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Should I change dd's school - please help

46 replies

VWLady · 12/06/2008 09:19

This problem has been brewing for months. It's been on a back burner recently due to my caring for terminally ill father (died in April) - now I HAVE to deal with this one way or another.
DD is in Year 1. I sent her to a small, 1-form entry primary as I thought this would be a great environment. However in a class of 30 she is one of only 5 girls and none of those are of her ethnicity. Putting aside ethnicity, she (we) have nothing in common with any of her girl classmates. I feel dd is rather isolated (eg if I drive past at lunchtime she is frequently walking round with the lunchtime supervisor, she has NEVER received a invitation to tea, we have never had an invitation accepted). Sometimes she plays very casually with other children, but there is no real 'friendship' there. Whilst dd's mother is rather introverted and not a terribly social creature, there is nothing wrong with dd. She is bright, bubbly, good fun, clever. She mixes well in other settings. I have discussed these issues with the school on two occasions and there is a unwillingness to accept that there might be issues. They say she's fine and they'll monitor the situation.
I just don't know whether to change schools. My heart breaks for the fact that she doesn't have school friends, and I think it is also having an impact on her behaviour. She is not learning to compromise, to deal-make, to be part of a group as well as I would wish her to.
There are other good schools locally. Dh and family say they will support me whatever I decide - I take the lead on the children here.
Why am I being such a wuss about this all? Why do I feel such a failure? Views appreciated. I am out for a couple of hours, will check in on return.

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 12/06/2008 09:28

Sorry to hear about your father, that must have been a very hard time for you and no doubt dd has picked up on it a bit and perhaps that has made her a bit quieter than usual at school? It can take time to make friends, I am not sure if there really is a big problem at the school or not yet.

Are you happy with everything else, the teachers, the teaching, the extra-curriculur activities etc? If not, or if your dd has some concerns about being left out too, I would definitely look at other schools. No harm in finding out what other options there are.

Think now is a good time to move her if it isn't the right environment for whatever reason. The sooner the better in that case.

SSSandy2 · 12/06/2008 09:29

does she have friends from preschool or ballet or something who attend a different school nearby? It would be good to hear whether other families are happy and for your dd to already know some people at her new school.

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/06/2008 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cornsilk · 12/06/2008 09:30

I wouldn't worry too much about not going on playdates in year1 - sometimes chn need a bit longer to establish friendships. If she's happy and the teachers think she is happy then I would be tempted to leave her. 25 boys in one class - goodness me!!

SSSandy2 · 12/06/2008 09:34

I do find it odd that no invitation OP has issued has ever been accepted though. That sounds unusual to me. Possibly dd would fit in better in a different school environment.

scanner · 12/06/2008 09:35

some children do find it harder to make friends. DD1 (8) is bubbly and fun and yet admits that she finds it much harder to make friends than her sister (6). In fact she's even asked DD2 how to do it.

DD1 has been in two primary schools due to a house move and has never had a big group of friends. Now she's in Yr 4 she has 3 or 4 friends, but none of them are what she'd love to have ie. a best friend.

Having said that, if I were you I'd certainly have a good look at the alternative schools and ask around, it won't harm her to change schools if you think it's right. At least you will feel that you've tried your best to give her the right environment.

Enid · 12/06/2008 09:37

is she happy there?

Enid · 12/06/2008 09:38

I'd consider moving because of the high boy to girl ratio personally

by year 3 being one of 5 girls in a class with 25 boys with be a pita

nkf · 12/06/2008 09:38

Sorry to hear about your father.
The mix at the school doesn't sound too comfortable. Five girls in a class of 30 boys is not good.
If you decide to move her, just do it. Don't beat yourself up about it. Year 1 is late for a sociable little girl not to have made a few friends. But there aren't enough girls for he to have any choice.
Good luck.

Enid · 12/06/2008 09:39

there are only 5 girls in dd1s year! But only 7 boys too. Dd1 doesnt have a particulary close friend but does have good friendships with all of them.

frankiesbestfriend · 12/06/2008 09:55

Take the lead from your dd.

If she wants to move I would arrange this, sooner rather than later, when it will be less disruptive.
If this were my dd I would definitely move her as I would worry about her self esteem being damaged, especially if her invitations are being rejected. I would also worry about the boy/girl ratio, particularly as she gets older.

Sorry for your recent loss.

