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Original poster

would you move your y4 child in these circumstances?

39 replies

dundermiffling · 04/03/2026 16:27

Really trying to guage if I'm about to do something daft.

My Y4 child hasn't been happy at school since Y2 - she was bullied terribly and then never fully recovered. She is a bright, outgoing child who has struggled to make friends and has gone from loving school and learning to begging not to go most days . Her class has a high number of behavioural issues which I think has a big impact as teachers are stretched and don't look like they enjoy teaching this class - very different experiences of the same teachers when they were teaching our eldest for example.

I viewed a school 5 miles away today, a 20 minute drive, and nearly didn't go as thought the journey will be a faff, went just in case and was pretty much blown away by the different approach. The school felt calm and children happy, teachers too! The environment was really inviting and they have a very robust behviour policy as a priority - which is one of my biggest issues with the current school which is devoted to making sure every single child however badly behaved is never told off etc.

I could really see my daughter being happy there. Is it too far? Should I keep hoping something shifts for her in her current school? Or do I make this change for her wellbeing and in advance of secondary school which I'm worried will be a huge challenge for her if she has to go there with her confidence any further knocked by her current school experience.

Any wisdom hugely gratefully received! Thanks!

OP posts:
Twilightstarbright · 04/03/2026 16:45

If you can make the commute work I’d move her.

Buscobel · 04/03/2026 17:15

I’m assuming there are places in year 4. If you’re prepared to make the journey, I probably would move her. Bear in mind that it might be more difficult for after school play dates etc and meeting up with friends a bit later on. What is the situation for secondary school?

If you decide to move her, two years in the new school would give her time to establish friendships.

MakeMineAMilkyTea · 04/03/2026 17:39

Move her!

Original poster
dundermiffling · 04/03/2026 18:02

thanks for the replies. There is one space in her year group. The school takes in from quite a wide area so she wouldn't be the only one from outside the village - which I think helps. A few go on from there to our local (walkable) secondary school, where her big sister will be, but they go to a variety of schools so again, I don't think it'd create a situation where she was desperate to go to a different secondary with 'all her friends' - and if she did then I would make it work to be honest as having a very unhappy school child brings its own headaches and heartbreaks! There is also v good before and after school provision which would help things. You can probably tell I'm talking myself into it, but I really don't want to complicate our lives unless it's worth it for her.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 04/03/2026 18:09

You are right to think carefully about it, OP. In general I would always recommend that where possible kids go to their nearest school - it just saves so much hassle especially when they want to do clubs. It really does sound like your daughter is very unhappy I can certainly see what you are considering moving her.

I wouldn’t worry too much about friends and secondary schools - most kids seem to make new friends at secondary.

OhDear111 · 04/03/2026 18:12

I’d take the space and go. My DDs both went to secondary knowing no one. Friendships change a lot and it’s no issue.

MrPickles73 · 04/03/2026 18:56

I'd move. 20mins each way is nothing. One of our children travels 1hr each way minimum..

Original poster
dundermiffling · 05/03/2026 10:20

Thanks for the replies. I was awake for hours in the night last night stressing about it and about doing something we regret either way. Then I dropped her in this morning and saw the girls shunning her and just felt like I don't really have a choice anymore. It's been years of this or versions of it and I can't see that she has anywhere to turn in her current school. I actually mentioned to the teacher on the door and she didn't seem surprised at all, which I also found quite telling.

OP posts:
OhDear111 · 05/03/2026 10:26

@dundermiffling I had a DD who wasn’t invited to parties and never seemed to be in the loop for anything. She noticed. It felt like being shunned. I had made an arrangement with another parent to share lifts to our local music centre and after a few weeks the arrangement and DD were dumped. So I had to make all the journeys and the parent took another child instead. We chose a different secondary school and thank God we did.

Original poster
dundermiffling · 05/03/2026 12:37

@OhDear111 that is so cruel. I hope secondary has been a much brighter picture for you and your daughter.

