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Original poster

Do you think this playgroup staff member was out of order...?

82 replies

QueenEagle · 29/06/2005 11:07

I took ds3 for a preliminary visit to the playgroup he will be starting in October the other day. A comment by one of the staff about my ds has left me a bit rattled.

As I was holding ds4 at the time, she helped ds3 to wash his hands in the bowl after painting. She handed him a paper towel which he held but didn't dry his hands with it. She tried to encourage him to do it but he was really shy and just put his head down, so she dried them for him and said, "Oh, another one who has everything done for him at home, I see."

Now I find this a tad out of order. Would you have thought the same or am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:

Socci · 29/06/2005 14:16

Message withdrawn

spidermama · 29/06/2005 14:19

Yes that's true Socci. But I think the comment in question is more critical of the mother, if anything. I don't think a 2/3 year old would necessarily pick up the implied critisism.

Socci · 29/06/2005 14:22

Message withdrawn

spidermama · 29/06/2005 14:27

I think that's true but I also think that such neg attitude will be coming at them very soon anyway and it has to start somewhere. It'll inevitably start with a playgroup leader who can't possibly be as understanding and giving as a mum to thirty or so little ones.

starrynight · 29/06/2005 14:34

How did you hold yourself back? Stupid cow. If this is her attitude to children in front of the mother I can't imagine she would be fantastic, warm, welcoming and lovely when you are not there!

I had niggling problems with a playgroup my children were at and in the end switched to one a couple of miles away (only alternative) - which they love. I am soooooooooo happy I made this decision and they are so happy with the new place - I am sooo happy they don't have to go back to unprofessional staff with no obvious love for the job or the children.

Ulysees · 29/06/2005 14:35

DS2 is just about to leave his playgroup/pre school to go to school and has been there since he was 2.5. There's one leader there who would say something like this but she's nice in most ways. I'd have said something at the moment and I can understand you being miffed. I'm sure ds3 will love it there and hopefully any comments from her will just go over his head.

I can't believe some of the things DS1 has said to him at school and he's 7. His last teacher was fantastic but he has 2 now (job share) and one of them is a bit of a dragon. Just hope his new teacher in juniors is ok?

Socci · 29/06/2005 14:35

Message withdrawn

spidermama · 29/06/2005 14:41

Yes Socci. And on 1st day playgroup should pull out all the stops to make him feel welcome. Perhaps they forget what a big deal it is for a child to be starting because they see so many. Off to do school run now. NIce chatting with you.

KBear · 29/06/2005 14:50

I help out in a pre-school from time to time as a parent-helper. I have always noticed how nicely the "teachers" speak to the children, with the utmost patience, nicely without snide remarks which is what this seems to be. The remark also infers that you as a parent are doing it wrong and that is not for anyone else to judge IMO. They are entitled to their opinion but should keep it to themselves.

And of course pre-school children should blob the paint on the paper - it's pre-school not art school.

ssd · 29/06/2005 14:53

QE, I think that was a very insensitive and unneccesary thing for her to say. I wouldn't be happy either, but I think you've got to give it time and see how your ds settles in at the playgroup, he might not even have this much contact with the teacher mentioned.

I'm a nursery nurse, although I'm working as a childminder just now. I found when I was training that there would be a couple of staff brilliant with kids while the rest treated it as just a job(which of course it is.) Now I'm a mum I've got to remember not everyone has the patience and love I have for my own kids and teachers and nursery staff are just doing a job, some better and some worse than others. I'm quite over sensitive when it comes to my kids and I would be p**d off on hearing that comment on day 1. But hold fire and see how it goes, she might have been having an off day (and don't we all!) and she might prove to be a great teacher.

Original poster

QueenEagle · 29/06/2005 16:56

I'm happy to accept that this was a one-off by this woman and give her the benfit of the doubt. And I completely agree with whoever said about the shoelaces - it's not down to the teacher to do them. And I am all for encouraging self-help skills and when ds3 gets there I would expect him to sort out washing and drying his hands pretty quickly, but on the very first ever time he is there?, at barely 2 and ahalf?

I believe her comment was directed at me, but I was holding ds4 at the time otherwise I would have helped him myself. There must have been a dozen different ways she could have made the point without being negative in the way she was.

The rest of the staff were brilliant, they took time to talk to me, showed me everything, helped me in and out of the door with the double buggy, warmed ds4's bottle when he needed it and were generally really friendly. Just as I remember they were when ds2 was there 6 years ago.

ds3's painting has taken pride of place on the front of the fridge by the way - and is dead chuffed every time we point at it, bless him.

