Help me ladies and gents..

[marmon]

I went to see a beautiful private school today in Surrey and really fell in love with it, however i just feel a little unsure as to whether we will fit in. My ds has been at a local state for the last couple of years, hes in year2 and it has mostly been a negative experience.
He has a trust fund left to him by his late father ( i was widowed in pregnancy another story) but the up shot is we do not live in a great part of town, our house is modest to say the least and i just feel that this could be a problem in the future. Am i over reacting, being paranoid etc...? He has enough funds to pay for his education until hes an adult so that side of things will be fine. Its just when children come to tea and the parents see where i live, i just feel embarrased. His late father was totally against 18 years old inheriting vast sums of money and that is what will happen if i do not use the money on something, i cant buy a property for legal reasons, so investing in his education seems the right thing to do. Some advice would be great and please do not shout at me!! Im just feeling a bit out of my depth.

My dd attends private school and I was worried when she started. We live in a small terraced house in a poorer suburb of the city and wondered how she would get on.
In the 2nd year they did a project on housing and there was a chart of the various kinds of houses that the pupils live in. There were some terrific houses (£1 million+), farms etc, all big stuff. On the end there was just 1 terraced house!
However, I have never experienced any snobbery and everyone seems 'normal'! Kids come over to play and my dd goes to these huge houses to play too. It doesn't seem to bother her.
If you have the opputunity to send him to the school then I think you should. What a terrific chance.

I wouldn't worry about it. I went to a private secondary school and there was a mix of people. Among those I know about there was someone who had 3 other siblings in school from age 4 to 18 whose parents probably wouldn't have noticed if you'd doubled the fees to someone who was already on a bursary whose her mum sold her engagement ring to keep her there for her last term

I don't think friendships ever aligned with incomes and I don't know of anyone who was ever teased or looked down upon for having more or less than anyone else.

It's also quite common that grandparents pay fees these days instead of leaving an inheritance for their kids/grandkids.

well, you want to do your best for him. If he is not getting a good education where is then you need to move him, i guess you have already decided this as you are looking at other schools. If your gut instinct says that this is the right environment for him then go for it. try and get him to do other activities locally if you can manage it- swimming clubs, scouts and stuff so he keeps a broader range of friends. At the end of the day, the house thing seems daunting but only if you let it be- especially with little boys- he may get to see how the other half live but so will they, no bad thing.

in my experience- there is a massive spread of house size/holidays etc- in both state and private- it is a fact of life.

"i can't buy a property for legal reasons"

eh?

not buying property - presumably to do with the terms of the trust?

Yes it is, very complicated and long winded.

I went to a private school and was always very aware that my peers were considerably better off than my family. It wasn't the house thing so much (although most of them seemed to live in enormous houses!), it was things like holidays (we went camping, they went abroad), birthday presents (ours were very modest), birthday parties etc.

No one every deliberately tried to make me feel uncomfortable, but it was just all around me.

I still think that it sounds like the right thing to do for you. What else are you going to spend the money on? What better than a really good education (assuming this school is really good).

Do you think his late father would be happy with this choice? I'm sure that would influence me a little.

Also, as others have said, at most independents, there is a wide range of incomes. I'd probably steer clear of a very posh school but otherwise, especially as you're aware of the issue, it should be fine.

My DD has started going to a private school from this year. We live in a normal average house in a fairly decent part of the city( no where posh or with big house). Our lifestyle reflects this aswell. Her classmates include a footballers son but also has children whose parents work as secretaries/nurses. She has gone on play dates to really big houses and I was initially slightly worried about all this.But I have explained to her why we wont be able to have a lifestyle like that. To be honest it is us as parents who fret around all these things but children dont really bother about these things

I do sympathise with you as I am in a similar position, ds may be going private in autumn term from state primary and I not only worry that we live in too modest a house to fit in with the new friends he will hopefully meet but also concerned that his present friends, who are going off to the local comprehensive may treat him differently. Academically I have no doubt he will be more successfull at the private school but concerned he may become a social nomad.

When I was 16 I transferred from a state grammar school to a private school. Often when I got off the bus and walked to school, a chauffeur driven huge black limousine would stop to pick me up, and I would ride to school in style with the ambassador's children. There were some rich children who bragged about their riches, but they were the insecure ones who were not very popular. Everybody made friends on the basis of their personalities and nobody cared what background you came from.

The really rich confident people don't look down on anybody. I remember once listening to the Duchess of Devonshire on the Libby Purves Midweek radio 4 programme. I would usually rush to turn this show off, but I was spellbound by the wonderful charming kind generous unassuming confident person that the Duchess was. She looked down on nobody and had true class, something that money alone cannot buy.

