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Should I change dd's school - please help

46 replies

VWLady · 12/06/2008 09:19

This problem has been brewing for months. It's been on a back burner recently due to my caring for terminally ill father (died in April) - now I HAVE to deal with this one way or another.
DD is in Year 1. I sent her to a small, 1-form entry primary as I thought this would be a great environment. However in a class of 30 she is one of only 5 girls and none of those are of her ethnicity. Putting aside ethnicity, she (we) have nothing in common with any of her girl classmates. I feel dd is rather isolated (eg if I drive past at lunchtime she is frequently walking round with the lunchtime supervisor, she has NEVER received a invitation to tea, we have never had an invitation accepted). Sometimes she plays very casually with other children, but there is no real 'friendship' there. Whilst dd's mother is rather introverted and not a terribly social creature, there is nothing wrong with dd. She is bright, bubbly, good fun, clever. She mixes well in other settings. I have discussed these issues with the school on two occasions and there is a unwillingness to accept that there might be issues. They say she's fine and they'll monitor the situation.
I just don't know whether to change schools. My heart breaks for the fact that she doesn't have school friends, and I think it is also having an impact on her behaviour. She is not learning to compromise, to deal-make, to be part of a group as well as I would wish her to.
There are other good schools locally. Dh and family say they will support me whatever I decide - I take the lead on the children here.
Why am I being such a wuss about this all? Why do I feel such a failure? Views appreciated. I am out for a couple of hours, will check in on return.

OP posts:
hullygully · 12/06/2008 11:49

I'd move her. Further up the school will be a nightmare both in terms of learning and behavious and also because around 8/9 they generally play and interact a lot more in same sex groups.

Enid · 12/06/2008 11:58

yy

dd1 (tomboy, great player with boys) now finds most of the boys in her class a complete irritation (she is at the end of year 3)

Anna8888 · 12/06/2008 12:00

Change her school. You miss out on so much if you are not (and cannot be) socially integrated in your class at school.

Oliveoil · 12/06/2008 12:03

that comforts those of us who have children who are not socially integrated Anna

Anna8888 · 12/06/2008 12:08

What can I say OO? It's just a fact of life. As the OP so rightly points out, the negotiation/compromising/deal-breaking skills that are such a crucial part of adult life (both at home and at work) are forged in the playground.

SummatAndNowt · 12/06/2008 12:12

They are not solely forged in the playground. Playgrounds are a very modern concept.

Anna8888 · 12/06/2008 12:17

That's fairly pedantic of you, Summat

bozza · 12/06/2008 12:26

olive did you ever manage to sort out a playdate for DD1?

Oliveoil · 12/06/2008 12:45

oh ignore me Anna, touched a nerve that is all

no bozza, she doesn't want me to invite anyone back and I don't want to force it. However, she does have a party to go to on Sat and the girl is a double of dd1 - shy, quiet etc. So I am going to arrange something with the (nice) mum and hopefully start a social whirl...

mimsum · 12/06/2008 13:28

I wouldn't worry too much yet OO - she's only in reception and lots of children don't really have proper friends at that age. DS2 had barely any playdates in reception and Y1 and tbh on the rare occasions we did have another child over to play it was painful - usually ending up with ds2 and 'friend' in different rooms in the house doing completely different things. However he really changed in Y2, started becoming much more emotionally and physically confident, lots of skills suddenly 'clicked' like reading, swimming, riding a bike, kicking a ball without falling over and his social skills improved dramatically too - he's now in Y3 and has a wide group of friends, is constantly being invited to other people's houses and asking if friends to come over and at his parents' evening we were told he was one of the most popular children in the class. Reception/Y1 is way too early to be able to determine how socially successful your child will be in later life

bozza · 12/06/2008 14:17

I hope it works out OK then olive. I think it would be nice for you to have a Mum friend also.

harpomarx · 12/06/2008 14:21

haven't read all the post but as a mother of a non-white child (I'm assuming that's what you mean in your post) I think having other non-white kids in her class, if at all possible, is important. Is there another more mixed school locally?

