would you move your y4 child in these circumstances?

[dundermiffling]

Really trying to guage if I'm about to do something daft.

My Y4 child hasn't been happy at school since Y2 - she was bullied terribly and then never fully recovered. She is a bright, outgoing child who has struggled to make friends and has gone from loving school and learning to begging not to go most days . Her class has a high number of behavioural issues which I think has a big impact as teachers are stretched and don't look like they enjoy teaching this class - very different experiences of the same teachers when they were teaching our eldest for example.

I viewed a school 5 miles away today, a 20 minute drive, and nearly didn't go as thought the journey will be a faff, went just in case and was pretty much blown away by the different approach. The school felt calm and children happy, teachers too! The environment was really inviting and they have a very robust behviour policy as a priority - which is one of my biggest issues with the current school which is devoted to making sure every single child however badly behaved is never told off etc.

I could really see my daughter being happy there. Is it too far? Should I keep hoping something shifts for her in her current school? Or do I make this change for her wellbeing and in advance of secondary school which I'm worried will be a huge challenge for her if she has to go there with her confidence any further knocked by her current school experience.

Any wisdom hugely gratefully received! Thanks!

You are doing the right thing op. There are awful people everywhere of all ages - but I think different schools have different outlooks and school cultures and priorities, and a certain type will become dominant based on that. If that is kindness then great, but if it is cruelty and disruption then it becomes a vicious cycle. Choose the school where kindness and calmness are the dominant themes. Good luck to your girl

It's often easier to blame the victim than confront the bullies. Sounds like that's where your dd's school is.

I don't think 20 minutes is that bad for commuting. However what I'd say is:

Be prepared to travel. If she's inviting a child back always offer to pick up and drop back. You'll probably find at least half the time the parent says that they'll come, but it means you won't get refusals due to distance.

When she's choosing a party encourage it to be one in that direction, so again the travelling isn't too bad for guests.

And if you find the year tends to go to the nearby park after school be prepared to wait around.

They're little things, but will make a difference to how easy it is for her to socialise with them.

Thanks @MargaretThursday that's good advice. I'll be moving my youngest to the nearby preschool too so it shouldn't be a problem to spend time over that way after school etc. So far she's been quietly positive about the idea of a change, so fingers crossed she gets a good feeling about it on Monday and we can just get cracking.

and yes, I do think they find it easier to deal with the victims so prefer to present it as being about 'building resilience' when I feel like they need to work on building a culture that doesn't require bucketloads of 'resilience' to cope with!

@dundermiffling The schools bullying policy should make it clear what they will do in response to bullying. Not doing anything is not acceptable and of course dc should be spoken to. The school should try and change behaviour. Some parents are not very kind or inclusive either and dc take cues from them.

I think local, walkable schools are usually the best option but as she has been so unhappy for so long, I'd move her if you're sure that you can make the commute work.
I say that as a Mum and as a teacher.

Yes, I definitely would move her if you can make the commute work. Year 4 the hormones ramp up and it can became really nasty for girls if they are already unhappy. Hopefully this will give your DD the new happy start she deserves. No child should be unhappy at primary school. It sounds like a really good move to me. I have seen numerous people move unhappy children in primary and it always worked out for the better and it is never done lightly.

I wanted to update after our visit yesterday - my daughter was very quiet afterwards and I didn't want to push her but I asked what feeling she got there and she said 'it was so calm'. About twenty minutes later she asked me if she could start there on Monday - which she can!

I'm under no illusions that there won't be bumps in the road but I definitely feel we have to give her a chance to be happy somewhere better suited to her and with a fresh start socially. We met with her oldest friend over the weekend and seeing her being her bubbly, silly, bright self reassured me that she is still in there.

I really am incredibly grateful for the support on this thread. As I said, I didn't know how much I needed some back up in making this call as I was so worried I was overreacting or making a silly choice. It also gave me the confidence to speak about this in real life to a few trusted people who were all very understanding and supportive where I'd worried they'd have thought I was being dramatic.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, it made a big difference here.

It’s wonderful to hear that @dundermiffling and your daughter sounds very mature. Well done to you both for doing something really difficult but really positive. You might also feel the road is bumpy for you too over the coming months as all the emotions are processed but it sounds like 100% the right decision.

Move.

@dundermiffling I'm genuinely happy for you and your daughter! What a happy post to read today. I hope she settles in well and makes good friends.

20 min commute is nothing, you'll get used to it, and she definitely will at her age! In hindsight, I loved the time chatting with DD in the car about her day (she's in secondary now so travels on her own!).

I hope her new first day is lovely!!

Another small update, I am not counting my chickens yet but she is like a different child. Well, more to the point, she is like my daughter again. She couldn't believe people were smiling at her and wanted to be her friend. She says she is actually learning again and she is just happy. Hopefully it continues and this is the fresh start she needed. Updating really in case anyone stumbles across this in the future and wanted some anecdata on how it can work out. I am so glad we made the move.

OP this update has made my day!!!

Another update no-one asked for 😂 but I know how helpful I find it when i read old threads and the OP updates.

It's been a couple of months now and the difference in my child is unbelievable. You can literally see that she is happier - her shoulders are relaxed, her teeth unclenched - these aren't even things I'd realised until they changed. She has made some really nice friends but importantly they all seem to play with lots of different people each week and no cliqueness at all so far.

She is loving lessons, got her pen license this week and frequently comes home beaming with pride as she's been praised for her hard work by her teachers. She looks forward to going in, she gets up early to get her uniform on when we were at a point of her almost entirely refusing to get out of bed previously.

The behaviour management at the school seems to have all but cut off the oxygen supply of unkindness - I didn't realise how bad things were for my daughter at her old school until we moved her. The things she was scared to do (like wear her glasses) because she was terrified to draw any attention to herself etc. Just so, so glad we took the plunge. And the journey feels like nothing now given the net positive that this change has been for her and all of us.

I'm still glad we gave it a proper chance at her old school, we'd spoken to teachers, the head etc etc, we tried really hard so know that we had exhasuted any options there. But I remain particularly grateful for the advice I got on this thread when I was making the decision to move her as I really was worried about doing something daft. So thanks again to everyone who took the time to message.

great update so pleased she is happyx

I love your updates @dundermiffling
It puts a smile on my face to read how happy your dd is now.

What a lovely thread. So pleased for you and your DD.

I’m so pleased for your DD x

If you can get and collect her from there or make arrangements I would move.

just seen the update. Glad it all worked out. X

I would in a heartbeat

You might be able to lift share with other parents

I’d move her 💯

Remove her and put her into the new school
I apose to many behavioural issues in schools should be normal for our children to tolerate...its not on.
Let her move and whats 20mins in comparison.

Great...as this is how her school should be.