Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

My Dad died on Monday

28 replies

whataboutbob · 05/01/2017 11:00

Dear all- I wanted to let you know my dad died 3 days ago, in hospital after a short spell of sepsis probably brought on by aspirating food into his lungs. It's been quite a roller coaster, from seeing him on the 23rd where he was his usual self (albeit with Alzheimers) to receiving that phone call, going to the hospital, coming and going between there and home before realising he wouldn't survive. I'm in a kind of truce stage now, death certificate has not been released (I've been warned I'll probably have to chase it) so can't really do anything.
So far, this feels very different from my mum's death, she was so much younger (54) and hadn't been ill, I was devastated. I am sad, but mostly sad that his last 5 years were spent being diminished and tormented by dementia. He was a bright, sociable, adventurous guy (lived in 15 different countries in his lifetime) before it took its hold on him.
Thanks to everyone on this board for your support especially needmoresleep, mirabelle tree in her previous incarnation, CMOT, Sandwich and many more. In due time i think I'll put up a "10 things which were useful in helping me cope and manage with my Dad's dementia" type of post.
All my thoughts to everyone on the difficult journey of being there for our parent with dementia.

OP posts:
wump · 05/01/2017 11:08

Sorry for your loss x

pithivier · 05/01/2017 11:28

So sorry for your loss. Your help and companionship has been invaluable to me on the elderly parents thread. I hope you will find some comfort in knowing that you did all you could for him.💐

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 05/01/2017 11:32

Condolences on your loss Flowers

Auriga · 05/01/2017 11:45

Sorry for your loss. I found that once I had recovered from the ordeal of Mum's final illness and death, I was flooded with vivid memories of her at her best.

It's good to remember the relationship we had before the deafness and memory loss that dominated her last few years. I'm sadder now but also glad. Hope this will happen for you too Flowers

CMOTDibbler · 05/01/2017 11:47

Bob, I'm so sorry to hear this. I didn't realise your dad had lived in so many countries - 15 is a massive total!

I hope your brother is coping OK and that you are looking after yourself xx

ParadiseCity · 05/01/2017 11:50

So sorry to hear this. Dementia is a horrible illness, I'm sure you are exhausted as well as sad, be kind to yourself. Flowers

Original poster
whataboutbob · 05/01/2017 13:06

Thanks everyone. Auriga I am sure that will happen, something like that happened with my grandfather, his horrible illnesses (parkinsons, cancer) receeded and more and more I am remembering him as the erudite, fair, kind person he was. Yes CMOT, Dad was a great traveller, he didn't grow up in the UK so never felt fully satisfied with life here and took every job opportunity abroad he could get. Pithivier, I am so glad my posts have been of some help.

OP posts:
permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 05/01/2017 14:35

Oh Bob, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hope there is someone looking after you.

angemorange · 05/01/2017 14:46

Bob, so sorry to hear about this - I have lurked on your posts and been on one or two as my DM has dementia. You and some of the posters you mentioned certainly helped me through my 'dementia journey'.

I had sepsis myself a few months ago and only pulled through due to my age and relatively good health. For many older people it's something they don't recover from.

Noitsnotteatimeyet · 05/01/2017 16:01

I'm sorry to hear this - you know it's inevitable but it's still a shock when it actually happens x

thesandwich · 05/01/2017 21:08

Oh bob I am so sorry I've only just seen this.
My fil died on New Year's Eve so I have an inking of what you are going through- huge hugs to you.
Your wisdom and advice has been a huge comfort to me over this journey. Fil was an incredible man who lived fully, surviving a major heart attack and going on to build a house and did many things, until broken by a major stroke 7 years ago. Take care, and thinking of you.

Needmoresleep · 05/01/2017 21:40

Bob I am so sorry. Not least I will miss your positive and often funny posts that took the best from the sheer awfulness of dealing with dementia. (Your dad being barred from Pound land, or your frequent contacts with the Transport Police.)

You did everything you could. You should be proud. Now celebrate his life and enjoy being able to live yours.

