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Original poster

Which do you think would be most beneficial to children....

114 replies

seeker · 30/11/2009 19:18

....two working parents and a private education, or one working parent, a state education, and a parent at the school gate every morning and afternoon, a parent at every assembly, performance, match and parents evening, and around every afternoon/evening and every holiday. Discuss.

OP posts:
thedollyridesout · 01/12/2009 15:02

here about half way down

I thought this was the same article you were quoting from .

I still don't get your argument. In that case there would be no point in having the education debate either.

Here is an interesting statistic: over 50% of independent school parents were state educated.

Do you get my point?

Swedington · 01/12/2009 15:05

It depends on the age of the child.

Before about 12, the best outcome for your child is the one that gets them the most concentrated attention from interested adults (teachers, parents, carers etc). So if you give them lots of time to make up for being in a class of 33 between 3.30pm and 6pm then that's great. But if you can't give them that time, being in a class of 10 with a teacher and a helper at a prep school is probably preferable. And actually it doesn't have to be a private school, you can get small classes in some state schools too.

MillyR · 01/12/2009 15:16

Thedolly, this is a separate piece of research from the one I was talking about, and it doesn't mention what mothers want to do; it mentions that 70% of parents would give up their work if money was no object. I suspect that if money was no object at all, 70% of non-parents wouldn't go to their work either!

DH constantly talks about giving up his job, but that would be to pursue other interests, study new subjects and travel, or develop a new career. It has nothing to do with being a SAHP.

I think education is a good analogy for you to make. I am never going to debate whether or not I should home educate; it is not something I want to do. That doesn't mean I have to be critical of home educators; in many ways I really admire what they do. I also rarely hear home educators be negative about my choices. I wish the SAHM/WOHM debate was conducted in a similar way.

FimbleHobbs · 01/12/2009 15:23

What a great question. You forgot option c; parents both work full time and child at state school AND a roof over the family's head - thats our 'choice'.

Litchick · 01/12/2009 15:26

Milly - I often think people are critical of others choices when they are lacking in confidence in themselves and their own choices.
I think new parents do this most often.
I recall the early days when I was so unsure of my parenting skills that I almost needed to pick holes in other families who were doing it differently from me.

Then time passed and my confidence grew, as did my understanding that there are a thousand ways to skin a cat, or bring up a family. They're all valid if they work.

I'm always getting compliments on my parenting from teachers etc but do I think this means others should replicate my style? Of course not. They don't have my skills or faults. They don't have my DH, my DCs or my friends. Our experiences will always be different

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 01/12/2009 17:16

I'm Option D - 2 working parents, me part time but between us both usually one of us start/end of school day and other things.

State, naturally. Wouldn't go private unless only option was Waterloo Road

thedollyridesout · 01/12/2009 18:38

In a debate, each side puts across their argument to which they are strongly committed and presumably each side comes away from the debate better informed, regardless of which side wins.

Not everyone knows exactly what parenting decisions they are going to make from the outset.

Debate is useful.

CertainAge · 01/12/2009 18:47

The independent school thing is a red herring, so I will ignore that.

SAH or WOH - I don't know why people get so upset over this debate.

First, you don't have to choose one path when you are pregnant with your first and stick to it until the youngest leaves school.

I have been a WOHM to babies, SAHM for several years with more babies and primary aged kids, and now WOHM with all school-aged kids. Each phase has been right for me (and the rest of the family at the time). Each phase was a carefully made choice. I loved being a SAHM but after several years, I was becoming less and less productive. It was time to return to work.

I am fortunate enough to have a job where I can take my younger children to and from school, watch their matches, concerts and (although I decline) their assemblies. I can work flexibly in the holidays, so can be at home for as long as I want, especially with teenagers to fill in on babysitting. So, I earn about one-third of my BK colleagues, but there you are - I am content.

