Boarding school

[londongirl1]

Anyone watching this Channel 4 programme about boarding? Beats me how parents can do this to their kids unless there are really difficult circumstaces at home. Seems cruel.

Yes. I wept all the way through!!!!!
Had missed the start so watched it on 4+1 to see WHY these parent shad sent them away.

Itsz unatural surely??!?!?!

But weren't some of these Forces families? In which case it may be the only way of getting their children a settled education.

Yes I think they were all forces families which I thought made it a weak documentary - far more interesting to talk to parents who actively choose to send their kids away at 8 for no reason whatsoever! Thinking about my own 8 yr old tucked up in bed upstairs (with his thumb in!) made me want to cry - how can people do it?

One of the girls wasn't armed forces, but I agree the fact that the other 3 were didn't make it quite so rounded.

It was heart breaking when one of the little girls wouldn't stop hugging the other one's Mum when she came to visit. I didn't see the end as my DH made me turn it off as I was getting too upset (brought back very bad memories for me ), so I don't know if she settled in or not?

she did eventually settle in, but it took her a very long time

draggedthrough, I saw that with the little girl hugging the other's mum who just of course wanted to hug her own child. It was awful to see. That poor child.

I do't agree either cory that boarding is the only way to get your child a settled education. To me, allowing your child to live at home and be brought up by the parents who chose to bring you in to the world is absolutely the basic responsibility of being a parent at all. You bend the job, the career, the arrangements of life around that, you don't bend the child. If you can't prioritise your child then clearly you do bend them.

So much of this programme showed the cost to children of being the thing that has to be 'convenient' in order to keep life organised as the parents want it.

it was also awful when the mum took her daughter and the other girl out for a treat but left the two twins on their own to go back to their room. Very sad.

I've just seen this on the C4 catch up site and was in tears!

What I don't understand is why the mum can't stay in one place (or the dad, if the mum is the one in the Forces) and send the DCs to a local school and then Dad come home to them when he can? Why does the mum HAVE to follow the Dad around? Can't the adults cope better with separation from a partner than a little child from its parents?

Another query I have is why can't they wait until the children reach an older age when separation becomes a bit more natural - perhaps age 12 to 13 at the v earliest? I just think 8 is far too young.

My twin 8 yr olds have coped fine with one or 2 nights away from me only 3 times in their lives - but even so, we were all happy to see each other again and we all missed each other. I couldn't imagine spedning longer than this separated from each other. How could anyone choose not to see their DCs for weeks on end often, when they're so young?

I do think it's more the young age that gets to me than the whole concept of boarding per se. I can see how I might have actively enjoyed and chosen to board (not that this ever came up in my family) from around age 15 or so, as I wanted more independence and freedom. But 8, 9, 10, 11...seems much too close to the time when you really NEED close physical contact - hugs and snuggles - from parents.

Yes I agree with all of you! - I would live in one place and sort life round the child and the dad could come back when he could ... you're right too - eight years old is soooo young - older doesn't seem so bad, especially if there are practical reasons for it, although I would never choose it for my dd. Have to say, told my 11 year old DD about the programme and she said she'd LIKE to board!!! Has been reading too many Mallory Towers books I think.

I saw a bit of the programme, and although I am a forces wife, it is not something we will do at age 8 - although I wouldn't rule it out later.

It is our choice to stay in one place while DH moves about, but that is not going to work for everyone. Moving schools once a year - or even more frequently - and in the middle of the year must be a nightmare. My DH is away at the moment, and when he returns (hopfully in the summer, at some point between June and Sept), we have no idea where he will be based. no idea when we will find out either - but unlikely to be told before end July. Can you imagine trying to organise school in those circumstances?

I also know a number of children who were in that position (moving schools frequently) and most didn't enjoy it, whereas most seem to have enjoyed their boarding school experience. My father went away (about 1950) at 8 though and HATED it. Loved boarding school as a teenager though.

I went to boarding school from 11 to 14 - my choice. It was dreadful and has had a massive impact on my life. I had a romanticized view of what it would be like and then was too ashamed to tell my parents I wasn't happy there. I remember the gut wrenching sadness when I had to go back to school and the heartbreaking loneliness of not having my mother around. Add puberty into the mix and it, for me, was hellish. Obviously I realise some people have positive experiences of it.

