Are detentions compulsory?

[greengreytrue]

DS13 is getting a lot of detentions due to behaviours that we are working on.

Some of these are for such petty reasons that I’m inclined to say he won’t be attending e.g. shirt had come untucked twice.

Where do we stand?

He wasn't challeneged as they weren't the rules.

OPs child is not conforming to the rules. I also think there is more to the story tgat OP either isn't saying or the child has twisted the truth and parents believe him.

Fed up of everyone making out that schools are hellholes full of tyrants. Lots of people on these threads take education for granted.

This!! Every day of the week. We don't always get/agree with rules but they aren't hard to follow.

If a member of staff at my school had their shirt untucked they would definitely be pulled up on it.

And this right here is exactly why we're in such a mess.

Presumably that's what you signed up for. You've handed over your responsibility for the education and discipline of your child to the school. They aren't going to tailor their rules to each child, it's a very obvious part of choosing to enrol your child in an institution.

All these posts pretending that parents generally have a choice of where to send their child to school, or whether to at all, are absurd. Most people in the UK are not that wealthy and don't happen to live close to a lot of schools displaying a variety of rules ad types of discipline, all with lots of spaces free. We just pray the council will allocate our child to the least violent and most accessible by public transport.

Children need less rules not more. They need a smaller number of core rules that reflect important values not huge amounts of ridiculous rules - that just causes resentment.
Things such as zero tolerance on violence, threatening behavior and bullying etc. clear boundaries on what is expected with work and attainment within individual limits.
All these stupid rules about uniform and other petty things water down any other rules and that’s when you get problems.

But some of the reasons are ridiculous. Treat them like human beings, not chimps.

My DD got a detention because she got up from her chair after a wasp stung her on the face and was coming back for more - she was trying to avoid it. Sorry, not going to agree to a detention for something ridiculous as that.

Uniform infringement, missed homework - sure thing but detentions for detentions sake?

Some secondary school rules are utterly ridiculous, particularly around uniform.

DD's school listened to the children and parents and made big changes to the uniform policy which has directly contributed to improved behaviour, less time spent by teachers on policing arbitrary rules and more time teaching as a result.

The changes, along with clear behaviour codes in class mean that where DD used to come home with stories about most lessons being disrupted, it is only occasional now and usually where the teacher does not stick to the behaviour code.

If kids feel respected, they will give respect back.

@greengreytrue - If your son was only getting detentions for stupid things the I would say ignore them, but as you are working on other behaviour issues, I don't think you can pick and choose - he needs a consistent message.

However, I would talk to the school if any of the rules seem particularly arbitrary and teach your son how to fight for rule changes while obeying the ones that are in place - I got rules at both school and work changed that way.

Ignore the 'rules are rules' brigade - those people would have chastised people like Rosa Parkes, the Suffragettes and Ghandi for 'breaking the rules'.

Arbitrary school rules are not on the same level as segregation or suffrage, but they are a good tool for teaching children how to make change through discussion, compromise and civil disobedience and when each action is appropriate and necessary.

I worked in a school. You don't get detentions for having a shirt untucked. It was his behaviour after being asked to tuck it in, he likely was rude and refused. Poor parenting like yours are the main reason some kids are rude to teachers. If you refused so many detentions, he will go isolation for the day instead which is worse.

A responsible parent supports the school, and makes sure their child attends any and all detentions. There is an easy way for him to have fewer/zero detentions - behave better and follow school rules.

Give full parental support for the detentions. Back up the teachers. Your son will soon learn that you and the school want him to follow the rules.
They are simple rules and are not too hard for others so DS needs to take his behaviour seriously.
You don't want to bring up an entitled, arrogant child who lacks humility and thinks special rules apply for him.

Dislike the detentions, swap to a different, less disciplined school.

Genuine question (my child is still at primary so no detentions yet!):

What if a child is given an after school detention but they are due to attend sports practice (outside of school)? Or have a medical appointment? Are they still expected to stay in the detention?

Notwithstanding some of the posts on this thread, detentions are compulsory. The school does not need parental consent to impose a detention. The fact that a parent disagrees with the reason for the detention does not give them any right to stop their child attending. If a child does not attend a detention, the school is entitled to penalise them further.

Detention is punishment and a consequence. Of course they give up a privilege such as sports practice. Dr depends on whether it's routine and can be rescheduled. If not, then detention is done on another day.

I think you should make an appointment to discuss your son's individual needs with the school, not just randomly refuse consent for detention - communication seems like a priority here.

We seemed to manage years ago to follow uniform rules. It's really not that difficult. They're not stupid and petty. It's about having a bit of pride, hygiene, knowing how to dress yourself, a sense of community. Your special little snowflake isn't above all this.

No I didn’t go to any because my dad had the car so I had to walk home so dad rang the school and said I’m not to leave later than 3:15 as it’s too dark, which was the end of the school day. Other people would have paper rounds or after school jobs so would bring in a note. Mind you this was the 80s schools seem a bit more anal now.

He really is above all this. He follows real rules and behaves well and studies hard. He also has a voice he isn’t scared to use when the school try to impose a punishment for something that isn’t reasonable.

You really are part of the problem. You're raising a little golden child who thinks he gets to choose what rules apply to him. What if he thinks that the 10mph speed limit on an estate is silly and he can safely drive at 25mph? Or that he can safely drive on double the amount of alcohol because he's more immune than other people?

Those are important and valid laws of course he will abide by those. As he abides by rules such as no violence bullying bad behavior , does his work to the best of his ability and adheres to homework deadlines and is never late for school. If he broke one of those rules then yes he would attend the detention. There is just no way on earth he will attend a detention for things such as being late to class by 10 mins for helping a pupil
who had fainted , or because he finished the cross country 5 mins later than the desired time !

I agree with you op but that’s not how social conditioning works.

I suspect that with some of these stories about why kids got a detention we are not being told the whole story. ie. They were rude or disruptive in addition to "just doing so and so." After all the parent wasn't there.

I don’t think it helps kids to think they can ignore rules. In a workplace not looking presentable in a customer facing role means they’ll just be let go. Sometimes in life you have to stick to rules you don’t like.

however I think ‘go elsewhere if you don’t agree to the rules’ or ‘you signed up to the rules when you took the place’ isn’t realistic. With MATs having the same rules it’s very easy to have no meaningful choice. There isn’t a state school my daughter could get into that doesn’t have the strict policies within at least 30 miles.

If my kids skipped lunchtime detention they would get a longer after school detention. If they skipped that they would be suspended. So better take the lesser detention no matter how silly the reason may seem in my opinion