VWLady · 12/06/2008 09:59

Having a quick peep whilst waiting to see the accountant!
Thanks for your replies.
It is a rather unique class - I believe the school appealed to the LEA against their allocation of 25 boys/5 girls prior to this class going into reception.
I suppose I feel that if it were a 3-form entry, there would be a larger pool of kids to choose from.
Dd's birthday party was well attended by boys and some of the girls. But she would like to have 'girly' friends to tea and the social background of her female classmates makes it awkward, eg some do not mix outside their extended family, some parents are not into the social side of school and indeed one doesn't mix outside her own ethnicity!
Oops, accountant calling!

OP posts:
Enid · 12/06/2008 10:01

honestly its a shocking ratio

boys learn differently from girls and by year 3 this will be a problem

Have you visited the other schools? You can always go and look - that will help you make your decision.

kiddiz · 12/06/2008 10:04

My dd is one of 9 girls in a class of 25. She is in y6 and this ratio has altered a lot over the 8 years she has been at the school. There were more girls when she started in nursery. She actually has more friends who are boys than girls! She spends her lunchtime playing football with the boys!! I have to say she is not a particularly girly girl and her friendships with the other girls have come and gone. She is changing schools in September and of the 9 girls 6 will be going to a different high school so actually this may not be a bad thing.
Is your dd happy at the school? Have you asked her how she would feel about changing schools? If you are happy about other aspects of her education it may not be the problem you think it is. That said if she is unhappy or there are other problems, now would be a good time to move in terms of how it affects her.
I hope everything works out ok for you.

Uriel · 12/06/2008 10:09

I would move her. Otherwise she could be isolated for the remaining 5 years she's at primary.

BagelBird · 12/06/2008 10:17

Agree with Enid, present setup does not sound great at all. Go and check out the schools nearby. Word of mouth is great but go see for yourself. Gather all the facts, talk to the headteachers of the schools, find out the ratios, see what the YR1 groups are like and the teachers for yourself and take it from there.
If you do this now then perfect timing ready for September.

Also - you are not being a wuss. It is a tough call - take her away from children she knows and putting her in a totally new environment is a risk. It is hard to work out in advance how these things will play out. The fact that you are aware it is not black or white but more complex than that just shows that you are a caring, sensitive mum that wants the best outcome. You are not a failure. You did not organise your DDs class ratios and could not see how the friendship groups would pan out. The important thing is that you can see that there is an issue now and are prepared to look at options to help improve her school life - good on you!

IndigoMoon · 12/06/2008 10:21

i would move her. dd is in reception and has a lot of friends and has been on a lot of playdates.

i would like to move dd out of school due to our location and would prefer to move out to more rural but I would feel terrible taking her away from her friends.

personally i think friends are a very important part of school.

bozza · 12/06/2008 10:26

ours is village school with one-form intake. 23 boys and 7 girls - only full class in school. But much less ethnically and culturally diverse. And I have a boy. Is a challenging and boisterous class, although ds is studious type.

I would move her.

Oliveoil · 12/06/2008 10:31

dd1 is in a reception class which is about 50/50 girls boys and she does not have any friends and hasn't been on any playdates etc

she just doesn't make friends but seems quite happy with this (I still fret though)

it wouldn't harm to scout out other schools so you have all the available info to hand

cat64 · 12/06/2008 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mydhissocute · 12/06/2008 10:55

I was in a class with 6 girls and we paired up into 3 lots of 'best friends' and all 6 would be invited to each others parties etc. 5 is a really bad number, esp if the others are the same ethnicity. I would move her if you can find another school that you are comfortable with.

Enid · 12/06/2008 11:11

oo reception is early early early for bessie mates

dont worry if she is happy

dd1's best friend is out of school anyway

Oliveoil · 12/06/2008 11:36

yes, she seems happy but is always alone or with the teacher when I pass

teacher says she is a 'watcher' and doesn't join in but that she is not worried about it and that I musn't read anything into it (she has me nailed)

Enid · 12/06/2008 11:37

lol at teacher

she sounds great

stealthsquiggle · 12/06/2008 11:46

I would be more worried about how relaxed / inactive the school are about it. Have you told them you are seriously considering moving her - with that ratio you would think that they would be paranoid about losing a girl.

DS's Y1 group has 5 girls in 20 and their teacher spends a lot of time worrying about and doing 'social engineering' on behalf of the girls to ensure that they have the chance to have girly friendships as well as friendships with boys. I found it quite telling that DS (normally not particularly observant) when asked by my what Girl X would like for her birthday replied "All Girl X wants is to be like Girl Y all the time"

As others have said - make sure that the grass really would be greener first by finding out all you can about the alternative schools.