Boarding school

[londongirl1]

Anyone watching this Channel 4 programme about boarding? Beats me how parents can do this to their kids unless there are really difficult circumstaces at home. Seems cruel.

That says it all really.

Hmmm. I seem to be the lone person who went to boarding school young (7) and loved it from day 1. Parents worked abroad, and until then, I had moved schools every 6 months, which was awful - unsettling and lonely. In comparison, at BS, I rapidly built close friendships which endure to this day, and felt confident, happy, and also secure in my parents loved (daily letters, phonecalls whenever you wanted, housemother who really cared about her charges (she came to my wedding).

Would I send my DD to BS? Depends on our family circumstances and on her personality. Would have to be very very good reasons for doing it....

I think the point here is that confident robust children will probably be fine eventually, wherever they go, but children who are slower to mature, perhaps shy, or vulnerable in any way will really suffer from not having the reassurance of mummy and daddy to go home to at the end of each day. I object really strongly to the attitude of those parents who just assume that their children will go to boarding school from a very young age without ever stopping to ask whether it is right for that child. Obviously some people have circumstances that make it a more viable choice, but for others it's just habit.

I'd love to know how many people from upper middle class backgrounds where everyone has boarded since the beginning of time, have actually bucked the trend and refused to sent their child because their gut feeling was that it was the wrong environment for them and they would be unhappy. I bet it's very low. It would be seen as social suicide, cutting off their child's access to elite social networks and catastrophic for their future. A degree of unhappiness seems to be accepted and tolerated by the parents of boarders as an unavoidable occupational hazard that their children must learn to endure in order to benefit from this wonderful opportunity they are being given to never have to meet and fall in love with anyone in a class beneath them. (sorry - far too long that senstence. ) That's what it's really all about.

In reply to Easter Bunny can I just clarify that Forces parents do not generally get a 90% reduction on boarding fees. The Military contribute a certain amount each term and regardless of the fees all families have to pay a minimum of 10%. The majority pay substantially more, although some will only pay 10%. So this is not the main reason we let our children board. My children had 5 schools before they were 8 years old. Had we not boarded them they would now be on 8 or 9 schools now and they haven't left school yet! If we weren't living abroad we wouldn't choose to board our children, but for our family it is the best option.

I think goinggetstough is right. It is not an ideal situation to choose a boarding school, but sometimes it is a necessity and the best choice for forces families, diplomats and business people who are often posted abroad.

Really enjoyed the debate on this thread. My two daughters aged 8 and 10 board,and I am a service wife.All I can say is next time a local boarding school has an open day..why not go and have a look.My children adore being at home,but rather oddly in my experience as I had school phobia, they also adore being at school. I had no intention of boarding my children but my oldest persuaded me to go to an open day when she was 8 and then pleaded to start the next September (having been to several schools already). I agreed to a trial and she said it was amazing.My youngest became so jealous of the tales of fun and activity that she went the following term. It suits us all as we move around alot but it would be no good for a clingy unconfident child

Just watching this show on catch up TV. I'm on the fence with this - agree that the bias towards Forces family doesn't paint a wholly accurate picture. I boarded as a teenager and loved it, and have always imagined that if a kid of mine wanted to board I would send them. (Only if they wanted to.) My brother boarded too, from about 9, and which I think is too young. (I think he'd say the same.) He, like me, really enjoyed it as a teenager. It is so dependent on the child though - I have cousins who both went at 7 - one loved it, one is still (unsurprisingly) extremely screwed up by it.

My boarding coincided with a time of tremendous upheaval for my parents - relocating to another country, etc., and it meant I had stability at a crucial time in my education. I don't think, unless you're Cruella de Ville, you could send your kid at such a young age without good reason. Although I do know of one such example, but it's not my story to tell IYKWIM....

I thought it was interesting that one of those little twins was far more homesick than the other. I immediately assumed when the show started that they would be fine having each other. That little one April was really trying to tough it out, bless her. Heartbreaking.

I find the implication in AJSH?s post that I was traumatised by boarding school simply because I was ?clingy and unconfident? vaguely offensive. Many people have been brave enough to relate the adverse effects that their experience of boarding school has had on them (there are many more on the channel 4 web page about the program) and they should not be made to feel that there was something wrong with them because they couldn?t or wouldn?t cope, or because the coping personality that they developed now means that they have difficulty forming relationships.