wakeupjeff · 12/06/2008 15:09

Similar for us, in ds' reception class there are only 6 boys out of 30 children, plus we recently moved here so joined mid-year and it seems like everyone has already known each other since pre-school/nursery. He used to be v v sociable and have loads of friends in his nursery, but is finding it hard here and I get worried too....

handbagqueen · 12/06/2008 15:18

I would move her as the school should actively try to help you and your DD. In my DD's school when I spoke to the teacher about her being on her own or with the lunchtime supervisor at breaktimes they started a buddy system with the Yr1 girls and also played games where DD and other children from her class were involved. She now has loads of friends and is never on her own.

Bridie3 · 12/06/2008 15:29

Having been through a situation where my son wasn't making close friends at school, I wish I'd moved him earlier.

He's never going to the most popular boy in the class but he seems always to have someone to play with at breaktime now.

VWLady · 12/06/2008 20:51

Sorry all, I posted earlier on but it doesn't seem to have appeared.
Thank you for all your replies. Discussed again with MIL this evening and I am going to make an appointment to look around the next nearest school.
Thanx to all for sharing your experiences. Olive - dd was very different in reception to Yr 1 - hope things will change for you too.
Harpo - it's the total opposite actually! Hope you still agree!

There is nothing more to this than my wish for dd to be part of a large diverse group of people and to have some commonality with a few in terms of having a stable home, being able to mix with school pals after school to play with Mum's shoes and draw on Mum's walls, and to learn the lessons all us women need to learn so that we don't grow into b*es.

Thank you all. Just showing this to MIL initiated such a useful discussion.

OP posts:
mymblemummy · 13/06/2008 01:32

I would move her. My daughter was one of five girls in her class by the time she was in Year 3 at her old school, and it made friendships and fallings-out very claustrophobic. By that age the boys just won't play with girls anymore.

We moved our daughter to an all girls school, partly because of the gender imbalance and partly for academic reasons, and she is blissfully happy in her new school.

AbbeyA · 13/06/2008 08:32

The lack of play dates and not having a special friend wouldn't worry me at that age but the fact that the class is so uneven with 25 boys and 5 girls would worry me. It may well change over the years but not significantly but it will still be very uneven all through school. If it is one form entry it gives a very small pool of potential friends. I would change now while she is young but leave at the end of this term to start elsewhere at the start of Yr 2 in September.

AbbeyA · 13/06/2008 08:34

When you look at schools I would question them closely about friendships and try and find one that has a buddy scheme or playground friend scheme.

harpomarx · 13/06/2008 14:02

Interesting thought, VWlady - I had never considered it from the other perspective! I think it is very important for my mixed race dd to attend a school with other mixed race/black/asian etc kids, primarily because we live in a predominantly white society and I don't want to her feel that she is 'different' iyswim. that is not to say that I think all her friends should be mixed race or that her 'ethnicity' matters when she makes friends. Her friends are from a wide range of backgrounds.

So, unless all the kids in her class are from one particular culture and she is the only one who is different, I don't think ethnicity is important here. And, indeed it doesn't seem to be your main concern.

On your point about having kids in the class who your dd has something in common with (in terms of background, family life etc) - that's another interesting point. I've never found that dd has made friends with people who are necessarily 'like her' in this way. And I certainly don't think my friends at school fitted into this category - that is all part of the experience of going to a local community school.

I do agree with you and everyone else that the sex imbalance is probably a problem though, so, disregarding all of the above, I think a change is probably a good idea!

critterjitter · 18/06/2008 15:35

"They say she's fine and they'll monitor the situation."

Aaaaarrrrghhhhh!

Unfortunately, thats a stock response!
We got this response, despite DD being taken into hospital twice as a result of what was going on at her school, and the hospital writing to her school! As soon as I hear that, I immediately know something is amiss!

Much more convincing if they explained that they recognised that there were problems, but would be looking at ways of addressing it.

I would follow your DDs lead.

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