Two thirds off fees but still not sure

[discountmum]

Hi, just wondered if anyone had any thoughts about a school dilemma.

I've been offered an admin job at a public school, which comes with an impressive two thirds fee discount. It's still a very expensive school, though, and I'm worried not only that we will still struggle to find the fees but that if I lost my job for any reason we'd have to pull all the children out straight away which is a bit of an oppressive worry for the next 15 years or so.

Also, it's mainly a boarding school, with quite a few overseas pupils, so I'm a bit worried that my children wouldn't have a decent pool of local friends friends to choose from. Plus my worries about them feeling like the "poor relations" amongst their very wealthy school friends and developing life long inadequacy issues.

On top of this, my own salary would be low and all of it would be used to make up the fees shortfall, meaning no way to save for my own pension etc, which my children might not thank me for later.

I'm in a bit of a quandry about it, as it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for my children to get a fabulous education in beautiful surroundings but there are drawbacks. If I don't go for it, we are faced with complications and uncertainties to do with grammar schools etc (no obvious good local comprehensive).

Any thoughts?

the prep school my dds attend have a lot of staff children , my dd1 in a year of 26 has at least 5 i can htink of so i don't think your children woudl be alone . at most schools however prestigous there would be a mix of wealth , some parents rolling it to some parents strugglign to pay fees, not every child htere will have holiday homes and every gadget under the sun. can you go round the school as a prospective parent and try to see it from that angle . ie imagine you could just meet the fees and were considering it ( without the job)

Good idea mummydoc, in fact I've just emailed DH with very same thoughts.

go along with the midnset "as we can just mange the fees and taking into account the sacrifices needed would we send the kids here". I am lucky and jave a well paid job , as does dh, but we still make sacrifices to educate our children . to us it is what we want to spend our money on, but that is not everyones choice. good luck in oyur descion ( as you can see my hideously expensive education at prestigous boarding school did nothing for my typing skills!)

Hi, my first thought is that you don't sound keen on the idea and quite fearful. Mummydoc gives sound advice IMO.

I am sure they wouldn't feel inadequate with support and encouragement from you and the strength they would draw from your own belief and value systems as a family.

I'd be inclined to take a risk and enjoy the journey and adventure.

Thanks both of you. I am pretty fearful, yes, it would be lovely if we had a nice safety net like rich grandparents or something. It's the thought of having to take them out that scares me most.

When does the job start?

Could you perhaps leave the children where they are till next Sept then decide? By then you would prob be out of provbationary period so feeling more secure in the job and would know the school better too

Work there for year and see how you feel about the place.

You are very fortunate to have 2/3 off fees. That is probably worth more than your actual salary.

To be honest- and I may well get flamed here: MY feeling is that your DCs would always feel like the poor country cousins. I mean, when it comes down to the nuts and bolts, support and encouragement are all well and good but this particular school sounds like Major League, the sort of school where there are possibly few parents who give a second's thought to having to scrimp for the fees?

I think you are wise to consider the thing about HOW wealthy the other DCs are. This doesn't sound like the nearest town's token private school to me: this sounds like 'Trust Fund' and 'villas in St Lucia' territory. The wealthy live differently to the rest of us!

I think it's important to feel part of a school community, especially for the DCs. In an expensive, prestigious school, keeping up with the other DCs could well involve major expense: ski trips, hosting summer villa holidays, top of the range gadgets, flash clothing (especially if you have DDs to think about!).

Of course I know there will be a barrage of posters now telling me how they spend their last razoo on their DCs education because, after all, only 'the best' is good enough and to do otherwise is tantamount to child abuse, BUT in my experience regarding a £11,500 pa day school (probably cheap by the standards of what you're up against!), there is no doubt there IS a pecking order, the DSs in question DO feel poor against their peers and the wealthy parents DO patronise the small pool of strugglers.

Finally, I think it will be far harder for your DCs to adapt back to the state sector should this job not last. I know it is a counsel of despair: ie 'Don't do it in case you fail' but I think it's a serious issue.

i think your concerns are justified

Where are you?

