Teaching dd to read-help!

[Pawslikepaddington]

Am wanting to help school teach dd to read, as she is just not "getting it". She loves to write, and recognises most letters so I can spell words out to her letter by letter (the super adventures of bertie botious the bear being yesterdays-I got stuck half way through!), but reading really upsets her, so I have taken to reading her reading books to her as bedtime stories. She enjoys this (we do a "proper" story afterwards) and occasionally joins in, but her reading diary at school just says "refused to read" repeatedly, i.e. in every entry. If she finds out she is "reading" she totally flips out. How can I show her she is old enough/clever enough/able enough to read? She is a bright little cookie, but seems to have some reading phobia I cannot get to the bottom of!

Thanks lazy-had a teacher parent consultation and it was not good! In fact, it was awful! Am now pulling out all the stops to get her to like letters, just so the next one won't be as bad!!

pawslikepaddington -my DS started reception in January and he sounds very similar to your DD apart from his "refusal" is writing. He'll write his name but refuses point blank to write anything else.

The teacher isn't overly worried about it at the moment but just said to try different approaches at home (and she'll do the same in school) -"learning by stealth" which it sounds like you are doing with the reading.

I think DS's problem is that he doesn't like to be "wrong" and doesn't like failing so is avoiding the whole writing thing for fear of getting it wrong -is this your DDs problem do you think?

That's what the teacher said-she is scared of getting anything wrong, but apparently she has like an autistic response to being asked to read!! Argh!

6h, please don't "pull out all the stops"! In lots of countries - most with a much better standard of literacy than the UK, she wouldn't even be at formal school yet, never mind being expected to learn to read! Please relax. She's taking in "training data" whenever she hears you read to her, and she's processing it. She'll read when she's ready. Tell the school to back off. How dare they criticise a child of this age for not being able to read, and for not liking being shouted at.

I know, it has made me really upset, but I was in there for over half an hour-and apparently she seems to completely introvert when asked to read-it was getting to the point where they were insinuating there was something wrong with her behaviourally-she is very eloquent and expressive normally-I feel so .

You need to be brave and strong and advocate for her. As I said, most children can't read in Reception - it's very unusual to have a fluent reader at this age. And the more she's pressured, the more she'll dig her heels in. Honestly, back off, tell them to, and this time next year she'll be reading Jacqueline Wilson - and we'll have another debate about suitable reading matter for 6 year olds!

Thanks Seeker-I just couldn't believe what she was saying! I saw my friend afterwards, who said she must be talking about a different child too. Poor dd-she was in the room when the teacher was saying all this, and just melted into floods of tears on the kitchen floor . Have got tons out of the library this pm though, and she LOVES Go Dog Go (Dr Seuss), so will read that most nights for a few weeks, alongside the many other (proper bedtime books) we picked. Poor dd, am worried she has been labelled the difficult child now-she isn't autistic, I know her, she is just scared of failure!

You've posted before how bright your dd is so maybe the school don't really know how to handle behaviour that goes against how she normally is. What worked, eventually, for my ds was the teacher backing off reading completely for a while. At this age the more you push the more they resist.

Why was she there at the parent/teacher meeting? I would never address any concerns I had about my ds in front of him unless I wanted him to contribute in some way. Was that the reason? Seems odd to me.

I varied what I read to ds, usual story books, some he could read if he wanted, some more complicated. Not every night but a few times a week I'd say in passing how nice it would be when he read to me at bedtime rather than the other way round. More of a drip drip effect, sowing a few seeds which eventually did the trick. I reckon we lost a term's worth of reading so you may need to be patient.

Forgot to comment on that. My dd's school insists that the children are present at parent's evening - but that's a secondary school - and I'm not completly happy with that. I certainly wouldn't take a primary child to a parent's evening. Paddington - I think you should refuse next time.

There was nowhere else for her to go, as the door to the playground had been locked as it was 4.30, so she had to sit in with me. That's the thing-the teacher spent ages talking to me about how they were at a loss how to cope with her, asking how I addressed it, and telling me how they did. Then on the way out by the door there was a height chart, going from 1 to 150 in 5's then 10's, that dd had done all by herself! It wasn't even mentioned until dd said she had done it on the way out, and the teacher then said "Oh yes, dd did that in maths week. She asked if glitter took in light or gave it off during science week too". And that was it. Maybe dd had refused to read in the afternoon so it was all they could remember, but my heart broke for her!

