Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Moving an elderly person to a home

48 replies

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 02/01/2018 18:12

Yes, that old chestnut, and a very emotive subject. In brief, DH, only child, has been supporting his parents for the last 4 years, during which time both were diagnosed with dementia. He put in an excellent care package of private carers, home visits by chiropodist, hairdresser, dentist, doctor, psychiatrist etc etc - you name it. Not to mention the time he (and I, and our DCs) put in every week as well. We both work full-time. He has POA.

MIL was recently widowed and the house needs a lot of work, but she won't accept DH's assertion that it's becoming unsafe (eg electrics - some of the sockets no longer work). A home would provide other benefits to her but she's having none of it.

Has anyone else had a parent refuse to move to a home in any circumstances, and how did you persuade them to move?

OP posts:
retirednow · 02/01/2018 19:17

If she has capacity you cant force her to move, if she doesnt have capacity you can speak to gp and adult social services and plan for residential care if you have relevant poa. Would she agree to respite while home improvements are done.

Original poster
ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 02/01/2018 21:42

Hmmm, depends how 'capacity' is assessed. She's very clear that she is never going to a home. Ever. However, she appears unable to accept that her home is unsafe, and the risks (to her) of staying there.

And no, she will never agree to respite care, however temporary, or for any reason whatsoever.

OP posts:
retirednow · 02/01/2018 22:41

Assessing her Capacity to make her own decisions can be done by her gp, preferably in her own home.. They can assess her for understanding the risks at home, are they things that can be repaired quite easily. An electrician can sort out the sockets. Some people seem to think everything at home is ok even if it's donkeys years old. Would she agree to a home assessment, she may be able to get grants for home improvements. My FIL refused to go into care until he had no choice after many many falls , hospital admissions and the carers and us referring him to adult safeguarding. Why does she need to go into a care home.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 03/01/2018 22:18

Is the issue that she won't agree to the work being done to make the house safe? Or are you concerned that it can't be made safe for her even if work is done?

If the latter, would full-time live-in care be an answer? It's probably cheaper than a care home.

BTW - I am not anti-homes at all, my DM has mild/moderate dementia and is in the "mainstream" bit of a care home that has a specialist unit for when the time comes. However she was in full agreement with the move - before she lived there she was 150 miles from me and living on her own and that was becoming unsafe because she couldn't manage a lot of stuff in the house and couldn't get on with carers coming in for a variety of reasons.

On a related note if you haven't got lasting powers of attorney in place I highly recommend you try do so.

Original poster
ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 03/01/2018 22:45

DH has POA, thankfully. MIL is just burying her head in the sand, and accuses DH of 'making it up' that the wiring is unsafe, for example.

The carers are excellent (she thinks so too) but there are many things DH still has to do, eg manage her financial affairs, deal with all her post, organise any tradesmen, get cash for her each week. He's the go-between for the hairdresser, chiropodist, doctor, pharmacist etc - MIL is unable to organise anything herself as she can no longer really use the phone.

She needs help with washing and dressing, but refuses help at night (so she wouldn't accept a live-in carer - she won't go to bed if there's a carer in the house!). She can manage to prepare some food herself but has forgotten to switch the oven off before now. She can do some housework, but it tires her out very quickly, and she doesn't like the carers doing it! At a rough estimate, I reckon DH spends the equivalent of 1 - 1.5 working days every week in total, doing things at her house, shopping, dealing with phone calls, emails etc. It's wearing him down.

She's sociable and likes to chat. DH and I, and the carers, are her only regular visitors, whereas she'd have company in a care home and other people to chat to, which would be good for her. We've noticed that she eats better when we eat with her, so she might eat better in a care home too.

OP posts:
retirednow · 03/01/2018 23:52

Would she consider moving to warden accommodation and keeping the carers on. Care homes are very expensive, do you know why she doesn't want to move into a home. She may want to remain independent and feels Care homes are for old sick people. Is your dh claiming carers allowance, if not he should. Age UK and the WRVS offer befriending services which might take the pressure off and has dh told her it is wearing him down, she needs to know really. It's difficult, best of luck.

GingerbreadMa · 03/01/2018 23:59

Having power of atourney does not mean you can override her. If she has capacity to understand what your asking, and says no understanding what it means. You cannot force her to move.

People are allowed to make bad choices!

abilockhart · 04/01/2018 00:08

Is it not possible to fix the problem, e.g. rewire the house?

DonkeyOil · 04/01/2018 00:46

There are 2 separate POAs - Financial, and Health and Welfare. I think you would need the second to have any say in where she should be cared for if she lacked capacity.

If she's self-financing, it'll be cheaper to get the house fixed and bring in extra care than to pay Care Home fees long term. If she knows her own mind enough to not want to go into a home, you can't override her wishes just because you think it would be better for her. I'm surprised that trusted private carers can't deal with some of the things that you say your husband still has to sort out - deal with all her post, organise any tradesmen, get cash for her each week, go-between for the hairdresser, chiropodist, doctor, pharmacist etc.
Couldn't they take on some of that and just keep you and dh informed?

Unfortunately, in many cases where elderly relatives are reluctant to change their way of life by moving or accepting extra help, it ends up being forced upon them by deterioration in health or other events, such as falls. Does she have any type of emergency alarm in place?

crazycatgal · 04/01/2018 01:00

I agree with a PP that somewhere with a warden and daytime carers would be good for now. It would help her to keep some of her independence whilst being able to make friends and having more care than she does now.

