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Feeling So Sad

27 replies

mimmum · 09/05/2010 09:48

To cut a long story short, ds is at a selective academic prep school and until this year I had been extremely happy with it. This year neither ds or myself have been able to get on with or communicate successfully with ds's form tutor or the headmistress. We have also known for a while that ds has problems with concentration, he finds it hard to stay on task and often seems distracted in class, along with some co-ordination difficulties and v weak hands this effects his work. At the beginning of the his new teacher told him that he couldn't use his yuoro pencil which he had always used and despite much talking I couldn't get the teachers to change their mind. Anyway recently we were called in to talk to head who told us not unreasonably that these difficulties were getting in the way of his education. We agreed that we would find an educational psychologist to prepare a report etc. We had school prepare feedback for them which they sent directly to EP. Well we had meeting with EP yesterday and it was very interesting although we haven't had the full report back yet. But EP thought we should see what the school had written about him, most of it was stuff we had discussed with them in the past concentration etc. But some of it was not relevant to his educational needs at at all. He is too thin for his height and age, his arms hang loosely by his side and he looks gormless and his fingernails look dirty and he looks unkempt ( he's an 8 year old boy, lots of them look a little unkempt.) Anyway the EP thought this sounded judgemental and vindictive and I just feel so sad that they felt the need to write such horrible things. I can't imagine what they were thinking really as it only makes them look mean minded. The only silver lining it new form teacher next year and also new headmistress starting,so slightly fresh start. What would you do feel so sad? Also he felt it was very wrong of them to make his change his pencil and will include pencil requirements in his report.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 09/05/2010 09:55

Did the school feel he was neglected in someway then? Is that why they put that in? How horrid.
Look - it sounds like the EP was a highly reasonable individual who has come out 'on your side' as it were. I would be very upset in your place too but everything they've put carried no weight and it's not all that long to the end of term and then you've got your fresh start. I wonder if the current head is one of those awful people who just can't cope with anything or anybody that is slightly different from a standard norm. Ugh. Anyway - they'll be gone soon and you've been happy up till now.

cornsillkwearsclogs · 09/05/2010 10:05

The EP sounds good but the school sound horrendous. Not letting him use his pencil is ridiculous. Did they actually use the term 'gormless.'

tethersend · 09/05/2010 10:09

Hang on... are you paying these people to talk about your son in this way??????

"he looks gormless"

Spiteful, unprofessional and completely uninformative.

Complain. Complain. Complain. Then go to the papers.

I would not let my DC cross the threshold of an establishment where this was deemed to be ok, let alone pay them! Disgusting.

tethersend · 09/05/2010 10:09

Can you invoke the DDA WRT his pencil?

cornsillkwearsclogs · 09/05/2010 10:11

I was thinking that as well tethers. The EP report will be evidence hopefully.

TotalChaos · 09/05/2010 10:13

How rotten. Poor lad. Hopefully new form teacher and new head will have a better attitude. I would be making a contingency plan though as to what to do if things don't improve there.

Needmoresleep · 09/05/2010 10:43

Our son was rake thin at eight. He was also lost on planet boy, with under-developed social skills. Six year later and he is fine. There is no reason to assume that your son is anything other than a normal boy, though if problems are showing up, it is equally right to seek a second opinion from a professional.

I would be tempted to write a careful letter to the new head outlining what has been said to you by the school and by the EP and ask for an early appointment. She will need a chance to get her feet under the desk but she should be briefed on your concerns. Schools are businesses and if you have identified weaknesses it is her job to resolve them. I would also ask to meet the new teacher pretty early in the autumn term with the aim of establishing constructive communication.

tethersend · 09/05/2010 10:51

Just seen this:

"Anyway recently we were called in to talk to head who told us not unreasonably that these difficulties were getting in the way of his education. We agreed that we would find an educational psychologist to prepare a report etc."

Right-

  1. It is the school's job to do everything in their power to make these difficulties surmountable for their students.
  1. YOU had to contact an EP?????? Why on earth didn't the school contact them?

Is this standard practice in the independent sector, or is this school failing in its duties?

LIZS · 09/05/2010 11:09

No it is standard for parents to employ the EP if dc is at independent school, and fund it themselves. Our LA are not the least bit interested although ironically the private EP we saw also works for them in another area. There should still be a Senco with whom you can discuss your ds and can make recomemndations of an EP and laisie with the teaching staff. Ours has been really good in communicating ds' issues and recommndations of EP and OT this year, although some teachers take it more on baord than others. Have to say we had less success when ds was your ds' age and has very similar issues - he's dyspraxic and hypermobile.

mimmum · 09/05/2010 12:37

Thanks so much for your replies, I love mumsnet . I am really torn between complaining now and really making a fuss, contacting SEN govenor which the school has to have as is a statutory requirement, according to EP, or leaving it for the moment and writing to new head and arranging a meeting very early on in new school year with new teacher. The problem is that the current head can be very vindictive and she still has the opportunity to make all our lives difficult also I don't want to spoil EP's credibility IYKWIM, by telling them he thought school's behaviour was unacceptable, even though he did, as I don't want them to think he is just on our side. Still feeling so sad.