I feel like jumping up and down and shouting at the computer Is the teacher newly qualified? It wouldn't be an excuse,not really but I'm trying to work out how she can spout such nonsense...

Your poor dd and you. Honestly, learning shouldn't be like this. Your dd has only just started school, it's all relatively new, lots to learn, and she is still finding her feet. By putting on the pressure, her teacher is ensuring she sees school as a place where you struggle, not somewhere to learn when you are ready

Children come in all shapes and sizes, with different interests and abilities. Some children start at a sprint and level off, and others take a while to get going but then often overtake the others. It sounds like your dd is doing just fine, but if you are worried at all, what are the school going to do to support you and your dd????

Sorry X-posts. Your dd is clearly not struggling. I think she's probably going to surprise them by waiting until she can read fluently before deigning to read with them!

The school is known for dc's not reading until yr2/3, so think they are putting the pressure on. Have had a huge cuddle with her this evening, and had a chat with her, and told her I don't care about her reading, as long as she loves me and I love her, and eventually she calmed down and said she would be ok if she could have a plaster!

Right, bed bed bed bed bed bed bed!! I need bed! Really badly! You fountains of wisdom, thank you so much xx

Paws, whilst addressing the reading problem are you also going to address the fear-of-failure problem? Perfectionism can be a real barrier when they get older. She needs to learn that it is acceptable to struggle with things, that no-one expects her to get things right first time, that sometimes 'not perfect, but good enough' is sufficient.
Sport and music are the classic ways of getting them to realise that they may not have the inborn ability but they will improve if they practice, practice, practice. It also teaches them to lose/fail with good grace.

Don't panic! Keep reading to her, get unabridged proper books on tape out of the library, make sure she's not being stressed at school about it (switch schools or school systems if you have to, or home school if you can) and let her find her way to it. In time, she will "get it". She might be 13, but she will get there. The important thing is that she not feel like a failure and that she continue absorbing information appropriate for her age (as in- humanities, science etc) remember that the reading is just the tool, not the end result, so preserving her love of learning is essential. Eventually she will understand that she can't learn what she wants to without the right tool.

My ds wouldn't read his school book for a long time when he was in reception. As soon as he saw his blue reading bag he would run away! He did enjoy taking himself off to look at books, so we just backed off completely, and only looked at the pictures. Sorry the school are pressuring her so much, perhaps it is worth taking this to the head of year if they continue to do so?

I agree there is some fantastic advice here on mumsnet!

Am going to try to address the fear of failure through sport if poss, as she doesn't get as anxious when "sporting". I know she def has a fear of getting things wrong, as I do too, and can see the signs in her. Mumsnet really is a life line-has saved me from many a breakdown!!

it is ridiculous that your dd is being stressed out like this. I am a volunteer in a local primary, helping children who are in the more senior classes but stll struggling. Often they have suffered a catastrophic loss of confidence somewhere along the line. As others have said, the best thing for you to do is read to her lots so she sees books as fun. If you want to help her, get an alphabet frieze and/or Letterland and go through the sounds with her. A few minutes only, followed by a game of her choice so there is something in it for her. I wouldn't go for letter based games though as this will not seem like fun! Are the Puddle Lane books still available? They are "look and say" rather than phonics, but beautifully illustrated. Mum reads the left page and child reads the right hand side - one word to start with. My stroppy reader loved them. Remember your job is to provide the love and the reassurance, Let the school do the hassle.

Ah, I remember those endless evenings, with dd staring at the ceiling, or in the corner or at the door or anywhere anywhere anywhere except at the wretched book. In the ends I did what Seeker suggests and backed off.

Dd is now 12 and has just finished Vanity Fair. I suggested David Copperfield for her next read. 'But I've read that.' What about Jane Austen? 'But I've read those.' I don't like to suggest War and Peace, as I don't want to hear her answer, never having made my own way through the whole tome.

Moral: there is absolutely no need to stress out about a 5yo's non-reading.

I'm a reception teacher I would like to ask what reading scheme the school uses and how long your daughter has been in school. Do you know how many sounds she knows?

Don't push it she has got plenty of time learn to read. Here in Wales they are doing the foundation Phase in Reception and the children are doing a lot of learning through play. Yes they have some structured lessons but the overall concept is that every child will learn art thier own pace.