I went to about 10 different primary and secondary schools both here and in the States. This also had its impact.

For my DC, I want them with me at the end of the school day and I want their schooling to be as stable as possible, ie one primary and one secondary.

I watched a few minutes of the prog last night and had to switch it off.

I agree that it was irritating that the parents were in the forces and therefore had a relatively good reason to send to boarding school. I met someone at a party recently who'd sent her child off to boarding school at 7 and said "yes it was awful and hard for me, but it was a sacrifice I had to make for my child. It's what one does". Someone like her would have made a far more interesting subject.
Both my dh and my brothers went at that age and they are scarred for life. I worry that my husband is going to get awful recovered memory syndrome when ds turns 7 and he sees just how tiny that is.

My Ds is 7 now and it would truly be abusive to him to send him away and not allow him to have daily contact with DH and I.

He needs our input and our love and our physical contact just as much as he needs to breathe and eat.

My older son (12) weekly boards at his school and loves it. He started at 11. I get very weary when documentaries use the extremes. 7/8 is MUCH too young to send children away and I would say if you took the 'forces' element away then there wouldnt be much of a story.

Although I move in boarding circles I dont know anyone who started boarding so young. Additionally digging up horrendous stories about abuse at boarding schools over 50 years ago is not great either. My father in law was brought up in Ireland going to a Christian Brothers School. He wont talk about what happened even 50 years later. It just wasnt discussed. Children know their rights and the boundaries much more now

I thought what was the most interesting (and sad) element of the programme was the fact that the children (esp April's older brother) admitted that the only way to get through it was to disassociate yourself emotionally from your parents. How horrible for an 8 year old (or even to some extent an 11 year old) to have to do that.

My DH boarded from 12 and although he got on very well says that he grew up very quickly and felt independent from his parents at a very early age. He is adamant that he wouldn't want our 3 to board even though he enjoyed it. It did however fundamentally damage his younger brother who was not suited to boarding. Some kids are, some aren't. A decent school nowadays would advise if a child just wasn't settling at all I hope.

I can see however some benefits to weekly boarding - child gets to do lots of activities after school without a commute that might see them not getting home til 6pm etc.

There was one girl in the doc who wasn't forces and she settled right in (She looked like a mini Rosamum Pike and the little girl April looked like a mini Joely Richardson I thought)

I agree Turniphead (sorry it sounds a bit rude to call you that!) My younger son is at the same school as a day pupil and I am not sure about him boarding at all. Will keep a careful eye on things over the next couple of years.

I didn't watch this because I went to boarding school at the same age for the same forces reasons. It would have brought back the sadness.

I felt heart wrenching homesickness. I used to fall asleep on a pillow wet from tears, sometimes relieved the crying had started knowing that I would cry myself to sleep in the end. Homesickness is like a horrible grief. I suffered bouts of it throughout my school life.

Having said all that, I liked school. I liked my friends, it was fun and rather like Mallory Towers! It was so much better than changing school every five minutes which is also very upsetting because you can't ever develop any friendships. Boarding school can represent security. I felt quite grown up at eight, of course from an adult's point of view an eight year old is tiny but in the position of such a child you learn to cope with your friends around you. Homesickness comes in fits and starts if you're generally happy at school. It's one of those things you learn to live with, like grief. We used to talk about feeling homesick with each other in the dormitory and there was always someone to comfort you.

Although the feelings of homesickness are terrible, being a forces child it isn't so easy to feel resentful because the other option wasn't great either.

All my forces friends went away to school so it was normal and I wanted to go. Most people coped with the sadness and as an adult I certainly only get really upset about things that are really worth expending the energy on. If nothing else, it taught me perspective, self sufficiency and coping skills.

Of course you don't need boarding school to teach you these things but for me it was a good by product!

I sometimes think we underestimate children, and it makes great TV to watch little girls crying for their mothers but although I didn't see this programme, unless they were horribly unhappy with school in general, I can't believe there weren't any really great, fun, happy moments shared with caring staff.

My children won't go to boarding school. If my husband were in the Forces I would homeschool but I bet my DCs would want to go! It's very complex.