OP posts:
RollaCoasta · 09/05/2010 17:22

.....We have also known for a while that ds has problems with concentration, he finds it hard to stay on task and often seems distracted in class, along with some co-ordination difficulties and v weak hands this effects his work......

Why hasn't the school SENCo met with you?

You are being short-changed and your child's needs are being neglected.

Personally I'd ask for my money back and send him to state school where EPs come free, there is always a high-profile SENCo and, even if it takes time and frustration, problems are eventually addressed.

Gormless with dirty fingernails???? That's a bloody insult, not a teacher's objective view of a child's needs. I'd be furious.

lazymumofteenagesons · 09/05/2010 17:34

I agree with all that the schools treatment of your son has been harsh to say the least. However funding your own EP report is how it works in the private sector. I had to do this for DS2 and a private OT assessmnent. But his difficulties were picked up soon after he started in Year 1 and the schools SENco helped all through and was wonderful but we realised he was losing confidence in his abilities in this environment and we had to move him before he was affected too badly. He went to specialist school year 3-5.

I do think they don'e seem to have offered you any help and feel you should look for a more inclusive school. I'm not sure a change of head and form teacher is going to make a quick enough change.

aren't all 8 year old boys unkempt. Mine had no nails as always bitten, school sweatshirt always with wet sleeves from being sucked and usually shoes on wrong feet and not done up.

neversaydie · 09/05/2010 18:48

My son had issues with concentration, and also difficulties with handwriting. He has very uneven devlopment, ahead of his age for reading and speaking, and well behind in writing and spelling.

His first (independant) school was utterly useless - all problems were put down to poor behaviour. We moved him. His second (state) school quantified his problems, but offered little support because being bright he was seen to be coping. After a concentrated (but unsuccessful) attempt to wring more support out of this second school, we bit the bullet and moved him again.

The current (independant) school has been utterly wonderful - he is getting his confidence back, they recommended an EP who has been able to give guidance on how best to teach and support him, and have followed up on all the reccommendations given.

I wish I had known at the start what I know now - that not all schools cope well with these sorts of problems (state or independant) and that a good EP is worth his weight in gold. Not to mention where to find a good EP!

You may find that a new teacher and a new head turn things round, but I would check out the ethos of the school, and it's attitude to kids with quirks. Some schools manage to be both academic and supportive, but many do not. If that is the case, for your sanity and your son's I would look for a school which can meet his needs, and I would do it as soon as possible.

MintHumbug · 09/05/2010 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 11/05/2010 14:38

Unbelievable that a school which is presumably chockful of 8 year old boys makes these comments. Like previous posters, my DS, although now 10 always has scuffed shoes, bitten fingernails, very often looks gormless and half-witted and in need of a hose down but then so often do his friends and he and his friends went through a phase of cheiwn the sleeves of their school jumpers making them look like raggedy Victorian urchins - boys are not girls....

ageing5yearseachyear · 11/05/2010 17:13

use the ed psych to recommend a school that is suitable for him. it would not appear to be this one at all.

it sounds as though, for whatever reason, this is not the school for him. Use it as an exercise to find the right education for him. Then tell the school what/why.

he sounds like any 8 year old boy in a normal cohort- maybe the selective thing is the key? in a mixed ability setting he may be happier and start to feel that he has some ability. it sounds they are knocking him- why cannot he not use a pencil that helps him? makes no sense at all.

cantcarryon · 11/05/2010 18:44

My DD age 10 has chewed big holes in the cuffs of her school jumpers - drives me nuts!

And she is near top of class at v selective independent. No-one has ever suggested she is gormless!

I keep telling her that her teachers will think we don't heed her!

cantcarryon · 11/05/2010 18:45

FEED her that is!

pointydog · 11/05/2010 18:54

re ripped hole s in cuffs - that is some bench fashion statement thing, is it not?

cantcarryon · 11/05/2010 19:05

It seems that way, pointy!

pointydog · 11/05/2010 19:09

this sort of thing, the thumb holes.

cantcarryon · 11/05/2010 19:15

Yes, my DD has one like that - got it from M&S.

A bit of an improvement on the raggy old holes!

mimmum · 11/05/2010 19:56

Thanks so much for your feedback. We got full report from EP today, he turned it round v quickly and he tested above average in all areas and in the 99th percentile for number skills and 93 percentile for reading skills and the 94th percentile for spelling skills. So he has a sound basis for learning. EP thought that he "presents with mild issues with attention, concentration and focus." Mind you we had to pay £500 to be told this. At least it has been reassuring. He has come up with some suggestions for the school I only hope they will take them on board.

OP posts:
cantcarryon · 11/05/2010 23:05

Pretty poor show for the school not to have recognised his abilities. I would be thinking seriously about finding a school with a better attitude to helping the kids in their charge. Especially as you are PAYING for the privilege!

OtterInaSkoda · 13/05/2010 11:54

mimmum, your ds sounds not disimilar to mine. My ds has dyspraxia - have you looked into this? here's a link if not Dyspraxia Foundation

We see a private occupational therapist - although ds goes to a state school the OT provision in our area is dire (nothing to do with the LEA, everything to do with the NHS). It is worth visiting your GP imo, to push for an OT referal. If you cannot get one, find a private OT.

The school's handling of this is (excuse my French) fucking abysmal but I don't know what the procedures are for private schools regarding SEN.