I sincerely hope that boarding schools have improved since the National Minimum Standards
for Boarding Schools, published under section 23(1) of the Care Standards Act 2000, were introduced in 2002. Under these regulations children at boarding school now have the right to luxuries such as heating, access to a telephone and freedom from humiliating punishments. However, this may not change the culture and the psychology of boarding school.

Children may be genuinely happy at a good boarding school or they may tell you that they are happy because they don?t want to offend you, or they feel guilty for not appreciating their expensive school, or they have been told that it is weak to not cope, or simply because the school has taught them to tell you that they are happy because they want your money.

I thought I was happy at boarding school, I went when i was 7 and I had no other experience of what a family should be

I faced the bullying (being told that comprehensive schools were all like grange hill and I would have my head flushed every day) I faced the humiliaating punishments, I faced not talking to or hearing from my parents because I didn't realise what other people have.

Now I have more experience of life, I feel grief for the childhood I had no chance of experiencing. Would my childhood have been roses and vanilla scented? who knows but I would not be looking back asking why my parents didn't send me away.

Sirviva, I did not intend to imply that a childs unhappiness at boarding school was due to a child being clingy and unconfident. Just saying that I feel a childs personality should play a part in choosing whether to board or not. I would suggest that a child that has these traits should probably not be considered for boarding in the first place. In my own case, I would not have sent my children to boarding school had they even once said they did not want to go, whatsmore if either of them showed unhappiness they would be withdrawn pretty damn sharpish. If you were that unhappy why did your parents continue to board you? Did they know you were unhappy?

AJSH, You seem to have approached it with the right attitude but I'm not sure that is necessarily what everyone does. Some families are so ingrained with the upper-middle class 'boarding school is the only way for people like us' belief that I really wonder if they'd actually have the ocurage to listen to their children if the said they didn't want to go. I have two families living in very close proximity to me whose children all board. One of them sends them a local day prep, then to a weekly boarding school about 20 miles away aged 9, then to public school about 200 miles away at 13.

The other has sent all of hers aged 7, to board termly, over a 100 miles away. To be fair she visits often, and she goes on about how much she misses them and can't wait for the holidays. She has absolutely no reason to need do this, other than family/class expectations. There are perfectly good private schools much nearer, and some where they could board weekly, but the thing is they just don't have a famous enough name, or any minor royalty in attendance. .

AJSH,

Your situation sounds very very similar to ours.

My children really opted for the BS route themselves. I dont think the idea was quite so alien to them as it was to me even. They grew up (pretty much) on the patch moving schools requently but also knowing and playing with several children who already went to BS. So to them it was not the extreme abnormal that it is to some/most people.

Mine both went at 8. We looked at tons of schools including state boarding schools - we were after the stability and not the "cheap" private education that some people seem to think some Forces families are in it for. In the end we plumped for the place that felt right to us. A place where I felt the house staff were "normal" warm people and just felt right. It is an indepenent school and although not famous or elitest it is blummin expensive even with the CEA allowance. We certainly pay alot more than our 10% minimum contribution.

I cannot vouch for other families but for us in our current sitution it works. We have done married unccompanied for a few years and it didnt work FOR US in the long term.

My youngest went earlier than I wanted but we were due another posting and she also saw what her big sis was upto at school and was determined to go asap. So she went at 8 too on a trial. She is still there (as is her sister) and happy.

Despite being almost 2 hours from the school (atm) I visit often and they come home most weekends, unless school commitments mean they stay in - currently eldest 11 is in a drama club and stayed in for rehearsals a few weekends ago. I am usually up at school at the very very minimum once a week but usually more.

Both girls have been told they dont have to board and if it any time they want to stop and return to a local day school they can. I have really drilled this into them and really mean it. More importantly they know I mean it.

I watched that documetary too. I cried. That little April did not IMO seem the kind of child suited to BS. I really dont think I could have put my girls through that misery.

Thankfully my girls have a genuine love and enthusiasm for school and life atm. I KNOW my children are happy and its not a facade as some people try to imply. If I ever felt they were not happy - they would be out like a shot. I am no different in my feelings as a mum than most of you. I do not want or wish any unhappiness on my precious children.