My DD1 and DS2 went to private (boarding) schools on an Assisted Place. I would say hand on heart that the only people who ever felt inadequate were me and DH. DD's friends were so lovely and just accepted that she wasn't in their league financially.

We had to travel 20 miles to school so they had no "local" friends either. It was never a problem.

DD1 went to state (grammar) for 6th form because we couldn't afford to keep her there but had little trouble adapting. DS2's Assisted Place was for Juniors only so he went on to state grammar at 11. It was a bit of a culture shock for him but he survived

Sounds like a real bargain financially!

But it's only a bargain if you really want it, i.e. is this the best school for your dc?

Is this the sort of education you would be thinking about for them without the new job (if you had the money, of course)?

As an insider you will have a great opportunity to get a proper "feel" for what the school is really like, atmosphere, pupils, parents etc and be able to make a good "gut feel" decision.

What do your dcs say about it?

The only wealthy parents that I know that look down their nose at those who are less wealthy are frankly not worth knowing!
To survive in a middle class school or job, you need to be open minded IMO. This goes as much for others as yourself and if you feel that your child would be compromised by being the poorest in the class then the problem is quite honestly either your own or a problem with the school culture (in which case I wouldn't even want to work there let alone send my DC's)
[hides behind the sofa quick!]

If I were you, my biggest issue would be in that the school is mainly a boarding school. I went to a very prestigious, predominantly boys boarding school, as a day pupil and a girl. The day pupils were very definitely looked down on by a small, but vocal minority of boarders, and tended to keep themselves to themselves to a certain extent. Being a girl helped, as being heavily outnumbered 5-1 we were generally quite popular... but my brother felt quite belittled by it and took it as a personal attack which knocked his confidence hugely as a teenager.
I completely agree with the sentiments expressed about those looking down their noses being not worth knowing, however if this is coming from the pupils rather than the parents then it's hard for the children to avoid on a daily basis.
I don't know what to suggest really - on one hand it could be a really fantastic opportunity for your children, on the other I think your concerns are fully justified. Gut instinct is the way to go I think...Good luck.

How old are the children? Why not try and save some money for a few years and see how it goes, with a view to putting the children in the private school for secondary?

Thanks very much for all the posts, giving both some pros and cons.

ampere, yes it is a Major League sort of school, although not Premiership. The fees for day pupils are considerably more than £11,500 pa, let alone the boarders!

elvis, I better not say where I am (paranoid). There are state options, but too competitive to be relied on.

Pugs and others, I am sure my own insecurities are affecting me, having felt somewhat the poor relation in my own private school. Having said that, I am also sure that my education gave me great benefits. DH went to more of a Major League type of school, but from a more stable financial background, so he doesn't have the same worries. His are more focused on the practical issues as to how we would manage if I lost my job.

Bluey- the children are still too young to be consulted, it's down to us. It is the sort of school that I would choose in the sense that it has the usual benefits of a public school- small class sizes, excellent facilities etc. My main feeling is that the children would have a greater chance of achieving their full potential as individuals there, be that art, music, sport, academics, whatever. The state junior school they currently attend is also excellent (lovely children, middle class pushy parents, dedicated staff), but having helped out there I do feel the teachers are up against it with class sizes of 30 plus.

Runout, yes the boarding thing is as much a concern as any. The day pupils are in a minority, and a good number of the boarders are from overseas (although this may help with regard to the wealth thing, as the children just wouldn't relate to Russian/Chinese billionaires!). We know quite a few ex boarders and they mostly say "don't be a day pupil in a boarding school".

Roisin, it's not really possible for us to save up for secondary for practical reasons, although I can see the logic.

Well, if anyone has managed to get through all this and has any more advice, please go ahead! Thanks.

Only go for it if you can manage without a struggle. Is there any chance in the future that your income would improve dramatically to make things manageable?

I would definitely start at the school and see how you find it both as a job and school for your DCS before moving them there.

I think I would share your apprehensions. I think if you are reasonably happy with the current school I wouldn't rush to move your children.

Does the school in question go up to 18. If so maybe you could move the DCs there at 11.

I would absolutely stay with your current school if you are pretty happy with it.