Dadsaworry · 06/01/2017 15:08

Bob - so sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Be kind to yourself. Flowers

Original poster
whataboutbob · 06/01/2017 18:10

I have just come back from picking up the medical certificate of death.I'll be going back to work next week, but on my day off will register the death and see the funeral director. I'm just doing things one at a time, and so far feel OK about it. I am looking for a church to house his funeral, unfortunately my favourite one in his town is between vicars but the lady warden was very nice and was going to ask a local priest if he could do it.
Again, thanks to all for your kind words.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 06/01/2017 20:18

Oh bob it is so hard. We are getting through stuff but found the funeral director really helpful and they also found a vicar to do the service at the crem so they may be able to help with vicars.
Let others help you.

MirabelleTree · 07/01/2017 18:28

I've only just seen this, I'm so very sorry Flowers. One thing at a time sounds like a good plan and I hope your favourite one can find someone to do it. Please do try and take as best care of yourself as you can in amongst sorting everything.

thesandwich · 08/01/2017 08:07

Thinking of you bob. How are you doing?

shortscotty · 08/01/2017 17:43

Thinking of you xx

Original poster
whataboutbob · 08/01/2017 18:06

Hello everyone and thank you again for your kind concern. Well, i'm not too bad considering. It feels a bit daunting planning a funeral that will do him justice, and going back to work tomorrow but I have to trust it'll all come together. This feels like a milder bereavement than when Mum died age 54, even though it seems somewhat disloyal to say it. That is in great part because mum was well, then died in 36 hours of a brain haemorrhage, whereas Dad was not himself for about 5 years.
Several of my friends have come out and said they'd like to come which is lovely. I want bums on pews! I have to be mindful though that for some of his friends, who are his contemporaries, it could be a bit near the bone so I'll need to be sensitive and not go on about he horrors of ageing/ dementia on the day.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 08/01/2017 19:54

Oh Bob it is so hard. You will do him- and your DM proud. Think about the past and him as he would like to be remembered. And let others help you.

thesandwich · 11/01/2017 20:35

How are you doing bob?

Original poster
whataboutbob · 15/01/2017 15:24

Just an update. I registered the death on Thursday, but not without my brother announcing (with no prior warning) he wanted an inquest because he thought the care home were negligent. The registrar had to stop everything, explained it could take up to 3 months, he called the coroner's office at which point i burst into tears. I knew if i opposed my brother he'd hold it against me, so I just left the room. After about 5 minutes bro decided he didn't want to go through with it after all "because of my hysterics" (more likely because he wasn' t up to coping with the process, I told him I'd have nothing to do with it). I just want to bury Dad. Then yesterday I got a call from bro's case manager saying mental health are concerned about him. It was really quite a balancing act finding the right words, but really I don't want to replace 6 years of managing Dad's illness, affairs, living arrangements etc with more of the same with bro, which I think I managed to convey politely but clearly.
Still no date for funeral but the funeral directors told me they'd chase the priest up so I hope that will get things moving. Apart from that, I am feeling OK!

OP posts:
thesandwich · 15/01/2017 19:05

Oh bob I am sorry to hear about your brother. You can only do so much. Good luck with gettting a date sorted- it helps to have a plan arranged. Take care.

Original poster
whataboutbob · 18/02/2017 14:33

Just back to say we had the funeral last Friday and it went as well as I'd hoped. It was in the church I'd wanted and the priest did a really good service. Dad had very little family In this country but a niece came all the way from the US and his nephew from 3 counties away. There was a good turn out of friends including former colleagues. Also some neighbours. In fact I think he would have loved it, sociable guy that he was. I have a sense of completion now.
Just want to send out my solidarity to everyone on these boards who is still supporting their elderly parent( s). Honestly, it was just about the toughest thing I've had to do. Now that he is no longer here, my memories of him are mostly of the person he was pre dementia. Xx

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 18/02/2017 17:31

I'm so glad that your memories are now of your dad pre dementia, and that he would have liked his funeral. Flowers to you xx