One child in private and one child in state edcuation?

[BridesheadRegardless]

We are thinking of moving our DS2 to a small private school.

At present both our sons are at the local high achieving primary. We've always intended for them to stay there and then go on to the highly regarded catholic comprehensive that it feeds.

We thought we had eductaion sorted.

However, Ds2 now in Yr 2 is struggling a bit at school, and the school is very rigid in it's grouping and he feels he is 'rubbish'. If he remains where he is I can see these feelings remaining. So we are thinking of moving him to a small private school with small classes and a more nurturing atmosphere.

DS1 is in Yr5 at the primary and doing well. We have discussed his brothers possible move with him, he is adamant he does not want to move school and that he wants to go to the comprehensive with all his friends.

I have told him if he ever wantde to move to the same school as his brothe he can.

I have done a search on here on this issue of siblings in state and, and there is alot of negative experinces from people whose familes did this.

If my DS1 is doing well, wants to stay where he is and go to the good comprehenisve, will he still resent us later for sending his brother private?

If we always let him know that at any time he can choose to move like his brother so that we are not limiting his options, will this help?

I have also said that if he goes to the comp as he wants to, if he started to fall behind and not do well, we would make him move then. This seems to be a big motivator!

Thoughts and opinions appreciated.

If your DS2 is struggling, then it'd be unfair to make him stay put if theres a better alternative.

If your DS1 is happy and doing well, then it'd be unfair to move him. He sounds sensible and well balanced - you've given him the choice, I don't see any reason why he will resent something being done for DS2 which he simply didn't need or want.

I don't think theres a problem.

Lots of families I know have some dcs at state school and some at private - in the cases I know of it is mainly because there excellent single-sex secondary schools for girls here but the single-sex boys school is not as good. Good mixed schools are nigh on impossible to get a place at. So families that can afford to often send their ds's to a private secondary school - they want all their dcs to have the same educational opportunities, even if that means having to pay for it. The boys are sometimes moved to the private schools in primary if the parents are worried that they might have difficulty with the entrance exam at 11.

Thanks Grimma. That is how I had been viewing it, but having done a search on here there semed to be many stories about resentment and fractured families in adulthood due to decisions like this.

As DS1 doesn't want to move, but the option is always available to him to do if he wants to or if we felt he needed to, then I am hoping resentment would be avoided even as adults.

I am sad that they will not go to the same school as they are very close, but I feel we really need to address DS2's educational needs as a priority.

Obvioulsy at this stage neither has any idea that we'd have to pay for the new school. I can just imagine their incredulity 'pay for school?', but they will becaome aware of this as they get older or as adults.

I am just hoping we are setting it up so that Ds1 can never feel that opportunities were denied to him. The same opportunity is there for him he needs it or wants it.But at presnt he niether needs or wants it.

I don't think it will cause resentment as you have offered the opportunity to your older son. The only way it might cause resentment is that if he takes you up on the offer to move to private school later and you refuse.

Families where it has caused resentment is where one child was never given the option of private.

My DH went to a state school, and his older brother went to a private high school - he went to the state secondary originally, hated it and got a scholarship to the private school.

My DH has never shown any resentment at all towards his brother (who ended up going to a local college for his A Levels anyway). In their case he's very comfortable with the fact that his brother was far more academic than him and he has no problem with the fact that a different school suited him better.

Don't know if it helps that BiL got a scholarship, so their parents weren't spending significant amounts on him that DH didn't get, but if you're willing to send your other son if he wanted to go, I don't really see a problem. I suppose it's just a case of if the privately-schooled brother did better in life (career etc), would the other brother blame that decision?

I went to private school but neither of my sibs did - partly because they didn't want to (and spent a reasonable amount of teen time taking the piss out of my "snobby" school) and partly because they wouldn't have passed the entrance exams; and lastly because my parents couldn't have afforded it (but that was the least of the reasons).

