Do you praise reward your child for working hard or for getting good results

[Reallytired]

I think its better for children to be praised for working hard, rather than necessarily being in the top sets or getting A*s etc. IMHO this is true of a child of any ablity whether they are gifted and talented or on the SEN register.

Infact I think it can be equally destructive to tell a child they are clever and gifted as to tell them they are stupid.

Yep, tend to agree with you, reallytired. Have you read Alfie Kohn on this; he puts it really well. Makes a lot of sense; children who are praised for 'being clever' can actually sabotage themselves because then if they 'fail' they can tell themselves 'I'm still really clever (the thing I get all the praise/ love for); I just wasn't trying'. And I do have one child who's g&t and one who has sn.

Hmm, I agree that you should praised for effort.

But why is it destructive to tell a child they are clever. If they are, they know it!

Without being gifted, I have never had any difficulty with academic work. My parents used to say something along the lines that it would be a waste not to try my hardest and reach my full potential at school, particularly because I was intelligent.

We used to get certificates of merit (for working hard) and certificates of excellence (for achievement) at secondary school.

Both. If my DD gets into the top set it will mean she has worked really hard. So I praise both. None of my DC find any school work easy so success only really follows a bit of graft.

Acknowledging that a child is clever isn't the same as praising them for being clever.

Yes, otherside is right.

I praise them for hard work. I do praise them for achievement too, but usually in the manner of 'that's fantastic you did so well in your spelling test because I know how hard you worked to learn those spellings.'
On the other hand when DD1 came home and told me that she got top of her class for the science test she 'forgot' to revise for I wasn't quite so enthusiastic. Although I did say well done, of course.

I always praise for effort because that is what matters.

Why praise a bright child for doing well??? As say that as a Mum who has one very academically able child.

I'm also far more concerned about their attitudes and treatment of others than how they do at school. So lots of praise to dd1 for being more tolerant of her annoying siblings then when she got through competitive entry into her school!

I told my DD the first thing I look at is her effort grades. DD is never going to be a linguist but the fact her German teacher feels that she puts 100% effort in makes me one very proud Mum as Dd finds German rather hard going and could easily just switch off.

As for achievement of course I'm proud when she comes running in to tell me she got so and so level for maths or science. But what I'm most proud of is the fact DD now has the confidence to believe she can achieve high marks if she puts the effort in.

We've always concentrated on praising the "effort" ratings on school reports etc rather than the achievement ones, as I think that's more important. But I agree with otherside, that there's no harm done in acknowledging that they are clever or talented or have achieved things. We all like to have our achievements praised by people we care about, though obviously not in a way that makes it sound like we value the achievement rather than the person.

I think there is evidence that this is the case - I remember reading a study where praising the children for being clever was countr-productive, as they were then scared to fail. Praising for effort was more successful.

DS gets praised for effort. He's very bright and finds school work easy, but probably because of this he is easily distracted from homework. I find that a little praise (you're writing very neatly, nice colouring, etc)helps keep him focused and interested.

Honestly, i do both. it is such a tough world out there with others quick to criticise that i take every opportunity ds gives me(e.g.when he has worked hard at something or when has achieved)to praise him.
My view is that if done in the right way and truthfully, kids benefit from the acknowledgment and praise.

Afterall, we all like our efforts to be noted and praised - don't we?

I always praise for effort and where good results come I'll link it back to effort.
I must admit thought that I do praise them for being beautiful which they do with no effort.

I praise and reward for effort and tell them both that they are clever for different reasons. Ds is dyslexic which pulls down his confidence. I don't think it has done him too much harm as at parents evening last week his teachers were telling us (and him) how modest he was about his abilities.
DD on the other hand needs telling she is very clever(all her primary teachers opinions, not just mine) to buck her ideas up, as she is inclined to rush things and her presentation is awful.

Effort always. There may come a time when being bright doesn't cut it and if ds isn't used to making an effort it will come as a shock. Will usually reward a good result but wouldn't offer the reward in advance iyswim.

It depends on the circumstances. If a child is getting good results with no effort, I would praise him but remind him that he is very lucky to be able to do so well with little effort and that life will not always be such a walk in the park.

If a child is expending huge energy and not getting good results I would definitely investigate further to see what the problem is and NOT encourage him to carry on trying so hard so fruitlessly.

Life rewards results not effort (though effort is often a pre-requisite for results).

Both, I think. In an understated way.

You can go too far the other way with intelligent people.

I know a clever person who got a first a uni in the 1990s and their parents said something along the lines of 'well it's easy for you because your clever and they give them out willy nilly nowadays'.

At my ds's school they give marks for effort as well as term grade (not for ds yet as he is only in Reception!).

i don't reward mine for becoming top, but I know what they are capable of and reward them for achieving that. Both my older two struggle academically and will lever be the top set or get straight As but they do get rewards when they have worked hard. My ds3 is far brighter, so I will expect more from him.
Intelligence or stupidity doesn't really come into it, it's abotu the effort they've put in.

I think both, and I say that as an adult who was a bright and hard working child who didn't get praised for effort or achievement because it was just expected that was what I would come up with. I even had to apologise once to a girl who was upset because I got a higher grade than her. It was a bloody joke because I had worked really hard as well as having capability and I wad being made to apologise for being me so that the other girl could feel better about herself. The bottom line of it was that all anyone ever expected of me was academic effort and achievement and no one noticed that I was struggling otherwise. In the end I just opted out of the whole system but that is another story.

I believe a child should be praised for both effort and achievement in everything, not just academically. I do agree with the OP that being told you are gifted can be just as destructive as being told you are stupid, but just in a different way to what the OP meant. I don't think labels help anyone.

I think a bright child knows they are bright, they don't need to be constantly told. No one should be ashamed of achievement, but there is a difference between being quietly proud and out right boasting.

However ablity is always relative. At school I thought I was good at Maths and Physics, at university I realised that my ablity at these subjects was OK, but not exceptional. I needed to work to get a reasonable degree. Doing physics research for a living I realised that everyone had to work hard to achieve anything.

I agree with much that you say Reallytired. But sometimes teachers and parents feel they have to praise/reward achievement to counteract the bullies, who seem to seek out high achievers as potential targets.

We praise for both. I want them to be proud of their achievements, irrespective of what they are in relation to others, but rather what they are in relation to their potential. But I also recognise that the key to success is hard work, perseverance and determination.

Working hard

DS struggles with his handwriting and got an award (in assembly .. parents are allowed in to watch ) for his perseverance

I blubbed

Other stuff that comes easily to him I'm proud of and tell him but that award meant the most.

An interesting one. DS (6) is scarily clever, and does not need to work hard (yet). Everything comes easily and he is top of his class with no effort. He is also a natural musician. So do I praise him just for being born clever/musical? I am not inclined to. Instead, I praise him for things that don't come so naturally, like being thoughtful/kind/sympathetic. He does have to work very hard at that - being clever occupies so much of his brain that he often forgets to think about other people having needs (or even existing) .

DD is very different in every possible way. I think - hope! - I do praise her for doing her best at school. Unlike DS, she is naturally thoughtful - though I do praise her for this anyway!