The parents are definitely culpable in some of it. My daughter was recently publicly uninvited from a party that the mum (who I thought I got on well with) had already been in touch with me about. We'd had her daughter at our house for the whole day a few days before, with a cinema trip etc, but she still felt it okay to ditch my daughter at the last minute. I can just about excuse 9 year olds being daft and thoughtless but not the grown ups too!

OP posts:
OhDear111 · 05/03/2026 13:30

@dundermiffling For us, this was some years ago but we decided secondary was a new start. My DD was very gregarious, and still is. She has loads of friends who have been her friends for years now. I know it wasn’t my DD at primary. I just think parents work in packs and if you don’t fit in, you don’t.

I think maybe you were used when the DD was at your house. Even if not, it must feel like it. Overall it’s like balancing on a high wire! I would say we saw some improvement in y6 as dc made more of their own decisions but bizarrely I was asked to meet a mum for coffee. Turned out she wanted to quiz me on our choice of secondary school. My honest answer would have been: “to get away from people like you”. Didn’t say it of course but so glad DD loved the school we chose.

Starrystarrysky · 05/03/2026 13:34

I would move her. My heart breaks for your little girl and definitely not all schools are like this.

SockOnHoliday · 05/03/2026 16:20

I don’t normally post on things like this but I’m a small number of years ahead with my daughter who had a similar experience but didn’t share it with us explicitly until it had been going on a long time. Girls don’t get nicer to each other in y5/6 and confidence takes a long time to regain. Moving away from the problem girls and parents has helped tremendously here. I can’t comment on the logistics but I’d say it’s worth it and it sounds like you think it can work. Even if it’s trickier it’s only just over two years.

Italiangreyhound · 05/03/2026 16:57

I would move her. Good luck. Xxxx

Italiangreyhound · 05/03/2026 16:57

I would move her. Good luck. Xxxx

arlequin · 05/03/2026 18:30

Definitely move her OP

Needlenardlenoo · 05/03/2026 18:38

Yes

LattePatty · 05/03/2026 18:43

I would rarely respond to say move a child but if you can make the journey work (and it sounds like you can from what you’ve posted) then I’d move her. Two years is both long enough for her to settle well at a new school and too long to be miserable at her current place where the school don’t seem to be handling this at all.

Good luck

user2848502016 · 05/03/2026 18:47

I would move her so she can have a fresh start. If she’s year 4 there are only a couple more years left so if you can manage the extra journey until she’s in secondary I think it would be worth it

Original poster
dundermiffling · 05/03/2026 22:10

I am so grateful for these replies. Thank you. We have accepted the place and I’m taking her to see the school on Monday. She seems quietly interested. Keeping her where she is no longer feels neutral, and I think I’ve given it long enough to try and sort things out without a major change.

OP posts:
SockOnHoliday · 06/03/2026 08:45

Good luck! I hope the visit goes really well. It’s worth keeping in mind that your daughter might feel quite cautious about new friendships but particularly that you might too. I didn’t really think about that aspect myself but I’m hyper sensitive to signs that my DD is getting left out (which hasn’t actually happened to my knowledge since moving schools). I guess the point is this is hard on both your nervous systems so give yourselves time and breathing space. If you remember it would be lovely to hear how you get on.

CelticSilver · 06/03/2026 09:43

As a mother and a teacher - do it yesterday.

skkyelark · 06/03/2026 10:14

Good luck to you and your daughter with the visit and the transition! I agree with everyone else that you're doing the right thing – you've given it a really good go at the present school, and it's just not working.

Original poster
dundermiffling · 06/03/2026 14:42

Thank you all. I needed this support more than I realised. I’ve just had an email from our current school following up after I spoke to them about recent escalations in unkindness and not being allowed to sit in certain places at lunch etc and they’ve come back (again) saying that one of the girls has a ‘moody face’ so may not have meant to offend my child and advised that my daughter has emotional health support to help her deal with low self esteem. Low self esteem she has from being at that school! It was actually helpful as it was the final piece of proof I needed.

OP posts:
user2848502016 · 06/03/2026 17:24

Good luck to your DD, this sounds like it will be really good for her

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