Daughter not interested in private school - still pursue?

[Femining]

Another question as my last was answered so helpfully.

We have a great chance at a place in a very coveted state secondary school.

We have also been prepping our (currently) state educated child for independent tests in Nov / Dec.

She says she loves the state secondary option, and doesn't want to go to the private school.

She thinks private schools probably don't progress pupils as much as the children are all rich enough to have tutors, and generally thinks it's not worth the money.

She appears to be genuinely excited about the state option, but I'm not sure whether she just doesn't want to do the tests (impostor syndrome), though, or whether she's worrying about the money (it'll be a sharp pinch and she is the eldest of 3). She's put in a lot of hard work and she'll likely do well.

In my shoes would you put her through the tests, or just let it go?
She's very confident at the moment, among the top in the class. I also don't want to push her through the tests to perhaps not get in and that impact her confidence. It's hard to separate my issues from hers (if any). I do feel the weight of this decision. I asked whether she'd still want to go state if she got into the indie - she said yes. I also asked how she would feel if her sister two years younger went to a private, and when i said that she said maybe it's a good idea to at least take the test, but she still thinks she'd like the state.

I really don't know whether to keep on the treadmill of selective tests, would appreciate some thoughts.

She wants to go to state school.
Do it
Spend the money in educational road trips

Define "great chance" at the coveted state school? Is she guaranteed a place? What are your state options if she doesn't get the coveted choice?

Do state.
Save the money for her.

I had similar with my middle child. He was bright so would have got a bursary.

He made the decision to go to state. He said he would be hated by his friends at state and hated by the rich kids at private.

He did ok. Went to Uni, after his degree got a distinction in his masters.

At 25, has a good job, owns a home with his girlfriend and most importantly is happy.

If she won't definitely get into the state school then perhaps it's worth doing the tests just in case. But I think if it's a good state school, then she should be able to decide on which one she goes to regardless of how well she does in the tests.

She wants the state option and if she’s excited about it, that’s a big plus.

You say the finance is doable, but if it’s a pinch, save the money and use it for enrichment activities and a tutor if necessary.

We decided to try state for years 7-8 and go from there. We’re actually very very happy and dc have remained in state through to dd1 taking a levels this year and dtds starting GCSEs.

For me plan A is the state school, but discuss plan B. If she doesnt get in would she want the private option?

I'd go with state and put the money aside for tutors/experiences with the children/their future.

She's 11. She cannot make a fully informed decision.
She doesn't get to pick.

If the state school isnt guaranteed you need to start explaining the concept of "option creation" and "contingency planning"

All other things being equal unless there's co.pelling rationale or you are fabulously wealthy... I'd take state and invest the cash for uni / first house

I would go with state. You'll need money when she goes to uni. I'd save it for then. A lot of my friends sent their dc to private schools. They haven't done as well as my dc who went to state school. It guarantees nothing.

What do you mean ‘great chance’? And ‘coveted’? Is it a ‘super selective’ state school or is there just some doubt about catchment?

It sounds like private for 5 years for 3 DC would be a financial stretch: if that’s the case would drop it now.

We had this exact same situation with my youngest.

The decision we made was that he had to sit the tests and try hard, regardless. I was determined that I was going to give my kids the same opportunities (older sibling already at a very selective independent secondary).

He did very well in the tests and was even offered an academic scholarship at our preferred school.

I also applied to the local, highly sought after state school that he wanted to go to.

Once all the offers were in we sat down and discussed all the options. Despite doing very well in the tests, he still wanted to go to the state. So he did. We review it every year to check it is still working for him and he doesn’t want to go private yet.

If you have a great State School use it (this from a Parent who went Private)

My daughter got the maximum academic scholarships plus music scholarships to two quite prestigious local public schools, but she wanted to go to the grammar school that was an hour’s journey each way. We made her aware of the potential issues of possibly not having local friends - the school had catchment area of 12 miles and we lived on the edge, so she could have potentially had friends living a long distance away. But at the end of the day, she was the one who had to go to the school for the next seven years, and the final decision had to be hers. She chose the grammar school and never had any regrets.

Given distance and frequency of religious worship, it would be a freak occurrence not to get in, even with an expected change in pupil population owing to VAT on private school fees.

Yes, happy is important. I just got worried when SHE started mentioning money. It made me think maybe she's just saying it and I need to just push until she feels allowed to say she wants to go private.

But, I think it might just be that she'll be happier at the state option...

Yes, if money were no option I think they might be on a par. I need to talk to her more about it without crowding out her thoughts with my questions.

Yes, I work for myself, so I'd have to work more hours and charge more. It is doable, but I doubt I'd love my life....

This is very interesting and helps me with insight. My eldest is a very hard working, not as quick off the mark as the two younger, but I think they appear brighter because they are younger and have the elder child to work up to. So, I really think the younger two will be in with a very good chance of being academic / sports and maybe even music scholars at a private school. This is largely just because i got better at parenting, or rather i get better at parenting as time goes by. I don't want disparities between children. If the elder one goes to the state school, the same sex sibling will automatically go (huge plus), the very youngest will not as different sex.

I think I will have her sit the tests and try very hard. That's an exercise in maturity and experience in itself. If she doesn't get in, it's no big deal as we have the state option and we'll frame it as a motivational goal.

Thanks

As a pp said, she's 11. She doesn't pick her education.

I think it would be foolish to pursue the private option if money is likely to be a struggle. The most important thing for your DD is educational stability. If your finances change for whatever reason, or the school becomes increasingly unaffordable, it would be awful to have to disrupt her education and friendships. Your state option sounds fine and she's excited about it.

Whatever you do don’t put her in the position of feeling guilty about the money. It sounds as if you knows it’ll be a stretch, she has younger siblings and who knows what’s round the corner. She sounds bright and “switched on”. She has excellent family support. She’ll be fine.

That's a good way to think about it. She might feel guilty about money if she attends private school. I definitely don't want her to feel that, and she is sensitive child - to her own feelings and to others.

This could be a very good way to teach her about money, the value of it, and investing it. Where is money best invested - education is a good way. In what ways can we educate ourselves. Travel, activities etc, and for sure, we would be doing far fewer of those things if we had fees to pay.

It's a real shame I'm not rich!