Help! Ds's teacher has told ds we are "pushing him too hard" and "may be confused" re 11+ whaaaat?

[WideWebWitch]

Ds is ten, will be 11 in October. The 11+ is this October. I have posted before about not being sure whether he's lazy or not that bright, since he doesn't appear to try very hard when we have given him home tuition / 11+ tests and so it's hard to tell. So I went to see his teacher last night as I thought he might have a better idea and asked:

• do you think he's got a chance of passing?
• do you think he's bright enough to be ok if he gets in or am I doing him a disservice giving him tuition and trying to help him pass?
• is there anything else the teacher thinks I should be doing?
• I explained that I have bribed ds and he gets stuff if he passes

The teacher said first of all he was double booked so would have to make it quick, then said he 'would like to see him pass' but that ds lacks concentration sometimes and can be slapdash. I know this. He fails to read questions etc and doesn't answer properly because he hasn't read the Q properly.

To clarify, home tuition meant an 11+ tutor for 9 sessions only last year to teach him how to do the 11+ tests, since then he's had no tuition until recently (a month ago ish) when we've been asking him to do 10 minutes of test questions every night. Also:

• He doesn't have to do them at the weekend
• He only gets about half an hour homework a week.
• He does no afterschool activities.
• He is allowed to laze about a lot at weekends.

We're not pushy parents imo.

ANYWAY, ds came home tonight and said the teacher would like to see me at parents' evening next week as he's concerned we're 'pushing him too hard'. Teacher also said he thinks we may have misunderstood and that 11+ shouldn't be revised for.

Btw, our choices for secondary are:

• pass 11+, lovely school
• alternative school, rubbish, in special measures
• another lovely school but we pay, £880 a month

We could pay but I don't want to have to JUST BECAUSE DS IS LAZY! I don't mind if he doesn't pass if he genuinely tries his best, (I really don't) I just can't bear it to cost me and ex dh £60k or whatever in fees over the next x years because ds CAN'T BE ARSED now, which I think is fair enough.

I already work my fingers to the bone, commute 4.5 hours a day and was looking forward to not paying nursery fees of £800 a month from Sept when dd goes to school.

Wise words much appreciated. I'm tempted to drop teacher an email tonight saying "just to let you know, we're not pushing him hard! It's 10 mins a night! And no tuition since last November!"

Feel v anxious about tihs. TIA for any advice.

You're all going to tell me to wait and see what he says aren't you? I am also concerned that he#s telling ds he needs a break. Because that's not the message we're giving him.

Yes batters, ds didn't know what the hell that meant until he came home and we looked it up so you're right there.

This has been SO SO helpful, I feel much calmer about it. As I walked in the door today I was told this and felt really quite worried about it all.

You are brilliant, this has been fantastic advice.

Sorry misunderstood. In my expeience some teachers are actively anti the 11+ as well so be aware of that.

oh I think I missed half the thread (and therefore the point). I've taught bright but lazy boys and its generally frustrating for everyone (except the boy themselves who is usually so laid back they just don't care).

If you can get a bribe to work go for it.

Glad you feel better about it all now www.
I know you've posted about ds' fondness for the line of least exertion before, bless him, and I think it's all too common in boys this age.

Second the last three posts!

Well, I think the reason he isn't performing Desiderata, is that he's lazy. He can't be arsed. He might want to go to the crappy school as some of his friends are going there. But he's not going there, whatever happens so there's no point in his not trying to pass the exam for that reason.

If the teacher thinks I'm pushy then I guess that's his prerogative, I'm just trying to do what I think is best for my son so maybe that is pushy by some people's definition.

Ds is, I think, (but I don't know for sure, since he doesn't sem to try that hard) bright enough to go to this lovely school. It would be a great shame if he didn't do it out of sheer laziness especially if I could have done something to help him improve/pass.

Well I agree, batters.

Which is why I think the 11+ is ideally suited to students from all backgrounds who can pass it with ease.

It is supposed to single out academic children. These days, it seems to depend on how much money you have at hand to pay for private tuition, etc.

Pressure all round, imo, and life's way too short.

