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Education

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Original poster

Which do you think would be most beneficial to children....

114 replies

seeker · 30/11/2009 19:18

....two working parents and a private education, or one working parent, a state education, and a parent at the school gate every morning and afternoon, a parent at every assembly, performance, match and parents evening, and around every afternoon/evening and every holiday. Discuss.

OP posts:

Earthstar · 30/11/2009 21:38

My parents chose the first option, it wasn't great for me so I chose the second option for dd... I work 23 hours around school hours.

My dd is very happy but we are much worse off materially as a result of me not working full time; who knows what is really best but I am happy that I made the right choice for our family whereas I was unhappy with my parents' choice for me, as was my brother.

piscesmoon · 30/11/2009 22:15

I prefer the second-but it depends entirely on the DC. I don't think that you can generalise on education-one size doesn't fit all, not even in the same family.

Original poster

seeker · 01/12/2009 05:40

I agree that theoretically it depends, among other things, on the child. Problem is, it's a bit difficult to tell at 3 what sort of child you've got.

OP posts:

CertainAge · 01/12/2009 05:48

Do children at private schools not get dropped off and picked up from school?

Do their parents not go to parents' evenings?

Is it worth giving up a career so you can go to a totally painful assembly lasting all of 15 minutes once a term?

Have you ever seen a match at a private school (at least they have matches), and if so, how did you fail to spot the parents. Did you miss Match Tea?

Original poster

seeker · 01/12/2009 06:18

Parents who work full time find it very hard to do these things. That is not a positive or a negative statement, it is simply a fact.

OP posts:

CertainAge · 01/12/2009 06:52

It's irresponsible to plan your whole household/career/future based on a attending a few primary school assemblies. There are many, many better reasons for being a SAHM than that.

It is a great relief, actually, to be working and not have to attend assemblies! Even when I was a SAHM, I didn't go to these (after the first few when I was naive).

Original poster

seeker · 01/12/2009 07:07

Did I say that anyone should?

OP posts:

CertainAge · 01/12/2009 07:14

I suspect you were being smug in your OP by saying, 'look at me, I am better than you, ha ha ha'.

No serious choice that a parent makes comes without both its benefits and drawbacks. No important decision leads to a life that is easy all the time. It's OK to have a life with hard bits - it's what gives us strength and character.

You can't possibly say that what was a better set of choices for you is automatically a better set of choices for everyone. And that is something to be thankful for. It would be a pretty dull world if we were all clones of one another.

Original poster

seeker · 01/12/2009 07:25

You have absolutely no idea what my personal circumstances are. Let's make a deal - I won't suggest that you are defensive if you don't repeat the unfounded accusation of smugness.

This thread was a follow on from one about private/state education. I have no need to have my choices validated by strangers on the internet. I am, however, interested in people's attitudes to child reading and the thinking behind their decisions.

OP posts:

bloss · 01/12/2009 07:38

Message withdrawn

SeeYouAtDartsDarling · 01/12/2009 07:40

I work at an independent school and all the children in my Reception class are collected by their parents or Grans, all the children will have someone at the nativity next week and they are too young yet for fixtures.

Private schools usually work around families' commitments rather than turfing the children out at 3pm. Whilst many parents work full time, they are not uncaring people and still support their children's development.

Seeker, you have made it very clear in the past that your daughter goes to a Grammar school so CertainAges' suspicion of smugness does have a ring of truth, whether you like it or not.

nickschick · 01/12/2009 07:51

When my eldest 2 were at primary school I used to attend all the assemblies and plays and stuff,quite a few of my friends didnt either cos it wasnt something they liked to do or because they had other commitments.

The head teacher spoke to me one day and told me that after speaking to a few of the children praised in assembly shed asked them if their mum or dad had seen them......no my mums at xxxx no my dads at xxxx at least half replied but Mrs Nickschick came to see me,she gave me her special smile they all said proudly .

So even though in effect Id been there for my own children these other children thought I was there for them too- so you see it really doesnt matter if you can get to these assemblies cos there will always be someone there who your dc know,really I suspect (ime at least a lot of the 'being there' is for our own conscience).

We havent had dc at the primary school now for 4 years and im frequently invited in for assemblies and plays etc.

All any parent can do is their best.

ABetaDad · 01/12/2009 07:51

seeker - our children take great comfort from us both being there when they come home. They also go to an independent school. There are plenty of parents both working to cover the fees and plenty of cases where the person picking up the child is a Grandparent.

One case I know though is of a boy age 9 who takes himself to/from school and his parents are really hardly ever there for him. His mother is a teacher and I really do think he is neglected and unhappy.

I agree with what SeeYouAtDartsDarling said about how independent school work around parents but only up to a point. They expect a lot of parent input too. If I am honest, I think our school just assumes there is a SAHM to do all the plays, parents evening, tombola prizes, cake baking, homework help, reading, school play, etc, etc.

My view is that one parent or Grandparent at least has to have a flexible enough job/life to prioritise the children regardless of what kind of school it is.