'Can't the adults cope better with separation from a partner than a little child from its parents?'

Not when you're getting a substantial (90%?) discount on the fees when you're in the forces!!

My DH boarded from age 7, he is outwardly confident, but he is pretty screwed up inside.

He suffered from terrible homesickness.

His mother is nearly 80, and has no idea he was so unhappy.

I was considerably older than 8 when I started boarding, and like Bonniestar I suffered terrible homesickness which has actually never left me. I still feel it now when visiting and then leaving my parents house (I am 31 ) and it is quite true that in this situation the only way to deal with it is to disassociate yourself - so you essentially become 2 separate people.

I am sure I will get flamed for this by those who are pro, but I actually don't believe that it makes you more independent. In some ways sure, such as not being so reliant on your parents, but you are limited and cosseted in many other ways, which to my mind is not experiencing RL (or in my case at least). Bear in mind that by the end of school you are 18. Some of my friends were actually 19, due to being kept back a year. Therefore they were entitled to vote, amongst other things, but not able to do something as simple as go into town without permission, and even then only on certain days!

I have also on occasion encountered prejudice, as when people find out you went they make assumptions about you; your background, and politics etc. Although I totally accept that much of this is due to my own discomfort with it.

Ultimately BS didn't suit me, although it did a number of my friends. If you are brought up to know that you will go, and all your friends/family go, then I think you can adapt more easily.

Sorry this is a long post and has moved away from the original point about the age of the children in question. It has however been quite cathartic (particularly after a glass of wine)

Good for you dragged. I notice we have yet to hear from someone who went to boarding school themselves, enjoyed it, and wants to send their DC there.

My DH and I watched the programme. I sobbed through it. He said it brought back his happy memories of boarding school!! He boarded from 8. His comment after watching it was that he'd like to send our DCs to boarding school. Fortunately we can't afford it and there is no way I'd let my children go. Would not judge forces families for having to use boarding schools though.

I was abandoned at a private boarding school aged 11, in the 1980s. It was 4 weeks before I saw my parents again. We were not allowed any contact in that time. There was no phone. They did not write to me. 50 children were looked after by 2 adults, 1 of which we rarely saw. The only way that 1 person could control 50 kids was with a prison like regime of rules, searches and bizarre punishments. I had no rights or privacy. I honestly think that if it was a council care home there would have been an investigation and it would have been closed down. Adult prisoners are treated better.

The problem was that until very recently nobody believed children. We were told that our parents would not believe us if we told them what it was like. We were told that when we were allowed out we must act happy, because our parents were paying a lot of money and if they thought that we weren't happy, and therefore didn't appreciate what they had done, then they wouldn't like us any more. The culture and 'coping mechanism' was don't cry, don't talk, don't get attached.

I am now successful despite my experience but it took me a long time to come to terms with it in any way. I still have nightmares and I find it very difficult to form any kind of attachment with any place or person. This has recently been called strategic survival personality.

I don't think the school on the telly is as bad as my experience was but ..... did any of those children really look or sound happy? They looked subdued and frightened of offending their parents to me .....

I found watching the program very upsetting but I did manage to tell my boyfriend, which was the first time that I have ever talked about it since I left 20 years ago. The accounts of other people?s experiences of boarding school, both here and on the channel 4 website, really helped me because I discovered that other people have been affected in the same way. I am not the only one. I am therefore probably not crazy or pathetic. The few people who stated that boarding school does not have any negative effects must have selectively ignored the many comments from ex-boarders who have been damaged by it. The comments from people who have been to boarding school are fairly evenly split into those who had a positive experience, those who had a negative experience but think it made them a ?better person? and those who had a negative experience and have been adversely affected by it. All of the comments from parents who have children at boarding school said that their children are happy. Either boarding schools and children?s experiences of them have vastly changed in the past few years or half of these parents are wrong.

I have found that there are a few scientific journal papers on the subject. The most comprehensive reference list is on the Boarding Concern website under reading. I encourage anybody who has sent their child away or is considering doing so to do some research into the psychological effects of abandonment and institutionalisation.

Thank you to all of you who have made me realise that I am not alone.