I am not in this for snobbery or any other reason other than in our current family sitution this works well atm. If anything changes - I will be ecstatically happy to have my children back at home full time again.

Mum72,

Don't you think that April's Mummy made life alot harder than she needed to for April? I would imagine life in that household was pretty stressful before April started at the school. Mum clearly wasn't happy about her boarding from day 1, so the anxiety would have built up and up before d-day. There is no way I would have sent my children had they been that upset about it. I would have told my husband to crack on with his army career without me!

its borstal for posh kid innit

Yes AJSH, She certainly did make a meal of it. I thought the same - the weeks preceeding the start of term in that house must have been stressy.

Omg Sirviva, did you go to the same school as me? Was there ice on the inside of the dorm windows in winter? Did they read all your outgoing mail and forbid you from writing anything negative to your parents? Were you not allowed a radio for the first 3 years? Were you only allowed a 10 minute bath 3 times a week and to wash your hair once a week? Could you only wash your jumper and skirt (worn 6 days a week) at half term and in holidays?

Hopefully they've got a lot more humane since then, but who knows?

I can assure you that our school is nothing like that you will be glad to hear. For a start kids have telephone rooms which are completely private and can ring us when they like, I often get a call first thing in the morning to remind me of something. Dorms are cosy and warm and decorated how they want them to be. They can pop to the indoor pool at lunchtime if they fancy extra swimming or head off to the woodland to climb trees and make dens with their dorm friends who at times they [choose] to stay in with at the weekend due to the masses of activities on offer. Of course I miss them, but I would never undermine their confidence to choose to do something else by saying no.

Boarding schools costs are so extortionate these days that schools have to fight to be the best as they cannot afford to have parents withdrawing, what in alot of cases is, between 14 to 20ish k per child at prep and up to 30k at senior school.

There will always be parents that send their kids to boarding schools for the wrong reasons and their children may be unhappy, but question the parents choice of school and reasoning behind sending them. We looked at 11 preps before walking into our chosen school and 'knew' within 10 minutes that it was the right one.

Those that choose boarding school are not confined by what the local state system has on offer due to catchments. We have access to different schools in different counties.We can choose the best school available for our childs personality, not just the best locally which in some cases can still be pretty poor.

Bottom line is my kids happiness.....are they happy...most definately. It may be hard for some of you to understand why some parents choose the boarding route but it's all about choice. I do not choose to send my child to a school that has little sport and poor educational attainment. My children's teachers truly know them and instantly know when someting is up.My children also socialise with their teachers so get to know them like family members.

Home time, which is far longer than state schools, is amazing and not spent moaning at my kids to do homework or tidy up their bedrooms or getting my kids to watch TV or play on the computer because I need to get dinner ready which is all some children get every evening/weekend.

I watched the programme with my children and neither of them could work out what all the fuss was about. Yes I am from a service family so boarding is seen as the 'norm'for many.My children opted to go which is great, but really don't think that children who board are hard done by in this day and age.

Hope they do a follow up to the programme because I would put money on the fact that April is now settled and wouldn't be anywhere else.

So far, the only thing I have noticed with my children boarding , is that they are more independent and confident than friends they left behind....but this is not bad.

This morning I have two kids who have had a fun half term with both their parents doting on them, but who are excitedly preparing to go back to school to see their friends. Oh dear, poor them and poor me!

AJSH - I think that you have a really balanced view of BS. Like you I am a service wife and last September we made the decision to send our 8 year old son to BS.

I would like to say to all you 'non believers' out there that this was not a decision made lightly or easily. We did it for OUR SON, NOT FOR US!

As we will be moving every 2-3 years all so, I could not face asking my DC to make new friends again every time, not to mention watching the effect on his education.

He is a weekly boarder and comes home for a night in the week too.....and loves it. The educational and extra curricular opportunities are immense and it is only a small school. The teachers are incredibly motivated and he has come on leaps and bounds.

We spend much quality time together than we did before - and don't forget we have longer holidays than state schools, so inactual fact we are together more than before!

I have now got used to the sometimes hurtful and insensitve comments from people that feel that it is OK to judge our decision, but also a great deal of friends have said that if they had the option of financial assistance and they were moving all the time, then they would do it too.