I am sure if you took a straw poll of Mumsnetters, you would find content SAHMs, content WOHMs, SAHMs who would like to work but can't afford the childcare or loss of benefits, and WOHMs who would dearly love to give up but who are significant breadwinners. You get everyone, but I would like to encourage anyone who is not happy at this time with their situation that it doesn't have to be permanent.

grumpypants · 01/12/2009 18:51

well, it's such a non choice that there is little point in a discussion. I can't imagine a situation where parents with a child at private school would NEVER attend any play etc or where a not working parent would attend the (school) opening of an envelope. Or is this more a 'money isn't everything' dig at privately educating thread?

CertainAge · 01/12/2009 18:53

Given the OP, I think it is yet another dig at people who are independent school customers. Yawn.

jellybeans · 01/12/2009 18:54

I think the latter choice of one parent working and one part time/SAHP (or maybe both p/t)so that a parent picks the child up from school. Some kids hate after school clubs, DD's friend used to beg us to come to our house instead.

CertainAge · 01/12/2009 19:14

But, in the three different industrial sectors I have worked in, part-time workers have always had a raw deal. It is very much a compromies to work part-time, imom if you are in a professional or management rank.

Original poster
seeker · 01/12/2009 20:31

The discussion I was INTENDING to start was whether the combination of state school and a very high level of parental involvement would give children the same perceived advantages that private education gives them. On the thread that got me thinking about this, people were saying that they didn't understand why the SAH parent didn't go out to work to earn enough money for school fees so obviously they don't think it does. I just wondered what other people think.

However, people on this thread have a much better idea of what I am thinking than I do......!

OP posts:
CertainAge · 01/12/2009 21:30

Maybe parents don't want to be micro-involved in their children's schooling. Perhaps it is more comfortable to them to write out a cheque and feel confident that their children's needs are taken care of.

Why does there have to be one type of parent (just like you, Seeker). Can't we celebrate diversity?

Original poster
seeker · 01/12/2009 22:02

I do wonder whether I have pissed you off in RL somehow, CertainAge - I'm struggling to find an explanation otherwise!

OP posts:
CertainAge · 01/12/2009 22:03

Not at all, Seeker. If anything, I feel sorry for you.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2009 22:22

People seem to be very sensitive to criticism over education. I am happy with my choices and so I don't feel that I have to justify them, or expect everyone to do the same. In different circumstances I would have made different choices; with different DCs I might have made different choices. People do what suits them best-and hopefully, what suits their DC best.

Original poster
seeker · 01/12/2009 22:33

Please don't waste your sympathy, But any explanations gratefully received!

OP posts:
CitizenPrecious · 01/12/2009 22:37

Like that "can't we just celebrate diversity?"

CertainAge · 02/12/2009 06:27

Explain what? Why you wonder if you have pissed me off in RL?

Given that I don't believe I have ever met you, then I think you are going to have to be the one to offer the explanation of why you are wondering that, because I am wondering nothing.

Original poster
seeker · 02/12/2009 07:22

So how come the personal attacks?

OP posts:
CertainAge · 02/12/2009 07:27

Huh?

Bonsoir · 02/12/2009 07:48

No dolly, I am not your friend . I don't know why you are bothering entering the bilingual debate (which is amply covered here on MN as well as in a multitude of other places) when you have absolutely no understanding of what it entails. You would be a better poster if you didn't take strong positions on issues about which you are completely ignorant.

Bonsoir · 02/12/2009 07:54

IME, my DSSs (who are 12 and 14) have required a lot more quality parental time since they have been in secondary school than they did when they were at primary. They are both intelligent boys (in DSS2's case, very intelligent) who do their homework consientiously and without needing to be reminded - the parental quality time is not about getting them to do the basics, it is about being there to help them understand the context of their lives and what they are expected to do. Something their nanny could not do at all.

Litchick · 02/12/2009 09:09

That's interesting Bonsoir. My children are not yet 11 and in my foolish mind I had thought they would soon start to need much less input.
I suspect it's hope over reality.

Though again I suppose much depends on the children's personality types.