Original poster

seeker · 01/12/2009 08:32

"The OP sounds like it desperately wants a particular answer."

Nope. If if does, I phrased it wrongly. I wanted discussion. As I said, the
two options were posted as alternatives on another thread and I thought it was worth extracting the idea and putting it up for debate.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 01/12/2009 08:40

seeker - I completely understand you wanting this discussion about the work and schooling decisions a family takes in order to make the best possible educational decisions. However, there are many more variables to this question than the ones that you outlined in the OP, and few families have the full range of variables open to them.

senua · 01/12/2009 08:41

"she is also a busy busy person who has some kind of activity every night after school. It is impossible to do that if you are working."

Erm, why do you think that? I managed to get the DC to all sorts of activities whilst being a WOHM.

Seeker: if you really wanted a genuine debate you should have name-changed. Everyone knows that you are a SAHM and thus come to the OP with an agenda. FWIW, I think that the OP is too polarised, too sweeping: no-one's life is that uncomplicated. Most peoples' lives are somewhere on the sliding scale.
The answer is 'it depends'

piscesmoon · 01/12/2009 08:46

I don't think that you can discuss in general-it depends on the DC. There seems to be a view that there is the ideal way to bring up a DC which is impossible-what is ideal to one DC would be hated by another. It starts right at babyhood-those who co sleep for example think that it is necessary for the emotional health of the DC-ignoring the fact that some babies like peace and quiet and their own space. It goes on from there-if someone makes a choice in child rearing that suits them they are quick to tell everyone else it is the way and other people are just as quick to knock it down!
I am against selective education, however if I had a DC who was obviously suited to that type of education then I would give them the chance.
I wouldn't select boarding school but I have friends in the forces and it has been a better option than moving the DC every 2 years. I have friends who were moved every 2 years as DCs and it has had an adverse effect on them.
My mother was a SAHM and she made a good job of it, but when she eventually got a job she seemed much happier to me (I was 14 at the time)and I can't help wondering whether she would have been better doing it earlier.
If I had stayed living in my last area I would have shunned the local schools and paid for DSs education which would have meant me working full time.
As it was we moved, have good comprehensives and I loved being a SAHM. You can only say what suits you-or more importantly your DC.

Litchick · 01/12/2009 08:48

It all depends on so many variables doesn't it?

My DCs get both - indie school and me to pick up, attend matches etc, because I work from home and flexibly.
We live in a very well heeled area and many/most of the Mums either don't work or do so part time. Certainly every event is massively well attended.

If you had asked me ten years ago whether independent school was worth working for in itself I'd have probably said no. There are many good reasons to work, but paying for school?????
But now I've experienced it, and also have hands on experience of the local primary, I might be swayed. I cannot deny how much better it is.

Hmmmmm. Wouldn't want to be put in that position.

senua · 01/12/2009 08:50

Can I also have a hollow larf at "a parent ... around every holiday"? When my hours were more inflexible and I had to have holiday clubs (which the DCs loved BTW) they used to be full of the DC of SAHM. The kids were bored of being at home with said SAHM and needed some external stimulation. It used to annoy me no end as they took up the places of those that needed them. It also seemed a bit rich to justify your place in life as "always there" for the DC and then pay to farm them out at precisely the point when they should had being doing their uber-mummy routine. \rant over

Litchick · 01/12/2009 08:50

And I've chosen to ignore the 'give me a pat' tone of the OP and assumed you actually wanted an answer.

abra1d · 01/12/2009 08:52

'One case I know though is of a boy age 9 who takes himself to/from school and his parents are really hardly ever there for him. His mother is a teacher and I really do think he is neglected and unhappy.'

I don't think getting yourself to school alone is necessarily a sign of neglect, though. That's what mine have done since they were about five--they've been plonked on the school bus. We could have driven them in but we think that's bad for a lot of reasons. (Though I do collect twice a week: good chance to catch up.)

Bonsoir · 01/12/2009 08:55

In all honesty, I would not want my DD to attend the state schools that my DSSs have attended/attend, and would go a long way in order to pay the fees, including working FT and getting a nanny...

Litchick · 01/12/2009 08:58

PM - you've hit the nail on the head.
There is no one way to bring up a family that's 'right'.
So many things work, so many things don't work. We use what's available to us no?

One of the happiest families I know don't have a Dad at all. He died. Mum works, of course. They are very cool and it works well. Her son is adorable and very happy.
I know another family where both parents work and it's awful to behold. They don't attend anything, not even on weekends. The DCs are miserable.
It's all about how you manage your situation not the situation itself no?

Litchick · 01/12/2009 09:01

Also, Lord save us from those parents who are so convinced that they have found the only right way and that everyone shoudl adopt it.

How will they feel if their circumstances were to change and they have to provide an 'inferior' family life?

piscesmoon · 01/12/2009 09:06

'Lord save us from those parents who are so convinced that they have found the only right way and that everyone shoudl adopt it.'

I echo that! It is the thing that I find most annoying about mumsnet!

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