Of course, don't underestimate the other factor here; namely, the classmates who are heading to the other school. They might be tough rivals.
Or, your son could be secretly nursing a fear of not being good enough, cunningly disguised as being a lazy sod. My son will only try hard at things he is good at. He's fiercely competitive, but only if he's in with a chance of being one of the best. If he sees too many who are as good or better than him, he'll drop out of the race. It hasn't proved too much of a problem at school academically (so far!!) because he's reasonably able, but most sports.... forget it. Not a team player at all. It might be easier for your DS to drop down a few gears to match his mates, than to risk failure by going for gold.
Just a theory..... not much practical help, sorry.

Yes true about 10yo boys and thanks jimjams! Thanks bamboo, didn't occur to me but yes, teacher could be fairly anti it.

Is it possible (clutching at straws here), that he appears to be lazy, but the information is actually being absorbed?

Some kids don't appear to do any revision, but can pass exams with ease. What's your insight into his education so far? Could he be one of these? ... which might explain why he's being a bit 'obstructive?'

Clam, that's very interesting. And ds IS very motivated IF he thinks he can win. He didn't want me to go to sports day because he's not very good at running and knew he wouldn't win anything. We talked about how even if he came last it wouldn't be the end of the world and it wouldn't matter as long as he'd tried and had fun, plus I pointed out that nobody would be thinking about how ds had performed, because people were mainly just thinking about themselves and their own performance.

I'm not sure the teacher has said www is a pushy parent, tbh. That needs clarifying.

Have no advice about the 11+, we decided against DS1 (who would probably have got in) applying for the only selective in our city because we knew DS2 wouldn't hack it, even if he scraped the entrance, but I attended a sink school back in the day and therefore had a fairly crap secondary education. On that basis, I wouldn't blame any parent for wanting more than their local sink school - especially if they have an alternative and think it's right for their child.

Not sure that adds anything to the debate, me being unedyacated.

Desiderata, nope, lovely idea but I think he is just a lazy sod! I know the feeling, I am deep down lazy in my heart but have worked extra hard to compensate over the years.

Yes of course, you've actually met the child in question, haven't you www

eh?

I should think so, Marina. She's his mother

Have you considered telling your son that the only way he can get T.V., PC time, DS time is by doing 15 minutes per night and doing it well?

Some kids only 'get' a work ethic when they really feel the pinch. The ephemeral 'future' prize just doesn't have any effect on their day to day life IYKWIM.

Also, does he have an inkling of what the homework will be like at the 11+ school? Maybe he is actually very clever and just trying to avoid that.

This has been so helpful. I will come back and update the thread when I've spoken to the teacher next week.

An awful lot of the stuff on this thread hadn;'t occurred to me so thank you so much everyone, incredibly helpful. It certainly hadn't crossed my mind that the teacher may not approve of the 11+...

Judge, I daren't tell him how much there is because it isn't going to improve his performance He's not allowed tv or anything until he's done his chores which are:

make packed lunch for next day
have a shower and put pyjamas on
do ten min test

I sometimes wonder if the reason the UK appears to be slipping down the global education league tables is because we are so paranoid about traumatising our kids by suggesting they do some work. Surely the teacher doesnt think you are locking DS in a cold cell each evening, refusing him food and toilet breaks, until he has achieved marks in a test which are beyond his ability? You're asking him to get off his game boy for a few minutes and apply himself to something that will benefit him long term. Of course he can't see that benefit at the moment, but that's our job as parents. In the same way we make them eat vegetables and go to bed at a reasonable time...... Oops! Better go and check lights are out upstairs......

Also, I take it that DS's teacher doesn't have kids of his own yet?

Thanks Clam, no, I don't lock him in a cellar etc etc and you're right. ds's teacher is about 15...

WWW, I agree about the teacher possibly disapproving. Teachers do have strong feelings about other people's school choices. The head of dd1's primary school told me that I was pushing her (he'd obviuosly thought I was a pushy mum since Reception) and that the selective school would be a hot-house and the exam would be too much for her.

She not only got in, she got the highest mark out of all the candidates. And did one single adult in the school congratulate her? They did not. W*nkers.