I agree that it is not for every family or every child. My son as just walked into the kitchen and asked me what I am doing - when I told him he said 'bs is great Mummy'. Thats all I need to know.....

I went to boarding school as an 8 year old - in fact only just 8 a few months before.

I loved it and I still look fondly on my years at school as some of the best of my life - how many adults do you hear saying that!! I am still in contact with some of the friends I made at prep school - 20 years later.

I just watched the program this evening as I had Sky+ it and ALL of the girls were from Forces families.

Again - I was a Forces child and knew that I would go to boarding school eventually. We moved every 2-3 years and that is so disruptive to your education it is unbelievable - having to make a whole new group of friends every few years and fit in is so tough for children to do. The forces children went to a local school and were bullied really badly as we were "different" and our lives were a living hell. Contrast that with a fabulous, caring environment with brilliant facilities and after school activities and all your friends around all the time - no competition I'm afraid.

Those that suggest that you should live apart from your H are living in a strange world. Would you?? I would never live apart from my Husband. I am not the only parent in this relationship and by living apart from your husband you are still denying your child access to that parent in the same way that you would if they were at boarding school. It is different when your husband is often on overseas unaccompanied postings of 3-6 months at a time to Iraq/Afghanistan etc you could perhaps live in one place but if they are in normal postings in the UK you would just be moving around the UK every few years and I could never stay in once place and not see my husband. I love my children but they are not my only reason for living - my H was here first!!!

I think April would have been absolutely fine at boarding school if her Mum had handled it differently. Her mum was so clingy and crying all the time that April was almost guaranteed to be that homesick. ALL children get homesick at some time or another - but it usually passes quickly. Hers was prolonged as she went home too much and her mum had too much contact. I am not saying that you should distance yourself completely from your children but you do need to give them a few weeks to settle in without you.

My younger brother went to boarding school as well when he was 10 and he struggled a bit as he was badly dyslexic and had some behavioural issues and he was bullied by some idiots at first (a fact I quickly remedied when we were at the same school!). The extra "support" he had been offered by the council for his dyslexia was rubbish - they sent him to a school for disabled and autistic children and within a term his behaviour was so bad he was hideous. My parents eventually moved him to a boarding school that was ONLY for dyslexic children and he came on leaps and bounds and was a different child. There was no question that this wasn't a good move for him. He went on to achieve GCSE's and join the RAF which just wouldn't have been an option for him if he had remained in state education.

I can't say enough in support of boarding school. I don't know if I would send my girls to boarding school unless I had to - I would need a good reason like being in the Forces or something. But if I could afford I would certainly send them private and if they wanted to they could weekly board.

Thanks galadriel for adding to the messages. It is soooo good to hear that someone else has a balanced view too. Your thoughts on your expereince is especially pertinent to me today as my son has had a bad week (his first, and I am sure when I rationalise this out would be no different to any bad week at a state school) so today I have been hard on myself and have felt pretty emotional. You have reminded me of what a good time I know he is having - because he usual tells me so. I shall remind him when he is home tomorrow!!! Thank you.

My FIL went away at 7. My mum went at 8. FIL hated it and has real issues. My mum loved it and she feels it saved her from a very chaotic home life.

My DD at 7 is the most un-confident, shy child and to send her away would be so cruel. It's not for me.

.

Havent read all of the posts but the few I have read clearly are not in favour of boarding schools. It would of been nice to hear from a few more who have experienced boarding but can only summise that their experience was so awful that they didnt want to comment.

I have a very confident DS (8) only child and bright beyond his years. He is really pushing to get into chorister school which is compulsory boarding.

I dont have a problem with respect to his capabilities and coping with private education demands but I am hating the thought of losing my only child because of boarding requirements.

I have spoken with him regarding all the possible feelings he may have but he is clear that it is not a problem.

We are not a well off family so a day pupil private education is not possible. We would have to rely on a scholarship award based on his musical abilities to make it affordable.

I do need to add because he is a bright boy, he suffers in his state school with boredom and finds that his peer group dont really understand him which can manifest itself as bullying at times.

My wants and needs versus my Sons aspirations.

Difficult call, sorry for the rant

Apologies, I have just read a few more of the positive comments above.