How to find the right school?

[GardenDesign]

Hi,

I have a son who is 7, diagnosed autistic. He is really intelligent although not to the extent of being vastly ahead of his peers, but he is very very keen to learn.

He struggles socially. He's very keen for rules to be followed which means he will be very vocal if he sees a child not behaving perfectly. This obviously can cause tension between peers. He also struggles to read others and can get upset when he doesn't read situations right. Generally he's not really interested in playing with friends, he just wants to get on and learn. He isn't interested in socialising outside of school and likes to be alone.

He is also very anxious, and always has been. He currently doesn't attend any extra curricular activities unless they are run by his school. He won't go to any outside clubs, swimming lessons etc, anything. He also struggles with eating anywhere other than at school. (Mainly eats toast at home unless I replicate the process of school lunches exactly - getting him to line up, tell me his name, ask him what he'd like on his plate from a selection etc etc). During school holidays he is a wreck, barely eats and just wants to be back at school. He has always thrived on a very rigid structure to his day, even as a baby. A nap being 5 minutes out would cause distress. We try and keep a routine as best we can, but we have other children and our jobs are unpredictable so it's never as reliably structured as school.

He loves school uniform. Outside of school he will mainly wear pjs. If he HAS to get dressed for something, he will normally pick items from his school uniform even on a weekend. When he used to attend a preschool without a uniform, he created his own mirroring the staff's uniform and would wear the same thing every day.

He's currently at a small village school with mixed age group classes. He does like it but there isn't much to offer in terms of extra curricular activities. The class sizes are also fairly big, around 27-28 per class and he ends up getting a bit lost. The school in general aren't hugely supportive with SEN.

I'm not necessarily in a hurry to move him, but I feel there could be better schools out there for him, and I'm also looking ahead at middle/secondary schools.

I'm struggling to find the right type of school for him or to know what to search for. There are obviously special provisions but I don't think these are right for him. There are also some schools locally to me that are suited to academic autistic children who need a calm environment but they don't have uniform, no extra curricular activities and packed lunch only. Again I don't think this is right for him either.

So I guess what he needs is a mainstream school but with smaller class sizes? Not sure if that exists, or maybe a bigger school with better SEN provision that may have separate learning hubs or similar?

Does anyone have any advice on what I should be searching for in the local area, or how to find the right school? I can't work out how to actually find out the strengths of each school!

His emotional and sensory needs sound quite high; my concern would be the transition from primary to secondary, as the big environment could be overwhelming for him.

Might school suggest some options for the future? You could ask them to be really honest and advise you on whether your DS will manage mainstream secondary.

For my autistic, academic son with ‘low’ needs, private mainstream with small classes has worked very very well.

does he have an EHCP? If you aren’t using private school that’s what you will need to access anything which isn’t completely mainstream.

Hi, my autistic / ADHD son is 12 and was fine at mainstream primary but mainstream secondary has not worked out as there just isn’t the level of SEN support he needs.

We’re in the process of moving him to a small, independent (funded by the LA) ASD / ADHD specialist school. Like your son, mine is academically capable but struggles hugely from an SEMH perspective. He presents as much younger than his peers so the social cue side of secondary was impossible for him. He’s also very vulnerable to peer pressure, bullying and exploitation. He finds the the whole environment / moving through busy corridors very overwhelming.

Does your son have an EHCP? We were continually told that ours didn’t need one in primary school as he was “bright” and just needed a “bit” of support. This was a tiny, pastoral primary with a very stable teaching base and great TAs. It was only in the run up to applying for secondary that we could really see the social / communication / emotional maturity gap between him and his peers that we suddenly realised his needs were greater than we’d been led to believe (in hindsight we were massively naïve).

At 7, your son is still very young, but you’re being really sensible starting to think about appropriate secondary provision (we don’t live in a middle school area so I don’t know about that).

To coin a favourite Mumsnet phrase, start getting all your ducks in a row and consider all options. Do you have local SEND groups? Either f2f or Facebook ones? I found them really useful for local knowledge. This is actually how I found the specialist school my son is going to hopefully be moving to.

There's an EHCP support thread. I'll post a link in moment. You should start thinking about secondary.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I just want to add, @GardenDesign as re reading my post it sounds a bit gloomy! My son is bloody fantastic and the school that we’ve found is full of amazing kids like him. You sound super switched on, far more than I was. I wish I had a time machine as there’s so much I wish I’d done sooner (the EHCP being one of them).

Was your son diagnosed by CAMHS or did you go private? We initially had a private diagnosis as the post Covid waiting lists for CAMHS were unreal. Our son has since been taken over by CAMHS for both his ADHD and ASD. They often get a bad press but honestly, we’ve found them brilliant and the support that we’ve had has been great. We had to REALLY push for the school to refer him though…..if I had my time again I’d been far more pushy about this.