My bro and sis (both younger than me) never resented that I went there - they were quite happy where they were and would have hated my school or similar (for boys). My bro's best friend from junior school went to the boys' private school, and my bro dropped him because he "turned into a snob" (he didn't, btw, he was a very nice boy) - in other words, he didn't fit in to my bro's life any more.

In the end, my parents did the best they could for all of us, and that's what you have to think about far more than potential resentment (especially as he has been given the choice)

I can only imagine we'd refuse if we believed for some reason it was wrong for him eg in the middle of his GCSE's.

It would be hard for us financially to fund 2 of them in private, but if they both needed it we'd find the money somehow. I could work more hours,we could downsize the house etc.

But he doesn't need it and adamnatly doesn't want it. He finds change very hard and the idea of not going onto the comp with his friends fills him with dread at presnet. If I felt it was really necessary I would take this choice for him, but we feel we should give him a chance at the comp. It is very highly regarded, most of our friends children go there.

We're doing this, but with a view to moving dd after Y2 to ds' private school. I've wrestled with it, and finally decided that its how you parent that determines if there is sibling resentment. Clearly, if you spend $$ on one child, and completely deny the other, then you're in trouble, but the right decision for the right reasons is the best thing to do. I think it will all even itself out in the end iyswim.

Are you sure that the small private school will be more nurturing? Sometimes in small classes it is even more apparent if one is towards the bottom of the class. He may continue to feel the same way at the new school and then what will you do?

If the issue is one of self esteem then changing schools may not be the best move. Unless of course he is unhappy at the school he is at. I would work on trying to fix things where he is first. He may feel a lot better once his older brother has left and a move may not be necessary.

IMO small private schools are great for the first couple of years and you've already missed that boat. Also, he may already be significantly behind his peers at the private school so you could be exacerbating things.

I am sorry for sounding negative but it's just that your statement 'We thought we had education sorted' is making me think that you are just having a wobbly and that it will pass. Put your money to a better use for both boys. Help DS2 to find something that he can excel at.

Hi Dolly thinks for your thoughts, and we have been over and over the options, the potential benefits etc and what the new school may offer him. I've had a thread ongong on that issue.

I was interested here in exploring the specific issue of the differnt schools for siblings, so I won't answer all your queries and suggestions, but I know that it is not as straight forward as I may have made it seem in my OP.

In fact it is far from straight forward in many ways at presnet, we have made no firm decisions and I'm just trygn to explore the issues within it and get my heda straight form it's current turmoil.

As I say thugh I don't want to go over all the issues of why to move him here, just if we did, could/would we be storing up rsebetment if we didn't move ds2 as well?

OK - I missed your other thread. I would find it difficult to educate my DCs in different sectors unless there was a specific problem/need. Only then could I get my own head around it.

I've now found your other thread and had a quick look through it. If, as you suspect, your DS is just 'immature' then why can't you explain that to him in a way that allays his fears about being rubbish. Someone has got to be at the bottom of the class and if he is there by virtue of his age then that's OK. He should be given less demanding work than the older members of the class and should be helped to feel good for as long as he continues to improve.

If you explain to him that being at the bottom of YR2 is like being at the top of YR1 for him but look for some advantages for being in YR2 (eg access to a greater range of clubs etc) then you may well be able to help him to feel better about his position.

I speak as a parent with experience of teaching in both sectors and with DC who have recently moved from private to state.

If you think that he is doing as he should be then why does he need a tutor? Could that be part of the reason for him feeling 'rubbish'?

Oh, and just to keep this relevant, if you can 'fix' things without having to change schools then there will be no resentment worthy or otherwise over this issue at least.

Good luck with it all .

Brideshead, maybe when your DS2 gets to 11 he might / you might feel the best secondary school will be the comp that DS1 is at - you can't tell, but it might be. So long as you talk to DS1 and he feels he had the option I can't see it will be a problem.

we currently have kids at a mix of private and state schools. the kids are fine. however, i am completely run off my feet with the school runs and theafter school clubs. driving me insane. plus, we never get to walk to school anymore.
BUT it was the right decision for middle child.