OP posts:

paolosgirl · 29/06/2005 19:32

QueenE, if I were you (which I'm not, so by all means tell me to shut up!) I'd have a word with one of the more senior members of staff along the lines off "I was quite upset when X said blah blah blah. I encourage him to do as much as I can at home, but feel he IS only 2, and wondered if not being able to dry his hands on his first visit is something you disapprove of?" At least then you might have a clearer understanding of their overall attitude and expectations?

chipmonkey · 29/06/2005 20:26

QE, I think she was out of order and it's no harm to say it to the manager. It might make her think twice about saying it to another child.

Original poster

QueenEagle · 29/06/2005 23:06

If I said anything (which I don't think I will - I'll just slag her off on MN instead!) she would know it was me and she might take it out on ds.

OP posts:

paolosgirl · 29/06/2005 23:11

I know how you feel - how many of us let things go with teachers etc in case they take it out on our kids....it's not right, really, that we should feel this way, is it?

likklemum · 30/06/2005 00:18

I think it was a rude comment and i would have a word with her about it. When i first started teaching, i flippantly spoke to a dad about his son in front of other parents. nothing bad, just that so and so is finding writing stories difficult and could he do some practice at home? The next morning, the mum asked to have a word and said politely that they would have preferred me to have spoken to them in private and that their little boy had taken the comment as critism. i was very grateful that she had taken time to talk to me and i was able to apologise and after that we were fine and friendly and we built a good communicative relationship. i would keep my eye on her and discuss things with her first if she continues to be impatient etc and then with the p/g manager if nothing changed.
Also, spidermama, you should expect them to be like parents as they are in fact in loco-parentis -in the place of parents, which means, one would hope, gently encouraging independence, rather than making bitchy back-handed comments

goldenoldie · 30/06/2005 10:09

Do you really want to send your DS there? If that is what you say when you can hear, what do they say when parents are out of ear-shot?

Tortington · 30/06/2005 11:07

it was nothing more than a thoughless off the cuff comment - which no doubt is based in lots of experience. it was nothing more and quite frankly if anyone were to officially complain about this it would be very sad.

paolosgirl · 30/06/2005 12:32

It's not a thoughtless, off-the-cuff remark. It's a comment specifically highlighting both the 2 year old child's lack of ability to dry his own hands (on his first day at nursery, FFS - what does she expect?) and a barbed comment aimed at the parent, making a completely uninformed comment about a family she knows sod all about.
From any other old biddy, it's stupid and crass. From a childcare 'professional' it's not on.

Tortington · 30/06/2005 12:36

well i think it was

snafu · 30/06/2005 12:45

Rude, judgemental and crass. And agree that it's the fact of it coming from a so-called childcare professional makes it even worse. I'd have been fuming, actually.

If she thought ds should have been capable of drying his own hands, she should have encouraged him to do so, not make some snidey remark instead.

Original poster

QueenEagle · 30/06/2005 12:48

custardo - I agree it was a thoughtless off the cuff comment. I'm not going to complain about it, it really isn't something that justifies a compalint IMO.

However, what I do think is that this woman should have been as welcoming as possible on ds's visit and gone out of her way to make him and me feel so. Anyone less hardy than myself might have got seriously upset and genuinely questioned their parenting abilities.

As it was, at the time, it made me think "What the fuking hell does she* know about what he does and doesn't get done for him at home?" Fortunately I know this playgroup from old as ds2 went there. I should have come away from there feeling really excited about his starting in October. Instead I've come away with that remark as my enduring memory of ds3's first visit. Well, actually that's a fib - it's the painting he did that is now in pride of place on my fridge!!

OP posts:

lunachic · 30/06/2005 12:49

shes def ooo and very rude

wilfulwife · 30/06/2005 13:07

The comment was inappropriate.I have been heavily involved with th epre school service and it was not an acceptable comment to make.Children can be labelled incorrectly from the first moment and it can have implications for the rest of it's time in that particular care setting.Even if she had thought "oh bet he gets it all done at home"she ,if acting appropriately and professionally,would have kept it to herself and then with the use of observations worked out a strategy to enable the child to do more for himself,that is the correct way of working.I t may seem over the top etc but it is whatis expected now in any childcare setting.My experience of preschool comes from working with a voluntary set up in a very deprived area of east london,so its nothing to do with areas etc .

Tortington · 30/06/2005 13:11

QE - i agree with you completely.

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