My Grandma lived in a flat like this until her dementia was bad and she was moved into a care home, the care home really wasn't nice.

retirednow · 04/01/2018 13:10

I agree you could ask carers if they can take on extra work which they will obviously need to be paid extra for. The fire brigade offer home safety checks for the elderly. Moving into a home is a massive jump, I would try other options first.

retirednow · 04/01/2018 13:13

If she is sociable would she benefit from local lunch clubs

Chardonnay73 · 04/01/2018 13:17

Watching with interest as I am in exactly the same position, parent with dementia who flatly refuses to have carers or move into more suitable accommodation. I believe this will only change when a crisis situation occurs Sad

retirednow · 04/01/2018 14:46

Chardonnay, too true.

Original poster
ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 04/01/2018 20:10

Thanks for all the responses.
She won't go to lunch clubs - because she doesn't know anyone there! Carers have taken her to a church group that she used to be a regular at, but most weeks she won't go.
DH has told her it's wearing him down - her response is to tell him to just not bother. She really has no understanding of the time he spends on emails, phone calls etc. There's no one else to step in if he stopped doing it all - not that he's going to stop!
Could the house be rewired? Yes, but she doesn't want it done and wouldn't be able to stand the mess and upheaval - that's why it's never been done before (house is 60 years old, PIL moved in 25 years ago).

She does have an emergency alarm, but doesn't really understand 'the system' and how to use it.
She never gives any reasons for not wanting to move anywhere else - she just doesn't want to move and isn't going anywhere.

I think DH is just going to have to suck it up, isn't he?

OP posts:
blueskypink · 04/01/2018 20:37

So difficult op. My mum spent years saying she would NEVER go into a home. She managed to live independently until she was 90. With hindsight she spent the last year of this with dementia. She did get to a point where she agreed she would go into a home for some respite care because we emphasised so much what a huge strain my dsis, her main career, was under.

But before we could take her up on that she had a crisis which resulted in her being admitted to hospital. This led to a really dramatic decline in her dementia and, after a long spell in hospital, we were told she had to go into a home. I expect your MIL will have a fall, hurt herself or become ill and that will trigger a change in circumstances.

Until then there's not much you can do I'm afraid Thanks

GingerbreadMa · 04/01/2018 20:52

I think your DH might be giving her the illusion of coping by doing all the background stuff.
He could stop. Temporarily.

retirednow · 04/01/2018 21:06

What would she do if he did stop helping, would she think to ask someone else to step in or would she not just not bother? The carers might take over some of the things he does.

Original poster
ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 05/01/2018 07:17

bluesky - yes we think a crisis hospital admission is the only route we can see. She's had falls in the past (when she wasn't taking her medication, but that's resolved now) and her mobility is decreasing, so it's a likely scenario. I think we just have to sit it out until there is a crisis.

Gingerbread - absolutely, and I've told him that. I fear it would just mean he'd have more to sort out when he started again! There is literally no-one else to do it. Inevitably when he tries, some mini-crisis happens and he has to react (light bulb blows and blows a fuse, heating stops working, tap won't turn off and needs a plumber - you get the picture). He's been down 2-3 times every day this week just to restart the heating (but the boiler is being replaced this weekend, hallelujah, so that will sort that problem!)

retirednow - there is no one else to step in. Examples are, she can no longer write cheques without help, so she has to use cash. He gets cash for her every week, so she can pay the hairdresser, pay the carers for buying newspapers and other sundries. Carers wouldn't be able to get her cash. We give her small amounts of cash weekly as, when we give her larger amounts, it doesn't last and she can't account for it (it's part of the memory loss, but she gets very angry and defensive when asked - "it's MY money, I'll spend it how I like!"). He also had to keep an eye on the carer's rota, which the company send weekly as there are occasionally gaps when they send it out. That's not something the carers could do. He's had to arrange changes to
her medication, which means contact with her GP and the pharmacist. Again, not something the carers could do.

It's all 'small' things, but it's relentless, and it continues when we are away on holiday - no respite for him.

OP posts:
Rosa · 05/01/2018 07:26

What do SS say have they assesed her done a formal report on her as this could help. I am sorry to say its going to get worse and you maybe be forced into putting her into care unless she has 24hr supervision , it is a horrible disease...you and dh are doing a wonderful job!

annandale · 05/01/2018 07:36

Bloody hell he is doing an incredible job. Terrifying (I have an only ds).

I have aunts who have moved to homes and I have to say it was difficult each time as far as I know. Has your Dh looked at any (more work for him)? Has your MIL's GP assessed her mental capacity to decide where she is going to live? Could she go into respite to have the wiring fixed?

annandale · 05/01/2018 07:37

If the GP or some other authority figure said she needed to move it might go down better.

RestingGrinchFace · 05/01/2018 07:45

Could you not do the work to make the house safe? Perhaps present her with a choice between overnight caters and a nursing home? I don't think it is good to move her out of her own home if she doesn't want it.

CAAKE · 05/01/2018 07:49

We've been through this with both my DGP and a great aunt. I have no advice other than to say that you're correct - a crisis is the only way that someone with that mindset will begin to accept that they can't cope.

It's so selfish! My parents, who are young and very able have already started to sort themselves out so that they will not be this kind of a burden on us. They want us all to enjoy their elderly years, not have these antagonising and resentment-bullring pressures and burdens.

Your DH is doing a wonderful job, but I don't envy him at all Thanks

CAAKE · 05/01/2018 07:50

*building! Not bullring