I must admit I'm a bit confused as to why you can't start saving up for secondary? If you could possibly start paying school fees now - though it would stretch you - why not start putting this money aside now, to ease the burden if/when the children do start at school?

We expected to have to pay for secondary education for my two boys. We calculated that (by being very cautious and economical) we could afford fees for one of them at the school at a time. But for 3 years they would both be at school at the same time. So from 4 years before ds1 expecting to start at the school, we started putting aside money each month into a savings account, specifically as a buffer for the time when we had them both at the school. But also this was the time when I went back into full-time paid work, and we didn't want to get used to having my additional salary as additional disposable income. So it gave us a good idea as to how reasonable it would be for us to afford school fees in the future.

Do you have to decide now? Could you work there for a year, talk to other staff members who have children there about how they find it and also get a sense of what the other children are like? You could also bring in your children on family social occasions so they get used to the place too. And then decide.

Agree with the suggestion of working there for a year first.

Two thirds off is a good deal - but remember, something is only a bargain if you actually want it! Would this be your school of choice regardless, or are you thinking that the fee remission seems too good to be true, and therefore you ought to opt for it?

A year will give you time to find out more - and equally importantly, whether YOU are happy and stimulated in the job. The last thing you want is to be tied to a job for many years which might not be what you want.

Sadly it's not possible for me to test run the school first for a year. The reason is that it would involve a move, and not geographically possible to keep the children where they are. We would all have to move at the same time and hope for the best.

The way I have imagined affording it is that we would downsize as much as reasonable in our new house, and my (very small) salary would all go towards the fees. We could also make savings in terms of holidays, as these have been rather excessive in recent years.

However there is no hiding away from the fact that it would be an ongoing financial struggle, and I would be tied to the job preventing me from reaching my full earning capacity elsewhere. It's possible that DH's salary may go up, but not guaranteed.

It's very, very difficult mostly to do with the secondaries where we are (the junior side of things is fine). If they failed the 11 plus we would probably aim for private education anyway, this time with no discount!

As to whether I would pick this particular school without the discount, probably not as it is very traditional and exclusive. I would probably go for more of a middling, average sort of private school. However, there is no doubt that it would provide my children with a first rate education, and without it our secondary alternatives seem pretty uncertain and worrying.

I meant to add that the school isn't amazing academically, it seems to be more about the range of facilities, sense of tradition and the beautiful surroundings. This may be a positive aspect, as the DC are varied in their abilities so far.

I'd be particularly interested to hear from anyone that may have been in a similar situation in the past ie having doubts but then proceeding, and whether they thought it was all worthwhile in the end or the road to ruin...

I sympathise about your situation re secondary schools!

Dd went through the 11+ agony system and passed, but we all thought she would do better in the more nurturing evironment of private education she is well-settled in a lovely independent school.

I would be concerned that you say you probably would not choose this school without the discount. I think your answer lies in that statement tbh.

I'd also be worried about being tied to a job for so many years. That could turn out to be a huge sacrifice on your part if, for any number of reasons, you weren't happy.

It's a big thing to move as well if things didn't work out, unless the new area had a better state option that you could fall back on if the new school didn't work out.

"Fitting in" at a school is paramount imo. If children are happy, then most other things fall into place. You need to listen to your heart about whether they would fit in and be happy, and not just your head re the financial benefits!

Hope someone posts about keeping up financially (not an issue here, fortunately).

Wishing you well.

My cousins went to a boarding school as my aunt and uncle were both teachers at the school and my aunt was the housemistress. It is probably the sort of school you are talking about with lots of overseas students.

They have both thrived academically and have done well job wise.

The people who have found it tricky are my aunt and uncle as money has definitely been the be and all for one of my cousins and he has made most of his career decisions based on how much he can earn. Some of his attitudes towards money have been quite odd and definitely an expert at freeloading. Also they seem to exist in a sort of boarding school mentality, moving in large packs with their well connected and high earning friends.

On the plus side, they are great socialisers, move easily in professional world and have friends all over the world.

I would take it but not if it cripples you financially. If you are going to worry constantly at making ends meet, I don't think it's worth it. Children pick up on that sort of financial stress and I'm not sure a private education is worth it (if it means being financially crippled for years).