I think you are being optimistic in hoping that by giving your DS1 the choice of school you will avoid resentment in the future

He is still a child and won't want to leave his friends - he is not in a position to assess the pros and cons of moving to another school

Yes that sounds fine. You are doing what's best for each child. State/Private shouldn't matter.

My brother ended up at a very good private school while my sisters and I stayed in state schooling. We were never jealous, it suited him perfectly and I think he would have really struggled in the local boys' grammar whereas the girls in the family all thrived at the girls' grammar. He was just a completely different character. We all ended up with what my parents thought was best for each of us, and I think we all agreed with them. No resentment at all at the time or nearly 20 years later .

Smee, yes I think DS2 could well end up going to the comp if all went well for him at the primary. That would be great.

Eldon, I would take the decision out of DS1's hands if I felt it was necessary to move him, but he is happy and doing well so I am unsure whether it's necessary to also move him just in case he resents it in the future.

So to avoid resentment, do I leave DS2 in a school I don't think is right for him because his brother is there? Or do I make DS1 move schools to be with his brother even though he is happy where he is and doesn't edcuationally need to move?

It seems the 'you must treat them the same' mantra will mean that one has to be scarificed for it.

Dolly, thanks for your thoughts, but I have so many issues within what you've said and I could explain to you all the reasons we feel the move may be right and all the reasons his current school is wrong and all the thinsg I disagree with in what you've said, but TBH I can't be bothered to go through it all again on here, I seem to be discussing it endlessly in real life and I am quite worn out. No offence meant.

It was just views on the siblings different edcuation I was interested in really, having read so many neagtive expereiences on here.

Friends moved ds2 for similar reason. DS1 opted to stay at the original school also year5 However after 1 year he opted to move to private too as was envious of the extra sport, holidays etc. They however always planned on private from year 7 and lots from the primary joined him in year7

I went to private and my sister went to state, my dd has done a mixture of state and private, and my ds is doing private throughout.

The only times I ever have known it to be an issue with friends with siblings at state is when their parents have said things along the lines of 'we've bought your brother a car, because we didn't have to spend £100k on their school fees', or 'we've bought your sister a house, because we want to treat you fairly and we spent that money on your education'. So very very wrong in my book.

ds1 is at private secondary, ds2 is at state primary and will probably be going to local state secondary and dd currently at state primary but will be transferring to private primary for y3.

They're all very different, and we've put a lot of (agonising) thought into what would be the best school for each of them. ds1 gets very anxious, needs very firm boundaries and is exceptionally sporty - his school suits him down to the ground. But it would be completely wrong for ds2 - he's much quieter, has lots of local friends (ds1's close friends had all moved out of London by the end of Y5), is not sporty at all, but is very good at maths and science, both of which the local partially selective secondary are very strong in. Ds2 would hate being put through the stress of entrance exams and interviews, and as he bears a very strong resemblance to a dormouse in the mornings would hate having to get up as early as ds1. He would lose out an awful lot if we insisted on doing the same for all of them out of 'fairness'

i have one in state and one in private- like you i thought that we had education sewn up by living in an area with outstanding state schools. DD1 is now in year 10. DD2 was diagnosed with learning difficulties in year 6 and there was no interest/support for her in her current school so we moved her for the start of year 7. If we had realised her problems, we would happily have moved her in year 2. You may find that he catches up and removes the expense of private secondary education. We had a long chat with dd1 about it- mainly because it means no holidays for a couple of years- she was absolutely fine about it.
Incidentally- DD2 has moved from a 3B to a 4a in Maths in one term at new school- having been a 2A from year 2 to year 5 and managed a 3b finally in year 6 sats.
i think a lot of the problems that people refer to are about adult perception of fairness between siblings. i took the view that we had to use our resources to give them what they needed- and this was private education for one. I kind of thought that i would never forgive myself if dd2 ended up with no qualifications and barely literate because of some future strop!

Believe me you can't win with the kids - they will always find something to resent to justify their dissatisfaction with you in their teens. All you can do is carry on with what you sincerely believe is best for each as the situations arise. Families are not democracies!