her age has very little to do with it. She may be 84 but she could call if she wanted to, she chooses not to.

I would call when it is convenient to me