Assuming your DS went there then if his peers or their parents made you feel embarrassed about your home/lifestyle then they are not the sort of people that you would want around you and your DS.

My DC went to a private school in Surrey from the age of 4. It was a struggle to afford the fees and compared to what some of the other parents/DC had we were probably the least well off. However, very few people looked down their noses and those that did were just not nice people and were mostly 'new' money. The really rich ones were lovely.

Good luck in making such an important decision x

marmon - which school was it? I'm in Surrey and am very familiar with a lot of the private schools (and their students) round here, so if its anywhere near me, I would definitely have an opinion about how snobby etc the school is. Because it does depend on the school - some have a wide range of pupils from lots of different backgrounds and crack down hard on snobbery/money-based bullying, whereas others horrify me with their acceptance of things like that happening....

FWIW, I think investing it in his education is a brilliant thing to do.

marmon, it really depends on the school although most do have a really wide range of parents.

Littlefish - sounds you experienced what our ds is about go through. You say the other kids didn't make a big issue about the differneces in house, hols etc but it was all around you - did this have a VERY negative effect on you at the time? Looking back do you feel you would have been happier at a different school with kids in similar socio-economic bracket?

Littlefish - sounds you have experienced what our ds is about go through. You say the other kids didn't make a big issue about the difference in house, hols etc but it was all around you - did this have a VERY negative effect on you at the time? Looking back do you feel you would have been happier at a different school with kids in similar socio-economic bracket?

alann - I wasn't very happy at the school generally, but that was possibly more to do with difficulties within my own family, which added to my feelings of isolation and "different-ness".

I do remember feeling quite envious of some of the other children when I had visited their houses, been to their birthday parties etc.

Would I "have been happier at a different school with kids in a similar socio-economic bracket" - interesting question. Until late primary/ early secondary school age, I wasn't so aware that other people's lives weren't the same as mine. When I got to about 10 yrs old and above, I became much more aware, and at that point, yes, I think I would have been happer being with people who were in a more similar situation. When we got to 17, most of my friends were given cars etc. which was never going to happen to me. I couldnt' afford the sort of clothes they had or do the sort of weekend activities they had. As a result, I had a choice of being honest (very difficult!), or making excuses. I found it quite stressful if I'm honest. I worked incredibly hard at fitting in when I should have been working hard on my studies!

littlefish - thank you for such an honest and open reply, hope my question wasn't too invasive. I do have a friend who's DS won a scolarship for very good PS and although she was a high academic achiever she used cunning and lies to disguise her background for over four years before she finally admitted the truth to a few trusted friends. I wouldn't like to think my DS would be so embarressed by our modest(but nice little house) that he would never want to bring a friend home. Parenting must be the hardest job on the plant!!!

Oops- I mean planet!!!

Thank you alann. You're question wasn't invasive - it was interesting.

I think that as long as you are honest with your ds about differences and similarities between him and his friends (if he asks), and he feels confident, loved and supported by you, then that will go a long way to supporting him through school.

Your friend's dd sounds a lot like me! By normal standards, we weren't badly off, but because of the strain of putting us all through private/public school, there was never any money left over for anything else.

My parents were never aware of my feelings toward school. As far as they were concerned, they were doing their very, very best to send me to the best school they could. I would never have willingly hurt their feelings by telling them how unhappy I was there. I wish now that I had told them at the time.

your not you're

Littlefish - sounds like you were a very sweet and sensitive kid. I went to a state comprehensive myself where I grossly underachieved (got lost in the system), at least you gained a good education. Do you think the public school environment prepared you adequately for real life?

Good lord, no! I went to an all girls' convent school. I went completely off the rails at about 15...... and then grossly underachieved!

Hi thebossofme, its called Longacre and its in a village called Shamley Green just outside Guildford. I spoke to the head about my fears and i think he just added to them. He said we have all walks of life at the school, everything from a man who owns half of West Sussex to a vet!! Also a very famous guitar player sends his children there. I think its my insecurities that are shining through here and im loathed to put them on my ds which sadly sometimes happens, even when you dont mean to.

In life there will be those that judge what others have but in my experience parents are far more bothered by how well brought up children are. Do they have nice manners? Are they friendly and happy? Do they knuckle down at school?

I don't give a toss how much money a child's parents do or don't have. Good people are good people in my book.

And you should keep in mind that many families who are well off now are from humble backgrounds. They remember exactly what it was like. As will your son when he's a billionaire.