The other thing that’s helped me is developing a bit of a network of SEN parent friends: that collective knowledge has been invaluable. A work colleague who I barely knew before I realised my son was ND has become one of my closest friends and walked me through the EHCP process.

My son is the same age and also has ADHD and ASD. He is thriving in a lovely little independent junior school that bends over backwards to support him. Classes are less than half the size of the local state primary, and everyone knows who he is. He's very smart but struggles socially and emotionally... but they look after him well and he has friends. We couldn't imagine a better setting for him.

There will be some major differences coming up age 7 to 10 is a massive change so some things will become clearer what type of school will suit him.

You could make your own uniform at home - navy joggers with a red t shirt etc.

If he struggles with outside clubs do you think he will be able to deal with all the different transitions and different teachers every hour in secondary. Maybe an ASD school but I’d start looking into an EHCP now as you probably will need a tribunal. Or maybe a residential or boarding school if he really loves school

Thank you for the kind responses, and thank you for the support thread Needle, I will keep my eye on that for when we start the EHCP process.

We don't yet have an EHCP. I think I may have to start this process myself as school are purely focused on academic ability and therefore claim 'he's doing fine!'
We are still fairly new into this journey but I'm just aware how long these things take.

A few of you have mentioned independent schools. We have been wondering about this although the cost at the moment isn't really doable. We have also thought he might one day love boarding (his separation anxiety would be too much at the moment, but I think as he's older that may change) - we often say boarding then onto the military would probably suit him! He just loves that kind of structure and clear rules.

How old is your son now xigris?

@GardenDesign you will definitely need to request the EHCNA yourself and push it through. Schools have little incentive to do them for DC who are compliant in school. The SEN Code does cover DC who aren't behind but where it's taking an extraordinary amount of effort to keep them there. That was the part we relied on.

We haven't had any issues getting DS to school though, Needle. Would this matter in terms of getting an EHCP? He counts down the weekend days till he can go back! And gets very upset if he's ill and can't go to school. Or does this tend to show up as they get older? He does mask and his diagnostic report says school does take a significant amount of energy from him

My son wasn’t behind at primary school, either, @GardenDesign but still needed an EHCP. It helped that he had medicated ADHD but the process was very much driven by me, rather than the school. The SENCo supported me with it but I wrote the vast majority. It was approved first time round.

@socoldtoday makes a good point about the jump between 7 - 10 years. At 7, all children are still very little and being hugely scaffolded and supported in school. It’s as they get older that the cracks can start to really show (in my experience of having 2 AuDHD children).

My son is now 12: secondary was initially ok-ish but Yr8 has been a disaster. He’s going to a tiny independent specialist ADHD / ASD school that does the national curriculum including GCSEs and A Levels plus huge amounts of time tabled social and life skills support. This is being funded by the LA. I think because my son is very niche - academically able but not currently where he should be due to not enough support, no challenging behaviours, hugely vulnerable etc etc there aren’t many suitable options. Mainstream cannot meet need and has stated this.

Where abouts roughly are you? I can DM you the school for reference on the off chance you’re anywhere near me! I know it’s early days for you but honestly, to trot out that beloved MN phrase, getting your ducks in a row is so sensible.

My ds was similar although not so extreme.

For senior school, I arranged taster days for him and parents visits for me. Rapidly excluded the huge schools and ended up at a small rural independent, academic but not flash or fashionable.Calm, traditional, small class sizes.

Extracurriculars for him were chess, Minecraft, orienteering (he likes maps), cyber, swimming, skiing.

Now he's a pool lifeguard at the weekends (more rules) and studying 3 stem a'levels heading for a degree in engineering. He made some friends along the way and is enjoying his job. Good luck.

Thank you xigris, I'm in Hertfordshire.

That's lovely to hear Meadow. I know DS is capable of going on to do amazing things and I really don't want the 'wrong' school to kill that

I'm not sure I was clear.

I meant effort to keep them happy and thriving in school greatly exceeds the norm, not difficulty physically getting them to school (although lots of ND kids do experience that).

My DD has always liked school. She's very sociable. Her AuDHD does present significant issues though which have been time consuming to deal with. That's what I evidenced in the ECHNA.

I wouldn't rush towards boarding being a solution if he has so many sensitivities. Our son is mainstream and found the first year of boarding v tough - the nonstop noise and close proximity to others and he is a social animal so it would be hell for a child who needs alot of social space.

Yes that's very true MrPickles. I think we'd only do boarding as a Flexi boarder locally, so he has the option to do day or boarding and can play it by ear. That's what my husband did and it worked well